Haunted by Premarital Sex

Woman wanting leader - Pixabay thinking-908345_1280They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But what if you are haunted by thoughts of your past? As someone (unknown) once said,

“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”

And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else? And how do you stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? Plus, how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?

When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness, but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.

As Brian and Heather Jamison said:

“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”

Brian and Heather have learned a lot that has helped them to deal with this issue. They share what they learned plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” in the linked article below. I encourage you to read:

• HAUNTED BY PREMARITAL SEX

“It’s true, you can’t get your virginity back. You’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before, and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”

The above statement came from Laurel L. Cornell. She knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before. You can also be stronger than you ever could imagine at this time.

She wrote an article that is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married. It is written to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget.

I encourage you to read:

PURE AGAIN

On this same issue, below you will find a link to an article written by Christie Mohamed. It’s posted on the Mars Hill web site. Christie is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they now regret. Plus, she gives insight into ways to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:

MY BIGGEST REGRET

I know this is a lot to take in, as far as all of the reading I’m recommending you do. But please know that this is a journey you are on. It’s one that is different for everyone who has had to deal with this issue. I’m hoping that as you read you will glean from each article some things that God is speaking to you. I pray that you will gain some “ah hah moments” where you’ll think, “I never thought of that before… that really helps.”

So, on this journey there is another article that Sheila Wray Gregoire wrote that I believe you will find helpful. She brings in some scriptures that you may not have thought of before and how they pertain to your situation. The important thing is that you don’t get stuck in continuing to do that, which you know is wrong. Also, don’t get stuck in regrets. They will paralyze you in ways that will cause you NOT to go backwards in your spiritual growth.

To learn a bit more on this please read:

A LETTER TO ALL WHO FEEL LIKE THEY LOST THEIR PURITY

For those of you who are not married, here is something written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley. It is posted on the Growthtrac.com web site and is something that would be helpful to read:

SEVEN STEPS TO REGAINING AND MAINTAINING VIRGINITY

This article is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

Print Post

Filed under: Sex Before Marriage Sexual Issues

Join the Discussion

Please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.

We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.

Comments

152 responses to “Haunted by Premarital Sex

  1. Please, I need advice because I am so confused of what do. I met my date about three years ago when I personally fasted and asked God for direction on whom to marry. I had a lot of confirmation that he is God’s will for me. I also had revelation that if I leave him I will regret the action. We made a commitment to keep ourselves holy and free from premarital sex but in the third year we had sex. We have cried, repented and asked God for forgiveness, which he had done and restore our peace and we are not doing this act again.

    The problem now is that we want to get married now but if we tell the church, they will put us on suspension for over a year and the marriage will be outrightly canceled. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, should I tell the church that we never had sex (because God has forgiven us and wiped away this sin) and get married to this man or should I tell the church that we had sex and lose this man seeing that he is God’s will for me. *note* the church rule is that you should let them know about our relations before even telling our parent or paying the dowry. Please treat as urgent.

  2. Hello and thank you for your ministry. I’m in my 30’s never married. I’ve struggled with sexual sins all my life. There have been periods of victory and abstinence, but no sustained and continued long term success. In my mid to late 20’s I went 5+ years without sexual relations and I kind of flattered myself thinking I was really super spiritual. Honestly, looking back I wasn’t being so spiritual; perhaps it was 15% spirtual, 50% being interested in keeping up a Godly appearance before others and 35% total fear of intimacy due to pain from prior relationships.

    For a time I was very religious but I drifted away from regular fellowship and ended up meeting a very kind, but unsaved woman with some pretty heavy duty baggage in her life. Honestly being in my 30’s and never married with a lot of sexual sin in my past I guess it’s fair to say I also have some heavy duty baggage. Long story short for the past couple of years I’ve been involved with this woman. While the flames of “romance” have very much died out, I now have this very protective and for lack of a better word brotherly sisterly love for her and I can’t bear to see her hurt or feeing rejected. Our sex life is all but extinct and we have pretty much evolved into a sort of codependent companionship. I help her with things and she helps me with things…BUT…

    Lately due to other life issues, I’ve begun to feel very convicted that this relationship must end, or at the very least change drastically. And probably due to all my emotions of love and affection that are attached to her, I’m probably not seeing it right and that’s what I’m looking for here. She is not a Christian but I have shared my faith a lot with her. Of course I’ve also shared in sin with her, so I’m a hypocrite. I feel very strongly that once and for all I must completely and totally turn away from my sin, but I’m struggling with how this will affect her, how it will damage her over view of Christian men, God etc. Basically I’m mourning the sin I so carelessly walked into, and of course I know I cannot erase the damage that we’ve both done to one another. I have confessed my sins to the Lord, and I feel a sense of forgiveness, fully grasping it will take a while I’m sure.

