So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) Oh my, so much bitterness. My husband and I have been married a little over a year and we only have sex once a month. I feel hurt and not wanted. I don’t understand what’s wrong. Often I feel like there is something wrong with me. He used to like making love but now it seems he doesn’t. I’m confused and I feel rejected. I’m very worried this is going to get worse. I want to talk to him about my feelings but every time I try he seems to be busy doing somthing more important or has to go somewhere. Feeling sad, frustrated, and alone…..
(USA) I’m a wife who is 50 years old, and my husband is 51. I never thought there would be so many couples with sex problems! I thought every one was like us. We have a very healthy sex life that is mixed with love. Sex is good but not as much as when you make love, with kisses, caress,and holding hands.
For us, it’s important to do it every morning so our day goes great!! Making love helps us to express our feelings for each other and how much we care.
(USA) Well, my situation is about as bad as can be imagined. My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. We started dating as teenagers.
I always thought we had great sex together, though the amount of sex that we had varied over the years. We were together for almost ten years before we got married. After we got married, the amount of sex we had dropped dramatically. Eventually, I started complaining about it. I suggested watching porn to get her in the mood, and she was open to it. So we went through a period where we’d watch porn and then have lots of sex. I started worrying that if she didn’t watch porn, she’d have no desire to have sex at all.
In spite of all the years we’ve been together, we’ve actually had a pretty rocky relationship. A lot of that has to do with the fact that we met at such a young age, and we’re both aspiring artists who never achieved success and had to figure out a “plan B”. So there’s a lot of water under the bridge. My wife also developed obsessive complusive disorder and has lots of health issues (though nothing life threatening). So this is also a cause of friction between us.
About 8 years ago, after yet another one of her many health crisises, I was ready to get a divorce. She was going through a very bad time with family issues and was depressed. I knew that if I walked out on her that I could start over, but she would probably shrivel up and die if she never had a child. I knew that having a child was the only thing that would give her a sense of purpose in her life. So we decided to try to have a baby together, after years of putting it off, due to our artistic aspirations, and the fact that neither of us were “kid people”.
I figured that if she couldn’t get pregnant (she was already in her early 40s) I could always have the option to get a divorce. And if she did get pregnant, maybe having a child would bring us closer together. And if she got pregnant and it still didn’t bring us closer together, then at least we had a child to show for all the years we spent together, and I could get a divorce at some point.
I had no clue what fate awaited me. Yes, she got pregnant and we have a beautiful son, who we both adore. And no, it didn’t bring us closer together, in fact, it gave us 100 new things to argue over. As overprotective as my mother was, my wife is 10 times worse. She thinks our son is Jesus Christ. Nothing I did in regards to him met up to her expectations. She wouldn’t even let me take him anywhere by myself, because she trusts NO ONE with him, even though I’m more conscientious than 90% of most mothers, let alone most fathers.
When she got pregnant, she didn’t want to have sex, because she was afraid it might somehow hurt the baby. Considering her advanced age, I was willing to go along with her. So that was 9 months of no sex. Then, she had a C section and had to recover from that, so several more months of no sex. Then, she had to have back surgery, and had to recover from that, so now we’re up to almost two years of no sex.
After we moved into our new apartment, I approached her and told her that I really wanted to work things out with her. I acknowleged mistakes that I had made during the course of our relationship. I owned up to being mean to her when we had to move to our new apartment (she’s a pack rat and I had to miss months from my job in order to help her pack all her stuff…..enough stuff for 10 people, seriously). I told her that I didn’t expect us to have a perfect relationship, as we never had a perfect relationship in the past. I just wanted us to salvage our relationship, now that we had a child and finally owned our own home, after years of living like starving artists.
I told her that if she wanted to work on our relationship that we needed to start having sex again. I wasn’t expecting sex every day, or even several times a week. A few times a month would be acceptable, if not ideal. Instead of her being happy about me wanting to work things out, as well as me owning up to mistakes I’ve made, she reacted with total cynicism. She thought I was just trying to get something out of her. She thought that she was now in a position of power and could make all sorts of demands from me in exchange for sex. Not a lot of sex, mind you, but just a few crumbs.
I was very upset by her reaction. So we spent the next year or so arguing about it. She said that I had hurt her during our arguments by calling her names and saying insulting things (she did the same to me for years prior to that, without it ever affecting my affection for her). She said that I had to “prove myself” to her. Her fear was that she’d agree to have sex with me and then we’d have a fight and I’d lose my temper and call her names, and then she’d regret having sex with me. I told her “give me sex a few times a month for a few months, and let’s see if your fears come true… I guarantee you they won’t, and you’ll see how much nicer I’ll be to you”.
