So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I have been married for 31 years. I go to church, but my husband does not. I am 53 & hubby 56. Last child left home for school 4 yrs ago. She is 22. The 1st year was hard on me. My baby leaving. It took me a while that 1st year to get over it.
2 weeks after her 1st yr in school, that summer, my hubby says to me, “I’m moving out, I need time by myself.” There were no signs of him being unhappy. He also said he would not divorce me, because he did not want me to lose insurance, ect. I was SHOCKED. He is not a talker. I never understood what happened. He moved out & into a big warehouse with his old truck, so he had a place to work on it. He had the same thing at home. A place to keep his truck & work on it. I love seeing him working on that truck. He had it before we ever met. Because of paying on a home, 9 months later he moved backed in. It has been 3 yrs now.
It has never been the same since he walked out. I could go on & on, but I want to get to the PROBLEM. When he came back, he really wanted no sex with me except oral sex on him. At night time I would wake up to the sound of him, with a fake one in his mouth having sex. I never said anything, because I wanted to be sure. He did this when he thought I was sleeping. Next he was having sex with his toys in his butt. I laid there pretending I was sleeping. NEVER sex with me except giving him oral sex & kissing him. That’s what he was only wanting.
I knew what I was hearing, but before I said anything I had to be sure. I bought a camera & hid it in our bedroom. I was sleeping on the couch either because I was sick, or having trouble sleeping. There is only a wall between our room & the couch. I was right. I watched him night after night. He was doing just what I knew he was. But he can’t have sex with me. Even taking meds to keep it up. As soon as he got it in me it went away. He said it must be his age. I disagree.
I can’t keep living this lie. I tried to talk to him about our sex & what he was doing. He will never admit it. He tells me I’m crazy. He still is doing it, except more & more. He is a wonderful man, but I can’t keep this up anymore. After trying to talk to him 3 times, I’m LOST. He is not gay, not bragging but he has a beautiful, slim wife. I can’t talk to anyone about this. We have always spiced up our sex life.
I’m losing my mind, and I feel like he is cheating on me, I feel sick to my stomach seeing this. I know it would be hard for a man to admit this to his wife. But I can’t go on like this. Someone please help me. I don’t understand. I want to know what women think, but I really want to know what a man thinks. I am a very light sleeper. He knows this. None of this started until he left me. I sit and think that is why he left. So he could do this without any worry.
Dd, Words cannot express how my heart goes out to you. I have tried to imagine what I would do, given the same circumstances and I can well understand the “sick to my stomach” feeling you are experiencing. I’m so, so sorry!
Please know that this is not about you. Your husband has opened up doors of sexual expression that have nothing to do with how “beautiful and slim” you are, nor sexy. He is cheating on you with these toys and he knows it. He is in denial and he’s also very confused –which inflicts confusion onto you. But this is not because of anything you have done or could do sexually
Rather than my going into specifics of what I THINK may be happening, without really knowing for sure, I STRONGLY encourage you to talk to someone. You say that you “can’t talk to anyone about this.” And while it may be true that you don’t have anyone safe around you to talk to in your immediate circle of friends, relatives and acquaintances, I encourage you to talk to a counselor at the ministry of Focus on the Family, about this. (I’m sorry, but we don’t have counselors here, or we’d help you if we could.) They are marriage-friendly and are experienced in so many areas of life and this is one that I feel confident they could help you sort out in some way or at the very least, point you to someone who could. You can find their contact information at Focusonthefamily.com. I hope you will and I hope that somehow, you will find the answers you need so the current situation does not continue. My heart is with you and my prayers go out for you.
He’s gay. I don’t know how you can watch him do that to himself. No psychologist needed for this. Why can’t we stop listening to Dr Phil and Oprah for advice. Just do what’s in your God given mind and follow it. If God wants us to change what we’re doing in our walk He will correct it.
