Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(PHILIPPINES) Dear Lilly, I know how difficult it is to accept that someone you care so much about hurt you. Before you can forgive you must first learn to accept such. I understand where you are coming from when you say that your relationship with God has been affected. It will never be easy and your husband can only do so much. God has a purpose for everything we may not understand it now but in time we will surely understand.
I suggest you seek counseling so that you can understand better where the resentfulness is coming from. You say you see that your husband is doing everything to prove to you he has changed and that he will no longer hurt you. I know that one thing keeping you from forgiving is the fear that you would get hurt again. Well if you continue the way you are others may not be able to hurt you coz you are already numb from hurting yourself.
I will include you in my prayers. God Bless.
(USA) I am thinking of all of you and hoping that things improve . It has been 3 years since my husband came home at 10:00 and said out of the blue “I’m not happy.” He left me that night with a 3 and 5 year old. No one saw this coming and people still don’t believe that we are divorced. We had a pretty good life, or so I thought. The woman whom he is now married to worked with him. It was as if she just moved right into my life.
They show no remorse or empathy. How does this happen to good people? I thought I was the best wife I could be. People tell me he’s crazy.. I guess you never get over divorce. I have tried to forgive but I have a constant fear that they will try to take over my family. I know its weird but I feel like they both ruined my marriage and maybe they will try to take my kids away from me. I cant seem to get past this although I pray really hard.
(USA) Wow! This page is like group therapy! I have finally sought therapy, actually. I found out last January that the man who was telling me he was going to marry me and calling himself my fiance and supposedly preparing his children (14, 18 and 19) for all of us to become a family this summer, etc., was still meeting women on line! He claimed they are just his friends but admits that he did not tell them about me. He did not tell them he was involved with anyone.
But suddenly, at the end of our week in Switzerland while he was pushing me to get naked with him, his fantasies about when and where we would marry went from May to June to July, to September to maybe next year. He is the president and founder of a large missions based ministry and we shared the same vision for Asia. I hadn’t dated anyone for four years and told God I didn’t want to date anyone except my future husband. But I totally felt called to this man.
So, it totally shook my faith in God, faith in ministry, as well as making me feel angry and betrayed.
God took me deep into Ezekiel 36 and spoke to me about allowing Him to take the ruins of my life and to allow Him to fortify the ruins, so the sheep would come back into the folds and life would flourish. I keep thinking I have given my anger at his refusal to take responsibility for the destruction he has brought into my life (and I now know of women in at least four other states and five other countries he has done the same thing to) and I get so angry! And my pastor’s now deceased father had supported this guy in his ministry once. And he publishes that man’s letter of support on his websites. I totally used that connection to gain my trust.
And so, I am so convinced that failure to forgive, failure to give freely the grace, mercy and forgiveness I have been given will only bring health and happiness problems on myself and do nothing to solve the problem. It can only be in God’s hands now, to send a spirit of conviction to correct this calloused man’s heart, who has somehow planted over 6000 churches now!
I am still so in disbelief and shock and it’s been nearly five months and I need to get on with it. I don’t want to carry this. But I can’t seem to let it go and give it to God either. And I don’t really know who to seek help from? I am going in June to pastoral counseling at my church. But I feel weird about it, since this guy is using my church to build credibility for his own ministry, know what I mean?
Will someone pray for me?
(USA) Wow, it’s interesting and strangely comforting hearing these stories. I hate that a man of the church could do this — the one place you go for refuge and can trust. However, my dad always says you can’t trust anyone but yourself. I always thought he was crazy but I think what he really meant was you can’t trust anyone but God.
I don’t have any good advice Maria on how to let it go. I have been working on that for 3 years. I hope the church counseling helps. Please give any tips. I also had Christian counseling after my husband left. It was wonderful talking to someone who cared but never really gave any solid advice. I think they expect you to figure it out on your own. I guess that’s what we are doing here. Good luck. I will pray for you.
(UNITED STATES) This also happens to men. I checked my phone records and discovered a high amount of calls to a particular number. I called the number to discover my wife was seeing another man who did not know she was married. I called the number and he was shocked. He told me he does not believe in dealing with a married lady.
