Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)
After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.
It’s Important HOW You Say It
The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.
If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.
After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.
Hiding Info
There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.
Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.
This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.
The Ideal:
Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.
Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.
The Spouse Now Holds the Reins
The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!
Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.
Grieving the Loss
During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.
Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.
This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.
Some of Their Feelings:
• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).
Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.
Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.
Guarantees
One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
Remedy
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.
This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair
—ALSO —
Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:
• DEALING WITH ANGER AFTER AN AFFAIR
Filed under: Surviving Infidelity
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I have really found comfort in all the comments that I have read so far. It’s good to know that I am not alone. I am glad I found poeple that I can relate to. I dont feel alone anymore. I think this will help me cope better. And it will also help the forgiving part. It is very difficult to forgive, but it’s best for both parties to work on the forgiving and put all our trust in the Almighty. We must remember WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER. And marriage is from GOD. So we have to make work for the BLESSINGS TO FALL ON US. We must remeber the DEVIL is not a very happy camper when we start forgiving and moving on, he loves destruction, and also he cometh only but to steal, kill, and destroy. So let’s keep the faith. AND GOD WILL SEE US THROUGH.
(UK) Hello, Today I’ve found myself in a similar situation and although I am not married I feel so much pain and grief inside it’s sometimes difficult to breath. I have been in a relationship with a guy for a 1.5 yrs. We live together and I am so much in love with him. I knew about a girl he met last year during summer when we split up for a minute. He denied betrayal and told me a well-planned story that they only met for few drinks, he showed her a city and walked back home. He mentioned that he kissed her but that was all.
Today, after a year, he confessed that he had sex with her and I feel sooo disappointed and betrayed. I can’t believe he was lying all this time and I cannot imagine a continuation of this relationship.
(USA) Hi Aneta – I can relate to your story. I am living with my boyfriend of 2.5 years and about 8 months ago he told me he had cheated on me with his ex wife a year previous to me finding out. It was the lies that led up to the event and the entire year after of lying that I can’t get past. There aren’t any children and no permanent commitments to hold on to. Yet, I am still here, angry, hurt, depressed. I can’t leave. He has a child with his ex so this means he is still in constant contact with whom he slept with.
I couldn’t live without him at first. Now, the resentment has run so deep and anger still so real, I’m not sure this will last. It’s very hard. I have since sought therapy for myself. The happiness has to be found within. No one else, our partners, will ever make us happy until we find that happiness within ourselves again. I hope things have worked out in your best interest and you were able to move forward in your relationship. It is tough and a process that no one knows how to deal with until it happens to them.
(US) I stumbled upon this article and these comments as I was searching again for some relief or understanding of my pain. I’ve been married 30 years. 14 months ago my husband came to me (out of the blue) to tell me he’d been having an affair. After many different versions of the truth I was able to find out the affair had been for 2 years. I got his phone records, travel records and pieced together a sketch of his other life. More than 3000 phone calls, 90 nights together, travel around the country, lovely hotels, Broadway shows, expensive dinners, airfare, car rentals… well over $60,000.00
She is a business client, divorced and 10 years younger than myself. She even provided him viagra for their first sexual encounter to be sure he’d perform well. They had unprotected sex -(no pregnancy worries because he had a vasectomy) and I recently found out I have HPV and have had to have 2 biopsies for precancerous cells.
His excuse was he was angry with me and didn’t feel loved. He said he felt lonely after my son (our youngest went off to school) but this affair started 2 months before he dropped him off. It was as though he was getting ready for lots of free time and found a new playmate. Meanwhile, when my son left, I spent alot of time and effort to make things more to his liking around the house. I redecorated our room in his favorite colors, 2 new televisions-little things I thought he’d enjoy. I’ve done everything for this man and my family for 30 years, including being available to him and his needs. He is simply the most selfish needy person on earth.
