So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(UNITED STATES) Reading stuff like this makes me sad because my husband and I have been married 4 months and have yet to have sex. We are both still virgins. It worries me that it will mess up our marriage but so far we are just as happy and loving as before. Is it REALLY necessary to have sex in a marriage?
If you are BOTH in agreement with living this way, and it isn’t causing temptation for either of you, then that is fine. It won’t “mess up” your marriage if it’s a mutual choice you make together. You are in agreement. It’s not one most married couples would make –especially in the early stages of marriage, but if it works for both of you, then that is your choice TOGETHER. It is your marriage, not anyone else’s. You just need to make it clear that if either of you changes your minds, then you will talk about it at that time. Keep in mind what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.
(USA) My wife and I have not had sex for almost 6 months. I am 37 and she is 35 and we have been married for 7 years. There have been several dry spells in our marriage but this is undoubtedly the longest one. We had our fourth child 10 weeks ago, and she says that the combination of the pregnancy, taking care of the other children, and her general level of fatigue has pretty much eliminated her interest in sex.
We are both Christians and she accepts the biblical concept of mutual submission, and not being apart except for short periods and only by mutual consent. The problem is not a lack of knowledge or proper worldview. I frequently communicate with her how deprived I feel, but her response is that she is just so tired, and she struggles just to get through the day to get to bed so she can sleep. I know she feels guilty about not meeting my needs, and she is terribly frustrated about the situation. She is in a constant state of exasperation because of her fatigue.
I have pursued every way that I can conceive of to help her with her fatigue. She has seen numerous sleep therapists and they cannot diagnose her with any medical problems. She has been prescribed six different sleep medications and none of them have helped her. We have help that cleans the house 2-3 times a month, and I try to help out as much as I can with the housework and the children. I am home every night, and I try to take over the household duties so she can go to bed by 8:00. This gives her 10-12 hours in bed each night but she has trouble sleeping and is still exhausted all the time.
Early in our marriage, we had a decent sex life but having kids seems to have extinguished it completely. This is driving us apart and I am settling into a sullen depression about it. For me the scary thought is that my wife is only 35, and I wonder what her energy level will be at 40, 45, 50, 55… and so on. As a Christian I am not going to leave her, and my hope and prayer is that somehow our initimacy will return. However, this seems less and less likely as time goes on, so I am just praying for the strength to accept the situation, if nothing changes.
(AUSTRALIA) Ok, I believe the Question was how much MAKING LOVE is normal or good (not an average over 60% are dissatisfied, can’t include them) for a healthy, loving, caring, mature, honoring one another, confident fun marriage to be fruitFULL, all encompassing, fulfilling every area of ONE’S (together) marriage before our Creator in heaven. I know I added a few things to spice it up a bit, ha hah, however, is this the Question we all want answered???
A: Dont ask me! However this is what I’ve discovered… which may help. It hasnt helped me yet, however, I’m still trying to put it all together. Firstly, this is the first time I have ever posted anything in my life period. I LOVE MY WIFE AND WOULD RATHER DIE (and considered it) THAN TO CAUSE HARM OR UPSET TO MY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, DESERVING WIFE. She is a deeply committed Christian, she is an incredible mother to our three lovely children, goes to gym regularly, and has quite a social life with other women, coffee, church meetings, prayer time and talk time with them regularly, etc, etc, and I am truly and honestly happy for her to be doing what she enjoys most at any cost. Ok, that’s where I’m at, totally in the Lords hands, I cant breathe without him!
I am so miserable with the way she treats me, like I can wait for everything (and of course that), the second fiddle, the carrot chaser but can’t get to the carrot. I’m warn out, empty, lost a lot of weight, lonely, constant aching in the left testicle and surrounds, regular head aches, no appetite, can hardly sleep. The thought of sacrificing our marriage and hurt to the children, to leave and find someone more compatible sickens me to death.
Whenever I try to talk about how I’m feeling, I just get told I have a lust problem or any variation of that and that I need help or deliverance or am told to grow up, or she doesn’t want to talk about it because its ‘abuse’ etc, etc. She says that there are more important things in a marriage than ‘just sex’ (what she labels it as). We have sex sometimes 2-3 times a month she says, and that that is normal and I should be happy I’m getting anything and I should not complain. She just rolls over. I do my thing and feel worse than what I did before, occasionally it’s a little more personable and is sometimes encouraging, but she mostly loses the climax, opens her eyes and says I can just come. It sucks even to be sharing this stuff… but I’m literally at the end.
I don’t consider myself to be unattractive, but man, do I feel so worthless, betrayed, rejected, disgusting and drained. I want to go see God and ask him myself… What is going on down there? Is this your way? Or has someone’s movement hijacked and twisted your word again to manipulate the emotionally, outwardly appearing wordly driven New Age Christian. Man, if you ask me most the men today are caught up in dressing more like women (hairstyles, clothing, body language, etc) and a lot of women are caught up in being more like men.