Please troubled brothers and sisters listen to your heart and don’t waste your money on what psychologist feed your mind. You know, if you ask God, He will guide you. Open your Bible and listen. Listen to man and you get a mans delusional perspective and if your paying it won’t be one time but multiple visits to drain your cash. And at the end of these money grabbers they never give a concise answer; you will always keep paying. Ask God to tell you what to do.
I will pray right now for you and your husband. This is deep and disturbing for your mind to handle alone without Jesus.
Please almighty father in heaven, please comfort Dd and give her your most awesome gift of love. Please put it on her heart to focus on your face. And help her husband become a wanting and willing man to open your gift of the Bible and lead in a new life. We love you Jesus, amen.
(USA) Thank you Cindy. I felt better just asking someone that does not know me what is going on. I still don’t understand. I dont sleep. I dont eat. I am so lost. Now I feel all he does is lie. I can’t keep this up. I now have a baby monitor in the bedroom, to listen. I’m sick and in other bedroom. Why do I keep putting myself thru this?? I am so beyond confused. I really feel he is cheating on me, but worse, because of it being a toy. I want to throw up.
(USA) Anyone reading this please pray for me. I’m getting so so sick. Please tell me what you think. Everyday I am looking for his toys. I also worry about what this is doing to his health. I have seen my share of the blood coming from his butt. I have no family, and I can’t talk to anyone at church. I am so ashamed. I pray so much for God to show me where he is hiding them at. I also don’t understand how he goes on and on each night, and in the mornings for so many hours. I am talking his sex that long. I worry about his lack of sleep, and all the long drives he does for work.
Sorry just saying this much has sent me to bathroom SO SICK. I want to find them so I can try and save our lives together. But I can’t keep this up. The 3 times I tried to talk to him, and I was so kind saying I know this has to be hard for a guy to get caught doing this. But in return I was told how crazy I was & other names. I’m at the point of leaving him. Is my health, mind, and other things worth it? I dont think so, if he will never admit it. And he never will. I just cant keep this up.
The last time I tried to talk to him, he said, do you really think I would do this with you in bed with me? And I know his every move when he’s going to be doing it. He said it like not a worry in the world. If I thought he was doing it, then jump up and catch him. But he still was so angry I would say such a thing. But he said when I was wrong it was over. You cannot catch him. You know he is doing it, but he will no longer sleep under the sheets. I don’t like bedspreads. They are hot to me unless it is winter. He bundles himself around the bedspread. Is he trying to get me to leave him??? He really liked having that big warehouse. Please again. Keep me in your prayers, and please tell me what you think. Thank You & God Bless
Dd, I still think you need to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family (as I wrote about in a previous reply) and talk to a counselor there. You have got to stop obsessing. I’m not saying that is easy, just important. Why should you end up with ulcers or worse? All that will accomplish is the problem AND your health problems added onto it. Obviously, your husband isn’t concerned about this, so you need to tend to the matter yourself.
Also, there is a ministry called The Marriage Bed, which is put together by Paul and Lori Byerly. They are excellent in their advice. You may want to contact them at their web site, https://site.themarriagebed.com. If you go into the “About” drop box along the top of the Home page, you’ll see a way to contact them. I would think that they could give you insight, as well.
Again Dd, this is not about you, it’s about your husband who is cheating on you with his toys. He is in complete denial, so questioning him will not result in anything helpful, as you’ve found. Perhaps a counselor at Focus on the Family or Lori Byerly can give you insight as to what to do. Please pray, knock on the doors that truly can help you, and do all you can to get help for YOU, because worrying about him isn’t going to change this. Your husband is caught up in selfism and deception. You don’t need to keep getting caught up in that web of trouble, or you will keep being victimized. I hope you’ll reach out to those who CAN help you.
(USA) Hi I’ve been with my husband for 20 yrs dating for 10 and married for 10. We have a good amount of kids and never had sexual problems. My husband started changing on me soon after he started working in a college office. His attitude was of one that he didn’t care what I did. But sex was still there until a couple of months ago that sex was becoming lesser and lesser. And when I ask for it he makes it into a fight and tells me to stop harrassing him.