At that time, she is knocking at his door. He asked her was she married. She said no. He told me she said no. I told him my marriage date and he asked how I got the number. I told him thru call records. I told him she was driving the car I was buying and described the car. She then admitted she was married and he made her get on the phone. She was supposed to pick me up from work but was running late. Now I know why.
I have been left at my mom’s house due to her saying she was tired from working opposite shifts as I do and all of the running around between me and her daughter. I see why she was tired. I am visibly, mad, upset, and hurt. I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. She denies sexual contact and only wanted someone to talk to. I later found in my glove box Google map directions to his house. With this information, not only I have where she has been, but the name of this individual.
She is acting angry, like she is the victim because we were having communication problems. I rather for you to leave first. What is odd, she says she does not want me but got upset when I grabbed the car afterward to get away for peace of mind. She now makes sure I get picked up everyday and don’t stray too far from home.
I am willing to talk about our situation but she is not. She is embarrassed and angry as to how I discovered her indiscretions. I am working on me and one day will overcome this with or without her. She hurt my soul and I will never let that happen again. No matter what problems you have, infidelity in never the answer. The guy she was cheating with does not want anything to do with her. I’m still trying to get over the shock and decide what is my next step.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I recently found out that my husband is having an affair and a baby with the lady. I have always known that he was cheating as he is hardly home. If he does come it will be the early hours of the morning. He has done this for the whole 14 years we have being together, but I never thought that he could go out and start another family.
I’m so torn apart. I even spent 5 months in the hospital because of depression and bipolar. He says he will never do it again; he does not want a divorce, but to be honest I don’t think he will ever change. I don’t think he can leave without cheating as he’s used to it. People say I look great but they do not know that I’m slowly dying inside. I battle to sleep because when I’m alone I cry for no reason. Please help. I do not know what to do.
(USA) I was widowed at the age of 27. I remarried a year later and he has recently cheated on me. I can honestly say that dealing with the betrayal was a lot harder than dealing with death but they are very similar. I have been looking for something to help me feel normal in my healing process. This has helped me understand that everything I am going through is ok.
(ENGLAND) I have read these comments after suffering the most pain in my life. Married for 10 years I found out my wife was having a relationship by email and phone for at least seven years. When I confronted her she denied ever doing anything inappropriate. When faced with the evidence it was clear she was an active participant.
We were a young couple struggling financially and all I wanted to do was provide for my family. It was hard but my little family was enough for me, to find an email indicating that the discussion was sordid, and unclean. We have had two children since this started – and it makes you doubt everything. Years ago when we were just going out – we seemed to go through a difficult patch (unknown to me), my girlfriend was having a relationship with someone else. She said that our relationship had ended already. I felt so much pain (I couldn’t talk to anyone). I had a dream of her drifting towards a waterfall and I had reached out my hand and grabbed her hand.
I am not a believer, but something told me I had to tell her to reestablish her links with God. I don’t know where that came from – but I just had to guide her that way. I later let her back into my life and we subsequently married (although I knew she could cause me pain, I thought what we had and the strength of God would be enough). I pictured me holding her hand before the waterfall, but the strength has left me to hold her anymore.
Now I feel that pain again, it’s so much more. I am so sorry I haven’t got the strength to do this anymore. The emptiness I feel is indescribable. My children need me but I haven’t the strength to do this again – I cannot feel anymore pain. I really need help now and don’t know where to turn. Any words of advice or inspiration would be heartfelt.
(USA) At the end of January this year (2009) my husband, who was a pastor of a church for almost 20 years told me that he had a “friend” that he had been spending time with since October of 2008. He stated that “we had not been happy and had a real marriage for the last 5 years”. He more or less said that we needed to get a divorce and move on with our lives separately. He stated that he was going to resign the church he was pastoring at the end of February, and if I would allow him to, he wanted to stay in our home until his resignation.
He told me that he was going to continue to see his “friend” no matter what I said. He also assured me that they were only “friends” not sexually involved and that he didn’t know how serious his feelings were for her. We have been married for 33 years, have 2 adult children and 4 grandchildren.
I was absolutely devastated and had no idea that things had gotten this bad… I knew things were not right but was always afraid to push because deep down I suppose I knew he was be unfaithful to me at least emotionally if not sexually.
We talked things over & both decided that we had to much invested to give up on our marriage and agreed to try and work things out. For almost 2 weeks things rocked along with us then I found out that people in our church and community knew about things.