Approximately 60% or more (men and women both) claim they are unhappy with less than 1-2 times a week and both admit this causes all sorts of wandering blaming game fruitless problems (tired, finances, don’t do enough for me, etc, etc, we all know them), so that leaves 40% who must be doing something right.
And some of those other and older folks who have been amazingly stable throughout their whole marriages are still doing it 3-5 times a week at age 60-70. WOW!! I am inspired and their is hope for us. We are not the ones with the problem. However, we will suffer and take the blame of your hidden sins and blatant dishonor of spouse and your Creator. May God Bless you all in your marriage vows and commitments. There is ONLY One Way, The Way. S
(USA) This is my first time posting on a site, but I am up yet again at 4:30 am, emotionally and sexually frustrated. We have been married 13 years and I am in my late 30’s. We recently went through difficult times where my husband was frequenting porn sites and having cyber sex. I was devastated and we separated.
We have been back together for less than 2 months and after the second week back, I complained of not enough sex. Sex for me, includes a longing to feel that my husband desires me and finds me attractive. He was able to have cyber sex and masturbate with porn several times per week. It seems that my body puts him to sleep. We have sex usually about 3 x per month. When we do, it is awesome. When we go more than 1 week, I can’t sleep if he is in the bed with me.
I have told him that I feel unattractive and unloved. When I think of how he was able to have cyber sex with the same girl with NO problem, I feel HORRIBLE because it seems that he is saying that I am not good enough. When we have sex, I am VERY versatile and try to take us to new heights EVERY time. This is the way I’ve always been, even when I was too tired to have sex.
I love pleasing my husband but it seems that he doesn’t have the same desire. He is a nice man and I’ve told him all of this, but he has chosen not to respond to me. Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated. For all those who have experienced infidelity, remember that one of the keys to repairing is making the offended person feel attractive. This will improve every aspect of the marriage as this will be one of the main things questioned consciously and subconsciously.
I’m praying as I’m struggling because there are several men that would love to have me and have made it clear that they would be ok just performing oral sex on me. I have not done it… Pray for me please, as they are always offering an emotional connection too.
(USA) Ask yourself this question. Are you the perfect partner for him? Do you buy him trinkets and give him massages? Perhaps you should take over paying all the bills and let him stay home and watch TV or go to Yoga? How about when you have sex, is it all about him satisfying you? Do you communicate with him or just lie there and then berate him for not doing “enough”. Perhaps you get frustrated with his inability to satisfy you and perhaps use the next several days to give him the “cold shoulder”? Perhaps you tell him that your mother told you not to be with him because he is a bum? Maybe you should tell him about all the other guys that would be so much better at satisfying you? What about the approach of telling him that he is pathetic and that you only faked your orgasms from the beginning? Each time you pull a rod out of the reactor the temperature goes up.
My point is that a man usually isn’t adverse to having sex with a lady who is into the experience too and is eager to experience and participate. Most men don’t want to get their ego’s slammed or to have to pay the passive-aggressive games simply to get laid. If it sucks for you to be with him, then it probably sucks for him to be with you. One or the other needs to “up the game”. Since this is a Christian forum, it might be a good place to start by giving some forgiveness and reinspecting your own conscience. God doesn’t turn the universe on a dime because you’ve suddenly experienced a speed bump. This is an opportunity to grow as a person, and the question is whether your are up to it or whether you just “want what you want” and if he doesn’t provide it, there are other fish in the sea.
(USA) Just another couple words to clarify my post.
After my first divorce I dated a little, and I found that when I first met the ladies, it was all about their no-good-blankety-blank es-husbands -they themselves were all purity and light in those early times. After several dates however the truth started to leak out and their little agendas started to show and the deeper, darker personality started to come forth. (Mind you, I am well aware that we are all flawed beings so in no way am I trying to pass judgement here.)
One was a habitual gambler, another was a liar, the third was a manic depressive. After a few weeks of dating all of pretenses were disappearing and I was discovering that I didn’t like the person who at first I thought was “someone special”. God forbid I’d have done a quick marriage with any of them!
My point is that we all deceive ourselves. We measure ourselves by our “intent” and we measure others by their “actions”. We are all really nice people and we would *never* do such and such. “Oops! I did it again – TeeHee”.
So when do we get serious then? When our partner turns out not to be “Mr perfect” because my high school boyfriend looked cooler? At some level honesty and practicality need to penetrate through the haze of emotion and self-deception. If you want a lifelong relationship then you’d better get the right tools to deal with it.
(USA) Up until about 3 weeks ago my wife, and I were in a similar situation as many of you, and while my drive is still a bit higher than her’s we have really increased our frequency. Since New Years day we’ve made love 6 times in the last 9 days. 3 of those on New Years day itself.
