So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(NORTHERN IRELAND) Hi there, I am Natasha. I have been married for 10 years now. We have two children, ages 8 and 4. I really want to have sex 2 or 3 times a week, but my husband doesn’t have any fellings for having sex. Mostly we have sex only once a month. If it’s more, some months it’s just twice a month.
And the sex time is not longer than 2 to 5 minutes. My husband never kisses me as well, in our 10 year of married life. This has been happening for about the last 2 years. Before, we had sex once or twice a week.
But the things are getting worse now. He really doesn’t have any feelings to have sex for even once a month.
I was talking with him once but he was very angry. He told me to decide which guy can give me more happiness and go with that guy. He can’t give me any more than this.
In this month until today 18/10/2011, we had only one day of sex. In two days I will have my period. We are muslim so we are not having sex when we have a period. So I am thinking again today that after he comes home from work I will speak with him. I know he will be very angry today, as well.
I feel the same way as you are feeling. I am really in stress. I can’t share it with any of my friends; I can’t tell anyone about this problem. What can I do? I know if it’s going to stay like that it will be not possible to stay together anymore even though I love him so much. If a man is not beside you, you can control your sex drive. But if your husband is beside you and not having sex for 20 or 25 days, how you will control yourself? Please someone, give me right advice. What I can do?
(SOUTHAFRICA) Is this forum still going?
(US) My wife stays at home and she doesn’t want it. Before we got married, our sex lives were great! As soon as we had possession of that certificate, she had no interest at all. I just hear, “it’s me.” Over five years, it has gotten to the point where she is always sick and she gives my unpassionate robot sex once every month or two. No passion, don’t put your mouth there, that position hurts… just hurry up.
I have been consulting leaving her for about a year. However, I am still expected to give massages, cook dinner even though I work, and take care of the 2 year old 50% of the time when I am home. Seriously, it feels like I am with a prostitute so I don’t even bother to ask anymore. I also told her that if she doesn’t want to be affectionate, don’t expect me to give her the same.
I am kind of cold about it now. I give the marriage maybe another year or two. I think I am done with marriage all together. What kind of woman thinks receiving oral sex is disgusting… two years after marriage? That is my biggest turn on.
(USA) It’s curious how more women nowadays are complaining about the lack of sex in their relationships. I wonder if it has anything to do with how readily available porn is to men nowadays? I never EVER thought my husband who I have been with for 10 years would ever look at Porn (he always made fun of it or put it down), then I caught him (he forgot to clear his history that one time) and he confessed. I had NO idea.
Are they pleasing themselves more with Porn since it is right at their fingertips? I mean, it’s right there, any type or interest they might desire and available 24/7 in their home, on their smart phones. It’s too easy. No need to go to the seedy store down town or be ashamed at the counter of the drugstore. Just Point-and-click! Think about it…
I never did and now I am in a very sad place. Dealing with the fact that my husband is not who I was convinced that he was. This is surely a place I never thought I would be. I am very anti-pornagraphy and I thought my husband shared my same values at least, he sold me that he did! And I’m not a prude. We experiment A LOT together sexually but sexual activity has been only about twice a month on average. ~Betrayed and sad
(USA) I wish more women would read this forum (well, the ones who are not interested in sex). I used to be one of them until I stumbled upon the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
.
So many things clicked. I too always thought my husband can’t think about anything but sex, and I’m ashamed to say that I called him primitive and like an animal. I never knew he needed it to connect to me. Now that I know this, I want it too, because I want that connection that no one but me can have with him (I loved him all this time, just never interested in sex). And wouldn’t you know, suddenly he is so different as well. All these things I always wanted I am getting now. Random texts that say I love you, he holds my car door open for me. The passionate kisses are back. It’s fantastic. It is amazing what it can do for your marriage when you finally understand why men need this act so much…
(USA) I have been married for just over three years. On our honeymoon night my wife wouldn’t have sex with me and even pulled away when I just tried to cuddle with her. On the second night she started a huge fight by insulting me and telling me I am not a real man because I did not have enough money. I was absolutely devastated. We had sex the 4th night of our honeymoon and had a decent sex life for about 2 weeks. Then she started rejecting every advance and refused to discuss it regardless of how I approached the subject.