    I am committed to walking in my new forgiveness and shunning this sin completely. Luckily I have found over the past years that perhaps my desire is declining as in general I’m not as sex-obsessed as I was 10-15 years ago. I’m actually seeing women in a different light as well, admiring them more for their personality and traits than physical elements or clothing style etc. I’m perplexed and deeply saddened of how all of this will likely play out with my girlfriend when I bring this news to her in the next day or so. I’m sure she will be upset, feel rejected and unloved and feel that I’m tired of her and am leaving her for another girl, none of which are true. There is no other woman, and there never was.

    My desires are changing and I’m more hungry for mature non sexual relationships and being more honoring to not only Christian women but all women. I have been wrestling with how to explain my new commitment to her and not come off as being pious, self-righteous or condemning of her. I thought about asking her if she would visit a counselor with me where we could have a mediated dialog, but then I fear it would look like a cop out on my part.

    I know the Bible says to flee fornication, and in my heart I know I have. But now I am concerned about doing the Godly thing as far as my soon to be ex girlfriend is concerned. The thought of her pain crushes me, because I know she has been through so much pain and struggle in her life since childhood. I want to comfort her, but I selfishly allowed my guard down when temptation came, and now I don’t know if there is any way to begin to help her heal, because I truly don’t think she knew any better; but I did. Pray for me and share any wisdom you might have.

    1. I grieve for you, for the good you have forfeited, if you just could have resisted temptation. What’s especially disturbing is what this could do to this gal spiritually. I just don’t know. How I pray she doesn’t turn further away from the Lord because of this. I pray the Lord draws her closer to Him, despite all that went on between you.

      As far as some wisdom, I have a few things I’d recommend. The first is to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff that could possibly guide you towards better victory in the future, and pray with you, and help you figure out how to make this break from this gal less painful (especially for her spiritually). She really needs consideration in how this is done. You don’t want to string her along, but you also know it’s best to try to do this in as kind-hearted of a manner as possible. Just go to their web site at focusonthefamily.com and you will find contact info there. I’m glad to hear that you are drawing closer to Truth… but you both still need some help, and I believe talking to a counselor personally (they have great ones) can help you gain insight.

      Also, the ministry of Focus on the Family has another GREAT web site for those who are single, which you can find at boundless.org. They have a wealth of great articles that can help singles on many different levels. I highly recommend you visit their web site often. I can’t say enough good about all I have read as I’ve visited their web site time and again. I hope it will help, and pray God gives you strength to follow Him with your whole heart, body, and soul.

  3. To those who can give me suggestion, I was born in a Christian family, my dad is really religious and very strict. When we (me and my sister) are very young, we were told that we couldn’t have sex before marriage and we both promised that. Background info: we are both baptised in our preteen years. I was very close to my dad more than my sister. I found out my sister is acting weirdly with her boyfriend, and from her room I found out that she had sex before marriage.

    This really made me very uncomfortable; I don’t know what to do. Should I tell my dad (a pastor) or keep it as a secret (at the same time I’m scared that my sister is going into the wrong way if she break up with her boyfriend). So how should I handle this situation? (My parents don’t know that she’s been dating all along.)

    1. Helen, I admire you for taking such a vow and working to keep it. How I wish your sister realized how important it is. As far as telling your parents or not, there isn’t a hard/fast “rule.” But I can tell you that I probably wouldn’t. I would tell my sister I know and try to convince her that she needs to stop. First off, she made a vow. And second off, what does she think Jesus would have her do? She is walking on a dangerous path –one that can bring her eventual heartache, and one that compromises her fellowship with the Lord. She may fool other people, but she doesn’t fool God. And if she brings up the “love” situation, or the “we intend to eventually get married” please read other articles on this web site in the “Sex Before Marriage” topic to combat some of those excuses, and that’s what they are –excuses. She wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it… but that is NOT God’s plan for her. And when you go against Gods’ plans, there ARE consequences that will catch up with you.

      I hope you are successful. It will be doubtful that she will stop doing this, but you sure need to try. I pray the Lord gives you the words you need when you talk to her. God bless!

    2. Your sister is just like my own who set a horrible example. I watched her suffer due to my silence that I was likewise afraid to expose what I alone knew. I wish I had left her a note warning her she needed to expose her wrong on her own. Doing so freely because she wanted to be right with God again. And if she refuses then promise an exposing note would be given to your parents.

  4. I do not emotionally believe in the possibility of forgiveness for the sins I have been involved in simply because they stick to you and never leave your mind. I guess I can intellectually say the creed, but feeling cleansed on the inside seems impossible to me. Or maybe it worked a few times, but not anymore because of how crass I have sometimes acted when just trying to feel better.