I think I’ve accepted the betrayal, the loss of trust, the shattered marriage vows. I’ve grieved, I’ve been suicidal, I’ve tried to look forward and not back. We are both in counceling (together and separately). I felt like I was recovering. I make him the focus of all of my attention because I’m trying so hard to make this work.
My problem is now I’m so angry!!! I look at him and I hear him tell me how happy and fulfilled he feels and I want to scream. He knows the pain he’s caused. He’s watched me try to recontruct myself and my self esteem through some very dark and difficult times. I’m so angry that I’m still suffering and he’s so happy.
I actually google her once a week hoping to read she’s dead. That’s sick and pathetic, but I guess that’s what I’ve become, just an sad, old, empty shell of my former self. I don’t know where I’ll find peace or resolution. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a hole again. I don’t think I can live like this anymore.
(SA) Hi Amie. If I were you I would run as fast as I could from that man. Most of the time if they mistreat you before marriage, he just does not change; instead he continues with his wicked ways. My husband was verbally and emotionally abusive before we got married, I thought he would change, but gues what?
After 9 years of being together he is still abusive and he just confessed that he kissed a few women and had oral sex with them, which I don’t believe. I am so angry. I first pretended to be fine, but the pain is growing and I am going to ask him questions tonight.
I have been planning a divorce for a few months now, but I will not tell him until I have acquired protection order( because of his abusive behavior) and move out, and them serve him with divorce papers. We are stll renting so moving out will not be a problem. I pray to God for strength and comfort. I will forgive him, but I will not go back to him.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I found out about a one night stand –by chance one night going through my husband’s emails. He says “nothing happened” but I know that he left his uncle’s house in her car (he was away on a business trip) –they were alone and she tells him in her emails to him and how “special” he made her feel :(
A year prior I went through his phone, searched photo’s and found images of all my female family members, my best friend and some girls who worked with him at a previous company. He had photo shopped these innocent pictures into raunchy sexual poses by pasting their heads onto naked bodies he found on the net. My world crumbled, but he apologized and I have lived with it ever since.
When I confront him about the women that keep popping up in our lives he justifies it by telling me that it’s because I am so selfish or that I am such a b…. We have 2 children and 1 on the way.
This week I went through his phone again and found a message to a female friend in which he refers to me as a B….. a.. woman with a stinking attitude. I don’t have a “stinking attitude.” And when I do get upset about something it’s because something happened that caused me to be upset. That particular day, he made me an hour late for work and yes I was upset but I did not lash out. I pull my face into a knot and dealt with it all inside.
I feel stupid reading this because I would have replied to this add going “you’re not important enough to him, it’s time you realize you deserve better and move on.”
I am so broken up. I don’t want to leave. I married him for the right reasons, not for this? Counselling is not an option – they charge exorbitant amounts of money and you have to go for 3 or more sessions to see a difference. If we cannot communicate and fix our issues on our own – why bother?
(UK) Hello, I am in a similar position. The sense of disappointment and betrayal is huge. However, I love him and I am willing to give our love another chance. There were lots of circumstances which added to our troubles, none of which I believe excuse any of what happened. None the less, I want this to work. It’s a hard road back and the loss of the closeness and everything that we had together is what I find the hardest.
I pray that we make it; I just want to let you know you are not alone as by my looking for answers on here. I have discovered that this unfortunately happens to thousands of people every day! If you do decide to work through it, try to remember all the reasons you were together in the first place. Also try to think and focus on the good times that are still out there for you.
(USA) Hi, I have a similar situation. I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a coworker. She is young enough to be my daughter has had MANY sexual partners. He had unprotected sex because she said she was clean. She also is our closest neighbor. They met in our house, car, farm, barn, left everyday to go do some fieldwork, and who know where else? Near the end of his affair I watched him go pick her up and take her home. The reason for this is he is just being neighborly. Everywhere I look she’s been there.