We’ve been together for 17 years, and married for 14 of those. When we started dating at 13 we didn’t wait very long before the first time we made love, and we made love every chance we got. Even after we had our first son at 16, and got married 5 months later on New Years Day in 1998. It was 2 years later after our daughter was born before the love making really died down. By this time we had moved out of my parent’s house into a rental town house, and then into the home we live in now. Over the last 12 years we had let our relationship slide into just being about the kids, and work with the occasional love making. For about the first 8 or 9 years of those 12 we made love less than twice a month. I even remember a few times when we didn’t make love for a couple of months at a time.
About 4 or 5 years ago we started making love a little more often about 3 maybe 4 times a month. However that was because she wanted to have a couple more children before we hit 30. Now we are 30 with a 14 yr old son who can’t stand his 12 yr old sister, but is so fantastically loving with his little brothers (3yrs, and 19mos) that the 3 of them get down on the floor together, and play all the time. My 3 yr old cries every time my oldest son has to get on his bus for school.
About 5 years ago my wife started working where I work, and for the first time in a long time we were on the same schedule, but even so we still didn’t quite click back into how we were in our youth. About 3 weeks ago I got transferred into her department at work which is like going home for me since I worked in that department for the first 4 years I worked there. The beautiful thing about working the same department is actually several things. hehe First we sit together at all of our breaks, and kind of flirt a little back, and forth be it words or looks, or now her bragging about the neighbors telling us to “shut the f* up” on New Years (we live in a half of a duplex, and I guess they heard us through the wall). I swear in 12 years of living here that has never happened before. They didn’t bother doing that again when we went at it an hour later.
Second we stand next to each other in department meetings, and glimpse at each other all night, and the third though it might hurt our finances a bit I think it’ll be well worth it, and has been so far is that on Fridays our department offers half VTOs (voluntary time off). So we go to work for 5 hours, and then we go home at midnight, and since the kids are at my parents house where they baby sit them we have the whole house to ourselves.
It was about 5 weeks ago that my wife revealed to me that a big part of her lower sex drive was the sexual abuse she suffered as a child. Finally I knew what part of the problem was. Of course then I realized that increasing our frequency of love making was only half of my mission, and not even the more important half. The more important half was to help her face her past which she had buried deep in her heart, and had caused her to put up the wall she added onto after we had our daughter. It was through the search for help for her that I found this website. I studied everything I could find on heeling from child hood sexual abuse. She had actually been sexually abused by 2 different men. Her baby sitter for a couple of years, and once by one of her mother’s boy friends after her parents divorced. Thank God her mom didn’t marry him even though my wife never told her mom about that.
So what I did after studying was I wrote her a letter on the computer over the course of many hours for 2 days trying to really make sure that I worded everything as carefully as possible. She never read the letter, but a couple nights before Christmas we left all of the kids at home leaving our 14 yr old son in charge, and went to go get some last minute gifts off layaway. I figured that if any time was perfect to talk about this it was right then. So I started talking to her about our lives together starting from the very beginning, and working through how her abuse had impacted our dating, and our marriage. When we got home that night we made love, and for the first time ever that wall that she had put up around her heart at 6 years old was GONE. It was the best we had ever had, and since then we’ve made love about 13 times in 3 weeks.
I guess the best way to close this is to say that the best way to bring back the sex is to bring back the togetherness. Make time to sit, and talk just the 2 of you. Not find time, but MAKE time. Get some of the soothing vapor bed time bath for the little ones, and they’ll go straight to sleep, or drop the kids off at the grand parents for the night. What ever you have to do to find time to TALK. That is where your love began, talking, learning about each other. After years of marriage where you’re dealing with kids, and work all the time you need to reconnect the way you originally did all those years ago. Once you’ve talked, and reconnected then you need to put the romance back into your love life. Don’t just put the kids to bed, and go jump in the sack. Play some video games, put on some of your old love songs you danced to as kids, watch a romantic comedy, what ever you liked to do together before you let things slip. Then go take a shower together, and by the time you get done washing each other there’s no other possible ending, but fantastic loving.
(INDIA) What I feel is that if your wife is avoiding sex on weekends, then there is a problem. The moment you say it is mechanical then there is no point continue with the activity. One thing I have experienced is that women knows how you have touched her, with love or without love. So all the husbands have to be cautious with there moves. Don’t do it for the sake of it.
(USA) I don’t kow where to begin. I’ve been married for almost 9yrs now, adopted my only child from my wife’s first marriage 8 yrs ago a year after we got married. When we first married sex was great… had it 2-3 times a week. Then it slowly dropped and now is pretty well non-existant for the last 3-4 years. I see these other posts having an average of once a month. I could only wish to have that. We average 2-3 times a year!