Then one day, out of nowhere, she was horny and wanted to have sex. I jumped at the chance, even though I was sick as a dog with some sort of severe upper respitory virus. She enjoyed it, but a few days later she was in terrible pain. She thought she had a bladder infection, but her doctors couldn’t figure it out. Eventually, she was diagnosed with cystitis, which is a weakening of the bladder. People with back problems are prone to this. Women with cystitis can have great difficulty having sex.
If she was afraid to have intercourse, I’d be willing to settle for oral sex and other forms of stimulation. Maybe, that wouldn’t be enough for me in the long run, but I figured at some point, she’d at least try to have intercourse again, and then I’d at least know where I stand. Instead, she completely me abandoned me sexually. She even admitted that she was angry with me because something that gave me pleasure caused her such pain.
So it’s been over 3 years since that one time we had sex, and almost 8 years since we had a normal sex life. There were a few times where she played with my penis for a few minutes and let me ejaculate between her breasts, but only a few times. And to her, that was a big deal, something that I should be so grateful for.
What I don’t understand is that whenever we have a big argument, she vows that the relationship is over and she’ll never give me another chance and she wants a divorce, etc, etc. But then, a few days later, she’ll come to me and want to reconcile. You see, she likes to have me as her friend. And when the mood strikes her, she likes to hold my hand, hug me, and even kiss me, though it’s always me who turns the kiss into a french kiss. But that’s it, she never wants it to go any further. If she’s so afraid of feeling humiliated if I were to lose my temper with her after she had sex with me, then why doesn’t it bother her to humiliate herself by vowing that the relationship is over, and then crawling back to me again and again. It just doesn’t add up.
But she never wants things to go behind the hand holding, hugging and kissing. It’s always manana, manana, manana. “Maybe next week, if I’m feeling better”. Next week turns into next month, etc, etc.
She really believes that she’s doing nothing wrong and that I just haven’t been giving enough to her. I help take care of my son. I do housework and run errands, and no, I don’t do these things just to get sex. I’m a lot more tidy than she is, so cleaning up comes natural to me. I’m a very good looking guy and in good shape. She’s beautiful, but has weight issues and is out of shape, due to all her health issues that make it difficult for her to exercise. She’s still beautiful to me. I don’t care that she doesn’t look as good as when she was younger. I JUST WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO MY WIFE!
I am going crazy. I cannot afford to get a divorce until I inherit some money from my elderly father. I finally told her that it’s torture for her to kiss me and hug me without it ever leading to sex. I told her that I just wanted to live as roomates unless she’s finally willing to give me some form of sex.
Any feedback from people on this site would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) All I can say is my life has been miserable!
Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex one time! That was on our wedding night, the first, last and only time. We were married young and I should have gotten out of it fast, but I was stupid and didn’t realize what was going on. Plus I was scared, I had never really been out in the world alone. Also I asked if I could come back home and my mom told me no! You married him and you figure out what to do. So I stayed and years just went by and here it is 40 plus years later no kids all parents are gone. And I’m still here with this sexless wonder of a man.
He was mean and cruel one time and that was the day after our wedding day. He moved down to the basement and volenteered to work midnight shift at work. I was so angry cause he wanted nothing to do with me. This went on for 40 plus years and he is retired now but he still won’t talk or be with me. People might think hes gay or into porn but that would be untrue. I’ve payed to have him followed many times and nothing has turned up and also he uses no phone,computer nor does he have a TV. Just lives like a hermit, long straggly hair, beard, and clothes from days long gone by.
(UNITED KINGDOM) I’m a male age 28. My wife is of the same age. Before we got married, our sex life was like 6 times a day! We had sex so often, like a hobby we loved. But ever since we got married at age 25, added a child, her sex drive is down the drain! Young men loves sex and I feel like I want to cheat. I even masturbate because I don’t want to cheat.
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want a divorce because I’m so much in love with her. I have few female friends that I share this with and two want to have sex with me. Now if I do that, I will feel really bad. I go crazy when I don’t get sex: I speak to her very badly and my presence is not good to be around. I wish it was back when we were 24-ish. I love the morning sex, after breakfast sex, noon sex, evening sex and night sex :(
(CANADA) I’ve been married for 1.5 years… I have always been the romantic, creative and assertive one. We’ve been together for 3 years and not one day has passed that I don’t do all the small things… tell her I love her everyday, cuddle, and massage her (yes, everyday). I was financially stable before meeting her and now in debt to cover her debts. We have one child and one more on the way.