I’m a very hot woman. I want sex all the time, if possible. But now it’s like he tells me he doesn’t have to give me anything. He says he shouldn’t be forced to do something he doesn’t want to do. He’s tired and so on. It’s gotten to the point that I’m submissive all the time but when I want it it’s no. I’m getting tired of the rejection. He has no idea how much he’s affecting me.
I do anything… different positions, oral, wear sexy clothes, whatever it takes, but it’s never enough. I’m to the point that I’m emotionally building a wall and treating him dry cause I’m tired of his rejection. I talk to him and it ends up in an argument. I told him I don’t want to cheat on him so I guess divorce will probably be my last option and he says you dont mean that.
I feel he’s having sex with someone else at work and stays with me so he doesn’t have to worry about child support and so on. We fight all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore.
(UNITED STATES) I have been married less than a year and we have an infant son. My husband puts in long hours at his job to support us. I try to be understanding about sex. He’s tired, the baby sleeps in our bed but if we have sex once a month it is a miracle.
I have a high sex drive. I was always the sexy girl in the room. I can’t live with a sexless marriage. I’ve talked to him and he says it will get better in time (with the next promotion, when the baby is older). In the meantime, I have lost my self-confidence. I feel like a roommate who earns her keep by cooking and cleaning –2 things I hate doing.
I never thought I would end up with a man who could care less about sex. I feel like our courtship was a lie. The passion, PDA and affection has completely disappeared. I’ve been turned down for sex so many times I don’t ask any more. I am beginning to resent the fact that we have sex only when he wants it and I have to satisfy myself any other time. I feel like I am losing my best friend.
(UNITED STATES) Dianne,
First and foremost, put your baby in the crib. Your time with your husband is what makes or breaks a healthy home enviroment. Your baby will adapt to sleeping alone quickly (as we all did at one time.) You are not losing your best friend. You’re not losing him because you’ll decide it’s not going to go down that way. Don’t go “glass half empty” on your marraige. Glass half full is the only way to go. I say this because I’ve applied this to myself. I don’t know the particulars of your relationship, so it’s unfair for me to get too specific. For me it’s all frame of mind. Same for my wife. When two people allow themselves to love each other without inhibition it becomes the most wonderful thing. Make it happen every night. Make it happen multiple times every night. Why not? Because he’s not in the mood? Show him he’s in the mood. Spend all day with him in the bedroom on his day off. What about the infant? Take a break to address the baby’s needs no matter how often you need to. Then get back to bonding with your husband. When it’s done right, it’s so much more than sex. I say this to you because it’s how my wife and I live. We live that way because we decided to. It was up to us. Not me, not just her. US. The best marital decision we’ve every made. We’re both 40 now and it’s never been better. Look, love him like there is no tomorrow. Show him how to do the same. In the process you’ll create this amazingly healthy home enviroment that your baby can grow in. Remember, glass half full. Stop being worried. Start learning how to bond with each other. If you can apply this, and it is successfull, you’ll know it in your heart. He will too. He doesn’t work too much and you’re never too tired. Bond, bond, and bond.
(PAKISTAN) Wonderful to read, I think sex twice in a week is a normal ratio, doing more than two times a days will make you the patient of a diabetic.
(USA) My wife is a British woman and although I find this seems to be more common with British woman, it is just as much of a problem in the USA. (The French have long made jokes about how the British are stuck up when it comes to sexual matters and I guess to some degree it is true.)
7 years ago I finally gave up begging my wife for sex. She would always say NO, not now, etc… you know the usual. I figured if I did not ask she would sooner or later want to know why. But that never happened. It is now 7 years later and we have not had sex once. Although I bring it up from time to time she just gets upset. She finally told me that I should go get it somewhere else! This upsets me more than I would have expected because to me this says I not only do not want sex but I never want sex with you and I will not even be upset nor do I care about you enough to be upset if you got it with another woman.