She calls me a pervert, doesn’t think sex is essential in marriage, and mocks me when I try to tell her about my pain. When we do have sex she acts disgusted and I feel like a rapist. There is pain involved but she refuses to see a doctor or a sex therapist to see if something is physically wrong. After much begging, she finally attended counseling with me, but the counselor’s assessment was that she wanted out of the marriage. Whenever I try to have a discussion about anything she gets angry.
If I share my feelings she gets angry. My marriage has absolutely no emotional, spiritual, or sexual intimacy. I am so distraught. I want a family so bad it hurts. I have always loved kids and believe that God wants me to adopt someday. However, I do not want to bring kids into a home with such an angry, rebellious, unforgiving person.
The fact that Jesus said sexual immorality is the only valid reason for divorce tells me that sex is immensely important. We know that withholding sex is a sin. The Greek word that is often translated “adultery” in English Bibles actually means any kind of misuse of sex. I guess I’m trying to figure out if withholding sex is a valid reason for divorce in God’s eyes, and would really appreciate everyone’s feedback. Thanks for your advice.
(UNITED STATES) I really need help and advice. I’m not sure what started us on the road to a sexless marriage but we have only been married to each other for a year and ten months and he now wants a divorce! This is a second marriage for both of us. There is a lot of parental role strain due to the fact that we both have children from former marriages.
His children are 11, 15, 18, 21, and live nearby with their mother. He complained that his first wife lacked passion but this is definitely NOT the case with me. I know this sounds crazy but the truth is… the only time he wants sex is 2 days a month, simultaneous with the time of the full moon! The rest of the month I could walk around in short skirts, plunging neck lines, high heels, and he would totally ignore me. I have tried to interest him in romance and seduce him with a professional massage because I am a licensed massage therapist!
I am very busy teaching part time and am also a full time student nurse in an RN program. If anyone should be tired and have a good excuse for not having sex, it should be me! I am stuck because I love him (and lust for him) so much. I would do absolutely anything for him –not just sexually but in many practical ways. I am a dependable friend, confidente, and partner, excellent cook and housekeeper.
I try to accommodate his four kids even when it feels like I’m running a bed & breakfast when I should be studying for exams. His favorite thing to do at night is drink beer and watch TV. I’ve never felt such rejection in my entire life! It is tragic that he now wants a divorce. He insists that he loves me but cannot reciprocate the same level of intensity (ie: not the same way he perceives that I love him)! PLEASE… IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR MY MARRIAGE?
(US) In reading these posts I have gotten some much needed perspective. Yes, witholding is abandonment and is against God’s love. As much as we hate to call it as it is people have the free choice to live a giving or a selfish life.
Sexual neglect is a real part of my marriage and there is no excuse for it and as always religious people who are not spiritual will try to put but the blame on you for desiring your partner. Religious people have been putting burdens on spiritual persons before the pharisees, during the time of the pharisees, and even today. That is why it is important to recgnozie sinful people and the hurt they cause in the world.
If you can keep the marriage with a carnal person together for the kids sake, that is what is best. The Bible tells us to let the carnal person divorce. For this reason we do not want to spread an unloving example just because our spouse is carnal and selfish. Who knows? Maybe they will by your example, repent one day.
I do not really know but I hope my wife divorces me. I would really like to be in a marriage where I am loved. I just read a lot of books like as a man thinketh to change my own thoughts develop my own character. I have slipped into pornography and I really want peace and deliverance in my mind and soul so I am trying not to think about sex. But I am a really physical person and I would prefer to be loved in that way. I will overcome and get through this and be much happier for it.