The most sex we’ve had is when we were trying for our kids and that’s where I have only ever seen her eager for sex. If I don’t ask for sex or voice my displeasure it won’t happen. I can send her sweet or flirty texts through the day, oogle over her at home and when we have the house to ourselves I seek sexual spontaneity and her response is “let’s do it later” or “not here let’s go to the bedroom”. When we first got together our passion was immense, spontaneous and unmatched. Now I’m lucky to get it twice a month, if I don’t ask for it I won’t get it.
I love to perform oral and she knows this. I’ve voiced my displeasure in her absolute lack of assertiveness and the most she has ever tried to ascertain herself was “are you going to go down on me tonight?” really??? Her preference is on her back or doggy which I love to do but wouldn’t mind some sort of aggression and position of dominance by her i.e. cowgirl.
I feel like I’ve done everything right but seems I only light a fire under her when I voice my displeasure. Even then she just opens her legs and expects me to do everything.
I’m now at that point where I’m pulling away feeling numb, resentful. I’m a passionate romantic at heart but feel like its fallen on an unappreciative person. I’ve even offered couple counselling and she has said ok to it and she even suggested counselling for herself but yet again she does nothing to assert herself in finding counselling.
Before anyone suggests it’s because she’s pregnant it’s not… she has always been the unassertive type intimately. I just failed to identify it because I wanted to be that guy that romantic guy and put a smile on her face. Now though she continues to smile up to now as she’s satisfied with our life but I’m not smiling anymore.
(USA) Sometimes I think folks are looking at this all wrong. Instead of trying to find the bare minimum, or the “normal” amount, why not try to maximize the amount of sex you have with your spouse? Sex is one of those thing where more is certainly better. It allows you to become one in every sense of the word with your spouse. You become one spiritually, emotionally and physically.
I don’t see why folks would even consider just doing the bare minimum or avoid this. I think that’s more the root of the problem than frequency. The problem is the attitude that some take regarding sex. They look at it as a chore, or an inconvenience, or an obligation.
Why not think of it as ice-cream, or your favorite food, and one that is healthy to boot? Instead of living a junk food marriage, filling your life up with everything except intimacy with your spouse, why not drop the junk food and start eating the healthy organic foods God provides for your marriage and have frequent and enthusiastic sex with your spouse? I think sex with your spouse is one of those things where there is no such thing as too much.
(USA) Sex is no more then 15 minutes out of the day. That’s all! Why is it so hard for women to understand that? I read the article and the comments and I feel like I am reading my life story. I am only 30, my wife is 28. She is hot, who thinks she is unattractive, but I tell her all the time she is hot!
I am not bad myself, a little heavier then when we dated but I still notice women checking me out, even flirting with me at times. Anyways, we’ve been together over 10 years and she never had a sex drive. For some reason I was hoping we would get past it.
I’ve tried everything under the sun to improve our sex, hoping to make it better. I have made her orgasim so many times and she never comes back for more. It only takes 15 minutes, and everyone is happier, and life seems to be better. So why not do it?
(USA) I’m blown away. There are 24 pages of comments from people like me, who feel unwanted and unloved. After 18 years of marriage to a wonderful man whom I adore and desire, I still have no idea why he has zero interest in sex. Once a year if I’m lucky and that is when he says he’s not interested and I just start, ahem, “doing stuff below his belt” anyway.
He’s given me lots of different reasons such as he’s too tired, the kids are around, most of the time he just has this blank look on his face like he has no idea why he has no desire. It’s just not on his radar. 365 nights of the year he comes to bed in a long sleeved sweatshirt, sweatpants, his undershirt tucked tightly into his sweatpants, I have to pull his undershirt out to put my hand around his waist and feel actual skin. I could have pierced nipples and a tattoo on my butt and he’d never know, we just are never naked in front of each other because he changes inside his closet or inside the bathroom and I’ve gained 60 pounds as food has become my best friend. Mind you he stopped having interest in sex almost immediately after we were married, when I was young and had a reasonably decent bikini body.
It is nothing short of an absolute miracle that we have 2 children. The only reason my daughter has a younger brother is because I asked my husband if we could have sex on New Year’s eve…who would have thought I could get pregnant after not having sex for at least a year.
He says he loves me and expresses his love in “tangible” ways by doing things for me. Well, I can pay someone to fix the faucet or cut the grass but I can’t pay someone to have sex with me.
I love him and he is a good wonderful man, he just apparently has no need or interest in a physical relationship. He thinks everything is fine, and it is as long as I don’t mention sex.