He spent excessive amount of money on gifts and liquor. We had been married 40 yrs and celebrated our 41st while he was having the affair. I suppose because of her, he was both verbally and physically abusive to me, he denies those facts. He was finally busted when my family said they saw him meet her at night and drive off together. Even though I was questioning him, he was in denial until then. He stayed in denial for 2 months then said nothing ever happened but he had been with her. Finally he did say he had sex one time only.
This has been over 18 months ago and he is sticking with his story. Prescription records show that viagra was purchased every month during his affair and those were not used with me. Cell records document there was over 700 calls. I later found out after I washed a small plastic bag in his pocket and he became very angry. He was angry because I had washed his viagra he carried everyday in his pocket.
My husband is a minister and continued to stand before the congregation every Sunday. Once I knew about this I stayed quiet because I did not want to hurt our members. I continued to be quiet even when we were having extreme difficulties. After all, he said to be quiet because he had hurt just me and I would hurt everyone if I was vocal.
It has been 19 months since he said he stopped seeing her. I am extremely grieved and hurt. I am the one he says will hurt the children, hurt his character in the community, and continue to hurt him and condemn him if I don’t start acting better. I must note this is the second affair in the last 4 yrs (young enough to be my daughter). Also, I have discovered he has had an emotional affair with his deputy assistant for 19 yrs which he says he didn’t know he was doing. I found out recently and that he has had sex one other time (one night stand, doesn’t mean a thing) many years ago.
His philosophy is that what I don’t know won’t hurt me. I am a relatively attractive women for my age and am devastated by his choice of young women. We have since left our church quietly and no one was ever told. He says HE will repair me with the scriptures and is in my face constantly when I don’t act like he believes is proper. He is upset because he thinks I should be over this. I did not believe he would ever betray me. I was the last to know. How and where can I go? I look to God and His Word but I am cut to shreds on the inside.
(RSA) I found out about a month ago that my husband has been cheating on me. Well, he confessed so. He had had 5 women in a period of 1 year and half. He said he’d cut ties with them. He told me he did. I believed him (70%). Yesterday I saw an email from one of the women. One was from the previous week, which he was responding to, the one I could not find. The second one, incidentally, sent on the day I saw it, was initiated by him.
When I saw it, I had a panic attack. I felt like I was going to die right there. How could he do this to me? Just the previous night he had said he loved me and he never even loved any of those women. But he is still lying to me because he is not disclosing the fact that he still sees one of them.
I didn’t ask him about it. Instead I made a plan. I bought cellphone spyware, I wanted to hear exactly what he and this woman were saying to each other. Does he love her? Does he want to leave me for her? We are supposed to be Christians, for God’s sake! We had devotions together the day before I saw the email, and one of the things we discussed was honesty.
After that I felt like I was on top of a mountain, my hope was renewed, only to find that I am being lied to. I felt like a fool. I am worried that he might be planning to leave me to be with her. What if this is true?
I have since turned to silence mode, saying only the minimum required. Please help, how should I handle this man?
(USA) I don’t think it matters if you are married or not. A commitment is a commitment. My husband of 20 yrs cheated on me for over 7 months with a much younger co-worker. He says she didn’t mean anything to him. It was all about the sex. I think he is lying. My 15 yr old found out first and he told her she couldn’t tell me because I would make him leave. She finally couldn’t take it anymore and ended up telling me the truth. He promised her he would end it but he didn’t for another two weeks. Wow, that hurt our daughter terribly.
I have not left him or made him leave, but some days I want to. He says just don’t talk about it and it will be okay between us. If he only knew the hurt, anger, and disappointment I or we feel… he might umderstand. We have been going to counseling but I just don’t know if it will work yet or not. We have been together since we were 17 and we are now 41. I wish I knew what to do.
(INDIA) Thank you… Your sharings put here was comforting when someone is going through the down phse of life. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. Till I knew that he has girlfriend I blamed myself for making things worst for us… My eyes opened when he confessed that he has another girlfriend in college who is junior to him. For once he came back and even I thought I should forgive him as all make mistakes. But I was wrong. He betrayed me for second time.
