When you don’t want to have sex with your husband, what do you do? Maybe you can relate to the wife’s thoughts expressed below.
“I have already gotten settled in bed, wearing my flannel nightgown and reading my book. Now that you’re in the mood, I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble…” (This is a paraphrase of Song of Songs 5:3,6)
Sometimes the well-worn excuse, “I’ve got a headache, honey,” is actually true. Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’re angry or disappointed. And it’s equally difficult to desire your husband sexually if you’re not attracted to him.
When You Don’t Want Sex
Many women in difficult marriages lack a desire for sexual intimacy with their mates. And you don’t have to look far to understand why, at least in part. We’re all aware that women are wired differently than men when it comes to sex. While men often times are aroused by physical and visual stimuli, women usually need to feel affection and trust in order to be responsive to a man’s sexual advances. When a wife receives her husband during intercourse, she is, in a sense, allowing herself to be invaded by him —not just physically, but on emotional and spiritual levels, as well.
Feelings Make a Difference When You Don’t Want Sex
Wives who feel loved and secure can welcome this invasion as an opportunity to experience intense intimacy and pleasure with their husbands. But wives who lack sexual desire or who feel animosity toward their husbands often experience sex as a violation rather than as loving communion.
Many women in difficult marriages find sex undesirable. So, if you have problems in this area, know that you’re in good company. Also know that you can take steps to have a more satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture can shed some insight into why [wives] may be feeling resistant or resentful when it comes to lovemaking. In a well-known but often misrepresented passage about marriage, Paul writes:
‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.‘ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
What These Verses Do and Don’t Mean
These verses have been used to browbeat wives into feeling guilty when they don’t want sex or avoid it. But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs also to her spouse. As ‘one flesh,’ a wife shares her body with her husband. Bible commentaries also point out that when Paul says we ‘belong’ to one another, he’s not just emphasizing our ownership rights over one another. He’s also clarifying that our exclusive conjugal rights belong to each other —no outsiders allowed.
This passage does not teach that a wife (or a husband) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it. Rather, it teaches that since my husband’s body belongs to me I should care enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can. And he is to do likewise with my body. In the same way, my husband’s body belongs to me. I should also be understanding and generous when it’s not “in the mood.” And he is to do likewise with my body. The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.
At first reading, this passage may also seem to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis. That is because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness. It helps to protect our fidelity. The intent of this duty isn’t that a wife complies with a husband’s selfish appetite for sex on demand or vice versa. The intent is for her to fulfill her sacred obligation to meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is to keep the marriage bed pure, and keep each other free of sexual temptation.
Another Passage
Let’s look at another passage. In Ephesians, husbands are told to love their wives “as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “After all, no one ever hated his own body,” Paul writes, “but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (v.29). God describes a husband who loves his wife so much that he puts her needs as high on the chart as his own bodily needs! In regard to sex then, if a husband loves his wife this way, there’s no danger that he’ll mistreat her or take sexual advantage of her, because that would be like hating his own body.
In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he —not she —is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.
So now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs. However, on the other extreme —saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship —is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If you consistently rebuff your husband’s sexual advances and resent intercourse, you need to take active, positive steps toward restoring consistent and mutually satisfying lovemaking to your marriage.
Suggestions When You Don’t Want Sex:
Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and change. For starters:
• Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking.
Make sure he knows you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.
• Take a “Time Out” from Sex.
Paul said not to deny each other except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). The reason for a sexual hiatus isn’t to avoid sex. It’s to pray and take active steps to bring about change. It’s not to stop resentment from building. Additionally, it’s to bring healing so that resentment is no longer an issue. Talk about this with your husband. Tell him what you’re doing and why.
If he knows the goal isn’t less sex, but more and better sex, he’ll likely feel less threatened by a time out. He may also be more willing to see a counselor together, read books together, or explore the problem. If he gets angry or refuses to respect your wishes, talk with a counselor. You need to gain wisdom and support for what you can do.
• Educate yourself.
There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction. There are plenty of good books available, however. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:
• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.
Additionally:
• Check Your History.
Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.
• Rule Out Physical Problems.
Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Explore the possible causes and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, or if you lack lubrication. Also visit a doctor if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.
• Experiment with Being the Initiator.
In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator. This can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse. Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out:
Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest. So he anxiously begins to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation. So she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.
Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.
• Spell It Out for Him!
“If [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly. That causes her anger to sizzle.”
Sound familiar? Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed. Let him know what makes you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day. She needs more interaction than giving it only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much.
It could be as simple as a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy. List for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.
• Consider Sexual Therapy If You Continually Don’t Want Sex.
For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching. Over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse. (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program.)
If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.
• Be Honest About Turnoffs
It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood. For years, Catherine’s husband Jason had no idea she was repelled by the smell of a prescription lotion. When she mentioned it, he was hurt that she’d never been honest before. Now he never applies his bedtime dose of lotion until he’s sure they won’t be making love.
If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values. Do what you can to try not to let them detract from lovemaking.