I think I have begun to hate women. Even some of the answers on this blog by well meaning woman make me mad. Some try to give advice like how to provide romance to spice things up. Well, this does not work at all ever. How come she does not get all sexy for me so that when I come home from work I get attacked by someone that wants me and my body. That tells me she loves me, is thinking of me all day, cannot get enough of me and believe me ,if this was the treatment I got she would never have to ask for anything. I would just automatically be romantic without needing to think about it. Just thinking of her and the way she treats me would be enough to drive me to pick up flowers get candles etc… What man would not love a woman like this?
But sadly modern society has blessed us with frigid woman that want everything given to them and expect to give nothing in return. They use there bodies as payment or blackmail for things they expect they should get.
Although men are supposed to be the stronger sex we are much more tender and loving than women. We are less unkind and think about the possible outcome of our actions. It is no wonder that in families, where the dad is not around, the kids grow up with major problems.
(US) I came to this site and one other last year when I left my husband. I had no one to turn to that had the Christian background to understand me. I was married for 10 years to a very bad man that was not fulfilling in the marriage bed. He professed to be a Christian and attended church with me the 1st year of our marriage. After that, only if our children were doing something special. I learned he was a “bad man” 4 months after our wedding. We went through 6 years of courts, jails, and all that entails. Throughout these years I stood firm by my man in and out of the bedroom. He chose to use this against me and made sex feel very dirty and unnatural. I never tried to boost our sex life or suggest what I would like when he had turned these around for his benefit. Everything was about him.
After several women came to my attention as being kept by him, I had to protect the children and myself. We divorced and two years later I met a great guy. Another 2 years and we were married. Sex scared me to death with him and the problems with the 1st marriage crept in to the 2nd one. We had one boy 4 years after we were married. I am 44 now and he is 43. Among some deaths, children problems, our business failing and an ex who didn’t get that we were not married anymore, our emotions exploded. I packed up the kids and went to a relative for a time-out. Upon leaving hubby yelled at me for the horrible sex life we had and what it made him feel like when I wouldn’t have sex with him (rejected, etc.). Lots of prayer and these two web sites helped come to an understanding: My husband and I had been together for almost 11 years and he had never treated me with contempt or use our sex life for ugliness. He was always attentive to me and always waited as much as possible for me to have pleasure. I came back the next week and we have made love everyday (if possible) at least once and sometimes more a year this month!
The changes that have taken place in our marriage are astounding. We used to raise our voices and fume about kids, jobs and day to day stuff. He is also an angry man from childhood experience. The anger is very minimal now, almost non existent. He tells me he loves me all the time and shows it through his actions at home. My emotions have changed toward sex and at times I am tired, but I drop it at our bedroom door and come to him as his wife. Sex is getting better all the time. Placing that the Lord gave us sex for marriage in my mind has opened a deeper respect for what my husband and I have when we come together. I know those who are posting have it hard, and the spouse is not likely to sit here and read this with you. Mine didn’t. By you changing and not being demanding of your spouse, they will see the changes in you. My husband is not the same man I married. He is even better and I thank God we stuck it out. Prayers go out to you all.
(UK) I have always taken the view that withholding sex is emotional abuse, cruelty, neglect, selfish and it made me so angry that I gave up in the end and had an affair because of his lack of caring. He says I am terrible for doing that, as if I should just put up with it and it is not his fault.
But the depression it caused made me put on weight because I had to have anti-depressants, and their side effect is weight gain. Of course, that further makes him not fancy me. But I was good looking and slim and he hardly bothered. So you just give up in despair.
(MAURITIUS) Hello, after 5 years of married life, I’ve somewhat given up on trying to get my husband to “bed.” For him what matters is to have a great caring relationship where there is love and care and affection but no sex! For him it’s just not important but he refuses to accept the fact that I want to have him! I kept battling against it in the first year but now I’ve compromised with it! He’s a very caring person and a great friend. So I live on trying to curb my sexual desires.