I found this website looking online to find out how often people in “regular” marriages have sex. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I want to have a physical relationship with my husband. Is there? Is there something weird about me, at age 55, to want to be physically close to my husband and feel his skin against mine?
(AUSTRALIA) Reading through these stories makes me feel enormously sad and at the same time relieved. Sad because like many of you, I too am in a ‘sexless’ marriage. Relieved because I realise that I am not alone in my desires, needs and frustrations and that I am not unusual in feeling this way.
After 18 years of marriage you would think that we as a couple would understand each other both emotionally and sexually, not necessarily to be in sync or agree with each other all the time, but to at least understand what makes each other tick and what our needs and desires and passions are. Sadly my shortcomings… hmm perhaps I should have rephrased that :) …stem from anger and frustration and my wifes from a naive and romantist view on how life should be. When we were married my wife was a 28 year old virgin. Obviously there is nothing wrong with that per se. In fact many would applaud such willpower in this day and age, as I once did. She didn’t make this choice from religious influence or strict parents, but what I thought was choice and not meeting the right guy until later in life.
Now in hindsight, what looked like an act of celebacy by choice of morals, appears to been the first warning sign of low libido and sexual naivety. Again there is nothing wrong with that either, if it was something I knew about before getting married. However it was a bit like the song, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meat Loaf. No sex until marriage or the promise of marriage and all the good things will come after that. That was my moment of naivety!
Needless to say like many others, our sexual desires and passions ended up a world apart. We are doing ok in other areas, have 2 great sons, friends, family and what many would think no reason to complain. But without fire and passion it’s a very cold and dark place to be and after 18 years of immense frustrations and as much as it hurts to think these types of thoughts, these words from “Paradise…”, feel so true and I am saddened to admit it…
” I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time, It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you”
(USA) PLEASE Someone tell me what should I do: I’ve only been married for 6 months. I’m 31, I’m very sexual but my partner not so much. We barley do it once a week or not even. I waited all my life to have sex with someone I was going to marry. My entire 20’s passed I have had sex with one person before I met my wife. It’s everything I believed in.
Marriage is nothing like what I expected. We’ve only been married for 6 months and it feels like a life time. I’m very stressed out. I dunno if can take this any more but at the same time I love her so much, even the thought of leaving her gives me a heart ache. But at the same time I didn’t waited all my life for things to be the way they are. Couples online claim to have sex at least 3-5 times a week but with us, it has never happened since we’ve been married. She doesn’t like sex and I love to have it all the time. I can go 3 times a day daily lol. But it is very frustrating that we’re so different. I dunno what to do :(
(USA) If you are the first sexual experience your wife has had, she may not be getting pleasure from it. It takes a lot more for women to experience this, and as women can talk a lot about emotional needs, very hard to ask for sexual needs! Especially when she may not even know what she needs to ask for…women can be ashamed of their body functions, ashamed to have sexual desire, and may have been raised to be very modest (which is good!) but, this can be hard to get past, even with your husband!! Even though the Bible tells us it’s a great joy, to be shared between husband and wife!
Be sensitive, and ask her if any of these things bother her, and that you want her to be pleased, and are willing to figure it out with her! Or, is she working too much? Women need time to unwind, and also need to feel emotionally connected before feeling sexual. By this I mean you may need to connect with her more by spending time talking, dinner together, doing something she likes, etc, so she feels connected to you! Spend time kissing her, giving a neck/foot massage without expecting sex.
She may be simply scared of your sex drive! Meaning she may feel she cannot meet the demand, and feels insecure… so she pulls away. Take time to research lovemaking skills for couples (there are resources that aren’t pornography) [there are some on this web site in the Links part] and make sure she was not a victim of sexual abuse, even as a child. This can cause problems for her being able to trust, sexually, emotionally, and even sex with someone she loves can trigger “bad” feelings.
Also make sure that it does not hurt her physically. It does some women for biological reasons. She should see her female doctor to ensure her hormones, etc are ok. Don’t expect a magic number of times though. If you can speak freely with her after trying/eliminating some reasons above, then settle on a compromise on “romance nights” or “date nights”, where on her night, she picks what you do (maybe just snuggling or just kissing) and you get to pick the “activities” next time! Don’t make it too serious, or add too much pressure at this point!
Did she move away from family or friends to marry? She could be having a hard time adjusting to being married… All kinds of reasons for you to explore, but with prayer,love, patience, and understanding, you can get through this together! Good luck!