And while he was supposed to be working things out with me to make our marriage work… one evening when it was supposed to be our night in together, while I was out of the living room, he picked up the portable phone and called her. When I walked back in he hung up and tried to hide the fact that he had been on the phone… I waited until about an hour later and without him noticing I took the phone and went to another room and hit redial and a female answered. When I asked who I was speaking to, she gave me a name and asked who I was trying to reach… it was his “friend” and of course she knew my phone number.
I did not confront her I just said “never mind” and hung up. I then went in to living room and confronted him for calling her and told him that he needed to go ahead and resign from our church as pastor and also that there were church members that knew about his “affair” …things were bad but again because I loved him so much I forgave him and we agreed to continue to work on things… he did resign church… and on February 14th (ironic isn’t it) I told him that it was very obvious that his heart just wasn’t in making our marriage work and that he could go ahead and file for divorce… that I loved him but I couldn’t live with him if he did not love me.
He did not deny anything and on Feb. 15th he moved, although I had told him he could stay till the end of the month and that I would stay at my mother’s home which was only less that a mile from our home. He immediately moved his “friend” in with him and began having sexual relations with her. To this day he still says that they did not have intercourse until after he and I separated. He does admit that they were touching each other intimately. I have told him that that is still infidelity and I consider that to be unfaithful to me and our marriage vows.
Over a month ago he called to ask my forgiveness for all he had done etc etc. I did not answer my cell phone. I had it switched off at work, so he left voice message. He tried twice. I didn’t get his messages till two weeks later (weird) and at that time I was very sick with a sinus infection so it was another week or longer before I talked to him. In the mean time he had resumed his relationship with the “friend” because quoting him, “I thought that when you didn’t respond at all to my messages that you were getting on with your life without me so I felt like I had to do the same.”
Long story not so short… he tells me that he knows how wrong he has been, that he loves me and wants our marriage to work. He does not want to lose me or his children and grandchildren. There are many other facets to our situation… financial and issues with our younger son who is 25 years old and is on disability for mental illness, not to mention the fact that we are helping the same son raise his 2 year little girl, whom he and ex-girlfriend had out of wedlock.
There are so many stressors in our life that have contributed to the near destruction of our marriage. We have reconciled and he has just moved back home. He assures me that he has no regrets of breaking things off with this other woman, but does tell me that he can’t say that there aren’t things about her that he cares about.
This is like a knife in my heart. I still feel very threatened by her mere existence He deceived me and lied to me and even about me to other people in an effort to save face among friends and people in our small town. I want to trust him and believe him but it is so very difficult… I just don’t believe I can go through, again, what I’ve just gone through. We were only separated for 3 months… and there is the added stress that my family is not happy at all with our reconciliation.
Of course, they were there to try to help me pick up the pieces after he dropped this bomb shell on me. I have been to the point during these 3 months where I seriously considered ending my own life because I literally felt I couldn’t face another day without him.
We married when I was only 18 years old and he was 24… and we have been through so much together. Everything reminded me of something we had done or seen or experienced together. I have prayed about this and I know that divorce is not the what I want but I am so insecure now. Throughout our married life, I had always been the one who was secure and knew that he was my best friend even in the bad times. It was like my legs were cut off when all this happened. How do I face each day now with the knowledge the he betrayed at least once and how do I live with the fear that he might do it again?????
(USA) Hello all of you, I think this time around will kill me. It has almost killed my spirit and soul. Mine started in 1983. We had been married for 12 yrs then, had four daughters aged 5, 8, 9 and 11. He met V at work, 14 yrs his Jr. Decided he was leaving us for her. I was devastated beyond words. Had been at home with our children for 12 yrs. He changed his mind, stayed with us, she had left her spouse for him. She then met and married another man, soon as her divorce was final. She is a mover and a shaker.
He spent the next three years grieving for her, not participating in our life, and I spent that time rising from the ashes. I went to work and also worked hard on my marriage, felt like a trick pony. Did everything I could think of to be the best wife I knew how to be. Nothing worked. So, in 86, after 3 years of that hell, I kicked him out. Told him to go and find the wonderful V and figure it out. I had heard she was separated.