Never Give Up
Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way:
“How important is sex in marriage? Here’s a simple answer. When sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running —without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”
Here is a prayer you can use as an outline:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband. You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another. Amen.
This article came from the book, Lovers for Life: Strengthening and Preserving Your Marriage
— IN ADDITION, TO HELP YOU WITH THIS ISSUE —
Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com web site gives insightful information for you to read:
• SEX FOR HER —When She Resists or Limits Sex
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I want sex nightly but I get off in about two min. Is that normal?
(CANADA) Very interesting articles.
(USA) I worked a lot, when we were younger, because she was use to a richer life than me. When she would complain about not having or wishing for what I couldn’t afford, I felt I failed her. So I would work harder and longer. Because I wasn’t always available to do things, she felt I put her second always. I thought I could work hard to make a business, that paid more than my education would ever let me make. Then I could get things, plus be there always.
It has hardened her heart, so now she says she fells non-sexual feelings for me. I’m on disability now to make things worse. I try to clean and do what she wants, but if I miss something it’s like I’ve got to start all over again. If I try for a couple of weeks to month, she doesn’t let up or show any change or her side. Where do I put or handle these unbearable sexual urges. Thanks, Cecil.
(USA) This may come as something of a shock, but I don’t want to have sex with my wife for my own physical gratification. If your only goal is physical gratification then it really doesn’t require a partner.
As I’ve come to love my wife more and more, my desire has been more to fulfill her sexual gratification, rather than trying to satisfy mine. The problem is that she doesn’t seem to want it. When I make advances toward her she sometimes feels that she should accept my advances to satisfy me out of some worldly belief that she is obligated to do so, but shy of a cold shower there is little that will turn me off faster than the thought of my wife feeling as though she needs to satisfy me out of some obligation.
Me I don’t feel it is my obligation, but my privilege to help satisfy her, she just doesn’t take advantage of it. Thoughts anyone?
(USA) 1 Corinthians 7 says that it IS an obligation. Of course though we would rather Making love was from desire, but at the very least, it IS an obligation.
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (English Standard Version)
(ZIMB) I think that it is very selfish for a person to say such. God wants both partners to have pleasure during sex and forcing a person gives no pleasure at all. My husband used to reason like you so I started giving him all the time even though I didn’t want to. I just forced myself after a while. He started noticing that I was emotionally detached to him; he was the only one enjoying the sex. Only then did he begin to understand what God meant when he said live with your wife in an understanding way.
(ZA) Hi Sweety, The reason why one spouse would not enjoy sex would be because their heart is not set right. Notice that Paul’s letter is trying to avoid fornication and Satan from entering marriage. Now if the spouse that is “defrauding” the other does not get this right, won’t this leave the other vulnerable to the devils’s ways?
God’s commandments are not to be obeyed when we feel like obeying… and we are not to obey because we have to, we need to set our hearts to them and do it in a good heart. Otherwise we would be like the Pharisees that make a checklist of things to do and not to do. Paul also says in the letter to the Romans that we should be convinced in what we do.
If I love my wife I will in “Due Benevolence” not to force her into it… and even herself in “Due Benevolence” if she loves me, she will remember not to challenge marriage boundaries for the devil to invade.
This topic becomes heavy for the one whose heart is not set right because they look at it with that heart, just like a sinner looking at the commandments of God. They think of them as a burden. But if you ask Jesus to help you through… He promised to be here. And believe me, He will definitely be here for the sake of marriage. It is one of the most sacred institutions He ever created.
Tibza, I agree with most everything you wrote. But as your Christian sister, I want to caution you to be careful of giving the blanket statement that the reason a spouse doesn’t enjoy sex is because their heart is not set right. You could be misjudging what’s going on “when a wife doesn’t want to make love.” Yes, that very well could be a reason. But there could be other reasons why they don’t enjoy making love, such as painful past abuses, current abuses, physical pain which occurs, the other spouse doesn’t take care of himself hygienically (such as brushing teeth, showering, and such –so he smells), lower testosterone levels, depression, and other reasons. One of the many reasons very well COULD be that their “heart is not set right,” but maybe not. You want to be careful not to judge a person’s reasons behind why they may not enjoy something.
Now as to what to do about the problem behind the desire, THAT’S where one’s heart needs to be “set right” in order to follow God’s will, concerning expressing and responding to sexuality within marriage. Asking Jesus is vital.
(USA) Hi Mike. I find your letter very interesting as I have heard this before from women friends about their husbands. Maybe you would do better to check your emotional support for your wife before the sex stuff. Lots of women…if their emotional needs are not met…having sex is very difficult and causes much guilt. You talk about physical gratification..what do you think she is doing for you? She has to satisfy herself physically in order for you to be satified….maybe she would rather enjoy you..discover things with you…maybe that would be a privilege for her..and not an obligation as you say.
So many times a husband is very willing to hit all the right spots sexually…wants to be told what or how to do things…but let it be something that is not sexual…and he hears nothing. Don’t kid yourself…you may think you are all for making your wife feel good…..but you need to look in the mirror…and be honest.