(USA) I’m 45, been married 20 years, and have thought about his a lot. She does not want sex simply because her physical drive dropped. Early on we were matched. After getting married, her drive started to drop enough to be noticed. After a couple years, her drive dropped so much that is was a problem in our relationship. But she, through no real fault of her own, had me convinced the problem was me. I believed all that crap about trying to romance her more. Eventually, her drive went almost completely away.
Now, for the sake of our marriage we have an agreed upon a schedule of a couple times a week of mutual oral, and it does not include intercourse. There has been no intercourse for about 3 or 4 years. She seems to function ok to climax, with no faking, about once every two weeks. But even for that, she’s only into it for about 2 minutes, with the climax lasting only 10 seconds. Any attention before or after that 2 minutes, once a week, just annoys her. Again, none of this is intercourse, as any attempts to try that are a complete failure.
If I talked her into a try, which I try to do once a year, she will half-heartedly try, lots of no, ouch, and don’t bother. If I catch her at what seems like the 2 minutes she’d be interested, to go from oral to intercourse, she quickly turns off and it will not work. Sorry if too graphic, just trying to explain.
But to keep the marriage going, we have to not take this emotionally, not take it personally. If a woman actually does want sex, then flowers and back-rubs and whatever else, doesn’t matter. If a man actually does want sex, then a little extra weight put on over the years, and burnt cooking or dirty dishes, does not matter. A couple that actually wants sex with each other will just do it and not tie it to other extraneous things.
For one partner to tell the other that they’d be interested in sex if only X,Y,Z conditions were met is just plain wrong. Instead, I’d suggest you both just be open and honest about your own sex drive, and then come to a mutual understanding and a schedule and a set of rules as to what will and won’t happen. If you both wanted sex, then you wouldn’t need a schedule. But if one of you does not want sex, then you need a schedule and rules to avoid hurt feelings.
Do I still want intercourse? Yes. But what can I do about it. At least I’m 75% happy with what she does do. And she only does that because she wants the marriage to work. I can’t tell you how to find 100% happiness, because that would probably only happen by finding a mate that matches your sex drive. And if you want to stay married to your spouse, your love, then you probably are not allowed to find a different sex partner. This should all be spelled out to new lovers who are about to get married.
(INDIA) I am 44 and my wife is 39. We have two children, good in studies. Life is normal; she is working and a teacher. But our sex life is not satisfactory. We did not have any, since she had a hysterectomy operation two years back. I am frustrated and want to know if this normal after a hysterectomy. What should I do to please her?
(USA) My husband is 65 and I am 64. We’ve been married for only 18 months. Second marriage for both. He was married a long time and divorced for several years. I was single for many years. I assumed we would enjoy a healthy life, meaning at least one time a week. It’s getting further apart, now looking at over two weeks. He has no desire for me/sex, saying he is tired, worried about certain things, preoccupied, etc. Said it is no reflection on me, but I don’t believe that.
I think if I appealed to him sexually, he’d be wanting sex all the time. It makes me sad that at this point in our lives we are dealing with this. He has been with a lot of women in his life and on porn for many years, maybe that that has changed his desire? We’ve argued about this for the last 18 months, that I am weary. I don’t say anything anymore but I am dying on the inside, feeling neglected.
We are both Christians and I feel this is a gift God has given us and we should be partaking in it. I have tried so many things, but he is just not interested. My self-esteem is failing. I am attractive for my age and a bit over weight and I’m thinking that’s it. We had sex before marriage and that was okay and he seemed interested at that time, which was only a short time ago. What can I do now but suffer in silence? He doesn’t realize how much it hurts (tho I’ve told him) he doesn’t do anything about it. I know he loves me deeply but not in that way. I know he isn’t cheating or on porn anymore… he has changed his previous ways, but what’s happened? What should I do, if anything?
(USA) Betty, It is not you. I believe it is a mistake for a woman to think that if only she were more attractive, then her husband would have more sex with her. You are attractive enough, and he married you. Even if after a few years a wife puts on a few pounds and ages, she is still attactive enough.