(UNITED KINGDOM) I know it is kinda sad but it is ‘good’ to know that I am not alone. I have been married since 2001. The 1st 3 yrs of marriage we didn’t have sex because my wife had vaginismus. It was an extreme test of my patience and a great struggles to convince her to seek medical help. Anyway, that was resolved. Since then we still only have sex once every month, twice a month if she feels guilty in not being an understanding wife.
My wife is a housewife. We have two children aged 6 and 3. I don’t think she is busy because her mum does help look after children a lot. Our sex life before having kids and after are virtually no different, still once a month, sometimes 0. Even if we do it HAS to be in bed, and MUST be at the moment before she falls into sleep. She never wants to have sex at other places or other hours. She can’t accept sex toys. She doesn’t do oral sex. Sex is available only she feels like it, etc etc.
After YEARS of discussion she finally bowed to our request to seek medical help. The blood test proved her testosterone level was too low, hence low sex desire. HOWEVER, nothing has ever improved until this very moment because she just won’t take any hormone medicine prescribed from the doctor. She fervently believes man-made stuff isn’t natural, isn’t good for her, so things like the contraceptive pill, hormone pill and other vitamin supplements are 100% no, no.
Anyway, recently she finally confessed to me that she doesn’t feel like having sex, even though our sex in the past she regularly had organisms. I believe my wife has three major problems: 1) low testosterone level 2) terrible science and health knowledge 3) terrible attitude.
Divorce? Don’t think so… we have two lovely children. Like many others I don’t want to hurt them, and family pressure & religious beliefs also stop me from doing so. Many people often see us as a very blissful family with a little lovely boy and a gorgeous girl, but little do they know our marriage is actually at stake. For now we are just fulfilling duty as parents to our kids, that’s it. Sigh….
(USA SOUTHEAST) I’ve been married for nearly a year and my wife has all but laid down on me. I don’t know what to think. Everytime I talk to her about her lack of passion she says find another woman. I work 60+ hours a week and she’s a parttime nurse. Things were so great for 7 years prior to our marrige but now I can’t even get her to kiss me.
(ENGLANG) My husband and I have sex about 4 times a week, and yes, I don’t get into it as much as I should. Sometimes we will have some tension and we go a week or so with no sex. He keeps threatening me that if we don’t have sex more then he will find his bit on the side and we can continue to have a loving and caring relationship at home but he will be sexually satisfied elsewhere. Whenever we have a fight about sex he tells me that he can have better sex with a blow up doll, among other hurtful things.
We work together but he is out on site for most of the days so I don’t really see him for the day, but when he gets home we talk about the business etc then it’s time for me to cook and then we watch tv and go to bed. On weekends he is mostly working and we never chat about personal problems. It is like he is not compassionate towards me! He very rarely gives me any praise for my acheivements and would far rather find fault in things I do or find ways to change my suggestions.
I LOVE my husband with all my heart but sometimes I just keep my mouth shut and do wat he says so that I can keep the peace and not stir up an argument. I really do not know where to go from here.
(USA) After reading all these stories I don’t know if I should be complaining but I just got married. I am 20 and my husband is 26. Ever since we got married my husband has stopped showing any interest in sex. Considering how young we are you would think we would have amazing drives and a sex life. We do it about once a week if I get lucky. It’s not even passionate but more of a quickie. I had bought all this lingerie and wasn’t expecting this afterwards.
He never makes out with me or touches me sensually. I am the only one who ever initiates anything and then he says this is all I want. He doesn’t understand that a good sex life is a big part of a happy and healthy marriage. Even when we do it it is never romantic but more of a dull experience and he doesn’t like trying new things. We just got married two months ago and I am already scared of our future. He is six years older than me and he has had his share of fun with women and as for me being 20 I have an extremely high sex drive and he isn’t satisfying me.
I try to talk to him but he always turns the tables on me. I feel as if something is wrong with me yet, I have anger against him for denying me my rights and not stepping up as a husband. We haven’t even gone on a honeymoon because of financial reasons but I am not even looking forward to it when it does happen. :-(
Nancy, Is your husband active on the computer looking at pornography and such? I may be wrong, but it sounds like something that happens when one spouse is finding sexual satisfaction on the computer. Or perhaps your husband has a physical reason for his disinterest, like a low testosterone level. That’s what I’m wondering.
(CANADA) Hello Nancy. I am sorry to read your comment. It’s hard to write here and ensure that what I am saying is interpreted in a kind way, but I don’t think this situation falls in the realm of ‘normal’. This is not a sustainable situation… You didn’t explain if your sex life was good or fulfilling before you got married?