Now I am in such a situation that I can’t let him go… My friends say with time evrything will be fine, but I love him so much and he is not willing to come back to me… He says he still has feelings for me but has some problem which holds him back… Because of him I deactivated from Facebook and stopped keeping contact from my friends. When I login the Facebook I see him and that brings back my memories with him. Even now, I love him so much that I could forgive him for everything but I am wondering what holds him back if he feels for me.
He says he is not that close with is new girlfriend but things seem to be different from the reason he is stating. And when I ask him about the problem he is not willing to share. Before he used to love a lot but I don’t know. Since his last semester he is completely changed.
I am so torn and can’t concentrate on my work and can’t stop myself from thinking about him…. Tell me what I should do. I dont find my life like before and I don’t want to be in another relationship. I feel I will wait for him to come back for me. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I have become dsyfunctional and losing my aim in life… I am not like before as I lose my temper frequently, especially with my family members. I send lots of message in his cell phone but he is not responding. I asked him to tell me that he doesn’t love me. At least that is better than the reason he is giving. Before, he used to respond but he has stop responding to me… I can do nothing but just cry silently. I feel our three year relationship is for nothing and the love we made meant nothing to him.
(US) My wife has been working very intensely closely with a man for about 2 years. Over a period of 4 months ending last June I became increasingly anxious as she spent more and more time out of the home (we have 3 children, youngest aged 4, for whom I effectively became the only parent) and seemed more emotionally distant from me. There was a period of 3 weeks in which she was in a complete fog. I was aware that they were becoming closer and closer, but I have always trusted her implicitly, and did not believe anything untoward was happening, even when, after expressing my irritation that she spend 30 minutes on the phone with him late one evening interrupting something we were doing, she responded with a look of desperate fear and guilt.
A week later, more or less by accident, I found something she had written (to herself) outlining what had happened. He had approached her, twice in a few days, expressing his interest in an affair. She writes of her excitement, how they have been flirting over the months, how attracted she is to him, and asking whether there would be anything wrong with having an affair, expressing regret that she is staid and can’t live in the moment, and expressing that although I am very good and loyal, I am also possessive and overbearing. It was clear that she had decided not to have the affair. But it was clear that she, at least at the time, wanted to, and felt that it was a legtimate act.
I had a breakdown. I did NOT confront her with my evidence (which I regret, take note if you are ever in this situation) but I did confront her about her relationship with him. She denies that anything untoward has happened, but acknowledges that in my situation she would have been wildly jealous. Since then she has pursued a close friendship with him, which I think he has withheld, much to her disappointment (he, too, is married with young kids, and my sense is that after going further with her than he intended he understands that being close to her would jeopardise both marriages, which she does not seem to understand).
I am more or less sane now (good antidepressant, good therapist) and am certain that although she has, effectively, had an emotional affair, she is committed to our marriage and me, and will not have a physical affair. We are in marriage counseling, which I embrace but she doesn’t. I have gone through terror of her leaving me, deep sadness and recently, tremendous anger. My problem is that whereas I cannot confront her now with the evidence I have (it’s too late for that to be constructive) unless I do she will not admit what she is done, and I fear that I cannot forgive, which I need to do (for myself). She continues to work with him very closely indeed, and will do so for several more months, and I am not even feeling jealous most of the time (it helps that I now think he is a decent person, even though acknowledging that forces me to confront the fact that she has been behaving badly). I want to either forgive or forget, but I am incapable of the latter. How do you forgive something that has not been admitted?
I am not a believer, nor is she. But I know that Christianity has a great deal of accumulated wisdom, especially about personal relationships, that secular traditions have not managed to replicate.
(USA) I have to admit that I found the overall tone of this article disturbing. Essentially instructing adulterers to submit to verbal abuse? Responding to pain by causing other people pain seems counterintuitive. Perhaps counseling is in order, instead?
