When you don’t want to have sex with your husband, what do you do? Maybe you can relate to the wife’s thoughts expressed below.
“I have already gotten settled in bed, wearing my flannel nightgown and reading my book. Now that you’re in the mood, I’m not sure I want to go to all the trouble…” (This is a paraphrase of Song of Songs 5:3,6)
Sometimes the well-worn excuse, “I’ve got a headache, honey,” is actually true. Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’re angry or disappointed. And it’s equally difficult to desire your husband sexually if you’re not attracted to him.
When You Don’t Want Sex
Many women in difficult marriages lack a desire for sexual intimacy with their mates. And you don’t have to look far to understand why, at least in part. We’re all aware that women are wired differently than men when it comes to sex. While men often times are aroused by physical and visual stimuli, women usually need to feel affection and trust in order to be responsive to a man’s sexual advances. When a wife receives her husband during intercourse, she is, in a sense, allowing herself to be invaded by him —not just physically, but on emotional and spiritual levels, as well.
Feelings Make a Difference When You Don’t Want Sex
Wives who feel loved and secure can welcome this invasion as an opportunity to experience intense intimacy and pleasure with their husbands. But wives who lack sexual desire or who feel animosity toward their husbands often experience sex as a violation rather than as loving communion.
Many women in difficult marriages find sex undesirable. So, if you have problems in this area, know that you’re in good company. Also know that you can take steps to have a more satisfying and healthy sexual relationship.
You may be surprised to learn that Scripture can shed some insight into why [wives] may be feeling resistant or resentful when it comes to lovemaking. In a well-known but often misrepresented passage about marriage, Paul writes:
‘The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.‘ (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
What These Verses Do and Don’t Mean
These verses have been used to browbeat wives into feeling guilty when they don’t want sex or avoid it. But notice that Paul doesn’t say a wife’s body belongs only to her spouse. It says it belongs also to her spouse. As ‘one flesh,’ a wife shares her body with her husband. Bible commentaries also point out that when Paul says we ‘belong’ to one another, he’s not just emphasizing our ownership rights over one another. He’s also clarifying that our exclusive conjugal rights belong to each other —no outsiders allowed.
This passage does not teach that a wife (or a husband) should submit to sex whenever, wherever, and however our partner demands it. Rather, it teaches that since my husband’s body belongs to me I should care enough to give it pleasure whenever I possibly can. And he is to do likewise with my body. In the same way, my husband’s body belongs to me. I should also be understanding and generous when it’s not “in the mood.” And he is to do likewise with my body. The emphasis is on mutuality, not selfishness.
At first reading, this passage may also seem to teach that sex is a duty, a required act. But duty is better translated as sacred responsibility. Paul is advising couples to continue to have sex on a regular basis. That is because sex is at the heart of our sacred oneness. It helps to protect our fidelity. The intent of this duty isn’t that a wife complies with a husband’s selfish appetite for sex on demand or vice versa. The intent is for her to fulfill her sacred obligation to meet her husband’s sexual needs. It is to keep the marriage bed pure, and keep each other free of sexual temptation.
Another Passage
Let’s look at another passage. In Ephesians, husbands are told to love their wives “as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:28). “After all, no one ever hated his own body,” Paul writes, “but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (v.29). God describes a husband who loves his wife so much that he puts her needs as high on the chart as his own bodily needs! In regard to sex then, if a husband loves his wife this way, there’s no danger that he’ll mistreat her or take sexual advantage of her, because that would be like hating his own body.
In God’s ideal picture of marriage, if a wife wasn’t feeling up to sex, the husband would honor and respect her feelings as if it were himself who wasn’t in the mood. If a husband doesn’t love his wife this way, he —not she —is sinning when he expects his wife to be available for intercourse on demand and without regard to her feelings.
So now we see that God didn’t intend for a wife to be a slave to her husband’s sexual needs. However, on the other extreme —saying that a wife has no responsibility or can shirk her obligation to nurture a healthy, ongoing sexual relationship —is equally wrong and unbiblical. A wife who regularly refuses to have sex or is only willing to be intimate with her husband on her terms is also acting selfishly. If you consistently rebuff your husband’s sexual advances and resent intercourse, you need to take active, positive steps toward restoring consistent and mutually satisfying lovemaking to your marriage.
Suggestions When You Don’t Want Sex:
Here are some suggestions to start you on the path to discovery and change. For starters:
• Tell your husband that you want to improve your lovemaking.
