So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(NIGERIA) Dear sister, I do not think this is normal at all because men are known to be sexually aggressive, so for him to turn away from you when you demand for sexual relationship is very unthinkable. I think that any of the following could be the reason for his action;
1. He may be suffering from weak or lack of erection and is ashamed to share the problem with you because of his ego
2. He may be having an affair as a retaliation for your refusal to have sex with him sometime in the past or for any other reason.
3. If you both do not have children in your marriage, he might be tired for having sex just for fun with the same woman, but that is not a cogent reason at all
4. If you have children of the same sex, he might not want to have another child that would be of the same sex again or he may not want to have more children
Whatever may be the true cause of his action, God will break down the powers of darkness that have held him captive and you will reclaim your husband in Jesus’ name, amen
(USA) Hi, I am not married and seeing so many comments, why is SEX such a big deal. I mean men have greater desires for it and women like the emotional aspect of it. But then why don’t they discuss this often and just come to an understanding. If a wife gives her best still men would never be satisfied. Is it due to the times we live in, where visual effects are there or stress is there. Love and sex are good when enjoyed in marriage. Still, mamy people are seeking divorces, affairs, etc. to get that one thing. The devil never wants families to be happy. Men with higher desires should know that women have preferences, time constrains mood; that’s why they are the fairer sex.
Similarly, women too should understand this. This should come as natural and wanted feeling from both man and women and this should be talked, discussed, and corrected. When this is not done you look for means to escape, fall in a trap to sin, and eventually are worse off rather than being better off. Here many of the people who have posted are namesake Christians who are just posting anything and everything. Please refer to the Bible, submit these things to GOD and he will guide. GOD has solutions for you so instead of running to the devil, submit it to GOD. Your higher desires, your low desires, whatever it is. Ask GOD to guide you and help you. OUR GOD is ruler over everything in this world. Nothing is too big for him. Pray, spend time, give him your issues and concerns as a couple before GOD.
GOD bless to all the people who are struggling through such things.
(U.S.A.) What a blessing and consolation to find this wonderful, and I feel “sisterhood”, God filled web site. Thank you so much. from New Jersey, U.S.A. :o)))
(ASIA) Same problem here. I was so happy when I was getting married. I thought about having sex everyday, but that actually never happened in my marriage. My husband shows lack of interest in making love. We ended up just have it once a month or sometimes once in two months. I tried everything but nothing works. And it seems like I am the only one putting up the effort to change it.
I ended up cheating on him. With my new boyfriend we made love almost everyday. I felt fulfilled, but I ended it after 2 years because I know it’s wrong and I want to go back to the right path. Now without my husband knowing what was going on, I get back to my usual daily life and still waiting hopelessly to a better married sex life. I don’t ask a lot now, 3 times a month will be good enough, if that will happen.
(KENYA) Hi Sat, I was in a similar situation. My husband denied being intimate with me because he was having an affair. I was barely 27 and really longed for sex at times but never thought of cheating on him. I would always cry to God and ask Him to take my desires and emotions away as He also works in my husband’s heart and mind and He did. My husband realised his mistakes and his wayward life after 5 yrs. He apologized and since then we have never looked back. Our sex life is getting better each day and we enjoy it. If your husband is not cheating on you it could be another problem. Have a nice chat and find out the cause. You might be able to assist him rather than cheating and not doing things according to God’s will.
(USA) This article was great…wow now I don’t feel like I am the only one going through this. This was a great help to me.
(INDIA) Priya, I totally understand your situation. I’ve been married for 7 years, and am in an arranged marriage. It’s the same scenario. I’d say I found my peace in art. The only way is for you to divert your thoughts to what makes you truly happy. Save the marriage if he is an honest guy. Your intuition and gut feeling will direct you towards the right path. TC
(CANADA) My wife is 75 and has never stopped having “bad weeks” every month. It is terrible, she is a different woman – so cruel and nasty during that time. I have a terrible job of keeping my cool. Now the weeks are tending to get longer. Is this normal. Is there anything she can take to ease these days? She was on ERT for ten years.
(USA) Thanks for sharing everyone. This is the first time I’ve read a forum like this or joined one. I felt compelled to join. I had to stop reading due to all being so different, yet all the same and all very emotional.