I also dislike the ratio of male vs female pronouns, but that’s another issue altogether. Maybe I’m oversensitive.
i just want to say, ladies, that just because your husband is cheating on you – that does not mean that he wants to leave you. In fact, most of the people I know who are in committed relationships, and sleeping with other people, deeply love their life-mate (primary mate/ wife / SO / whatever), consider them their best friends, and do not want to live without them. What they seek with other women is oftentimes purely animalistic. I’m sure it comes as little comfort, but believe me – your husband almost certainly loves you and in his HEART is committed to no one but you.
I have a very different of love/commitment/partner ownership than most people here so I am sure my comments will not be welcome… I hope I haven’t hurt anyone, that is, whether or not you believe it, the opposite of my intention.
(No, I am not dating a married man, and I never have. I have been ‘cheated on’, and it radically transformed the way I looked at love.)
(S.AFRICA) Dear Lily, WOW! Yes you surely do have a different love/commitment/partner ownership. If a man/woman TRULY loves his/her spouse then why would he/she want to inflict the pain that results from sleepng around? So you are saying they “want their cake AND eat it?” That their actions are purely animalistic? Where is self control in this all? Yes, it comes with little comfort believe me, I am not hurt but baffled at your reasoning. When I married my husband I did so in love and COMMITMENT. I will never agree to share him with anyone else. It’s all or nothing I am afraid. If his HEART is committed to me and ONLY me then his body encases that heart and should never stray.
Jesus made it clear adultery is as much a betrayal of the heart as of the body.
(CANADA) I was married for 22 yrs and found out about 2 months ago, that the man I loved more than anything, the man I trusted with my life, was cheating. As the last weeks went on, I found out more and more — that it started 2 1/2yrs ago and there has been at least 3 women. To say that I was devastated would have been an understatement.
At first I didn’t even want to go on. The lies were endless and that is why I am trying to have as little or no contact with him at all. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. With the help of my family and close friends, I’m trying hard to move on. I started counseling last week. At first it brought up everything to the first day. I said I found out a couple months ago, but a lot was happening since Jan. and I feel so stupid I didn’t see what he was really all about. How can anyone sleep with their spouse and act like nothing is wrong, when all along you’re also sleeping with someone else? It’s disgusting for sure… made me feel a range of emotions.
I know I’m far from healed, but I believe God is right by my side during this journey and for a reason not known to me yet, he has a plan for me and the rest of my life. So I’m trying hard to move on, someday forgive …but never forget. This they tell me will make me stronger and much, much wiser…
(US) Does the feeling of sickness ever go away? Can you ever really trust that person again? I will not confront the lies, it would not make a difference. I am committed to this marriage and confrontation would just lead to a barrage of more excuses and crap that really has no point. So at every “I love you” from him, I smile and say it back, and at every “you are the most amazing wife” all I hear in my head is “I am an idiot for ever trusting you” and at every gift all I think is “you are feeling guilty again”. I guess all I can hope for is numbness. The gift of feeling nothing at all and wishing deep in my soul I had never met him.
(USA) The feeling of sickness does go away. Does trust ever return? It depends. If he really loves you, has really repented, confessed that what he’s done is wrong and works to rebuild the trust, then trust can be rebuilt. But if he never owns the affair, never does any of the work needed to rebuild trust, then trust will never return.
Actually, numbness would be bad. He either rebuilds the trust or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, no one would blame you for exercising your option to divorce an unfaithful man. Don’t settle, it’s not worth it. Feeling nothing at all is not a good place to be. Feel sick, feel angry, feel all those feelings. Feeling nothing is no gift.
(USA) Numb, you hit home with me. They say one thing but because of their actions we can not receive it. You are right; it seems useless to confront a liar. I know how you feel. Tony, I believe what you have stated. Trust can only be rebuilt with honesty and work. Only the Holy Spirit can bring a heart to true repentance. My heart grieves for the lack of intergrity in a lot of our men, mainly Christian men.