He was gone four months, did not see her, and came back saying he wanted us and had worked through his issues. I spent most of the rest of my marriage feeling like I stole him from the love of his life. I can never explain to anyone how that felt. How can a wife feel like she is the other woman? He really never came home to me, there was always a missing element. I have always loved my husband with all my heart. I worked hard at my employment, and having never had the advantage of college, I had to work even harder but by 93, I was working at a large firm as a stock broker and then by 96 I opened a small investment company. All during this time, I never felt complete. His engagement with me, just never came back.
I spent the time from 86 forward like a lady in waiting, but not sure what I was waiting for. Our physical life dwindled until he claimed impotency around the early part of the 2000’s. But, in the late 80’s, I caught him talking to V on the phone, was told that he was talking to her. I kicked him out, but he begged on his knees, swore that they only had spoke a few times on the phone, that he would call her and tell her to never call again and I believed him. Then, again in 98, I received a call from her third husband telling me that he found her cell bill and that she had been calling my husband every day for three months. I kicked him out again. I would not let him come back for a while, but I did eventually, he called her on a three way call and convinced me again, it was only conversations, he told her on the call to never call again. She was always making the contacts, and he told her to leave him alone.
Well, last May, May of 2008, he sat me down and dropped a huge bomb. He had been having affairs with her all along. Five all totaled, through the years, but more than that, he had been having an affair with one of my best friends for the past 13 yrs. They had been meeting 3 times a week, having sex in the back seat of a car, or SUV or in the truck bed with a camper cover for 13 yrs. My friend. And he had also had an affair with two other of my friends in the late 80’s, one that I had gone to school with and worked with, right under my nose, and the other for three years in the early 90’s, and that friend is a man. He had had the last affair with V in 98 while having this 13 year affair at the same time, he had started up with her in 95. The 98 affair with V lasted 4 mos before the husband found the cell bill.
My entire life has been a joke. All that I have fought for, my vows, all that I have believed in, my friends that I would fight for, that I loved, all my memories, everything is gone. My friend and my husband, this last friend, started this mess on a trip that I planned, a trip to a haunted house where I rented a van with a driver and invited several couples, my friend and her husband being one of the couples. My friend and my husband fondled each other sexually with their spouses sitting in the van beside them. We were dressed for Halloween and with robes and such, no one was the wiser. It all makes me so sick. I invited them to canoe trips and biking events, all these things that encouraged and enabled their behavior.
I lost both breasts to cancer in 2004, forcing me to close my company, and my friend was by my bed in the hospital, all the while having sex with my husband. Taking trips to the mountains with him for a week to camp and bike, while I am thinking he was with the “guys”. I, on the other hand, had to stop biking as I was diagnosed with MS and became unable to bike, keeping my balance was an issue as well as becoming overheated was a problem.
Now, I look back at my life, that I loved her, and that I trusted her and him and that they were skipping along and having this great time while I was becoming more lonely, sicker and she knew how much I needed my husband. She knew how much his infidelity from the past had hurt me, how I still bled in my soul from it. She was my confidant.
So, now, I have nothing. I feel undone. I have been in the hospital three times this past year over this, I have been in counseling solid. I cannot get over it, I am past the absolute rage, I am past the why did the happen, I am now only into despair and this stage is the scariest of all. I have always had a difficulty with imagery and my mind sees things that may or may have not happened. But sleep eludes me, medication does not help. He stole my peace. He took my past, present and future. It does not matter if he stays or he goes. When he was caught in 98, and said they were only talking, he and V, he bought me a diamond ring and in front of family and friends, on bended knee, he gave it to me, pledging his love and honor and fidelity. All the while screwing my friend.
This is my destiny? Now I am sick, I am almost 60. Why did he not just leave me alone and let me have a life? I am an honorable person, a good person. I love my ppl, I take care of them, I fight with them, for them. I would never ever hurt them and I cannot conceive in my heart or mind what has transpired in my life. Ever. It cuts me in two life a knife with acid on it. And, it never stops. It just cuts and cuts. I look at him and my eyes fill with tears every time, at the wasted life that he has lived, and the way that he wasted mine. For no reason. There was no reason. I gave him his freedom three times. He could have lived his frat boy life and not have looked back.