I am 41, recently retired, and have 4 kids. Even though life in the house is demanding, I still manage to want sex so much that I feel like some crazed maniac. I am like the most sexual person I’ve ever known. 3 times a day would usually suit me fine. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me there, but I like it if so. I like sex. I like to feel sexy. I like to be desired. I like to climax. Are these crimes in a marriage?
The problem is that for the first time in my man loving life, my man just does not want me as much as I want him. I know I’m overboard compared to most wives. I get that. But I would mostly be content twice a week or so. Seems it’s more like once every 10 days. That makes me so sad and mad and not nice and so on :(
I thought men wanted women. I thought they were the desiring ones. I thought what I offer freely is a good thing. I am so confused and angry. I am pretty and sexy. I’m not 22 anymore but look good and care about myself and looks. I go to the gym and keep my hair and makeup done. The house is clean. Yada, yada. Sorry. Ranting here. Men and women please help here. ESP women. Are there any out there like me? I know life is busy and draining. Mostly I only do not want sex if I am mad or hurt. But oddly I think sex cures lots of that and lots of problems.
My husband thinks sex is only a small part of the marriage equation. But I think it’s a larger one and a huge one if there is an issue with it. He straight has a low, low sex drive. Obviously. And his manhood does function, so that is not the issue.
I am a huge baby and byatch about all this. I feel slighted. He does work like a dog. I mean a dog compared to most men. He comes home exhausted. That is so obvious. He is drained. I know sex takes energy. I jokingly but also seriously offer to do all the work, but that does not amuse him.
I already go to counseling alone. Have for years. Take meds too. Work on myself as best as I know how to. Feel like I do all these things for little to nothing. He has been to counseling twice in 2.5 yrs. It is unnecessary to him as I’m the one with the problems. So my patient counselor gets to hear all about it.
My husband spins my complaints around and claims things would be better if I were better. Well, I get better. I feel that goes unnoticed. Not sure how long I’m supposed to wait to be noticed or rewarded. Hate to be like a child, but this is the man I love. Love me back. I know he loves me. He is a good man. He is loyal and a family man. He is just drained these days. My feelings are so hurt over other things he manages to get into in his little free time. Seriously: if you can go fishing for an evening…
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m thinking of turning into exercise hardcore. Perhaps bodybuilding. I don’t know what to do??
He knows it all. He has heard it all. It is old news and a sore subject in our house. I have also been unfaithful in past relationships. He knows this as I’ve shared it with him. I’m not proud of selfish, ugly choices. I was young and not happy. I have been and plan to be faithful to this man. We’ve been together a long time. I love and adore him and desire him every time I see him. Thanks for reading :) advice and stories greatly appreciated.
(CANADA) Amanda, I hear you, loud and clear! You are not alone. But! I am impressed that you have energy for sex even with 4 kids, that it quite impressive! also, I am very impressed that you still love and desire your husband after 4 kids! This alone is HUGE and you should be very happy about it! I’m not sure what you mean by ‘better’, but I am wondering if he perhaps thinks you are over-sexed, and that this worries him, or that it makes him feel somehow inadequate?
I know that men can be very concerned about ‘performance’. I believe you are right, sex cures problems, sex ensures closeness in a relationship, it is very important. Somehow, you have to make him understand how important it is for you without making him more tired just thinking about it. I guess you need to talk to him and see if there is anything that you can do to make it ‘easier’, to ease his load so he has more energy. I wish I could help more than that, but hopefully it helps just to let you know that you are not alone, there are other women (yours truly) who would have sex 3 times and day and their man gets tired before she does, and that I know how much it hurts….
(USA) Hopefully he is just going through a mid-life crisis and Andropause (male menopause and it’s very real). It may be wise to see a doctor and see where his hormone levels are.
Now, in this time of a man’s lfe, they realize this is it. This life is all it will ever be. They become bored and restless and the devil has the perfect solution to spice it all up and that kind of female is out there looking for men like ours. The devil makes sure of it.
I pray he will listen to your suggestions. You sound like a perfectly wonderful lady but even those compared to current models :/ aren’t good enough to a man led astray by Satan. He’s bored and unhappy and wants something else only to find out God has already given him the perfect everything for him and that grass may look greener but it is truly over a septic tank!