Make sure he knows you’re actively pursuing positive changes. Assure him that you understand that you have a part in the sexual problems in your marriage. Be sure he knows that your goal is for both of you to be sexually satisfied.
• Take a “Time Out” from Sex.
Paul said not to deny each other except for a time of prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). The reason for a sexual hiatus isn’t to avoid sex. It’s to pray and take active steps to bring about change. It’s not to stop resentment from building. Additionally, it’s to bring healing so that resentment is no longer an issue. Talk about this with your husband. Tell him what you’re doing and why.
If he knows the goal isn’t less sex, but more and better sex, he’ll likely feel less threatened by a time out. He may also be more willing to see a counselor together, read books together, or explore the problem. If he gets angry or refuses to respect your wishes, talk with a counselor. You need to gain wisdom and support for what you can do.
• Educate yourself.
There’s not enough room here to address the myriad of emotional and physical aspects of sexual dysfunction. There are plenty of good books available, however. One or both of you may have grown up with ideas or teachings about sex that are inhibiting you now. Some good Christian books include:
• Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner
• Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat.
Additionally:
• Check Your History.
Could it be that past sexual relationships are interfering in your present one? Were you involved in sexual activities earlier in life that you left feeling resentful and used? If you have a history of any kind of abuse, chances are great that you need healing from these hurtful experiences before you will begin to have a healthy attitude about lovemaking. Since this is a complex issue, you should seek help form a professional as soon as possible.
• Rule Out Physical Problems.
Sometimes physical problems, such as hormone imbalances, inhibit a woman’s desire for sex. If your troubles have more to do with a lack of physical responsiveness than with emotional resistance, see a physician who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Explore the possible causes and solutions. You should also visit your doctor if you don’t experience orgasms, or if you lack lubrication. Also visit a doctor if you find intercourse painful, or if you are on medications that might be interfering with your sexual drive.
• Experiment with Being the Initiator.
In most cases where a wife is reluctant to have sex, the husband is the designated initiator. This can lead to an unhelpful pattern in which the problem only gets worse. Authors Clifford and Joyce Penner point out:
Because the wife doesn’t show her interest in being together sexually, the husband begins to believe she has no interest in him sexually. His insecurity is triggered by her apparent lack of interest. So he anxiously begins to initiate sex more often than he would want it if he were feeling sure of himself in relation to her. She feels pressured by his initiation. So she begins to avoid him or pull away sexually. The more he approaches, the more consistent is her avoidance. The more frequent her avoidance, the more anxious is his approach. It becomes a negative spiral.
Talk with your husband about waiting for sex until you approach him. Many men, once assured that sex will take place, aren’t put off by waiting for the wives to signal their readiness. If you are the initiator it may remove some of the feelings of pressure and duty you experience. Instead, it becomes something you are giving, versus something he is always approaching you to take.
• Spell It Out for Him!
“If [a wife] feels uncared for, she may believe the only interest her husband has in her is sex,” write the Penners. “He comes home from work, turns on the television, sits quietly at dinner, and watches television after dinner. Then at bedtime he becomes friendly. That causes her anger to sizzle.”
Sound familiar? Tell your husband exactly what it takes to please you in bed. Let him know what makes you feel happy to be invited there. You’d be amazed how many men don’t realize that a wife needs to be courted during the day. She needs more interaction than giving it only five minutes before lovemaking. And chances are, it probably doesn’t take that much.
It could be as simple as a midday phone call, kisses on the way out the door, a long hug when he gets home. Be specific about what you’d enjoy. List for him several small things he could do to help you be in the mood more often.
• Consider Sexual Therapy If You Continually Don’t Want Sex.
For some couples, the road to a healthy sex life may require outside help. Often sexual therapy involves literally starting all over again with a clean slate. Couples typically follow a program that begin with nonsexual touching. Over the course of weeks, homework assignments build back up to intercourse. (Restoring the Pleasure contains a step-by-step program.)
If your husband is unwilling to see a counselor with you, consider seeking help alone. You’d be surprised how much progress you can make this way. A therapist may not only be able to help you deal with your own issues pertaining to sex, but may also help you find non-threatening ways to talk about them with your husband.