Have you kept secrets from your wife? Are you there for her or do you watch tv or have other things going on keeping you apart…are you nice to her? Does she trust you or have a reason to NOT trust you? Do you pray together? Do you smile at her?? accept her?? love her?? so many things could be coming into play here. Hope this helps….
(USA) Spell it out for him! “If she [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly—and her anger sizzles.”
What many wives (not all) DON’T get is that the exact opposite of this is often occurring in their marriages. All my wife EVER seems to want is the talking, the romance, the cuddling, the helping around the house, the walks hand in hand… She states OFTEN how happy she is in our marriage. But she doesn’t see any importance in sex. “We can do that anytime.” She says. (which means almost never)
I feel very used myself. She doesn’t care enough about me to make sex a priority. See, she returns to me what she feels is important. I GET talking and romance and cuddling and making my meals in return. (I have NEVER once asked her to make me a meal. I ask for almost nothing) I get what SHE values back at me, but I don’t get sex which is what I’m starving for. She KNOWs this but doesn’t comprehend it, doesn’t hear it, doesn’t act on it. So I have a friend. That’s great. But I needed and wanted a lover.
There was one weekend a few months ago, where we actually had sex and didn’t do much relational stuff. This has almost never happened in 18 years. She said she felt weird that it was kind of like Wham-bam-thank-you-mam! I didn’t say ANYTHING. I couldn’t believe it! It happened ONCE in 18 years and she complained. My entire marriage is the opposite of that! All relational and almost never sex! Yes of course I feel used. I feel EXACTLY the way the woman in the paragraph above describes. rewritten it would be,
“If he [a husband] feels undesired, he may believe the only interest his wife has in him is friendship. (lets just be friends!) “He comes home from work, they sit and chat about each others day. They have dinner together chatting together and with the kids. SHE suggests watching TV after the kids are asleep and can’t wait to watch episode after episode of her favorite shows on DVD. SHE is the one that pouts to be able to stay up watching TV almost always wanting an backrub and a footrub nightly. If he suggests that after two episodes of her favorite show, they go to bed and make love, she says she’s too tired. If he mentions how long its been since they’ve had sex, her anger sizzles.”
(USA) Some people have an inability to “own their own mess”. Any attempts to do so results in deflection or you make them very angry. This is a case in point, you are doing what you are supposed to, but your needs are not that important because they are “your needs”… Some people have done this dance for over 10 years, I guess. How long would you like to wait? Can the wife rationalize that her needs ARE being met, she should meet some of the husbands needs – that she may not necessarily “feel”?
(UNITED STATES) Do you think she’d be interested in reading that famous book about Five Love Languages? It might help her understand if the subject were approached from a different angle. Not sure whether that specific book is the best for that, but I’m thinking in general that if relationships are all she understands, she may need to hear everything translated in terms of relationships before she can process it. The Heart of the 5 Love Languages
(CANADA) It sounds like TV is an insidious part of the problem that people often consider a harmless distraction, when in fact, I am convinced that it is a very real part of the marital ill, the problem, especially where women and their libido towards their husbands are concerned. I could postulate a book’s worth on this subject (in this untimely comment).
But let it suffice that there is a seduction whose nature is idealistic, when women watch television, quite often a character on screen has just enough of the right stuff and none of the wrong for it to be an appealing escape that beats reality. I think some aspect of fantasy is able to captivate and operate on the woman’s brain, biochemically, which can be very detrimental to her reality. Similar to never getting to date the college crush and find out what he might have been like, the image of his supposed perfection paired with the physical attraction, unspoiled, creates a breeding ground for discontent with real life.
(USA) I feel your pain brother. I have the same situation with my wife. It seems like men are expected to bend over backwards for their wife to make them happy. But like Cris Rock said it once,”women are never happy. You work too much, they complain, you work to little, they complain, no sex, they complain, too much they complain.” Though his was a joke, it’s not too far from reality. Women need to start putting in effort to make things a little interesting.
For example, the other day, I had planned this romantic candle-light dinner on the roof of our home under the stars. I had planned it for weeks, and when I told her about the plan that night, she said, “it’s too cold, lets stay inside”. Did I get laid that night? You guessed it. NO. Its been months since we’ve had sex and we’ve only been married for about 3 years.
Our honeymoon was the worse ever. She was faking orgasms and was just avoiding sex all together. I’m not a jerk. I treat her great. I support her in her goals and dreams, and she barely even asks how my day goes. I’m starting to look for other options to feel valued. Other options include a hot dentist down the road that actually flirted with me once and I felt I was a man again. Not trying to make excuses but I’m getting sick of this.