She says she don’t feel sexy etc, etc. But I tell her all the time she’s cute, hot and I want her. We call each other pet names, and I bend over backward to make her happy as well as our daughter. But I feel like an outsider and just a tagalong. I need the emotional and sexual side of this marriage back. I’m very frustrated and don’t know what to do.
As one person put in one of the earlier posts (pg 1 or so) this is going to cause a stumbling block. I’m only human and confess that I’m sinful… I just don’t even want to go there, but hard when I’m not “getting it” when I desire it at least once a week. PLEASE HELP ME LORD!
(USA) Mike, You said you need the emotional, and sexual side of your marriage back. The thing is that the emotional side is the key to the sexual side. Aside from the reduction in frequency of love making what other areas of the emotional side have you noticed to be lacking? (Conversation (*big big issue), kissing, hand holding)
It might be that you, and your wife have fallen into the same marriage defeating rhythm that I’d assume all marriages fall into at one point or another. That being the rhythm of work, and kids, work, and kids. Once you fall into this rhythm there is only one thing to do MAKE time to just be together with each other. Drop your daughter off on a baby sitter, or family member, and start the evening together talking about your relationship. How you met, your first date, and so on. Then together see if you can figure out why the love making has gone down hill.
My wife and I are 30, and have been together since we were 13 yrs old 17 yrs ago. We’ve been married for 14 years. Our love making has waxed, and waned over the years, but for a long time we had gotten into a rut where we’d only make love once a month or once a week if I was really lucky, and even then I had to beg for it. So recently we had just such a talk as I recommended you have with your wife at the end of December the Thursday before Christmas, and our love making went from once maybe twice a week that I had to beg for, to (and I’m not trying to brag here I’m just letting you know that it is possible to turn things around completely) 15 times in the first 18 days of this month so far, and I haven’t had to be the one starting it all the time, and forget about begging.
Our decrease was due to her memories of abuse as a little girl, and because of that abuse she had put up a wall to keep people from hurting her heart again. So when she told me that, that was the problem I started looking for a way to help her through it even though she had told me she just wanted to leave it in the past. So after finding this site, and reading every article I could find on how women had faced their past, and found freedom from their past I knew she had to face it, and that I needed to share in the weight of her burden.
So I spent several hours over the course of 2 mornings typing her a letter going over our relationship from beginning to that point, and left it up for her to see when she went on the computer. When she didn’t go on the computer, and see it I decided I had to “man up”, and actually talk about it with her. So while we were out alone with out the kids I started talking with her about our lives together following my memory of the letter as a guide to push the conversation into her telling me everything about her abuse so that she would face it head on with me right there with her to take some of the burden off of her. It worked, and when we got home we made love for the first time in our life together with out that wall, and every time since has been mind blowing.
Now after you have that conversation with her keep the line of communication open so that you won’t fall back into that rut. We actually had an “incident” about 2 weeks ago where there was a little bit of confusion:
What’s funny is that even with all the times we’ve made love this month there was one day that we had a break down in the communication between us. You see we have 4 children, but only 2 of them are in school. So we take turns watching the little ones. I stay up until noon, and then she gets up until out daughter gets home then she comes back to bed. On one such afternoon, I was laying there dreaming about making love with my wife, and she came back, and laid down half stirring me from my dream. She had teased me sexually on the way home that morning, so I was dreaming about her, and in my dream she was naked making love with me, so when she actually laid down wearing her clothes it didn’t blend right.
So there I was still dreaming about her, and trying to make love to her while still asleep. Next thing I hear which is what roused me from my dream completely was “Get off of me!” I snapped awake and was just like huh? What? And she said that I kept trying to pull off her underwear. Rather than arguing with her I just rolled over, left her alone like she asked, and went back to sleep. It wasn’t until the next morning on the way home that I explained that when she came back there she disturbed my dream about her, and that I was actually still dreaming about her when I was trying to strip her. She didn’t know what to say. At first said that I was probably dreaming about other women, which I reassured her was wrong, and then she said that maybe she needed to take me to a psychologist about that. To the second response I told her the psychologist would probably tell her she was lucky that I dream about her instead of other women. It was after that when she really started coming onto me more. I suppose that she finally understands that I don’t care about her waist line, I love her just the way she is.
So what you need to do is write her a letter to guide your words, so when talk to her alone about your issues you’ll be able to keep the conversation on track. I really hope this helps.
(CANADA) I am a 30-year-old female and I have been with my husband for 7 years. Prior to getting engaged we had a very healthy sex life. A couple months leading up to the marriage I noticed things changing. We were having sex less frequently and I was starting to get worried. On our wedding night we never had sex. The following morning we tried to be intimate, to no avail. The honeymoon was a disaster. We were intimate 1X. We even slept in separate beds at one point because he complained of a sunburn. Worst week of my life. Once we came home to face married life it was all downhill. Sex was 1X/month if that sometimes. I couldn’t take much more and threatened to leave on numerous occasions. We fell into the horrible habit of no sex, fight, make up, things get better for a while and then low and behold back to no sex A vicious circle.
