So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) To follow up on my previous post, I see some people giving advice on how to improve this.
a) I’m very clean, shower every day, dress sharp (I work in an office, so I wear nice pants/shirts etc.)
b) When we have sex, it is great. I always make sure I get her excited ‘down there” first. (On the flipside she has hardly ever bothered doing anything to make me excited.) We actually have a lot of fun, do different positions, and she seems extremely excited, and I’m well proportioned so to speak (certainly no male pornstar but more than sufficient). Yet, she seems to forget the pleasure of sex about 1 day after we have it, and goes back into her own world where nothing is ever good enough.
Anyway -advice is appreciated, but at least I got to vent…
(CANADA) It seems you have to remind her what marriage is all about. In marriage both partners have to take care of each other and that includes sex, preferably a lot of sex. Also find out what that “you never do anything for me” means. Maybe she wants that expensive semi professional camera for $2000 for her hobby or something else. If reason is something like that, then prepare in heavily invest into your relationship to make it to work.
For example, I don’t make big bucks, but my wife wanted semi professional camera. I got her camera, she wanted an Audi instead of a cheap Honda. I got her an audi. She wanted newest ipad, well I got her an ipad, even though we own a powerful laptop already. When any woman receives a good gift, it will make them harder to refuse their partners in making love.
Also, don’t flip next time but calmly explain that no-sex life might destroy your marriage and you are very serious about this matter. If she really cares about you she will invest (sex-wise) into your marriage as well. Hope it helps.
Also, if she does some household work, like cooking or cleaning, try to offer help. If she cooks, offer to clean potatoes or cut the bread. If she does laundry, offer to roll and separate clothes after they are dried. If she does major cleaning, offer to clean some part of the house as well. Use your imagination on this one. Teamwork is the key here.
On a comical side, before even hinting about sexual encounter, ask her whether she is tired, or is there something you can do for her or does she have headache/stomach-ache/back-ache. If she replies no then go ahead ask to make love to you. :)
(USA) Thanks Serge, Good points. I will say she has everything she would like materially. I will also say that cooking is one area where I am completely useless, and should probably make an effort ;)
(USA) Maybe it’s just timing. Building intimacy means different things to different people.
(USA) Thank you Michele, I know at times I have perhaps tried to initiate sex without doing romantic/enticing things throughout the day, but even when I do that, it is such a hit or miss that I feel stuck. At this point I am probably obsessing about it more than I should.
As a bit of a follow-up to the date we had yesterday, this morning she said we would have a quiet day so she should have lots of energy… we did have a pleasant and relaxing day, but when the evening came, she insisted our 8 year old daughter should get to sleep in our bed, so she effectively kicked me out. (There was nothing that happened where my daughter would need this, to be clear about that).
It’s just a vicious circle -now I’m so upset I’m sure I will be letting off bad vibes, and I’m so annoyed I can hardly even imagine giving her a hug tomorrow. Of course this will lead her to be more distant… etc. But I’m at the point of giving up.
(USA) You’re welcome Tom. I understand your frustration because my husband feels the same way. I have to become more open and receptive (I have) and he should re-evaluate his expectation. There is an article on the site (I forget), that addresses the assertion that married couples are rarely on the same page when it comes to intimacy and love making.
I am learning that we must have an attitude of servanthood toward our spouses. I can’t allow moods and everyday life struggles separate me from my husbands’ needs and affection. Tom, mind you we are coming to the end of an 8 month separation. Hindsight is 20/20. My husband has learned to not be as anxious to have sex and being content holding me and my hand. I can still see him struggle, but his effort to just love me has made me more open and receptive to our intimacy and love making (they are two different things).
Also, remember what you may think is preparing the way for love making may be preparation for a nap for her. Being a Mom and wife is exhausting, especially with young children. We have 3 that are ages 12, 9 and 6. We are also a mixed bunch as I have one from a previous relationship and he has 2.
Just remain in prayer and stand on God’s Word that there will be NO separateness in your marriage. Pray that God will synchronize your emotions and intimacy. Pray also that the lust of the eye, lust of the flesh and the pride of life will be banished from all aspects of your marriage. Lust can destroy. It rhymes with rust. Be blessed I am STANDNING on the word for everyone on this sites and my marriage. Check out the artice Standing For Your Marriage. I highly recommend it in these situations. Marriage is not easy, but God is on our side. Much love.