(USA) C, from Feb 8, 2012, and Landschooner: I’m on your wife’s boat a lot. I AM that woman who wants the cuddling, the dates, the massages, etc. but when he wants sex in return, I am about as stupid as stupid gets. He says to just relax and think about what I would want sexually. Um, when I want sexual turn on, I think of my pre-marital days of rubbing one off to get it out of my system and go on with my day. Do I get sexual urges for my husband? Yup, strong ones. Are they in response to the massages, cuddling, dates, help around the house??? Well, before I was getting all of that surf I thought that stuff would put me in the mood. A good year into his full on efforts of meeting those needs and desires and I realize I love him like crazy for them and respect him completely for them but they’ve done ABSOLUTELY nothing to increase the chemical libido in me.
I’m beginning, instead, to resent the tit-for-tat mentality of owing him sex in exchange for all of his efforts. Wrong on me, yes, but I feel like a whore. I feel like he does all of those things not because he loves me but because they are payment for sex. Again, wrong on my part and as I realize what’s chewing into me and creating raw wounds, I’m researching to try to figure out what happened over the years.
Then Jan’s comment comes to mind. We are married 20 yrs now. I used to initiate sex with him 7-10 times a day. He told me to back off and stop being a nympho. I backed of… a whole lot too much. He turned me on a LOT for years, now wonders why I don’t respond to his efforts. He watches tv too much for me to bother trying. If I initiate first thing outta bed, he’s too busy and is getting ready for the gym 5 days a week. Lately, he only wants me when he’s ready but I have to wait.
To add, we sleep in separate twin beds nice a relocation across country. He’s made no interest in getting a bed for us to sleep together for comfort reasons but it feels like it’s also to keep me off him until HE’s in he mood. When asked this, he’ll deny it all and say it’s just me.
The other day, he pulled it out and asked if I’d play later. I agreed. But when I get started he takes over in trying to please me alone and when I lay hands on ANY part of him, he swats them away. I’m not even allowed to touch him. But then when I’m not interested, he gets mad. Touching and rubbing on him is one of the only things that really gets me going if I came to the table uninterested. And I get very bored if I can’t do that during sex. But he says my touching, tickling and rubbing relaxes him too much. So, sex, to me, makes me out to be. Whore and a limp log…really boring.
Deborah, That is what I felt as one of the most honest convictions posted on this blog.
(SOUTH AFRICA) On that note Daddy L, she has to care for your needs as she would need you to care for her needs too. In marriage there should be understanding and harmony. I know it’s very frustrating for a man not to get sex from his wife when he desires it. She has to understand you stand point in order to cater for you first. Enclosed below is an article that addresses the challenges you are facing within your marriage. I trust that this article will aid your marriage and make things work for the two of you.
Sex and Spirituality in Marriage (7:2-5)
2 But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Notice the three-fold parallel structure in verses 2-4 which stress the mutuality of sexual pleasure and sexual duty:
* Let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband (verse 2).
* Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband (verse 3).
* The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does (verse 4).
Paul does not stress the submission of the wife to her husband here, as though it is his role to get pleasure from his wife, and her role to give pleasure to her husband. There is mutual submission here,74 so that both the husband and the wife are to subordinate their interest (pleasure in sex) to the interest of their mate. Consider the guiding principles for what we might call “Spirit-filled marital sex.”
(1) The norm is that Christians will marry and that as a Christian couple, the husband and wife will enjoy regular sexual relations. The ascetics are absolutely wrong in thinking and teaching that sex is unspiritual and thus inappropriate even within the bonds of matrimony. Consistently abstaining from sex in marriage is not only unnatural, it is unholy.
(2) A healthy sex life is a preventative for immorality. A healthy and pleasurable sex life between a husband and wife is a normal and natural release of sexual tension, and thus it is helpful in the prevention of sexual immorality. Good sex in marriage is not a guarantee that there will be marital fidelity. If one mate is unfaithful to the other, it does not necessarily mean that the offended spouse has failed to satisfy the other. David certainly had enough wives to satisfy his sexual appetites, but he committed adultery anyway. The lusting eye is never satisfied. Nevertheless, Paul speaks of sexual relations in marriage as a preventative for sexual immorality outside of marriage: “Because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.” The ascetics are wrong. To abstain from marital sex proves to be a temptation; to enjoy marital sex promotes edification.
(3) Both husband and wife should eagerly engage in the sexual act as their duty, both to God and to their mate. It is not just the wife who is commanded to give herself to her husband; the husband is likewise commanded to give himself to his wife. In fact, the husband is first commanded to give himself to his wife, and then the wife to her husband (see verse 3).
(4) Both husband and wife should not only give themselves for sex, but each should seek to produce the ultimate pleasure for their partner. Reaching the ultimate pleasure in the sexual union is what best insures against immorality. Frustratingly unfulfilling sex to one partner or the other will also tempt one to be immoral. The “use me” mindset in sexual intimacy falls far short of the mark which Paul sets for us here. The duty of the husband is to satisfy his wife sexually, just as the duty of the wife is to satisfy her husband. This is the best one can do to stay sexually pure and to encourage one’s mate to do likewise.
(5) Neither the husband nor the wife has the authority to deprive 75 their mate sexually. If I have not said it clearly enough, I will say it bluntly here: it is wrong to deprive one’s mate of the pleasures of sexual intimacy. There is nothing spiritual about avoiding sex. I think I should also say that there is nothing particularly spiritual about demanding sex either.