    The other issue is that the Christian community doesn’t really forgive you ever. You are permanently second class once you fall, and that stays forever in some groups. I just found a Meetup group called “Christian, Straight, Single, Never Married” in my area that had a long diatribe about how they didn’t want anyone tainted. Given how I already feel like a pariah, this just served to make the feelings of self-hatred worse.

    1. Peter, I am very sorry that this is your experience with the Christian community. This should not be! You CAN be forgiven! You CAN! I can tell you from personal experience that you CAN feel cleansed from the inside… much of that is to forgive yourself, you know. This is not so easy… but very necessary!!

    2. If you’re REALLY serious a purification from GOD is available that is even better than all these so called never tainted ones. I know the extreme despising that these live with on all the fallen ones as I once had it myself. But having fallen and since recovering from becoming a despised one, I have MOST CLEARLY BEEN instructed by God to know that a purification or re-virginization is to be seen by yourself as actually a superior condition than the original virgin state so as to keep the unity of the body intact. God has promised to put greater honour on those who “appear” to be of less.

    1. Hi Grace, Please rest assured that God can and will forgive you for any and all wrongs you have done in the past, present and future, when you ask with a sincere heart! Does not Christ say in Matthew 18, “when your brother asks you to forgive him, then do it not 7x but 70 x 7?” (in other words… all the time!) I think you can agree that He, Who gave this answer to a human being, would also do the same for anyone who asks Him for forgiveness. This is the wonder of the story of the Cross, that we ARE forgiven, that He does NOT hold our wrongs against us, that our debt is PAID! Yes for sure you can know that you ARE forgiven! God gave His only Son just so that your forgiveness could become a reality!

      Your own name “Grace” means “free pardon” and “forgiveness” :)) I hope you come back again… take care Grace… WP (Work in Progress)

  5. I had sex with someone who is 12 years older than me and after having sex he dumped me and this eats inside of me. I cannot forgive myself, I ask God to forgive me but I continue blaming myself for what I did.

    1. Hi Malehloa, Forgiving yourself can be one of the hardest things to do in this life. I know… I’ve had the same struggle. I would ask you to read and consider my text above to Grace- of course this applies to you too!! and to everyone who comes to God with a sincere heart. Do you believe that God forgives you? Your words imply that you do… but you continue to blame yourself.

      If you have a Bible, please carefully read John Chapter 8. It is the story of a woman caught doing the same thing as you. She was dragged by a crowd before Jesus… expecting Him to approve the punishment of stoning. Instead He told them, “Let him who is without sin throw the first stone.” One by one they all quietly walked away, beginning with the oldest. He was then alone with her, and asked her, “Did no one condemn you?” “No one Lord,” she said. “Neither do I condemn you- go about your business, and sin no more.” Notice she never asked Him for forgiveness, He knew she felt bad about this (like you)… but could do nothing about it for herself. He, the one Person Who had the authority and the right to condemn her, said, “Neither do I condemn you- go about your business, and sin no more.”

      You need to forgive yourself… leave this thing behind you, and get on with living. I’m very sorry that your partner did what he did. Must be very painful! I hope you have friends and family with whom you can share this, and who will help you get over this unfortunate incident. In any case, the readers and moderators of this site only want the best for you… I hope you come back again. You take care, WP (Work in Progress)

  6. I had sex with my fiancé after paying her bride price. Did I commit a sin? If yes, must I confess to a priest before I can be forgiven? We are yet to fix our wedding day but we have performed all the traditional marriage rites.

    1. Hi Nelson, To answer your question, yes you did commit a sin, and so did your fiancé, but, according the Bible, the Word of God, you do not need to confess to a priest before you both can be forgiven. Jesus Christ PAID for all your sin, and the sin of your fiance, on the Cross- He bled and died to PAY OUR PRICE. All you both need to do is come to Him, admit your wrongs, decide to turn away from your wrongs, and ask with a sincere heart for Him… Jesus… to come into your life. God’s forgiveness is immediate… and complete. Please read on.

      You know, all of us commit sins all the time. They are too many to count, FAR too many! If we needed to go to a priest to be forgiven for every sin, we would be with the priest constantly! Nooo Nelson… this is why Jesus Christ, the Son of God, went to the Cross to pay for our wrongs, and to forgive us ALL our sins! In effect, the LAW was given so that we would come to the end of ourselves and realise that we are sinful through and through… that we CANNOT FIX this on our OWN… the Law was given to lead us to Christ because only He can FIX our PROBLEM, the PROBLEM of SIN. (Galatians 3:24) This is why we commemorate Good Friday and Easter Sunday. CHRIST HIMSELF HAS PAID FOR YOUR SIN AND MY SIN. Christ said, “It is finished!!” (John 19.30)

      I will further support this position from the Bible: Romans 3:21-23 But now, apart from the Law (asking a priest for forgiveness / paying for our sin ourselves), the righteousness of God has been made visible… through faith in Jesus Christ for ALL who believe, for there is no distinction, for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

      John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that He have His only Son, so that whoever believes on Him would not perish, but have eternal life.”