(USA) I have been married now for a few months but have been with wife for over a year. She always wants to have sex and always brings it up to me. We usually have sex about two to three times a week depending on how tired we are and our stress levels. To me, this is a God send. Two to three times a week is a nice balance to me. Before I met her I had a huge sex addiction problem where I would want to have sex twice or more a day with my current partner at the time. She would always complain about it being too much and it would always consume me. It was all I ever thought about, it controlled me so much. When I met my wife it was not like that at all and its nice to be in control and not have it dominating my thoughts. She wants more, but I reassure her, its better this way and when I explain to her how it was she understands.
(USA) If a man cares about his wife’s needs and everyone cares for themselves, I believe most would desire sex on a regular basis. Now that my husband cares about me, he cannot keep up with me and admits that.
In his wicked state of before, I felt like a port-a-potty and he knew it but didn’t care. It became more difficult especially that I knew what he was looking to do. Had been sleeping on the couch 5 years, wouldn’t wear his ring and private e-mail as well as hateful and emotionally abusive.
He had the nerve to say we had not had sex in 10 months. I had not enjoyed sex at all in 9 years and 2 months. He did what he did, washed up and back to the couch then made sure I knew he took a shower before so he was fresh for “his christian friend” ie company hooker and it all turned out to be too true.
I’ve posted my nightmare. She was after money and we learned exactly what she was in her court proceedings. Thank the Lord it failed, because she has diseases that cannot be cured.
You will get from your partner what you give and then some…23 years and we now have a great sex life. We’re both in good shape and even in my baby making years, he was pysically attracted to me but now in a double 00 and praying for menopause, a whole new world.
Please give as much energy to your spouse as you have to give. You won’t need anyone else. God made sex only for marriage!
(VA) I have been married 7 years and I’m an ex-model and did a lot of big name contracts. I beg my husband for sex; he says, “that’s all you ever want.” We went from sex everyday, to 4 times a day, to me hating him living on the couch. We’ve had no sex in 2 years. I thought about affairs every second.
We had seperation papers drawn up because of this. Now were trying to love each other again but I think because everyone knew I was available and he got jealous. So, we had sex his response was this isn’t going to be an everyday thing again you know. He won’t initiate it. I love him, he’s just not there with me. I’m still so in love with him as much as we were when we first met. Men tell me at age 35 your husband is the luckiest man in the world; I say I must be the unluckiest. I can if I get divorced. I’m findings doc to date all my therapy cost me in the $20,000 range to find out its not me.
(USA) I also modeled on a smaller scale although I was Little Miss Hawaiian Tropic in the late 70’s. 48 with three kids, I wear a girls size 10 bottoms or jr’s double 0 and 5’1″. Size kids 3 to ladies 6 shoe and although I lost some breat size in that drastic weight loss of grief I went from a 38 D to a 36 C. Still some D’s. Auburn hair past my bra, seafoam green eyes. God blessd me with perfect teeth and I tan easily. I love pretty clothes and have always been immaculate and very feminine.
5 star chef and baker, I gave him everything. Donate time and talents to charity (did before this hearly killed me) and a heart for the hungry which my husband recently told me to see the times I brought bags of food to people or paif for a sniors groceries blew his mind but he never said anythng as he seemed to hate my guts. He admits that the good and the manners in our kids came from me because he was doing all he could to destroy. My husband’s friends are like yours-dumbfounded and have always let him know.
Affairs are rarely if ever about looks. In court the judge and bailiffs kept looking at her, then me then him and shook their heads. One of the bailiffs asked if “he was at least drunk out of his mind?” Not with alcohol but with the devil.
Consider the one Christy Brinkley’s husband carried on with. It’s so shocking but as our pastor counselor said “what do you expect from Satan? It’s never any good, clean or pretty. It is the search for sin and one wicked enough to do all that in spite of God’s rules. It is evil”
My husbnad marvels at all of me like he has never seen me before. He’s crazy in love now, kind and adoring NOW- 23 years, it took 21.5 to get his heart right. He was so rejected by women and so used to being taken for money that’s how he was programmed.