(6) Those Christians who have been forcibly making a celibate of their mate by withholding sex are commanded to stop sinning in this fashion. Paul’s command to “stop depriving one another” in verse 5 strongly implies that a number of Corinthian Christians are already withholding sex from their mates. Paul tells us that withholding sex from your mate is sin, a sin which must be repented of, and a sin which we must correct by obeying our Lord’s command through Paul. Paul spoke of the benefits of staying single by concession, rather than by command. But the instruction to husbands and wives to sexually fulfill each other is a command, not a wish or a suggestion. To refuse to change in this area is to willfully disobey one of God’s commands.
(7) Sexual abstinence is to be a rare and temporary exception to the norm of regular sexual union. There are obviously times when normal sexual relations are temporarily interrupted. In the Old Testament, a man was not to have sex with his wife during her monthly period (see Leviticus 15:19, 24; 18:19). Here, Paul speaks of the temporary interruption of a couple’s marital sex life to facilitate prayer. The reason should be obvious, especially for parents with children in the home. Bedtime seems to be the only “private” time two parents have. This means that besides sleep, closing the bedroom door affords the opportunity to enjoy sexual intimacy; it also affords the opportunity for prayer. Frankly, it is difficult to have both prayer and sex on the same agenda, especially if the prayer is urgent and extended. For a bachelor, Paul seems to understand married life very well.76
Paul sets down some very stringent requirements regarding the cessation of normal sexual relations in marriage. First, the decision to abstain from sex must be mutually reached by the husband and the wife. There must not be a unilateral decision made by one spouse. Second, a cessation of normal sexual relations should only take place for matters of great urgency. I understand Paul’s words in verse 5 to refer to specific, urgent matters of prayer, and not normal prayers. The King James Version may well be the original text, and it includes fasting with prayer.
Third, normal sexual relations should be resumed quickly, so that Satan may not take advantage of their lack of self-control. This statement should have really irritated the Corinthian ascetics, who thought of their sexual abstinence as the epitome of self-control. Not according to Paul! Sexual abstinence did not strengthen these saints in their battle with the flesh and with Satan; it weakened them, and it made them vulnerable.
Unfortunately, I have known of situations in which “prayer” was the excuse of one mate for avoiding sex with the other. Who can be more pious than one who gives up sex for prayer? And who can be so unspiritual as to criticize anyone for neglecting their sex life to enhance their prayer life? It is the ultimate spiritual “lion in the road” (to use an expression from the Book of Proverbs). A “lion in the road” is a compelling reason (excuse) for avoiding what one really doesn’t want to do. If the truth were known, a healthy sexual relationship between a man and his wife may facilitate a richer prayer life. I say this on the basis of Peter’s words in 1 Peter 3:7 “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Surely “living with one’s wife in an understanding way” includes the sexual relationship. A sexually frustrated and irritated mate is not a good prayer partner.
Conclusion: The church at Corinth did not write to Paul about divisions and factions, about false wisdom or pride, about leaders who looked down on Paul and his gospel. They wrote to Paul about sex, and specifically, about abstaining from sex. They do not want advice from Paul on their sex lives; they only want his endorsement. But if they had wanted advice on matters of sex, do you think they would have expected wise counsel from Paul? How can a man who is both a bachelor and a preacher teach these “worldly wise” folks anything about sex? They must believe they know it all. They may have been the Dr. Ruth’s of their day. But, wonder of wonders, God chose to give the finest sex education available, the best counsel on sex in marriage, through Paul. Once again, the wisdom of God is vastly other than the wisdom of men!
I wish I could have seen the looks on the faces of the Corinthian ascetics as they heard Paul’s response to what they have written. These folks must be so puffed up with pride at their self-control and victory over fleshly desires. While they differ with Paul in many matters, surely they think Paul will applaud them for maintaining that sex is dirty and should be avoided, even in marriage. They do not want Paul’s advice or instruction, only his endorsement. What they receive is something entirely different. Paul agrees that abstaining from sex can be beneficial, but only in the most restricted applications. Instead of applauding them for abstaining from sex in marriage, Paul instructs them to engage in sex with their spouses as a duty. This must not be done with gritted teeth, and the goal of each mate should be to satisfy the other.
The Corinthian ascetics think that spirituality is antithetical to the enjoyment of sex within marriage. Paul wants his readers (which includes us) to understand that spirituality encompasses every aspect of one’s life, including sex. If you are married, have you ever thought of whether your sex life is Spirit-filled or not? You should. Paul is teaching husbands and wives that servanthood is the fundamental ingredient to satisfying sexual intimacy in marriage. How many times have you read these words penned by Paul in his Epistle to the Philippians:
1 If therefore there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:1-8).
How often have you considered Paul’s teaching here as governing your sexual relationship with your spouse? If marriage is a reflection of the union Christ has with His church, then how would we think the physical union of a man and his wife is not of great importance to God? True, this is a “private” matter, between man and wife, but why would we think the angels would not be watching and learning (see 1 Corinthians 11:10)? Sex is not “dirty”; it is a gift of God, which is to be enjoyed in the confines of marriage and to portray the most precious “union” of all, the union of God and His church.