      Ephesians 2:8,9 “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works (not by going to a priest or doing good things), so that no one can boast.”

      I made the same mistake that you did Nelson. I also asked Jesus Christ to forgive me… and He did. I am married now 36 years with my Dutch wife- we live in the Netherlands now. He has worked miracles time and time again in our lives. He longs to do the same for you and your fiancé!! I hope to hear from you again Nelson. WP (Work in Progress)

  7. This is a great article. I typically grew up in a Christian home, saved myself for marriage. I have loved the Lord for as long as I can remember. I married someone I thought felt the same; my husband was not so honest about his past. I think we was sleeping around up until we met. I didn’t date him for 6 months because the Lord told me he needed to work in us both.

    I don’t know why my husband was dishonest, I know he was ashamed… but to sort through this while being married has been terribly hard. I thought I married an honest man. I struggle because I know one of the girls he slept with, not very well but I struggle so much. I forgive them both but I don’t know why I want to know details. I want to know the last time he slept with someone. Is that wrong? He just says it’s in the past. If you have any advice, please help. Blessings, Jane.

    1. Hi Jane, I hope this reply is not too late… I am only just reading your text now. I am a husband married 36 years with two grown children; The Lord found me 39 years ago… and I am still learning.

      I do not think it is wrong of you to want to know details, but I wonder what you can do with the details once you have them. Pehaps the only result would be to open an old wound again?

      You say your husband is ashamed… this is a good development… but have you really talked through the most important issue, the issue of trust? Your husband also needs to fully appreciate the hurt which his sleeping around has caused you; from your brief text, it does not seem that this is the case. “He just says, ‘it’s in the past.'” says it all, don’t you think? Unless and until he fully “gets it,” I think you would agree that it is hard for you to move forward. This is something he needs to understand.

      Do you have any reason to believe he is “stepping out” now? Perhaps you can get through to him by describing a scenaro where you are having an affair with a man you both know (use a name of a mutual friend as an example). How would he feel about that? Would he be able to trust you? Why not?

      Just some ideas for you. Talking things out and describing how you feel, without putting your husband on the defensive cannot help but get across to him where you are right now. I hope these ideas help… Take care, WP (Work in Progress)

  8. Hi, I was very blessed reading all of the messages and replies. I’m thankful to God that I’ve found this site. I’m a Christian girl. I grew up with a broken family. That’s why, ever since I grew up, I promised myself not to get engaged a man who is unbeliever in Christ. I also promised to wait for God’s will and to be pure until marriage. But suddenly, the temptation start playing me. I’ve a met a guy who is an unbeliever. I don’t know why in the first place I didn’t stop our communication on the day that he told me that he wanted to court me. I allowed myself to entertain him, until I fell in love with him maybe?

    The sad thing is I gave everything to Him, in which the status of our relationship is just MU “mutual understanding.” I gave up my virginity to Him, even though I knew he was not the right guy for me. I know it was my weakness but I still allowed it to happen. Maybe I was just so aggressive and so confused about the feeling of being intimate. I don’t know why it came to my mind. I realize I allowed Satan to ruin my faith and relationship with God, and I know he can easily do that because I have no permanent prayer and meditation in His word.

    I was very guilty. I’ve hated myself for doing this, breaking my promises and most of all, hurting my first love Jesus Christ. Day and night I ask for forgiveness from Him, asking for a second chance to be pure again. I always cried out, out of focus in work, so down, and very afraid, especially the possible punishment that He will going to give me. I always asked Him to give me a chance. I was really afraid the possible happens. I was paranoid thinking He might give me an unwanted pregnancy, for me to be disciplined. But I know God is so kind who will forgive me.

    I always ask Him, that He will not punish me in the way of unwanted pregnancy. I always asked Him for a second chance to correct my mistake, and to become faithful again to Him. But the guilt and fear were still on my mind. Please advise, I want to know if God will grant my request not to give me an unwanted pregnancy, and can I regain my purity? Thank You and God Bless

    1. Meriam, No human being could know if you could become pregnant. But I sure hope you stick to your new standards and don’t put yourself in that place again. If you ARE pregnant, then know that God has a purpose for this baby –it’s not to punish you but to eventually bless this baby with a good mom (which I believe you would be… I just have that hunch).