Approximately one year ago we started talking about having children. I know, right! I was extrenely forward about the ways things were in our relationship. Things needed to change or there wouldn’t be any kids or a marriage for that matter. He then started putting forth an effort into our sex life. 1X/moth became 1X/week and then it slowly increased to 2-3X/week with prompting+++. I was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. That spring we pulled the goalie, going to try for a baby. Things were going good but I could notice something was not right. Was he just having sex with me so we could get pregnant? Is this why things are changing because he certainly doesn’t seem enaged prior to the act or during. Is it a chore to just make a baby? These are questions that were consuming me. I approached him on a few occasions about same. He was completely insulted that I would even ask. He would tell me I was obsessed with sex and that is all I think about. I would try and explain to him how I feel and he would find a way to twist the conversation to make me look like the bad guy.
So then, I had enough. That was it. I was leaving. I want a husband who wants me, desires me and who initiates and actually wants to have sex with me. I am going to do him a favor and leave. We are both better off…BUT THEN…guess what??? One pregnancy test later and WTF. Thats right. Go figure. I am pregnant. Now what?
So with everything going on we were finally able to commucate and talk things out. Even though there was a lot of turmoil we seemed to turn it around and be happy and excited for this baby. Things were looking up. Sex was more frequent and he was initiating more. I was pregnant already so he wasn’t just trying to make a baby right? I finally could breathe after 7 years of marriage.
2 months ago I miscarried. I was devastated; he was devastated. I am still dealing wtih things emotionally and he seems to be over it now. We are butting heads because now I feel he is pulling away from me again intimately. I flat out asked him if he has a low libito. He said he isn’t very interested in sex and pretty much only does it because I push for it so often. He thinks I am obsessed and that is all I think about. I try and tell him how it makes me feel but he gets angry and pushes me away. This guys idea of communication is 1 word answer…yup, uh huh, whatever you think. Makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs.
So we are back to that place again. Fighting about sex and how often we have it. We even tried the other day and he could’t get an erection. He won’t do counselling or see anymore doctors. He has tried erectile dysfunctions pills to help with performance and self esteem but he is clearly disinterested. He feels this is my problem, I should just get over it and accpet him for him. He has stated he is happy in this marriage even though I am crying my eyes out to him and desperate for affection.
I have told him that I just want him to make it a priorty. We need to work at it and I will do whatever it takes. I will even shut my mouth as long as I see an effort. I don’t know. I want to know what it feels like to have my husband want me. He has even admitted that he doesn’t masturbate. That can’t be normal right? I am 30 and he is 34. What is going to happen if we have kids and when we get older? Can this actually be fixed or am I delusional already?
(USA) Well, I just don’t understand. Sounds like we are in the same boat. I wrote the post before you. If you find an answer please let me know. It’s not like I’m a nypho or something, I just like sex on a regular basis. I believe it brings each other closer, a great stress relief, while having a great time.
(UK) It’s been a revelation reading some of these posts. It’s good to know my scenario (sexless marriage with almost unbearable frustration and putting up with it for my kids) is not unusual. I’m surprised there are women who have the same problem though. I guess life’s full of bum deals.
(UK) For the record, I’m far from blameless in my failing on the no-strings romance thing. It’s just impossible when you are sick with frustration having gone without for a couple of months. Anyway, the way back when real reason for the downward spiral was my failure to pull my weight with the housework. Thinking that washing-up could sow the seeds to ruin your life would be funny if it wasn’t a bit tragic.
(USA) I’m a man and I’m appalled at the ladies here that see men as objects to be used by them. Entering into committed relationships with the men and then changing their whim’s midstream. More cynical than that, they use the Christian belief system to aid them in controlling their men.
They say “the man must be stable, provide a good home, assist in raising the children, provide for paying bills and supporting them and the children. Help them clean and care for the nest. Men must be “pure” and never indulge in “that evil Fornication” and heaven forbid, pressing their poor wives for an occasional show of physical affection.” In exchange, a good Christian man should of course expect nothing from the woman since she’s the “prima donna”, she paid the ultimate sacrifice and permitted his DNA to mix with hers to produce babies. In fact, women should be allowed to shop nonstop and prowl the malls while their “good Christian men” are working at 1 or 2 jobs to keep them in Gucci bags. Not so good for the man but just great for the woman. So behind the haute Coture beats the stone cold heart of an ice princess.
I hope you sensed the sarcasm here. A woman would tell a man who is worried about his wifes attentions that he needs to “up his game” and give her dinners out, massages, buy her trinkets, etc. But you women complain about your men not giving you attention and it is because they are dogs and they don’t deserve strong and wonderful women like yourselves.