(USA) Funny how the author of this article presumes it is the man who has betrayed the relationship…
(AUSTRALIA) Yeah, I noticed that too. Female Blogger, I suspect, may have colored the direction a bit. At least the information was neutral.
(USA) It seems many of these help lines assume that the men are the guilty parties. This as you know and I am overwhelmingly aware is not always the case. My wife had asked for a divorce about 6 years ago, because of my drinking and “abuse”. When I quit drinking the very next day she became angry. Angry because her excuse to end our marriage was gone. She had been having an affair for more than a year, I had been, wrongfully attempting to mask her betrayal in a bottle.
She agreed to work on the marriage. She signed us up for counseling sessions knowing she would not be there. She broke off her affair with one man only to go into others. Now she left the church because of their “judgement” divorced me and deserted three of our four boys. She has taken the other one with her and introduced him to her reprobate way of living. She has been sighted nude on various websites by my boys friends and had made a bondage video three years before divorcing.
Since then I keep learning of more indiscretions and deeper betrayal. She is and has been a sex addict all along, and the more I find out, the more I doubt she has ever been faithfull. My healing process after 21 years of this abuse has been extremely difficult. I have recently found that the members of my church still share info with her, and believe her lies and decption. She told, and believes herself, That it is my fault she had the affair. (only 1 I was aware of at the time) now more than ten. Through this it is most unhealthy to isolate yourself, but in my circumstance, necessary. Isolate from the unhealthy relationships seek now healthy ones, cautiously, that are safe and supportive.
(UNITED STATES) Its been two months since I caught my husband of three and a half years, having sex with another woman. The first two weeks, I wanted to die. We have two little boys and he adopted my eleven year old. I know where you are at. I felt ashamed for wanting my relationship back with him. It was hard talking to my friends because everyone thinks I should be done with him.
I know that nothing could ever be the same with us. It takes me looking at my boys and realizing what kind of father he has been and what kind of husband he has been; to make me realize that I am a much better person than he is and he only brings me down each time I talk to him. I thought I knew him. I wouldn’t have ever thought about cheating to the point that I don’t really look other men in the eye at work because I felt like I was doing something wrong. I am an attractive woman and I don’t want other men to get the wrong idea.
I realize that while I was on the faithful end of the spectrum, my husband was able to comfortably have sex with another woman. She has a boyfriend, so they were both cheating. He couldn’t have loved me if he was able to get naked with someone else. He knew me so well and he knew that what we had was so sacred and special. It is gone now.
Each day is getting a little easier. I am working on areas of my life that I can make better. I can only work on myself not on him. He has to make that choice for himself. He has tried to get me back, but I wouldn’t marry the man he has become. I divorced him. I cried every step of the way. Each time I talk to him, he brings me down even if it is a civil conversation. I found that when I don’t talk to him, I am happy. Getting what is negative out of my life has helped. I still have weak moments but they are getting fewer.
Good luck to you. It’s not anything to do with you. If there was something missing in your relationship, he should have worked with you to find a way to put what is missing back into your lives. A real man would have done that. Finding someone else was the easy way out.
(AUSTRALIA) I have been married for 23 Years. Earlier this year I found out that my husband had been lying to me about many issues. The hurt, pain and sorrow, these lies caused, the betrayal, having our children lie to me as well, although they are old enough to know better. I feel like an outsider, the lies continue, yet he denies them. He has never given an explanation for any of it. He just says he ‘doesn’t know why. This is not helping me to recover from the grief of the loss of trust. The betrayal is over whelming. He says there was no other woman, although I had 2 anon phone calls, informing me he was meeting a woman at the beach. He denies this.