      You can’t erase the memories you have, but yes, you can be pure as long as you keep your standards high once again. God is a Redeemer who can bring good out of bad as we walk in His will. From what you write, it seems that you are doing that. I hope you stand strong and stay strong. I pray the Lord gives you the strength, and encourage you not to put yourself in the place of dating someone you shouldn’t, and put yourself in being alone with someone before marriage where you can more easily fall into temptation. I hope your life takes a turn for the better as you walk in freedom. God promises to forgive when we repent and ask. You can count on that :)

      1. Thanks Cindy :) I pray to God that sooner, I will be OK. Please help me to pray that I will not break my promises to God anymore. I have also another concern Cindy, after what happened, I still contact the guy, telling him that I was not OK, telling him that I was afraid of the possibilities that could happen; and he keeps telling me that it was a protected sex (he use withdrawal) and there’s nothing to be worried about getting pregnant. But still I was not relieved because I knew God can do everything. Every time he calls me I cry, and it makes him worried, until it came to the point that he got annoyed with me, because I was always crying. He was upset because he thinks that I’ve never trusted him ever since.

        That’s why I’ve decided to cut or stop our communication. I never text him anymore and never answer his calls; he text’ me constantly. I know he really loves me, but for me, my love for him has faded after what happened. I feel sorry for him because I’ve never shared with him about the Salvation, in which I know, that was our obligation or task to share the Good News to the lost soul. Is regretting or forgetting him a good way to start my commitment to God? I feel guilty of this situation also, please advise. Thank You and God Bless :)

  9. Please, I need advice because I am so confused of what to do. I have just met this lady on a Nigerian Christian singles-meet website where we chatted and eventually made an arrangement to meet in a restaurant just very recently. We are both born-again children of God right from early years of our life.

    In knowing each other better, after all the initial introductions, we discussed at length to the extent of sharing our past relationships.

    She relayed that she had been in three relationships before. The first was void of sex while she had sex in her second and third relationships. How often she had sex in each of the two relationships is unknown to me as our discussions were not extended to that. The second and third relationships were with Christian brothers and that the sex issue came in as a result of falling during unguarded moments or may I say they were engrossed in emotions and fell into the mistake of premarital sex. However, she has now genuinely repented and consistently serving the Lord as observed and perceived. She even shed tears when I sincerely expressed that I was not thinking I would meet a non-virgin lady. Though, I have said in my heart and believed in the past, before meeting her, that the issue of female virginity shouldn’t be a problem. But, upon hearing about her past, the reality got down on me that this is where doctrine moves from the theoretical to the practical.

    I shared with her that I have not been in any relationship nor had sex with any lady before. But I have watched pornography and masturbated several times in the past even though I have now repented also. I have also been abused by an elderly sister in my neighbourhood when I was like 8 or maybe 9 years old (I did not tell her this just because I just remembered after our meeting). I later in life realized (when I had already grown older to understand clearly what sex really meant) that it must have been an abuse.

    Now, to my question, I’m finding it difficult to consider her for marriage because of the following reasons;

    1.) She had sex in the past even though I am short of sexual purity in the past too.
    2.) Because of reason (1),
    a.) I’m now seeing that she is a little bit taller than me and I like to be taller than my wife.
    b.) I’m now seeing that she’s not fair in complexion enough for my liking.
    c.) I’m also seeing that she yet to be gainfully employed like me.
    3.) All of reason (2) were not supposed to come up in my seemingly carnal heart but reason (1) is forcing them out. I’m also thinking that, is all of reason (2) are carnal needs expected in a potential spouse.
    4.) I am finding it difficult to know maybe I do really have an affection for her.
    5.) I am now beginning to question that is it right to meet a lady one is intending to marry on a Christian singles dating website.

    Please, I will appreciate your prompt and comprehensive response.

    1. Hi Oyewol, I read your post, and I would like to share my own thoughts with you. I am a husband married 37 years, we have 2 children and 3 grandchildren.

      I, like you, did have premarital relations when I was very young, and before I met my wife. My wife had never had relations with any man before we married. We are both believing Christians. I was not believing when I made the mistake of premarital relations, and I did repent when I was saved.

      God is a God of mercy and forgiveness. He is also a God of justice. Jesus, His Son, died for you and for me to satisfy a just God and to pay our debt, which we could never pay ourselves. The classic Bible verses of John 3:16, Romans 3:23 and 6:23, Romans 10: 9 and 10, and of course Ephesians 2: 8 and 9 all speak to this wonderful truth.

      You need to start where you ARE… not where you WERE. The past is the past and cannot be changed. You both have made mistakes. You do NOT have to allow your past to become your future!! But that can easily happen if you keep looking over your shoulder at yourself, and more so at the lady you would like to marry.

      Short and to the point:
      Reason 1 and 2- both invalid
      2a. a very minor point at best
      2b. very superficial
      2c. that can change tomorrow!! This is invalid
      3. True, but reason 1 is still invalid
      4. This is crucial! If you are questioning THAT, then you need to take a hard look again.
      5. What’s wrong with a Christian singles dating site? I don’t see why you are questioning this at all. And if you are, then shouldn’t you stay away from Christian singles dating sites?