• Be Honest About Turnoffs
It’s important to find a way to let your husband know what dampens your mood. For years, Catherine’s husband Jason had no idea she was repelled by the smell of a prescription lotion. When she mentioned it, he was hurt that she’d never been honest before. Now he never applies his bedtime dose of lotion until he’s sure they won’t be making love.
If it’s something he can change, let your husband know that while you accept and love him as he is, you’d think he were sexier if he could deal with this particular problem. If it’s not something he can change, the problem then becomes yours. In truth, your sexual responsiveness, if all else is well, shouldn’t be dampened by baldness, graying, or wrinkled skin. If they trouble you, you need to deal with your own thought patterns and values. Do what you can to try not to let them detract from lovemaking.
Never Give Up
Making changes in your sex life won’t necessarily come easily. Some changes might not come at all. However, never give up or relegate sex to the old days. A healthy sex life is foundational to every marriage. The Penners put it this way:
“How important is sex in marriage? Here’s a simple answer. When sex is compared to an automobile, sex is to marriage what oil is to the combustion engine. At least a little oil necessary to keep the engine running —without sex, one’s marriage will eventually break down.”
Here is a prayer you can use as an outline:
Dear Lord,
Thank You for the gift of sex! I want to become more and more grateful for this miracle of oneness You created. Help me, I pray; to do everything in my power to make my love life with the husband. You gave me all that You would have it be. Restore our passion, revive our affections, and fill us with mercy and grace for one another. Amen.
This article came from the book, Lovers for Life: Strengthening and Preserving Your Marriage
— IN ADDITION, TO HELP YOU WITH THIS ISSUE —
Paul Byerly, from The-generous-husband.com web site gives insightful information for you to read:
• SEX FOR HER —When She Resists or Limits Sex
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I just want to feel like my wife loves me. Don’t spend money on me or make me a special dinner, or anything else, just give me yourself freely. You don’t think I get tired of going to the same job everyday?
She has much more freedom than I do, I am a slave to the dollar, but she can choose to do whatever she wants. I love my wife with all my heart, but the more she pushes me away the more I just want to give up. There is a fine line between love and hate, I honestly believe she hates me. She is so quick to be harsh with her tonque, and so quick to deny me any and all affection.
It is a two way street, and I want to fix our marriage, but she will not even dicuss it. In the Name of Jesus Christ, please help me. My heart hurts so bad.
(USA) I have been married for 2 miserable years. I should not have married my husband, but I realized it too late. We have been romantically separated for most of the two year marriage and have an 18 month old son. I sleep in another room with my son. My husband doesn’t understand that I don’t love him romantically. I now see him as a brother or friend. I don’t love him in a romantic way. We are more like roommates, which is obviously not cool with him. We are Christians. I would have separated from him long ago, but I remain because of my son. He hints at sex because he hasn’t got the point. I am not attracted to him. Don’t know what I should do.
(USA) Why did you get married? Why agree with the vows you made before God, him, your family, his family, your friends, his friends, and the Church? You promised to be with this man for better or for worse. He is a part of you and you are a part of him before God, so you should want to make it work. Your son deserves his mother and father to be together and to be loving with each other. Your husband deserves that, your son, and you as well.
I don’t understand why people can’t keep the vows that make before God and keep the honeymoon going. One old lady told me and my wife. Keep the honeymoon going because in the end your son is watching and he is learning even though you are together and you try to distance yourself. Your son is watching that as well and learning that that is ok to do. Marriage is not easy and sometimes you are hit with a lot of things, but that means you have to work hard to keep together. We will work our butts off for a job that may not care about us, but we cannot do the same thing for the person we married and said at one time I want to spend my life with you, I love you. Now look at us after so many years of marriage.
(USA) I have a question- or more like a quest; someWHERE in my ‘King James’ Bible I read “if a wife denies her husband (sexually?) causing him to commit harlotry out of physical need then she (the Wife) is also guilty of the sin of adultery. Can somebody please tell me where in the bible did I read this;or did I just dream it?
(USA) The word “also” is not in the NIV, New NIV, KJV,NKJV, ASV, or any other translation of the Bible. Don’t add what is not there.
(USA) I looked the scripture verse up in my New International Version Bible, and it includes the word “also” in it. I assume the author of this article’s Bible includes it, as well.
(USA) What scripture are we talking about?