You cannot undo defiled and regret is a very bitter pill. My sincerest prayers for you and please let us know if he will do this (see the doctor) and how everything goes. Love, your sister in Christ<3
(CANADA) We have been married for over twenty years and only in the last three have we got this right. We have marital relations EACH and EVERY morning. This happened gradually and let me assure you we are in our fifties now and it is a very healthy way to live with one another. First, we started with great birth control -an IUD. Then we planned on having relations -first every third day and then every other day. We found we liked it and said why not every day? More importantly I make certain she enjoys herself and provide as much play before hand as she likes. We use lingerie – respectful things yet accessible and we have built an extensive collection, which keeps things fresh.
First, I used to lay out sleepwear and now she decides what she wants to wear and picks it out herself. I shower before bed, shave before bed and we look forward to getting up early to enjoy one another. It works and it has worked for several years now. It did not happen by itself and let me tell each of you, it is worth it. We are healthy, happy, and we value and respect one another and we almost never disagree with each other on anything.
(US) I’m a Judeo-Christian Muslim and in Islamic law, it is obligatory for a woman to yield to her husband’s desire for sex just like 1 Corinthians 7:3 says. It is considered the most important duty of marriage.
It seems in the West that women use sex as a weapon to manipulate their husbands and keep them under their control. I think that is down right evil. I guess it is the natural consequence of abandoning biblical patriarchy and opting for matriarchy.
My advice, make sure you marry a patriarchal woman. She will respect you and make you feel like a man. Of course, you should treat her like a feminine woman, which is just perfect.
(USA) God says there will be no God’s before Him and if we are lukewarm he will spew us out of his mouth. You’re going to have to make a decision on which god one day.
Women are to submit but, the parts everyone leaves out are “husbands due benevolence unto his wife and love her as Christ loved the church.” All Christians are supposed to be in submission one to another that means to get along not women lay on the bed every time your husband demands it.
When my husband cares about my sexual and emotional needs as much as his own, he cannot keep up with me and he would tell you that. Men don’t want to do that, too busy looking for something to get away with and giving all that belongs to us to a stranger. This is the devil’s world.
The Qur’an and God’s Word are totaly opposite, how can you claim both? So much confusion and I see why. Prayers that you will soon see the One Truth.
(CANADA) My wife has low sex drive. I can’t handle it anymore. I am pursuing a relationship with somebody I can meet with every few weeks. It will be a friend with benefits relationship, somebody who is in a similar situation who also wants to just let loose and feed their sexual craves as I do. Although I am committed to her and my family I need to let loose sometimes. This way I won’t hold it against her when we don’t have sex. At least I’ll have an outlet to go with.
(USA) Do you claim to be a Christian?
(CANADA) Go for it. We all need sometimes, a refreshing change. Hope you find someone with similar problem.
(USA) My wife and I just celebrated 8 years of marriage. We have two wonderful girls (3 and 4). Overall we have a fantastic, God centered marriage. However, lately the romance has suffered, and I have begun to feel unwanted by her. In an effort to rekindle the romance I have begun trying everything. All the gifts, candles, massages, cuddling, hugs, poetry, love songs, date nights, acts of service etc. seem to have no effect. I know they make her feel loved, but any sexual advances are treated as an annoyance.
I asked if something was wrong and she got mad and said “God forbid we go more than two weeks without sex!” I slept alone. I just wanted to know what I’m doing wrong. I realize my situation is not drastic. Two-three times a month is normal. But I’m treading on thin ice here. If I can do something early on here, maybe it will get better not worse. Besides prayer, how can I avoid growing bitterness, hurt, and resentment?
(CANADA) About me: Happily married for 10+ years, 2 kids, lots of sex, high sex drive on my side, semi or low on her side. Guys and Gals, maybe your problem is that you became a monotonous or predictable partner. To keep the fire going between you two is easier than you think. The strategy I use are:
1. Don’t bring stress and anger from outside, ever. (For example, I came home after a stressful, agonizing and insulting day with a feeling to spray my stress and anger on someone. I see my wife, all goes bloody red for a moment. I put a smile on, find kindness in my eyes and ask her: Hey baby, how was your day? because mine was boring… What it does it removes all negativity and any bad image of you from your partner’s perspective at all.
2. You gotta make sure you give her orgasm at least once a week, work on it, do foreplay, do oral before diving in, whatever it takes to really please her. If you’re a gal then you can give your partner orgasm 100%, ok, but talk to your partner, find what are his desires, because he doesn’t want just an orgasm, he wants ‘his way’ orgasm, oral, anal, normal, whatever.