      Your abuse when you were 8 or 9 years old was NOT your fault. (I went through a similar experience when I was 12. I know how long it can take to get over that.)

      To be fair, reverting to your reason 1, If you are holding this against HER, then she can well hold your mistakes which you mention against YOU (which are just as bad if not worse). Start where you are and think about the classic prayer which HE, Jesus, taught us to pray: “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” Matthew 6:12, Luke 11:4, ….. 1John 1:9

      If I were in your place, your point 4. is the one I would be concentrating on right now. My wife and I knew each other for about 2 months, and then were separated for 3 years, (She is Dutch and I am American) during which we wrote and called- sometimes 2x per week, sometimes 1x in a month. We visited each other twice during that time. We knew we had something special, and that we did love each other. We finally married… and here we are still together…by God’s grace.

      Hasn’t always been easy… and my premarital relations never came up really.

      Take your time. Get to know this lady just for who she is. Spend time with her. Does she take an interest in your hobbies? Do you like her friends? Have you met her family? Has she met your family? What do you like to do together? Do you take an interest in her hobbies? Does she share your basic values and beliefs?

      How well do you really know her?

      Would be interested in what you think of these ideas….
      Hope to hear from you, WP (Work in Progress)

    2. Oyewole, I agree 100 per cent with what WP told you. I would like to just add one more thought – IF you can’t get past the small/insignificant things ( i.e. 2a, 2 b) now then you will never be compatible. And this will be true with any woman you would court, not just this one. And while it’s important that she is compatible for you, it is equally important you are compatible for her. So, be sure to work on yourself to grow into the man God wants you to be. Blessings!

    3. To address your concerns I am required to venture into a most explosive subject and it has to do with why it is a full outright sin to lust on another person and be just as guilty of fully having sex with them. Soul ties are developed when you ever decide a certain type of gal is YOUR TYPE or your able to get off on such gals that have that extra appeal. Ever wonder why they have that something extra? They have been collecting THIS LUST ABILITY from everyone that IS WRONGFULLY GIVING IT TO THEM!!! We are all commanded NOT TO GIVE OUR STRENGTHENS TO STRANGE WOMEN. So knowing nothing about someone but JESUS and Him crucified is A COMPLETE freeing up from all this status quo of false worth. These extreme lovers of themselves will push a most overwhelming emotional invasion that you basically have no choice but to suffer a brief attack THAT MUST BE REBUKED BY A GREATER TRUE LOVE FROM GOD,” NEWS FLASH” GOD IS NOT THE SOURCE THAT THESE INVASIVE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES ATTEMPT TO DOMINATE EVERYONE WITH. Nice feelings can be 100 percent evil. Satan can appear as a angel of light as can these pushy self lovers are experts at deceiving.

      Watching first time interactions with these type of people on newly introduced people is a very revealing lesson.GOD DOES NOT WANT US IGNORANT OF SATANS DEVICES. So all people who claim to have some kind of TROPHY WIFE are very much wanting evil lusts given to her so as to UP the weirdness they claim is normal for themselves. Walking the straight and narrow will expose the wide crazy life of leaders that ARE GOING TO ATTACK EVERY ONE THEY ARE OVER WITH THE PERVERSIONS THEY TWISTEDLY ENJOY IN THERE OWN SELVES. We are commanded to Bless those that curse us THAT WE WILL RECEIVE their forsaken blessings. So to all that reject this exhortation. I Bless you and claim a release of all the properness that God says is really right and normal.

  10. I was a virgin on my wedding night. My wife of 18 years was not. I fully understand and accept God’s grace, redemption and forgiveness. I am not, have never been, and will never be a better person than my wife. I have just made different mistakes. But I confess to this issue being a continual source of struggle (emotional pain, really) for me. It can be difficult to play the traditional role of a leader in this area when in reality I feel like a follower.

    I have never viewed my wife as having any less value because of her prior sexual history. It is just the opposite – I perceive myself as having less uniqueness to her due to her past. She is unique to me in a way that I am not unique to her. That is a fact, not a judgment.

    Coming to grips with God’s unconditional forgiveness and acceptance is only part of the equation. A mismatch of sexual histories, I have discovered, also brings with it some potential relational challenges. Those challenges need to be acknowledged and dealt with (how I do not know) at the earliest possible opportunity. I made the conscious choice to give the gift of exclusivity to my wife. That gift was squandered. She would have felt better -defined as feeling not guilty -had I had the same sexual history.

    Much of the writing on this topic is directed at remedying the regret of those who struggle with their sexual histories. Very little speaks to the struggle of those who deliberately chose to not have a sexual history but married a person with a sexual history. That is regrettable, and I confess to continuing to struggle with this issue from time to time. I am all too happy to receive advice from those with anything helpful to share.