The problem is that your husband just has a low sex drive. It seems the last thing a lot of the wives posting here want to admit (not all of their husbands have that same problem but most of them do, as far as I can tell by their stories). It doesn’t matter how much of a sex hound he was in the past, he currently has a low sex drive. He could be living with a 24 yr old super model, and sure, while he’d be hot for her a few times at first, soon he’d show the same disinterest in her that he shows in you. Why is that so hard to believe?
What to do about it? That’s more difficult. If I lost my sex drive, and my wife was interested in sex, I’d like to think that I would take a dildo or vibrator, roll up my sleaves, and get down to business for her. I wouldn’t care if it was a chore. I wouldn’t make her think it was a chore. I’d say “sorry, I don’t have the sex drive, but I do love to please you, and here’s what I’m going to do for you.” I’d change it up, doing things different each time. I’d do that for her in the same way that I mow the lawn, or fix a car, or do any number of things I’m not necessarily interested in but need to do anyway. And do it with a good attitude.
But a man, he’s supposed to be viral and strong. If he doesn’t have the interest anymore, or the ability to perform, then he’s probably ashamed. He’ll never tell you about it. He’d rather let you think he’s just tired. Might even let you think you are too fat or not attractive enough. He might even spend time looking at nudie magazines or whistling at girls on the street, but he couldn’t really perform much with them either if ever given the chance. What man would want to admit all of this?
All I can tell you is that with a strong sex drive, a man is all over his wife. Not much she does, or how she looks that day, or the few pounds she has put on over the years, matter much. He just wants her because she is his wife, and he has a sex drive.
(CANADA) I often have sex whether I want to or not. Once a week is our average, but husband gets moody and has lots of angry outbursts and says it is because he NEEDS more sex. So I give in to his anger and do it to calm his mood. Once a week is not enough so I’m going to have to hunker down and try for 2 times a week. My need for thoughtfulness and kind words goes unmet, but I keep right on doing my wifely duty. Many times sex hurts because of lack of desire….I sometimes feel like I’m being raped, and have resorted to thinking about pornographic images to try and get in the mood, or remove myself mentaly from what I”m doing.
(USA) As one who wants sex, I’m fine with a wife agreeing to a set schedule of sex each week. An agreement of when and what, and even for how long the session is.
Sure, it hurts that the wife does not want sex and that she has no sex drive and that she does not desire me (she does not desire anyone). But if the decision is to stay in the marriage, and to keep loving each other, then a sex agreement and schedule makes sense.
But the sex agreement and schedule need to be entered upon as two free adults, with no threats of anger or violence. Without sex, I might be cranky, but it would be just general crankiness that the relationship was no longer working, and that the wife and I could not come to an agreement. Whatever sex agreement we decide on should be based on saving the relationship. It should not be based on avoiding crankiness. And shouldn’t involve avoiding anger. Anger would seem a problem in itself, separate from any issues of sex. Anger, as I think of it, is more something where you are trying to intimidate someone with a threat of violence. The threat does not have to be stated, but is implicit, is understood to be possible, from the display of anger. Crankiness is more just that things are not going well, and you are not in a good mood, not wanting to get along with the other person anymore, and maybe the relationship won’t last in the long run if the crankiness persists every day.
As a husband, I do not want to be raping my wife. If she does not want sex, and does not want to try and please me sexually, then maybe the relationship is over. But if she agrees to sex and agrees to sexually pleasing me, then we can compromise and keep the relationship going. It is a fine line. I’m well aware that many feminists who happen up on this writing would think a husband such as myself as essentially raping if the wife does not want sex. But I think that view is silly. Instead the wife has the choice, provide the sex or end the marriage. I’d be more than willing to provide whatever financial support is needed, and to fullfill all legal obligation toward her, to help in a divorce.
But in the end, my wife and I love each other and do not want to end the marriage. Sex is the only problem in our relationship. If she chooses to compromise and provide a mutually agreed upon level of sexual activity, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, then the relationship continues.