Menstealers God calls them in 1 Timothy. Covering all she sees me produce. The way I care for my home and family and every detail of my husband that I tend too as well as the income. I was kind and generous to her too but no good deed goes unpunsihed. I think of how he hated her and he really did but that is the devil for you-Like Absalom’s actions. She was sinking over her own disobedience to God and insisting on a house and car she couldn’t afford and watched as I got a new van. My convertible. Pool, tanning bed,and all the other things. We’ve worked hard to afford this and started in a one bedrom apartment. Honoring God in tithes and living within our means is why.
As her husband said, she has never liked sex, uses it for income. Lost every job because of the rep with married men and theft. The Marilyn Monroe syndrome. When MM died they found scrap books of Jackie, nothing of JFK. This one pays to have her hair permed short and bleached yet got a wig similar to my hair and insulted my hair for years. My husband told her that was just silly. Every hair ad and magazine has my hair. She’s obsessed with all of me and asked questions about “me” wanting to know what my breasts looked like, were they real….All real!
Truly the stuff movies are made of. Anything to grab onto a little bit of us and hopefully get that house payment. My husband knew he was in a transaction. She laid her 4 inch stack of bills in front of him and said she would do “anything” and she meant that.
It is truly sad to see someone so unhappy with themselves. That’s why it’s so important to instill in our kids to like them the way God made them. I remember being teased with my auburn-red-hair. My baby girl said she hopes hers never changes.
Sadly that monsters little girl will have some influence from her and all her insecurities. My husband turned evidence against her and cost her custody but considering she had 23 men overnight with that baby down the hall in that one month we know of, the best thing. This all came out in court and neighbors gave affidavits and license plates, vehicle id.
The devil is hard at work just trying to get into each home and “A house divided cannot stand” and “the love of money is the root of all evil” Stick together familes and resist the devil and he will flee. There is no pain like this betrayal and all that slander. Some days I could feel it across town and I could see in his eeys when he had spent lunch slandering me to her and her husband to him. Jesus cried over it from a friend!
He began sleeping on the couch, wouldn’t wear his ring and wanted a private e-mail when he met her in 2005. Threatened me many days a week and told me he would destroy fist chance he got. Why? I was here tending to all he had ever needed. Prayed for him, spoke kindly of him and refused to let my kids speak ill of him although he was trying to make them ahte me. All this as he taught Sunday school and took The Lord’s table. It’s always seems to happen that way too. The devil isn’t messing with the lost, they are alreayd on his path. He admits now she is more of a guy than he is :/
(INDIA) We have been married for the past 5 yrs and the times he approched me for sex is countable. These days even when I ask for it he will say a plain no and many a times he says he needs to sleep. Many a times he pushes me. So I decided to keep away from him. I thought he would approach me some day but six months have gone by. When I asked him for the reason he told this is not at all an issue in the marital relationship and that it was very normal.
I really want to know… IS THIS REALLY NORMAL? When I ask for it, sometimes I’ve broken into tears. He sees me crying and turns to the other side of the bed and will really sleep. I’m VERY DEPRESSED TO LIVE WITH THIS MAN (told to be but I don’t think so) OF THIS SORT.
(INDIA) Dear Jyo,
In India things are different than the West as people have cultural and social events more and we are having tough times. You should approach your husband and discuss your needs. It’s better to have an open discussion to know what’s in his mind, so better do it before it is too late.
If he talks and shares his issues you can have empathy towards him in this process, help him and comfort. If he refuses to talk to you then there might be something really wrong.
(USA) I feel your pain. I’ve been married for 15 years. My husband and I waited till marriage to have sex. That means that we waited through 3 years of dating till the day of our marriage. If I tell you that we have had sex more than 2 times per month I am not exaggerating. He has done the same thing in saying, “not today, I am not feeling in the mood, lets wait till tomorrow,” and simply will fall sleep.
I have tried to talk to him but we are on a different page. At first I felt like a bad woman because my body needed more intercourse, at least 8 times a month. But after talking to my Dr. she said that is very normal for a women my age (35). So I wish you luck. I’m sorry I have no results for you but just wanted to tell you that you are not alone on this. Maria