    1. To address your concerns I am required to venture into a most explosive subject and it has to do with why it is a full outright sin to lust on another person and be just as guilty of fully having sex with them. Soul ties are developed when you ever decide a certain type of gal is YOUR TYPE or your able to get off on such gals that have that extra appeal. Ever wonder why they have that something extra? They have been collecting THIS LUST ABILITY from everyone that IS WRONGFULLY GIVING IT TO THEM!!!

      We are all commanded NOT TO GIVE OUR STRENGTHENS TO STRANGE WOMEN. So knowing nothing about someone but JESUS and Him crucified is A COMPLETE freeing up from all this status quo of false worth. These extreme lovers of themselves will push a most overwhelming emotional invasion that you basically have no choice but to suffer a brief attack THAT MUST BE REBUKED BY A GREATER TRUE LOVE FROM GOD. “NEWS FLASH” GOD IS NOT THE SOURCE THAT THESE INVASIVE LOVERS OF THEMSELVES ATTEMPT TO DOMINATE EVERYONE WITH. Nice feelings can be 100 percent evil. Satan can appear as a angel of light as can these pushy self lovers are experts at deceiving. Watching first time interactions with these type of people on newly introduced people is a very revealing lesson. GOD DOES NOT WANT US IGNORANT OF SATANS DEVICES.

      So all people who claim to have some kind of TROPHY WIFE are very much wanting evil lusts given to her so as to UP the weirdness they claim is normal for themselves. Walking the straight and narrow will expose the wide crazy life of leaders that ARE GOING TO ATTACK EVERY ONE THEY ARE OVER WITH THE PERVERSIONS THEY TWISTEDLY ENJOY IN THERE OWN SELVES. We are commanded to Bless those that curse us THAT WE WILL RECEIVE their forsaken blessings. So to all that reject this exhortation. I Bless you and claim a release of all the properness that God says is really right and normal.

  11. I am very confused after having a discussion with my pastor. I would like to ask my girlfriend of one year to marry me. In the beginning of our dating relationship, we had premarital sex. We later decided to vow and practice abstinence to honor God. But we fell – sometimes two weeks, sometimes 12 weeks in between. This was very difficult and we fought every minute. Admittedly, we put ourselves in these tempting situations (being alone, pushing physical boundaries).

    I told my pastor these things, with the addition that I also tried to practice abstinence with my former spouse (with similar results). He said that because I gave into sex in both relationships (albeit followed by a renewed heart and repentance), that I have developed a “pattern” that would ultimately contribute to the death of my marriage; that there is an element of choosing my desires over God’s Will. But, isn’t that the nature of sin? We can get married even though we have chosen selfishly before – because God will forgive us IF we have a repentant heart? “But – you obviously weren’t repentant if you did it again,” is the common thought, correct?

    I did not “bank” on God forgiving me and merely “acted” repentant. But, I pushed the envelope to the end of the table, in small, slow doses – until it fell off. Maybe that’s the pattern – that I haven’t successfully stayed away from the situations that lead to sin. I guess I can just never be alone with her again until we are married, because on day 78 I might fail. Feel so discouraged.

    1. Nick, I appreciate your candor, honesty, and the fact that you recognize the pattern that leads to falling back into the same actions again and again. That’s the first step to addressing the root cause and dealing with the sin in your life. I wouldn’t go so far as to say your a sex “addict” but I think you need to address this as if you were. Just like you would never recommend an alcoholic try and prove he’s “dry”/healed by going to a bar, I don’t recommend you and your girlfriend be any place that can lead to succumbing to the temptation. And, yes, that probably means not being alone some place where it would be easy to have sex.

      That may sound corny or old-fashioned, but until you’re married you have no biblical right to have sex. You’ve been together for a year but do you both know you are suited for each other as a husband and wife besides the sex? The act of sex before marriage stunts the growth of the REAL relationship between a man and a woman. That’s because you’re either thinking “let’s do it again;” or “how can we keep from doing it again?” Both are a distraction from working to know just how compatible you are for each other. Because you talked about your ex I know this would be at least your second marriage. As you probably already know that second marriages already have a much higher probability of divorce than first marriages, that means that it is even more essential you put the work into preparing for this marriage.

      This is because you are dragging a lot of baggage from your first marriage with your relationship to your ex and then any children you have from that marriage. These are HUGE red flags. Cindy and I have seen in our many years of marriage ministry the heartbreak of broken first, second, third, fourth marriages. And it’s never a pretty picture. The pain and destruction left in the wake of these broken relationships is heartbreaking.

      So, PLEASE, above anything else take the necessary steps to stay pure by taking the responsibility for both yourself and your girlfriend. All it takes is for one of you to be strong and “Just Say No!” Then, get into some pre marital counseling. You probably don’t want to use your pastor as he already has an opinion. Find a neutral third party but one who understands the dynamics of counseling a couple that has at least one who has been married before.