(USA) I have read with some heart-break comments by women who suffer loss of interest in sex. I HAVE BEEN THERE!! I resolved to make a very purposeful effort to fulfil my husbands needs, particularly for sexual intimacy. It was very, very difficult for a few months but eventually, through a lot of prayer, talking, and reading good Christian sex blogs I found myself regaining the desire. It’s not always easy or instant, but compared to my recent past it’s almost like night and day! We’re both so much happier now and more intimate in non-sexual ways and it is so wonderful.
Visit these sites for more and PLEASE!!! make the effort and watch your marriage change for the good!
http://www.intimacyinmarriage.com
http://www.onefleshmarriage.com
http://www.stupendousmarriage.com
http://www.surrenderedmarriage.org
There are more linked to these sites and I know God will work in your marriages. OPEN YOUR HEARTS!!!
Thanks Pauline, You’re right, these are good web sites. I’ve recommended them at times, myself. Another one that’s good is http://www.themarriagebed.com. I hope these help. May God continue to add to the blessing you are now enjoying in your marriage.
(USA) I have no sexual desire for my husband. We have been married for almost 10 years. I started losing desire for him sexually during our first year of marriage and said something to him in attempts for him to help me. He did nothing to help me and only wants to blame me stating that I sexually deprive him and that I have a duty to have sex with him.
If I do, I am not in any way emotionally involved with him. I have never had an orgasm and it does not concern him at all. I have not been married before and trusted God for the right person to marry, which I thought at the time was him –but with all of this I think I must have “missed it”. I am tired of the arguing about his sexual needs not being met that he gives to me, as if it is the single most important issue in his life. He finds a way to continually bring it up as the cause of all of our problems.
I do not want to be sinning and find it hard to believe from some of the comments shared that my struggle is deliberately sinning. I am not in my heart trying to deprive my husband –I just do not want to be intimate with him sexually. I have tried to get him to talk about the issue between us that I assume are what are at the root of this lack of sexual desire on my part and he believes the only thing to fix this is by having sex.
I do not agree with that and therefore we continue to be divided on this and therefore continue to not have sex and he continues to blame me and argue with me about this. I want to want to have sex with my husband. He does not see this and the picture he paints verbally of me is that I deliberately plan ways to deprive him sexually. I am concerned that divorce is the only thing that will come of this.
(GH) Is interesting, my current wife actually forced me to have sex with her. Well, after that I liked it and any time I asked I was not denied. And since I had sworn that will not have sex with any woman, I was kind of forced to marry her. Alas, then the sexual problems started. Even our wedding night she did not want to have sex.
On our wedding anniversary, and special occasion she doesn’t even see why we she’d be intimate. She’s very emotionless. We can go for three weeks without making love. She will mostly give excuses and will give in as long as I remember we only make love at her convenience. She has had multiple sexual partners but she was the first one I made love to.
We have sought much counsel. It improves a little bit and the surfaces again. Now I’m not too sure of when I would be allowed or denied. She always seems to have something to say as to either I’m not asking right, but when I ask how I should ask, she won’t tell me. She may say she is tired. Even three days ago she said she had a boil, some times she will say the timing, but trust me she has denied in at dawn, morning, afternoon, night and midnight.
She mostly she sleeps naked and it is difficult for me to wake up in the middle of the night to see her naked. I try to make advances and there are times she even bites me. I must say that the days she agrees she does it well but at her convenience. I feel like a puppet now.
Sometimes I wonder if she is a woman, because she wants no kissing, no emotional attachments. Right after sex she just wakes up and wants no cuddling. Even when she is safe she wants me to use condoms because she feels the sight of the semen is nasty. During sex she decides the positions, many times I feel used.
(UNITED STATES) Women get married for security and or children, not sex. If men knew this upfront, we would be less inclined to get married. The mixed messages women give during dating and courting are deceptive. Most western women go out their way to exude sexuality in their dress and beavior to attract a man, but their true intentions is not sex at all. somebody needs to tell young folk what each is expecting in marriage beforehand. Their should be sex counseling before marriage.
(S CAMEROON) Thanks for this wonderful lesson. It is three years since I got married but my wife has not requested for sex at any one time. At times I begin to feel that she is not satisfied sexually or has the desire for sex but not for me. I even told her that it seems I am the only one doing this thing but she will laugh and claim to have been asking me for it. I now have a lot to learn and teach her.
(KENYA) This is very encouraging and uplifting. Now I have reasons to smile after learning this.