God has uniquely fashioned the man and the woman so that they are very different. I do not mean different in the biological sense, but different in their makeup. Husbands tend to respond very quickly; wives are not as quickly stimulated and not by the same kinds of things. I have heard it said by some that men and women are mismatched, sexually speaking. And so they are, by divine design. Sex cannot be mutually satisfying without real love. In this sense, biblical sex is “making love.” And love is manifested in sacrifice. Only as both the husband and the wife sacrifice their own interests (sexually speaking) is the other satisfied. Sacrificial servanthood is the key to Spirit-filled sex.
I want to be very clear here that we are not just talking about some kind of technique, which, if followed, brings maximum pleasure to the one who employs it. The husband should be sensitively attuned to his wife, seeking to bring her fulfillment. But this is not just because it is the way he will find his own fulfillment. Love-making in marriage seeks to bring pleasure to one’s spouse at one’s own expense. There is a lot of talk about “maximum sex,” but sex should never be approached selfishly as the means to the ultimate goal of self-satisfaction. “Taking up one’s cross” applies in the board room and in the bedroom.
In his Epistle to the Thessalonians, Paul specifically deals with sex as a part of the believer’s sanctification: 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, 5 not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. 8 Consequently, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8).
Sanctification includes the avoidance of sexual immorality (verse 3). It also involves the Christian relating to his or her spouse sexually in a way that is distinctly Christian and not pagan (verses 4-5). It is clear that we may sin in the matter of sex, and that God is the avenger in such cases (verse 7). God has not called us to impurity but to holiness, and this holiness will be evident in the way we sexually relate to our spouse (verse 7). To reject Paul’s “sex education” is to reject the Spirit of God (verse 8).
I am not amazed that the unbelieving world, sex-crazed and self-crazed as it is, finds frustration more than fulfillment in the bedroom. I am deeply distressed that many Christians are living defeated lives in relation to sex. Some are simply not having sex, usually due to the disobedience of one of the two partners, and sometimes due to the apathy of both. Some are engaging in illicit sex, either by means of pornography or illicit sexual unions outside of marriage. Others find sexual stimulation in the workplace by telling off-color stories and by suggestive dress and talk. The newest temptation is “cyber sex,” illicit sex by means of the computer. I don’t think I will tell you all of the ways this can be done. Hopefully, I do not know them. Here is a definite area of danger, and I hope that you can see that it is totally self-serving.
Paul’s teaching in verses 1-7 present us with two apparent problems. First, Paul speaks of marriage and sex as a preventative to immorality: “But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (verse 2). These words seem to suggest that Paul views sex and marriage in a less than noble way. Is sex only a preventative and not a pleasure for the Christian? Paul’s second statement raises similar questions: “Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (verse 3). Is sex only a duty and not a delight?
I would say first that in our fallen world and culture, sex is viewed primarily in terms of selfish pleasure. Sex, apart from biblical servanthood, is self-centered pleasure seeking. I would like you to consider sex in the light of the “great commandment” of the Bible:
34 But when the Pharisees heard that He had put the Sadducees to silence, they gathered themselves together. 35 And one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, 36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 22:34-40).
The whole Law can be summed up by two commandments: (1) love God with all of one’s being, and (2) love your neighbor.
How does one love God? Peter tells us how we are to conduct ourselves in relation to God: 14 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, 15 but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 16 because it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” 17 And if you address as Father the One who impartially judges according to each man’s work, conduct yourselves in fear during the time of your stay upon earth; 18 knowing that you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your futile way of life inherited from your forefathers (1 Peter 1:14-18).
Loving God requires being holy. Being holy means not being conformed to those lusts which once dominated us as unbelievers. Immorality is one of the sins which characterizes the Corinthians (see 1 Corinthians 6:9-11). Thus, the Christian should fervently desire to avoid immorality. And so when Paul speaks of marriage and sex as a preventative for immoralities, why should we think Paul is taking sex lightly? Righteousness is the higher goal, and marriage (and sex) are a means to this goal. Paul does not think little of sex; he thinks more highly of righteousness. Isn’t being godly a higher goal than being sexually fulfilled? The problem is not with Paul; it is with us. We value sex more highly than pleasing God.
The second dimension of the great commandment is that we should love our neighbor as our self. How does this relate to the subject of sex within marriage? Our wife (or our husband) is our neighbor. We are to love our spouse as we love our self (see also Ephesians 5:28-32). To do so, we must put the (sexual) interests of our mate above our own. Living by the law of love makes it my duty to sexually fulfill my spouse. Is my duty demeaning, something for which I should apologize? It is my duty to keep the commandments of my Lord. Is this demeaning? Not at all! The goal for which I should strive is to see my duty as my delight. This is the way David and other godly men approached God’s law (see Psalm 40:6-8; see also 119:9-16, 24, 137-144).