Lets be Christian here. Men and women have different plumbing but are pretty much the same overall. Some different hormones and such, but survival and competition is essentially the same. Women love to be loved. Men love to be loved. Love a woman and then make her regret it or love a man and make him regret it. In either case you end up with a cold biscuit. As always, forgiveness and love are close at hand, but it is up to the quality of the person to decide which it is.
(USA) Al, I’m a man, and I’m appalled at your disregard of marriage. I read all 3 of your posts, and I’ve gotta say that as a man myself you seem to really have your concept of what marriage is, to be really warped. How many times have you been married, and divorced? In your first post earlier up (going by the mannerisms, and your repeated use of the term “up the game”) you said “After my first divorce”. So I’m guessing there have been at least 2 divorces. I’m also going to guess by your wording of your posts that you blame your ex wives for the divorces. Wouldn’t it be fair to say that after the second time you might want to do some soul searching, and see if it was you that had made at least some of the mistakes?
In fact this line right here: “Men must be ‘pure’ and never indulge in ‘that evil Fornication’ and heaven forbid, pressing their poor wives for an occasional show of physical affection” indicates to me that quite possibly one of the reasons for at least one of your divorces was your infidelity. If you aren’t faithful to your wife then do you really think you deserve to have her allow you to have sex with her? I say no. You vowed to “forsake all others, and cling to each other” that is one of the MOST important parts of the marriage vows, and if you don’t do this then you really don’t love your wife.
I’ve been with the same girl since we were 13 years old. Ever since a couple of weeks after I prayed, and asked God to send me the woman he wanted me to marry. As such I feel that I need to take care of her, and protect her since she is a gift from God. Unfortunately I made the mistake of unwrapping that gift too early, and we had our first son at 16, and then got married. However our wedding at 16 WAS NOT a “shot gun wedding”. We had been planning on getting married since before we got pregnant with our son, and had spoken the marriage vows between us, and God out in the woods the summer before we got pregnant. We are now 30 almost 31, and have now been married for 17 years, have a 14 yr old son a 12 yr old daughter, a 3 yr old son, and a 20 mo old son, and we work together as equals. We BOTH do dishes, laundry, and the other household chores when the kids don’t do their end of it. We both work, and we discuss our expenses, and decide what higher dollar items either of us are going to buy. We have worked through hard times in our marriage both financially, and sexually. We are 100% each other’s equal, and as such neither of us “controls” the other. She is, and has been my best friend from day one.
If your sex life with your wife starts getting slower, and slower then you need slow down yourself, and reconnect with your wife. You also need to make sure you know EVERYTHING about your wife to be’s life BEFORE you go, and jump into marriage, and just assume that your sex life is going to be great without any emotional work. Statistically speaking national surveys of adult women have shown that 9%-28% of the women who were polled had been the victim of sexual abuse or assault in childhood. On the other side of the statistics 1 in 6 boys are molested by the age of 16. These sexual abusers ruin these children’s lives, and make their marriages as adults MUCH more work. Unfortunately those who are abused are scarred, and scared to such a degree that they don’t want to, or in some cases basically can’t tell their spouses about the abuse, and as such it is the silent killer of their marriage.
My wife was the victim of such abuse when she was a young girl, and that ended up making her more promiscuous during her teen years, and then withdrawn after our daughter was born because she feared that our daughter would be the victim of such abuse as well. Add to that the physical abuse her biological father inflicted on her, her mother, and her brother until her mother finally left him, and you can see that she was an emotional wreck. This basically killed our sex life at around 18-19, and we only made love once a month to once every couple of months for about 2 or 3 years after our daughter was born. Which increased to once every couple of weeks around 23-24. Most of the time I had to almost beg her for it.
This continued until December 2011 when she explained that it was because of her sexual abuse that she didn’t really enjoy sex as much as I did. So armed with that information I started searching for a way to help her as that is what a caring Christian husband like myself should do. Which is when I came upon this website. I read through several of the articles on here about how women who had been sexually abused as children had over come those memories, and gone on to have happier lives with their husbands. I then wrote a letter to my wife to get her to open up to me completely, and then using the letter to guide the conversation I talked to her about our life together, how her abuse had affected me as well, and how by keeping at arms length she was allowing her abuser to keep abusing her. Through this she finally opened up, and even faced things that she had never allowed herself to admit had even happened. Having shared the weight of those memories with me she finally has that light back in her eyes, and add to that the fact that we’ve been going out on dates together to help us even further reconnect, and our sex life has exploded surpassing even that of our teen years.
What I’m saying is that IF you had the courage to stay, and do the hard work of marriage then you’d probably still be with your FIRST wife. Marriage ISN’T easy it is WORK, but that work can be fun (well most of it, some like our discussion of her abuse was FAR from fun, and just down right hurts, but that needed to be done for me to help her carry that weight). If you really love your spouse then you will be willing to do that work both the fun, and the painful so that your spouse will know that you are their strong shoulder that they can lean on when they don’t have the strength to carry that weight by themselves.