In my opinion, the schedule is needed so as to take emotion out of the question. To take hurt feelings out of the question. We agree to a schedule because we both think it is important. If a couple cannot agree to a schedule, and cannot do so without threats of anger, then I don’t know, not my place to say, but does not look good for that relationship.
There is so much pain in all of this, in all the posts. I would just suggest that agreement and scheduling is a way to reduce the pain, reduce the emotion. There aren’t many other options. What options are there? Break up the marriage? What else? Go on with hurt feelings because one spouse asks for too much sex, and another spouse keeps denying? Go on with the sense of being battered because one spouse will demand sex at various unscheduled times, and the other spouse feels compelled to comply as each request comes up? No, instead I suggest sit down together and talk in a calm and cool and rational way. Come up with a schedule that both spouses can agree to. A schedule that is not too demanding, and not too neglectful, and stick to it. After about a month re-visit that schedule, see how things are going, and re-negotiate if needed.
Have any of you tried this? Think it is a good idea, or bad idea? It’s the only way I’ve found to cope with the problem of mismatched sex drive in my marriage. I’m open to other solutions but have not noticed them in any of the posts above.
(USA) Thanks to all of you for writing in. I’m quite relieved to see that my marital issues are not simply a Mars-Venus male-female thing, but that there are women who are just as frustrated with their husbands as I have been with my wife.
I’m also going to be more appreciative to my wife. She’s on the low end of the sex-drive scale but probably 2x/month is pretty comfortable for her. I now recognize how far she has gone to meet me at once every five or six days. Like some of us, I can and would like to have it once/day, and sometimes more, but I don’t blame my wife for my compulsive nature or for my habit of unfairly comparing her to others. Nonetheless it seems like a struggle sometimes, and I have blown up at her probably a dozen times or more out of pent-up frustration. I certainly haven’t got it figured out.
Having young kids is definitely exhausting and alienating for a marriage. Fatigue is real, but the unwillingness to engage in a creative discussion and try to make time for the kinds of intimacy you both need seems like a deeper problem. My wife is exhausted from work, parenting, and from a chronic illness, but she is willing to work with me.
I’d like to weigh in on the comments about infidelity – fidelity in a relationship is an ongoing compromise. It’s hard to see how the spouse who consciously and habitually withholds sex is any less guilty of being “unfaithful” than the spouse who seeks relief outside of a really dysfunctional sexual union.
Perhaps a glimmer of hope – after 13 years my wife and I finally sought counseling about our sexual differences, which have been with us since day 1 of our relationship. We saw a wonderful, insightful counselor that we both trusted. She has helped us on the road to making peace with our emotional differences and given us the encouragement we needed to put energy and focus into meeting halfway. Things are getting better – not a 180-degree turn on a dime, but better.
(CANADA) Wow, people complaining about sex only 3 time a month. I would love to be at that level. My wife and I are 37 and this year (2011) we have had sex twice. Once on Valentine’s Day and the other on our anniversary. Talk about a lousy sex life. It is really pushing us further apart. Boy, I wish we would make love 2-3 times a week. If it weren’t for the kids, I would end my marriage on this reason alone.
(CANADA) Greg, I hear you! 2 or 3 times a month would be great! I tried to tell my wife that forums like this one indicate the average is once or twice a week. She tells me that she talks to her friends with school age kids and they might do it twice a year because they feel they have to… that’s either wrong or if things are getting that bad we’re all in trouble.
I’m in my early 40’s and my wife is slightly younger. We have kids in grades 2 and 4. I work 50 hours a week but I’m home every night and hardly travel. We might have sex once or twice every two months. I’m frustrated but she claims it’s normal. She offers the standard I’m too tired, too busy. She works hard as a mom and housewife, but does not have a job outside the home.