I would like to suggest to you that sex is similar to worship. Indeed, in the pagan cultures (such as with the Canaanites in the Old Testament and the Corinthians in the New) sex was a part of worship (see also Exodus 32:1-6 and 1 Corinthians 10:6-8). And no wonder, for making sex a part of worship assured the “worshippers” of instant satisfaction.
I fear that we approach worship in a way that is all too similar to the way many approach sex. Some, who feel like worship does not satisfy or fulfill them, are inclined to avoid it. We evaluate worship more in terms of what we have gained than in what we have given. I would remind you that the operative term when it comes to worship is sacrifice, not fulfillment. I would further say that worship (like sex) is not so much about seeking pleasure for ourselves as it is about giving pleasure to God.
Sexuality and spirituality are very closely related. Paul calls for each of us who knows God through Jesus Christ to elevate our sexuality to the standard God has set, to make sexuality an expression of our spirituality to the glory of God, and ultimately for our good.
All the blessings of God be with you. Stay Blessed. Mask
(USA) Thank you, I would like to share this with my wife. It really opened my eyes so maybe it can help her understand a little what I see and feel when she doesn’t want to make love to me. But loved that you used scripture; thank you.
(USA) I’m never in the mood for sex, wife and I hadn’t have sex in 25 years, and I don’t intend to start now. I have ED along with medical issues for which I take meds. These med killed the libido, or what little libido I had. I’m not the intimate type, cuddling, holding hands, kissing just gives me the creeps. So my wife can be in her flannels and read her books, I just turn over and go to sleep. Amen and good night.
(USA) Hey Nat, If it works for BOTH of you, that’s not a problem. But if one of you is unhappy because of the lack of affection shown and/or the lack of sexual closeness, THEN there is a problem as 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 points out. When you marry, you are partners and if one of the partners is unhappy then BOTH partners need to find a way to bridge the problem to come to some kind of mutuality. Again, if both of you think this is a fine arrangement, then why change it?
Well I really don’t care what 1 Corinthians 7 says. I’m not a partner except on the house title, the car titles, and unfortunately, the marriage license. I recently moved to my new garage to get away from my so called partner. Now it’s great, with no dinners, sleeping, looking, or listening to complaining. I no longer have any interest in her or what is going on in the world. If the world ends tomorrow, so be it!!! My life is good and perfect.
If your life is “good and perfect” I’m glad not to have such perfection in my life. A good marriage may take work, but it’s worth the effort. It also teaches you how to give to another on a whole different level, which has its rewards in other ways too –learning how to be more compassionate, caring, loving, and giving. We need more people in this world that have those qualities.
And if you don’t care what we’re told in the Bible about the way we are to treat each other in marriage, I’m afraid for your future. It’s easy to say “so be it” but when the consequences go on for eternity –eternity is a long, long, long, long time …forever, as a matter of fact. I pray God brings you to a place where you change your mind. You AND others will benefit from this in many ways.
Ya know you might be right the eternity thing is a long time, but I think I’ll take my chances. Being by myself without wife or any other women around sounds like a winner. If the wife left tomorrow it would be great with me, but I know we need places to live so she chooses to have a place that’s dry and warm at night. And she can stay as long as she wants. I’m in my apartment in the loft of my garage, it’s quiet and I know no one will bother me.
Except maybe, the Lord.
(USA) My husband has been struggling with a drug addiction for a long time and this has taken a toll on our marriage. He has done so many hurtful things to me. When he is doing well and not getting high, he expects that I should give him sex non-stop. He is often unpleasant and unkind to me but thinks he is the greatest. I don’t have a right to be tired and fall asleep without making love to him. We have 4 children and I’m often worn out by the end of the day from doing everything myself!
In fact, he got angry tonight and walked out of the house because I was sleeping. I’m so turned off by him and his behavior turns me off more and more. He claims that he is a Christian and will do Bible studies all evening but then turns around to be so mean!
(KENYA) I am a mother of a seven month baby. Before I gave birth our sex life was so good. But things now have changed. I have reduced desire for sex and even though I have a very loving and considerate husband, I feel I need to do something in order to get our sex life to the point it was before our baby came. Has any mom ever gone through this? I need some good advice.
(USA) I too have a 7 month old baby, but I started loosing my sex drive way before I even got pregnant. I’m 21 and my husband is 27. He’s the man of my dreams and everything I want and need. I don’t see him too often anymore because he works about 80 hours a week. Not bcuz he has to, but bcuz he loves his job. But I noticed something… When I somehow make him upset or bored on his day off, he says he wishes he was at work. So now I’m starting to think he uses work to avoid the baby and I.
I know he’s sexually frustrated and I’ve been trying to work on our sex life, but it’s hard for me bcuz I don’t really desire sex. I feel like it’s a chore and not something that is pleasurable. I’m also on a birth control that lowers libido. I take it bcuz we have a child and one is enough for us. It also regulates my awful menstration cycle.