You can’t go back, and undo the wrongs you’ve done, but do you have the courage, and will power to do the right things going forward? Are you a man of courage, or are you just another coward?
(USA) I guess I am in a sexless marriage according to the standars this article sets. My wife and I have always had different sex drives. I’m more of a once or twice a week guy and she used to be a once a month gal. I could live with that, but once my first child was born, her sex drive dropped to near zero and has remained there for the rest of our marriage. We now have sex 3 to 5 times a year. We have been married for 30 plus years.
I talked to her about the issue several times many years ago and it helped for a while but she never really seemed to enjoy sex. She rarely turned me down for sex but she made it apparent she was not interested and she never initiated sex herself. She treated it like a chore, like mowing the lawn or doing dishes. I got really tired of being treated like a chore and seriously considered divorce but then she got pregnant with our second child, by some miracle, since we rarely had sex and she was on birth control.
Well, being a child of a broken home, there is no way I am going to leave my daughter, so I have learned to live with the situation. I have resorted to masturbation and pornography for my own satisfaction. I often feel guilty about this but I don’t see an alternative. I’m unwilling to have an affair.
I won’t leave my daughter, my son is grown so he is not an issue. She is not particularly willing to change. Celibacy is certainly not going to work. I don’t know what else to do. Hopefully as we age my sex drive will drop and hers will increase until we find a happy medium.
(USA) John have you read any of my posts? If so you’ll note that the times you talked to her about it you were on the right track, but you put the locomotive up to full throttle too quickly. There is most likely an underlying cause to your wife’s reduced sex drive. How much do you know about her childhood, and teen years?
When you talked to her you were focused too intensely on your own problem (little to no sex), but instead you should focus on her problems that are causing your problem. On top of that you, and your wife are probably stuck in the work, and kids rhythm. When was the last time you and she went to a movie, or put on some songs from when you were kids, and danced around the living room? When was the last time you grabbed her by the hips as she was walking by you, and just gave her a hug, or reached over, and held her hand as you were driving down the highway? Do you ever just sit there, and look at her until she asks what you’re staring at her for? If she asked would you remember what you should say? You know just because you’re married it doesn’t mean that you can just stop courting.
I know that you’ve been married longer than I’ve been alive, but I like to think that by learning from other couples mistakes including my parents’, and my wife’s parents’ that I’ve found the secret to marriage longevity. Also I’ve often been told that due to how young my wife, and I were when we started out we are more like 40, or 50 year olds with how long we’ve been married, and as such I am slightly wiser than my years.
You see my wife, and I are 30 yrs old, and we’ve been together since we were 13, and married since we were 16. In the last 17 years we’ve faced infidelity (on her part due to the effects of her childhood molestation), teen pregnancy (twice), the near loss of our oldest son when we were 16 due to a double vascular ring which thank God was fixed w/ surgery, the sudden slow down of her sex drive after our daughter was born which lasted for several years (we’ll come back to this), our daughter having scoliosis, and financial problems due to loss of her income for several months out of 2 of the last 4 years due to pregnancies. We’ve been able to come through all of this by God’s grace, and our love.
I thank God everyday for my wife since when I was 13, 2 weeks before my wife, and I met I was just a lonely young man who wanted a girlfriend, and no girl had ever given me a chance. The pastor of my church at the time gave a sermon on how God is like the good father who gives his children what they need, and want if it’s good for them, and said that if you ask God for something, and it’s His will for you to have it then He’ll give it to you. So wanting a girlfriend I began to ask God for a girlfriend, but then as I began to ask for that it occurred to me that God wouldn’t send me a girlfriend. I mean what would be the point? So at 13 yrs old I asked God to send me the woman He wanted me to marry, and I met my wife 2 weeks later. Unfortunately it took me 2 more months to get up the courage to ask her out. So since she is a gift from God I treat my wife as the most precious person in the world to me.
As I said before though we were teen parents twice so needless to say I “unwrapped” the gift earlier than I should have. Which in some ways I really regret, but if I hadn’t we wouldn’t have our 14 yr old son, and when her parents moved when we were 16 she’d of moved with them, and we might not still be together, but God does move in mysterious ways and because of her being pregnant she had already moved in with my family when her parents had to move.
It was just a few months before we found out she was pregnant when she told me about her infidelity, which was a multifold issue. One she needed to stop hanging out with guys she thought were her friends, 2 I needed to get my parents to stop sending her home so early, and the other part which I didn’t know about at that time was that her being molested had been the cause of her thinking she had no choice once those guys had her alone. So how we dealt with this was I had my parents let her stay over my house after I got home from track, and field practice, and we “married” each other before God out in the woods. So a couple of months later one summer evening after football practice we were swimming, and she seemed very distant. So I asked her what was wrong, and that is when she told me about the abuse she had suffered, and that she was tense because she had seen him in her neighborhood that day. She said that she just wanted to put it in her past, and we didn’t discuss it again until around mid December when she found his mug shot on the internet for a traffic violation in another state.