3. Physical contact once in a while. Grab your partner out of the blue, say/whisper something positively sexy, like the things you would want to do to him/her. Give a compliment about sexy looks or about dress. Very important to convince your partner that his/her looks are very attractive.
4. When you go to sleep, and your partner turns away. Get as close as you can, so your upper body fully touches his/her back and legs touch his/her legs, fully body physical contact. Put your hand onto her stomach (a hug) or on her/his thighs, and…, try to fall a sleep. That creates physical contact between you two as well as positive energy.
5. Never physically or emotionally hurt or abuse your partner. Because good things tend to be forgotten fast, bad things stays in memory for a very long time (like even forever).
6. Always look and dress top notch. Be fully clean. Take a frequent showers, put on a good smell and clean t shirt. Smile, not just before sex, do it also in between, before and after. If you are ugly go to gym and start building up those sexy muscles, be persistent with this.
7. Be a good supporter and defender, whether emotionally, physically or financially. If your partner has a conflict with someone else, always, I repeat, always take your partner side, even if she/he is not right. Even if that other person is your mom.
I’m sure I can write forever these advices, but everybody is unique and different, what works for me, might not work for you at all. Nothing is simple and everything demands a lot of work, persistence and patience. Hope it helps.
(AUSTRALIA) Serge, thank you -really awesome advice!!! I think it’s great that you consider yourself ‘happily married and have a good sex life, even though you and your wife have different sex drives. Thanks again!
(CANADA) I sense some sarcasm here, but in my relationships I never chain anybody to me, and I have policy “Baby, what mine is yours and the door is always open, if you want to go, you go. There will be no hard feelings or retaliation”. Anyway, “happily married” means a lot of hard work on the relationship from both partners, not just one, to keep each other happy. Some people here complain about having not enough sex, but what they don’t know why that happens to them in many cases by being ignorant. You people gotta look at bigger picture of your relationship and try to notice little details about it.
Girls try to explain their low drive with something like: “he treats me like a meat…”. We can’t always treat you like a princess. That would be unnatural. If woman does not want to offer satisfaction to their spouses that would make them selfish cause in this case they only offer sex when they want it and that is not fair to guys. If guys demand sex while girls don’t want it but cannot refuse, that make those guys selfish as well, and that makes it not fair to girls. So it is vice-verse situation here.
Marriage with love is like a fire and you gotta put some “WOOD” into it to make it burn.
I hope this reply will get thru without being edited by “editors”, cause cream is a cream and stool is a stool and not a vice-verse (really trying to avoid heavy profanity here).
(AUSTRALIA) No sarcasm intended. I seriously think that your approach to female sexuality and marriage is healthy and helpful. It is give and take and hard work. It is not always ‘perfect’. We can have differing needs, but with hard work and consideration of our spouse, we can both still indeed experience happy and satisfying marriages.
(USA) I have been married for 9 years. We had a fantastic sex-life until we got married (go figure). Since then, her interest in sex with me quickly declined, until the point where we had sex once in 3 months, if lucky. I have tried to be romantic, make sure the house is clean so she is rested. This has been one of her main complaints… even though I work full time in a demanding job, while she works part time (12 hrs/week, very relaxed environment). She does do some house-work and picks up our daughter from school, but I think I do probably as much housework as she does. She might make dinner 2-3 weekdays. I do all my own laundry and most of the bedsheets etc. I make good money so she has everything she needs (nice house, nice car). I’m reasonably fit and I’m told often (by her too) that I’m very handsome. I really don’t know what is wrong…
I still get the same run-around;
a) you never do anything for me
b) I’m tired
c) I have a headache/stomach-ache/back-ache (you name it).
A few months ago, I finally burst and told her that it is not normal to have a marriage like this. She immediately got very upset, but the next day she admitted I was right and she needed to work on this. Now we have sex once, maybe twice in a month, if lucky. While it’s progress, I told her right away (when I burst) that once a week should be a minimum on average, and that the average couple has sex about 100 times/year (I read a study that said this). Obviously, we are still far from this.
Today, I took her on a date, we had a great time, and she was hinting quite a bit towards sex, but when we got home, she flat out said she was tired and was going to bed. I’m at my wits end… At this point, I’m so frustrated that if it wasn’t for the fact we have a daughter in elementary school, I’d divorce her right away. I don’t think she understands that if this goes on, I will leave her the moment I feel my daughter is old enough to handle it well. It seems cruel to tell her flat out as well… Any advice???