I was off of it for about 9 months before I got pregnant, so I don’t know why I didn’t have a sex drive then. My husband also worked less and we did more things together. Now we only have sex about once a week, and usually bcuz I feel bad and give into his needs. I don’t know what happened to me over the course of 2 years bcuz we used to have great, passionate sex daily. I miss him a lot. I feel like the only time he gets affectionate is when I give into him.
It hurts my feelings after sex sometimes when he won’t cuddle or he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I find myself saying I love you to the back of his head and he replies with snoring. It breaks my heart. I don’t desire sex bcuz I imagine what will happen afterwards. He doesn’t always do it, and I understand he’s tired, but would it kill him to make more time for me?! Especially considering he doesn’t need to work so much…
I suppose I suffer from a broken heart. I’m lonely and afraid he might turn down my affection unless I’m engaging in sex, which isn’t likely. I need to be loved. I believe that more love, attention, and non-sexual affection will re-ignite my sex drive. I’m currently working on our relationship and I have high hopes for recreating a desire for sex. I believe patience and persistence and more conversations about it will save our sex lives before it’s too late. He’s all I desire, so I can see libido returning and I will continue to pray that everything will turn out fine bcuz I have faith.
(USA) Religion is just a way to make up excuses for problems that you have and a way to feel better when someone has or is dying.
Women cheat on their husbands have sex with random men all the time. So don’t give me this women want more from their husbands and their body is being invated when they have sex. If that is the case then why would women sleep around? It is all bs. Women use sex more than men to get want they want and once they have it they are done.
99% of women and 100% of men will have sex for money. My mother in law is one of the largest hypocrites you will ever meet. Church twice a week and cheated on both of her husbands and claims they weren’t religious enough. However, she will sleep with a man that wines and dines her and no church involved. Of course she will try to get him to change down the road after giving herself to him. So again stop, the religion bs and have sex.
(UNITED STATES) I’m sorry about your mother in law, but where the heck are you getting your statistics from?! o_0
(USA) I am a wife. I’ve been married for 3 years and a half… I am kind of sad because I haven’t had good sex with my husband almost 3 years. Every time I ask him for that, he always refuses and it really hurts my feelings. Sometimes we don’t have sex at all, like a year or so. Please, I need good advice.
(USA) Khloe, I’ve been married for 30 years and most of those years I had the same problem. I guess I just really didn’t know it or accept it. I call it ‘sex without love.’ I finally came to my senses and told my husband how miserable I was; he claimed he didn’t understand. And he didn’t want to discuss it (I guess).
So gradually I learned to “be content in whatever situation I’m in.” So I now we have a no-sex-without-loving rule. The sex is even scarcer than before. But when it is, it’s better. Maybe I waited too long. Talk ‘quitely’ with the young man now. God bless your marriage. And may all the joys of married life be yours.
(BIG) If you’re married, just have sex – the desire will follow.
(USA) Reading this, “In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, for whatever reason, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he—not she—is sinning, when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.”
The opposite is also true, “In God’s ideal picture of a marriage, if a husband desired sex, for whatever reason, the wife would honor and respect his feelings as if it were herself who was in the mood. If a wife doesn’t love her husband this way, she –not he –is sinning when she expects her husband to perpetually fore-go intercourse without regard to his feelings.” The article did not come out and say it, but both have to be true or both are false.
You can fore-go intercourse if you are both in agreement and both agree to return to it at a certain time. But to just say no, without a plan, to get to yes, is indeed sin.
(USA) I can’t help but feel that somehow arguments pulled from scriptures are flawed in some fashion. Paraphrasing the above it seems to create a paradox. So imagine this according to scripture and a given scenario
a. the woman has zero interest in sex (the premise for this scenario)
b. the man should have the same interests in sex as his wife
c. therefore the man should have zero interests in sex
d. the woman should have the same interests as the man in sex
e. since the man has zero interests and the woman has zero interests the argument for mutual interests is satisfied.
f. man’s failure to comply with item b makes him immediately a candidate for the recycle bin
It seems that popular interpretation of the scripture, not the one I gave above, voids boundaries of self or encourges collusion to void the interests of the self, i.e. how can you be fustrated or unhappy if you voided your own interests or erased your own boundaries.
Furthermore, collusions like this will only work less than 25% of the time as it requires you both to be in the mood at exactly the same time, assuming that each has 50% chance of being in the mood. It would be like having two clocks and trying to have them in sync all the time without any physical connections or wires going from one to the other. Virtual connections or pieces of paper won’t work because there is no physical barrier to prevent them from going out of sync with each other.
You would almost have to marry someone who was exactly like you for this collusion to work with any certainty, sexually speaking. Lack of an outside authority, i.e. removal of choice from both, causes the lack of synchonoticity.
(SA) I think I really need to stress something important which I feel all maLes should know: As much as men threaten that if they don’t get sex at home they will go out and find it elsewhere; please also be aware that if you just want to have sex with your lady and not care about her emotions, she can also go out and find a man who understands her and knows how to turn her on and give her great pleasure.