Unfortunately even though we hadn’t discussed her abuse for 15 years it had affected us for several of those years after our daughter was born. From the time she was born until she turned 8 or 9 our sex life became almost non-existent. I’m talking once every 1 to 2 or 3 months if I was lucky (so yeah around 5-7 times a year like you, and your wife now), and that was with a whole heck of a lot of begging.
I think the reason her sex drive picked up some when our daughter turned 8 or 9 was that her biological clock was ticking, and she wanted another child before we turned 30. So we went from once every 1 to 3 months to once every 2 or 3 weeks. God saw fit to bless us with 2 more sons since then.
As I said though back in December the problem of our sex life was revealed to me in full when I asked her why it seemed like there was a wall between us. She said it’s always been there because of her being sexually abused when she was little, and that the abuse was why she didn’t enjoy sex as much as I do. So I went on the net looking for a way to help her over come her past, and found this site, and the topics on here that deal with how women have over come their past sexual abuse. After that I spent 2 mornings writing her a letter about our lives together, and how her abuse had not only affected her, but me as well, and that if she’d let me I wanted to help her carry that weight she felt due to her past, and indeed even though she hadn’t given me any of the weight off of her I had been carrying it right along with her for years. She never read it, but it allowed me to organize the discussion with her a couple of days before Christmas that began the reparation of our marriage. We also began going out on dates, and being the friends to each other we were when we were teens.
Since we had that talk when we make love it’s no longer me begging her it is far more mutual, and FAR more often. 20 times last month. Yes 20. I tell you this not to brag, but to let you know that when you, and your wife are completely open with each other, and you return to courting, and the friendship that lead to your marriage to begin with you’ll find that your intimacy will increase far more than you could possibly imagine.
So write her a letter to get your thoughts together, then find some time, some place away from the kids, and find out what HER problem is. Trust me taking care of her problem WILL take care of your problem.
(ALBANIA) 15 times a year; it’s okay.
(USA) I’m the husband that doesn’t want to have sex with his wife in this article.
Some guys don’t like to have sex with overweight women. I’m one of them. My wife was a decent size before we got married and before the kids, but she’s let herself gain weight and thinks there are no consequences. Any attempt to tell her that that could be part of the issue starts a fight. It was not be dream to grow up and be with a fat wife, its depressing. I try to be nice and live one day at at time.
Even if we were to have a great sex life, it wouldn’t matter if your still young and with someone that is overweight. In my mind she’s already given up on life looking like that.
(USA) Tony, That’s really mean. She was a “decent size”? What does that mean? 130, 150 what?
When our wives have our children any weight that they gain is just as much OUR faults as it is theirs. When my wife, and I met at 13 she weighed 120lbs, and I weighed about 240-250lbs. After having our first son she got back down to around 140, and I was down to 220 (all muscle from football), but after our daughter she had a mild form of postpartum depression (not the kill your kid kind, more the mother hen kind. For more about that just look at some of my other posts about when we weren’t as sexually active), and had trouble losing the weight so she stayed around 225-230lbs.
I let myself go too, topping our at 410lbs until she got pregnant w/ each of our last 2 sons getting back down to 245 after Jacob, and now back down to 225lbs 20mos after Josh. I’m now down to 390lbs (I’ve been fluctuating for a couple of years between the upper 370s, and the 390s). She goes to Curves, it’s a gym just for women where they don’t have to be embarrassed about their weight, or have guys gawking at them. If your wife gives it a try tell her she should try Zumba. My wife loves it, and when she does it on the Wii at home it’s really fun to watch.
I told you all that to try to get you to understand that when you look at your wife, and this goes for EVERY man who reads this: You aren’t to just look at what her body looks like now, but rather see her through the eyes of the first time you saw her. It is comparing her now to then that will make your eyes start wandering more, and more, and eventually it won’t just be your eyes. When you look at your wife remember that you are looking at the MOST precious gift God gave you, and if you have kids then they are just that gift multiplied.
If she doesn’t want to go to the gym, or to Curves then try to see if she’d like to go for a walk after dinner some time. Get a Wii, and play Wii sports w/ her. Have lots more sex, hey let’s face it that’s the best form of exercise God gave us.
Bottom line is that the WAY you are approaching the situation is all wrong, and you need to be more sensitive to her feelings about her weight. Your teasing is just going to depress her, and make her gain more weight. So be nice, and love your wife right.
(GHANA) My husband has neva been faithful. He fantasizes about other women during sex. We have sex twice a month. I want more. I feel so frustrated.
(UK) I found it impossible to read the entire article because I have never, in my life, read anything that badly written.