My wife complains that I can be grumpy and that I don’t romance her enough, so she doesn’t feel intimate. I can tell you why I grump! However, if I try hard to be happier and take her on dates, she then will say “it takes time”. After weeks of trying I often give up and I admit I will be sullen. Ironically, when we do make love, she often exclaims, “you are in such a good mood after we have sex” –but she doesn’t seem able to make the connection. I can guarantee that if there was more sex I would be a happier more romantic guy, and I will tell you that the sex has to come first, because I’m getting tired of working hard to earn it only to be rejected continually with excuses, or my favorite tactic, picking a fight before bed or on the way home from a date. She is a master of destroying an evening to ensure there will be no sex.
Like lots of other men (and women) on this forum, I have been made to feel guilty about the whole sexual desire thing. I finally started looking at porn out of frustration, but stopped because I knew it wouldn’t help the situation. When I told her she said she understood and then told me SHE had been looking at porn during the day while I’m at work! What?! So she does have a sex drive?! Can you blame me now for thinking it is me? I still work out and think I am decent looking, but am convinced I am simply not attractive to her any more. This seriously irritates me because she has put on a few pounds but is still cute and I’m still attracted to her because she is my spouse.
Sometimes she will actually initiate sex with suggestions like “ok, we can do it, but I’m tired so you’ll have to do all the work”. Wow. I can’t wait. The elephant in the room, however, is that she does not have orgasms easily and gets frustrated. I have suggested that if we have sex more than once every couple of months we might be able to work towards techniques or a comfort level that would be beneficial.
After many years of this (we’ve been married for 12 years) I am starting to give up and have been reading articles about living in a sexless marriage. Then there is always a fling, but I do not want to cheat on her. I think I’m actually getting depressed over the whole thing, because it is not just about sex anymore, it is about emotional connection and intimacy which are both at an all time low.
(US) I just made a comment below before reading your post… I said basically that if there is a problem with a spouse not wanting to have sex, that it could be a porn addiction. I seriously believe that it is becoming MORE common for woman to be addicted to porn as well. I read something about it a while ago, not sure where. But she NEEDS to stop in order to save your sex life… seriously. If she cared about your marriage she would stop in a heart beat. That is the cause of her lack of interest. Continue to “show” her love though, a woman needs that… just like a man needs sex :)
(US) Wow, reading these comments really made me think. My husband and I have a great relationship. (We obviously have problems but who doesn’t?) We have sex once or twice a week, sometimes more… but my husband tells me that it’s not enough. Every other day would be perfect for him. I am the one with the “lower” sex drive so I do, somewhat, understand where some are coming from… BUT withholding sex from your spouse for longer then a week is NOT okay. Period. A healthy sex life is VERY important in a marriage, whether some want to believe it or not.
In reading these comments it’s NO WONDER the divorce rate is so high. I am sorry people, but stop being so selfish and start thinking about your spouse for once. Like I said my husband would appreciate more sex and I am working on it, because I care about my marriage, and the VOWS that I made. If you don’t care about your sex life… you don’t care about your marriage. But for those of you who are being left with nothing, I am so sorry, I couldn’t imagine. It breaks my heart, it really does. But know that as long as YOU work on YOU and not just worry about what he or she is doing (or not doing) then hold your head up because you are trying your best.
And one thing too is, and this goes for both men and even women, maybe a pornography addiction is involved. If your husband or wife is on the computer a lot I would be a little bit concerned. You can check the history on your computer to be certain (unless they delete it). Obviously women have to be more worried about this with their husbands but you never know!
And I would also recommend watching the movie “Fireproof”; it’s great! Helped me look at my husband’s side of things and not just my own. It can be a little corny here and there but all in all a good movie to watch for marital problems! And if you can, watch it with your spouse! :) God Bless everyone; I hope that everything works out for you.
Oh, and I might add that if you’re not making love with your spouse on a regular basis, expect that they will most likely find it somewhere else. I’m obviously not saying it’s right, but it leaves way too many doors open for temptation. But what I am saying is if your spouse cheats and this is the way that they are being treated… then YOU should take most of the blame.