We went away to try to reconnect in July. I said to him I would forgive him anything, just tell me the truth. He said there were no more lies, that I knew all of it. We came home, after a wonderful week away… only for me to find that he had bought himself a new wetsuit on E-bay. Yes, that was a part of the problem, the secretive E-bay account. Minor in comparison to the rest of what went on. This lie, hurt, just as much as the others… perhaps a bit more. As I had given him the chance to tell me. When I asked ” Why he didn’t let me know, he said he didn’t think it was the right time.” It was the the right time to tell me, as I had told him I would forgive him ANYTHING.
Now I am in a situation where I am upset a great deal of the time. I am supposed to get on with it… forget it, …it’s in the past… get over it… etc, etc etc. All from his mouth to my ears. I say “It is not that easy; once your heart has been shattered and your soul feels beaten and bruised.
I have asked him to read up on the net, about why people feel the way they do. I found a site last night for him to read and I left the page up. It was about Infidelity, he tells me. I explained, Yes, however, the lies and betrayal achieve the same emotions. He does not listen, tells me to get over it. I now have a family of four, all who stick together, and I feel like an outsider. Of course they all stick together, they all know what they have done. I will never, ever understand why.
Everything was so open before all this secrecy began… we had a happy family, then all of a sudden he decided not to back me up with parenting. That was the beginning and it all went down hill after that. The thought that there could be another woman is extremely upsetting. I have no proof. Only the fact he changed all his email passwords and phone pin numbers, that we once shared.
To wrap this all up, what I would like to know is… What do I do? I did not deserve this, no one does. To have your husband who you adored, loved, trusted 100%, to do this to you… is excruciating. I have prayed for help, I have tried every way possible to fix this. Yet I get “NO ANSWERS ” from my husband.
I have written him many letters, because I was in BIG trouble if I raised my voice. He believed the children over me. He supports them and backs them up, when I ask for help. He puts himself and the children before me. I am left with our adorable Labrador. I did a parenting course when the children were very young, so they would not know what it is to be smacked, have their self esteem attacked etc. I had a very good teacher and I believe bought up amazing children.
Now, I do not know what to do, where to turn, what to believe or not believe. I am walking on egg shells. I even bought my husband an eternity ring… the 2nd Year into this… I have never been gifted with one myself. I believe that speaks volumes. Thanks for listening. I feel for all of you. Jo.
(USA) Typical Christian Right, it’s always the ‘Infidel’ Husband that cheats on the poor innocent wife. I can’t get past your pronouns to get help from your article. Consider revising.
Yes, I’m a little on edge over my experience.
Sean, we can’t change an author’s pronouns to the way we believe it would work best for everyone. It’s not a “typical Christian right” thing, it’s the way the excerpt, that we used, flowed within the context it was written. We can’t “revise” it because we aren’t the authors. But still, as with most of the articles posted on this web site, even if the pronoun is different from the gender of the reader, the advice is still sound, whether you’re a man or a woman. Interpolate the pronoun and consider the information accordingly. What you can’t use, because it’s too gender specific or it doesn’t quite fit your situation, realize that particular part of the advice is waiting there to help someone else.
Sorry we can’t do more for you than that. We hope you find the help you need somewhere, somehow. It’s understandable that you would be “a little on edge” if you have been cheated on. Sorry for your pain.
(US) I know this site is for women cheated on by men but it’s the only one I could find. About a year and a half into my relationship I noticed my girlfriend spending a lot of time with her boss. We worked at the same place and her boss was an old friend of mine who’s married with kids so I thought it was nothing. After going home early I found the two of them in my bed lying down and they explained it away. Not wanting to believe this could be happening I told myself they were just friends and asked her to back off.
Soon after, I caught her lying to me and hanging out with him. She convinced me I was paranoid and gave me a guilt trip cause I didn’t trust her. After a couple months she said she needed a break. Later she said she loved me and I was all she wanted but she still hung out with this guy. We even all hung out together.