(USA) I love all this soft pedaling of excuses of why women won’t have sex with their husbands –sure, their marriage may be in a strange state. But, most of the time the wives get lazy in the relationship and refuse to meet the needs of their husbands.
The best marriages have a very, very happy husband in terms of sexual activity. The worst marriages have a very, very unhappy husband in terms of sexual activity.
So, who controls the sexual activity? That’s right …the wives. So, the wives control the quality of the relationship. The smart ones figure this out and are the envy of their females friends. The ones who want to make every excuse in the book and blame their husbands for the failure of the relationship, including the marraige counselors, are the ones who will never understand how to make a man happy.
(USA) They also have a happy wife in terms of whatever her top emotional need might be. That may be conversation, or family support, or you name it.
Again, it’s a joint effort. She meets his top needs enthusiastically, he meets her top needs enthusiastically and things will likely follow God’s plan for marriage.
Once either starts dismissing the others needs as too carnal or too banal, or however, then it’s downhill from there.
(USA) If your wife knows you adore her and you treat her respectfully she will want to have sex. If you treat her so respectfully and she doesn’t want to have sex I would wonder if she has a physical problem or she never cared for you.
But if your wife isn’t in the mood because she is sick and you are mad… grow up, that’s ridiculous. If your wife isn’t in the mood because you are fighting, repair that part of your marriage so sex make sense. Why would anyone want to have sex with someone who won’t take the time to figure out what’s going wrong in their lives?
(USA) Kelly, To your first statement, she MAY want to have sex with the man who adores her and treats her respectfully. Or she may just not want to have sex, and the problem isn’t with the husband.
If the wife isn’t in the mood because she’s sick, then care for her, but she also has to do everything in her power to heal herself. Again, not a one-way street. If she’s not in the mood because there is fighting, don’t just expect the man to fix it. It takes two to fight, so she has to work equally hard to fix whatever they are fighting about.
You are right, why would anyone want to have sex with a spouse, male or female that won’t take the time to figure out what’s going wrong in his or her life? It’s not just his life, it’s hers too. So as I said, this is a team issue, not a blame the man and expect him to find a solution issue.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution here. It’s not always the man’s fault, it’s not always the woman’s fault. But if both don’t commit to finding a common ground they can mutually agree upon and follow, then I believe they are doomed to failure.
Finding common ground strictly eliminates blaming one or the other. Blame does nothing to solve the problem. Enthusiastically looking for solutions that both can embrace is how you solve these sorts of issues.
So Kelly, I like your ideas. I simply wish you had suggested that both husbands and wives adopt them and not just writing this to husbands suggesting that if there are problems, or fights, or that any expectations that may be too high are a husband problem. They are marriage problems and must be resolved by action on the part of BOTH parties in the marriage.
(USA) My wife HATES sex and I have come to believe that all women do.
(UGANDA) It has been a pleasure for me to learn, God bless.
(UNITED STATES) It seems to me that everyone keeps talking in circles about the husband’s needs and the wife’s needs. The truth to it all is communication, married couples will never get anything resolved if they do not let the other person know how they feel. I have been reading a lot of this and it is helping, but, I have been married 20 years and I am just finding a lot of new and different things that I had not a clue about my wife. Many of these things I would have never have thought she felt if she didn’t tell me (communicate). I’m sure she would not have figured out many things about me if I didn’t let her know how I felt (communicate), because we are trying to communicate.
This make it easier to try and work things out in the bedroom, otherwise we would both continue to complain about how we are not meeting each others needs, so we have to coach each other through this until we get it right or figure this out and both of us are satisfied in the bedroom. This is what God wants. Anything else would lead to a distraction for both us men and women by the devil, using outside men and women when things are not right with the husband or wife at home and in the bedroom.
(CANADA) Hi Bev. Your words are wise. Communicating constantly and with love, sounds easy but it is not always. I am learning that it takes a very special kind of relationship that allows you to say difficult and potentially hurtful things to your spouse, in the name of saving your relationship (and or sex life). I am also learning though, that it is not always easy for people to articulate how something makes them feel. One needs to be very brave to tell someone you love that something they did hurts your feelings.
I am the kind of person who wants to do no harm to anyone in any way. But, I find myself sometimes saying hurtful things in order to keep the lines of communication open, and in order for him to really understand how otherwise harmless things he does make me feel. It’s not always easy. I hope I can keep it up. I love him so much.