(AUSTRALIA) Dear Liz, I do not know you, but you are a strong strong strong fighting soul. What you have been through, the loyalty and fight you had for your relationship… oh boy. Liz, I hope with all my heart and soul that you find peace. You might be 60 but possibly you can rejoice finally to have him out of your life. I really hope you can find some solice in something, perhaps to try and find yourself again after all this.
I found out my husband had a long affair on me for 18 months after 20 odd years of marraige and I know the physical pain and emotional devastation from that, but your story is tragic. Liz, I am just lost for words for you, I will pray and send loving white light your way in the hope you will find yourself and live life for you, find enjoyment for yourself in something. Good luck and God bless.
(OHIO) So many stories. I am not alone in this. However I hope we can move on or try to forgive, only to give ourselves peace. I don’t really know how to do that but being divorced and mostly single for 3 years, I can say the one lesson I have learned is to never, ever, ever let another human being (husband, wife…) decide your worth.
I think we hold on to pain because it’s so hard to forgive. But after seeing the single side (with kids), I know that my soul is not defined by any one human on this earth. Just look at the cheaters. They don’t define themselves by what we think or else they would feel awful and never do it again.
(SOUTH AFRICA) It was November 2002, I was on a 40 day fast. While worshiping I suddenly saw a picture of my wife and a friend of ours walking down a country road. They were just walking – not talking or touching. I asked the Lord, “What is this Lord?” Holy Spirit whispered “You are not in this picture!” I was confused, had no idea what to make of it, decided I would chat to my sweetheart and see what her take was on what I had seen.
We lived in a small village in Botswana at the time. A close knit community!
Later that day -as was my habit – I popped in to see my wife at work to just catch up on the days events. I shared what I had seen in the spirit and what Holy Spirit said.
“Sweetie, we have been all the way!” Words that struck me like a bolt of lightning on a perfectly cloudless sky!
I stood up and went to the window, looked outside and whispered “Father…” I had no idea what to say – even to my God! He immediately responded and said “For your sake – forgive her right away.”
I turned to her, took her hands in mine and I did as My Lord required. I then asked her if they had used a condom – he was a prominent black gentleman who was known for his infidelity! You must understand, the HIV status in Botswana was exceptionally high. She said, “Yes but that it came off in the process.”
My sweetheart broke down. I comforted and consoled her until she had recovered sufficiently for me to leave.
The horror of what they had done to our Father.
David’s words just became a stuck record in my mind… “Against You and You alone have I sinned!” I raced home and immediately interceded for my wife and our friend. I entered the court of heaven and pleaded for mercy and not judgment! “Father, Jesus…the Blood!”
I was so consumed with standing between them and Fathers judgment that I had not even begun to process the impact of the confession on me, my life and on the lives of our children. Remember, I was on a fast – I was more in the spirit than in the flesh.
I prayed until she came home three hours later. She was crying, I took her in my arms and comforted her – I thought they were tears of remorse, but it transpired that they were tears that poured out because she had just spoken to him and told him that I now knew.
I cooked us a light meal and she went and had a bath. All this time I was standing in faith that the enemy would not use this to destroy my wife or our friend.
Later, when we went to bed, she opened the floodgates and told me all the sordid details. One could call it progressive revelation. I thought from her confession earlier that they had been together once! Only then did the full impact of an eleven month sordid affair start penetrating my – until now – intact emotions.
I curled into a fetal position as the unbelievable story unfolded.
When we married – after we had spent two years at Bible school – my sweetheart was a virgin! Sweet, gentle, shy and never spoke a harsh word against anyone.
Here this angel was confessing that due to her dissatisfaction with our intimate life (I am not a very sexual person so we would sometimes only make love 2 -3 times a month) she decided:
1. To find someone that would satisfy her.
2. Because of my walk with our Lord I would understand.
3. I would naturally forgive her as she knew I hated divorce.
4. The best way to deceive me was to always leverage my trust by asking permission to do things – like playing tennis together, go for a meal together when they were in the nearest town together etc.
5. She would get my children to enjoy him and his ‘fun’ ways.
6. She hoped – though he was a family friend – that he and I would become real buddies!
I must be honest and say, though I still continued my fast for another 20 days, my life became unbearable. My wife and I had no one that we could talk to except each other and of course, our Savior.