When I looked in her phone I found all the texts they were writing each other. At the end of our break she wrote him saying she felt dirty and was done. He didn’t stop pursuing her. I ended up beating this man until his blood stained my carpet. She says she wanted to tell me but was afraid of losing me. we both quit our jobs and are moving away together cause a new start in a new town will save our relationship. It has only been a week and a half but I still feel hurt from all the lies she said to cover it up but she says now she is willing to do whatever it takes to make it better.
(USA) Ryan, You might want to reconsider quitting your job and running to a new place. You might end up resenting your partner worse if it doesn’t work out. I found out my girlfriend had been having an affair for 11 months with one of my friends that we have a horse barn together. During this affair we had plans of getting married. I bought a very nice house for us and her kids. Spent 45k during this time helping her financially with different things. I found out June 1st at her oldest daughter’s graduation when I was running late and I could see the way she was looking at him something was up.
She admitted to about 10% of the truth few days later. I told her I was leaving her and she tried to commit suicide. My world stopped cause those kids need their mother and I could not handle the guilt of her taking her life over me. Today almost 7 months later with numerous counseling sessions and reading the book “after the affair,” I am still plagued with unbearable hurt and betrayal that I can’t get out of my head. I drive by the hotel they met at every day when I go to work.
I got rid of the furniture in our house where she gave him sex. I loved her more than anything and I know she is sorry. But running isn’t going to change anything. The real pain is still to come for you. Right now you can’t see up from down. I was so stupid the first week after I found out. I went out and bought an engagement ring thinking it would fix things if we got married. We have never had 2 weeks go by long enough for me to ask her without me hitting my knees in pain and I’m not sure if I will ever ask her. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I’m very sorry for you.
I’m not bi-polar, but if I was, I imagine that this is what it is like. I have moments where I’m ok and then something will happen to make me think of the affair and it’s like I got hit by a freight train. I’m not the same person, as I once was full of life always joking around, trusted everyone, thought everyone would treat me the same way I treated them. My job, health and personal relationships have all suffered from this. I hear it all the time from my colleagues and friends, “what’s wrong, you’re not the same person?”
I pray it goes away because I don’t want to live my life this way. It takes a strong person to endure and forgive. I haven’t forgiven her yet and not sure if I can. I just wanted you to know Ryan, I’m sorry, for no deserves this pain. If there is any good that will come out of this, I do realize my short comings as a man and I know I needed to be more flexible and sensitive and caring toward my partners feelings (my parents were very strict with me growing up). If it doesn’t work out for us, at least for my next partner, if I can find the strength to believe again.
(US) My husband I are going thru this now. In April, one week before my 40th birthday, he came home from work acting very sick. I was concerned. The next day was worse. I was very worried. I kept asking questions then got the answer that changed our lives forever. It happened one time. It was very odd how I handled it. Looking back, at first I was so angry then I noticed how he was acting and I became concerned for him. We didn’t tell any family because I wanted to make the decisions, not everyone else.
It has been such a roller coaster. He has really been great. I guess that sounds weird but he has been totally honest and let me go thru the anger and pain as it comes. For him, I know it has to be hard to be reminded of this awful thing he did. His pride has not gotten in the way and we just handle it as it comes. We both agreed for me to let it out so it doesn’t build up. He has been honest with me too and I am working hard to find myself again and realize I had a part in it.
I didn’t deserve what I got but I did do things wrong. I think we are handling it correctly. Its been almost eight months and we are probably closer now than we have been in years. It can be done but it’s not for the weak. The one thing I’ve realized is that I am a lot stronger than I thought and oddly enough so is our love. An older friend compared it to this:
“It’s liking a glass piece you treasure thru the years. It gets nicked and cracked but you just keep putting the pieces aside until one day it gets totally broke and you realize how much it meant to you. So you have to painstakenly work and put it back together then and only then does the whole thing get fixed and hopefully it’s stronger and better than it has been in years.” That has helped me so much. We are both determined to put us back stronger and better. I hope this helps someone. It helped me to write this.