      Lastly, I believe you, Nick, when you say you haven’t been presuming on God to forgive you when you fall into sin. God knows if your heart is sincere so don’t let someone else tell you that you weren’t. But your pastor was right in that he identified a “pattern.” If you think that there might be some sexual addiction issues that are trying to bring you down I recommend a book that helped me with my sexual addiction. It’s called Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series)

      We all have “patterns” of sin that can bring down our marriages. The key to victory is to ask God to reveal them to us and help us kill them so that our marriages will last forever. Satan knows every one of our weak areas and he will do everything he can to use/exploit them to destroy our relationship with our spouse and our God. He knows he can’t destroy our salvation so the next best thing is to keep us weak and feckless so that others won’t be drawn to Christ when they observe our lives. I hope this helps. ~Steve Wright

      1. Steve – thank you so much for your response! It was very encouraging and insightful. We haven’t done marital counseling yet. We took a “seriously dating/engaged” course at church and have read several books, including Love and Respect, the Five Love Languages, Preparing for Marriage, and The Smart StepFamily. But little time was spent on specific relationships and problems/obstacles in the class. I have also read “Every Man’s Battle” years ago (looks like I need a refresh).

        I want to clarify that this temptation does not take away from our dating life all of the time. I would say it does once every 30 days or so (on average) – but you’re right – something could even be going on subconsciously to take away from the experience of finding out if we are truly right for one another. It’s a wonder any man can think clearly while courting, as most men have sex drives, and I am simultaneously refraining from masturbation (another form of adultery). As you know, it is difficult to stay pure, as the nature God made us with does not take a vacation. But, I also understand that God can continue to help me find an escape, as he has many times over the last year. Many, many victories. More victories than defeats. However, there is no such thing as 99% obedience. I think what I need most is to be encouraged. Thank you for providing a little of that for me. God Bless!

  12. Hey, I’m finding it difficult to fight sexual sin again. 3 years ago I took the decision to be celibate. Prayed and I was delivered from sexual sin. I no longer dreamt of having sex. I no longer fantasized about my ex who was good in bed. I was 2 years clean until I lost the man my heart longed for because of not giving him sexual intimacy. I realized he was a Narcissist though. But it was very difficult to get over him. I prayed for healing. It was truly hard. So I started indulging in sexual sin again with another man. And another and now another.

    January this year I stopped myself. I prayed about it. And I kept getting these sexual dreams. And I end up getting an orgasm in the dream. When I wake up my lower stomach would be in pain for 15 min to 30 min. I prayed and prayed. But these dreams keep coming. I finally gave into temptation again… and scary enough I’m enjoying this guy. I want to stop. I really do.

    I find it hard to stop myself this time. How do I close this door again for good? It seems harder this time.

    1. Thuli, this will always be a problem for you before you marry. Please know that. If it’s not this, it’s something else. The enemy of our faith will work on trying to tempt us in any way that can cause us to fall. He happened to find this one and is sticking with it, because it seems to work. You have to know that whatever you feed, it will grow bigger and stronger. If you keep giving in, you are feeding this temptation into monstrous proportions. Each time will be harder and harder because you gave it extra strength to fight against you.

      Please go into the Sex Before Marriage topic and read all you can. Don’t allow yourself to go places or be alone in places where you can give into temptation. Will this be difficult? ABSOLUTELY! But will it be worth it? ABSOLUTELY! You can do this Thuli… don’t let the enemy convince you otherwise. You are stronger than you realize as you tap into God’s strength. You’ve got to through away your fantasizing thoughts. They are starting to seep over into your dreams. When they start to pop into your mind, through them out as fast as you would throw out a virus that was trying to infect your computer. Don’t let it take root. Throw it out as many times as it pops in… 100 times? Throw it out quickly 100 times. Eventually, it will lose its strength and slow down. I know. I was there. I’ve had to do this with some of my thoughts (on other temptations). But I refuse to give in. I hope you will too, and will get to the winning side of it.

      Yes, you will always be tempted. But you don’t have to give it strength, and you need to remember that “no temptation will come upon you that God won’t give you the strength to overcome and find a way of escape.” Focus on Him, stay away from dangerous places, fill your mind with overcoming scriptures, “resist the devil and he will flee from you.” I pray strength and help for you.

      1. AMEN to Cindy’s suggestions! And I might add this, which works for me: In Exodus 14:13-14 it reads “…Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” And in Psalm 46:10-11 it reads “… “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

        I apply these Scriptures in my life. When you feel the temptations growing, develop the habit of physically stopping, remaining completely still, and praying. Ask the Lord to draw you close to Himself, protect you, and fight the battle for you, in the all-powerful name of our Lord and Savior Jesus. Whenever I remember to be still and pray, He is always there to provide His perfect protection in the midst of the storm.