I tried my utmost to walk out my Christian convictions with both parties. Satan had a field day telling me that not only was I a failure as a husband and a lover but also as a ‘man in the community’. It transpired that the whole village knew about it – except my children and I.
The shame! Interracial relationships were – and still are – extremely frowned upon in that part of the world. The shame was intense.
Our businesses failed, financially we were relatively well off but since then everything went down hill. Due to the sin in her life my wife was totally blinded to the theft that was happening in our one business that she was managing. That theft led to the collapse of both businesses.
I negotiated with him and he agreed to transfer to another part of the country. However, this did not help as much as I had hoped. The shame was still there. The way people looked at me and the way they looked at my wife!
We eventually moved as well. This decision certainly alleviated the situation immensely. Finally we were able to discuss the whole sordid business with others – ‘church folk’. Much of what the ‘church’ said and advised, we had – with Holy Spirit’s aid – already handled and worked through.
The one thing that I experienced with all the help the ‘church’ gives is that it always seems to be the innocent partner’s fault. There seems to be this philosophy that if you do not meet your spouses needs then you are fully to blame for the outcome. The offending party is forgiven and can move on but the wounded is wounded even more.
Father, in His wonderful wisdom, knew that this would be the case – that’s why He gave me the picture of the two of them walking down the country lane – it was them; their walk; their decision; their sin… I was not in the picture – I actually had nothing to do with it.
Yes, I became the nominated ‘scapegoat’ – nominated by my wife and by EVERY person since – who has genuinely tried to be of help.
Six and a half years later I am still struggling with thoughts of failure – but I use the ‘picture’ and His Word to secure the victory. Trust is no longer an issue and our marriage is much stronger today than it has ever been.
I encourage every jilted spouse to ask Holy Spirit for a ‘picture’ from His perspective and then refer to the picture and His promises regularly. The day will come when you are healed – you are healed when it does not hurt anymore! The scars are there to remind you – just like Jesus still has nail scarred hands!
Lastly, husbands, love your wives as….
(USA) I am having problem. I still have strong feeling for my friend but I always break up with him and then he comes back. He never was able to tell me the truth if he was with another woman. Well, I broke up with him for about 3 month and I happened to stop past his house and told him to step outside so he and I could talk. I told him I wanted to get things off my chest with him. He wanted us both to take baby steps to work on our relationship. I asked, was there anyone else; he said no.
Well, 15 minutes later another lady drove up to his home and he looked little shocked. I was not shocked and I asked him who she was. As she walked to the porch he said a friend, and he said I broke up with you since 3 months. I knew her for a year and lived here for two months and she just rented and lived up stairs.
Well, I was not hurt at the moment… but I think he thinks that I was little upset with him. He introduced us briefly and she went into the house. He said she needed help and he allowed her to live with him. I believe he is lying.
I told him when I was pregnant and needed him he was never there for me. When I left, I could not cry, I did not feel hate. I just drove home in a daze. When I got home I was still numb and could not cry. I could not sleep, just thinking about him having this lady live with him… The next day, I drove to work and I cried, stop and cry later; stop. I just want to leave him alone… and it’s hard… why?
(AUSTRALIA) I found out my husband was having an affair with the Au Pair 12 months ago. I left and he told me he hoped we could work it out. He then spent the next 9 months not seeing his children because he was too busy with her, all the time telling me he wanted to work it out with me. He thought it would be okay to continue the relationship as long as I did not find out. I feel hurt and betrayed all over again, except that this time the hurt is deeper, even though I did not think that was possible. I cannot see a time when I will be free of what he has done and look at life positively again.
(USA) I have been married for 9 years to a wonderful woman and have 2 great kids. About three weeks ago I cheated on her with a woman that was watching our kids and a friend of both of us. I have told my wife everything and now I feel the pain and hurt that I have put her through. I also hurt more than I could ever know. I feel like I am the worst thing in the world. This is the worst thing that a spouse could ever do to the one they love and give there life to.
To all you ladies that have been hurt and are in doubt about your husbands: if they say they love you with all their hearts and mean it that they will never do this again, I am standing proof of that. I told my wife that I will never hurt her again and mean every word. I hope and pray every day that we can put this behind us and go on with our lives cause divorce is not the way out for us. I love my wife with all my heart and always will. If anyone has any advice for us please let us know. Thanks