(CANADA) I was the wife with the non existing sex drive. I hated it when my husband asked me to have sex, I just didn’t feel any desire or feel good about sex. I think it all started with how I thought masturbation is wrong and sinful, which I came to associate with orgasm. I felt such guilt when I had an orgasm. When having sex with my husband I could not relax enough to come, didn’t trust him (I didn’t want him to see me naked and was so ashamed if he would see me enjoying sex) and felt dirty if I got aroused enough. We had premarital sex, which also contributed to this problem of me thinking that sex/orgasm is wrong. After we had sex, and me almost never having an orgasm I was aroused for several days after the act, ending with the compulsion of having to give myself an orgasm which made me feel so dirty, ashamed and guilty. I tried as often as I could to satisfy him quickly without getting aroused, leaving me empty and like I was being used in a sense.
I started withdrawing from my husband, trying to avoid hugs or anything just so he wouldn’t get horny. Sometimes I even started fights to put him in a bad mood just so he wouldn’t want to have sex that night. I hated how I felt and couldn’t get rid of the guilt and shame, I asked God to forgive me over and over and could not break free from this cycle.
Finally I started praying that God would give me desire for my husband. I asked God to just give it to me because I didn’t know how to do it. I also researched masturbation and the Bible, and noticed that it is not mentioned in the Bible. Finally I read this passage with fresh eyes: 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NIV) “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
It dawned on me that my body ‘does not belong to me ALONE but also to my husband’ …sexually. That means it is ok to touch yourself sometimes (my husband also gave me permission for that so I know it is not sinning against him). This was a huge breakthrough because I realized it is ok to feel good and to have an orgasm, a God given GIFT to me and my husband!
I don’t know if any other women struggles with this same thing or not but I decided to write this down in case you feel ashamed and guilty to have sex or to orgasm with your husband.
Since that breakthrough I got the courage to be totally open to my husband and tell him all of it. I got the courage let him watch me come to an orgasm, the first guilt free experience! It was so wonderful and happy! Now I can’t get enough of my husband. It has only been 2 months but I feel like this will never go away. All the guilt is gone and I can’t believe the gift that I have wasted for all these years (We had been married 14 years and usually only had sex from 1-2 times a month to sometimes once a week.) I used to think something was wrong with my husband wanting to try new things/positions in the bedroom and now I want to explore everything there is with him as long as we both feel comfortable with it :)
If you are the wife or husband with no desire, start to pray. It is according to God’s will that you should be able to enjoy having sex with your marriage partner and to have desire for him/her. And Jesus said “You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” (John 14:4) I can’t believe how much I desire my husband now, I constantly want to hold him, tell him how much I care for him, tell him how attractive he is to me, listen to his thoughts and just be as close as possible. How much I regret all the years I said no, even started fights to avoid sex, or had ‘duty-sex’. And how grateful am I for my dear husband’s patience with me and his love for me, that he didn’t give up on me or have an affair or something to get what should be his. And I’m most of all grateful for his forgiveness.
Now it is time to heal and grow together. I don’t know what the future brings but all I know is that I am completely in love with my husband and that I desire him much more then I ever did in my life. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
(US) My wife and I have a situation a little different than most of the folks here. The problem at first was not the frequency of the sex, but rather the quality. We are both in our early 30s and have been married for 3 years. I was a virgin (for religious reasons) when we got married, my wife was not. We got along great when we were dating.
After getting married, it didn’t take us too long to figure out that we had very different ideas about sex. I wanted to really savor each other, with lots of foreplay, kissing and touching. She will kiss me literally for one minute, then go directly to intercourse, with no other foreplay. Although she moves her body, she makes no sound at all and gives no sign of whether she’s enjoying it or not, no moaning, no heavy breathing, nothing.
I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but she’s from a third world country, where people don’t really get exposed to sex in books and magazines, or even talk very much about it. All of the things I’ve wanted to try, toys, fingers, different techniques, she would reject and say that they were not normal. Oral sex, both giving and receiving, would be maybe once a month. It didn’t matter what I said, she would not try any of the things I was interested in. She only wanted hurried intercourse, with no foreplay and little kissing. This didn’t excite me and I had trouble even getting an erection.
After about six months of this, I was sad, angry and demoralized. To me, this kind of sex was worse than no sex at all! So I started rejecting her for sex. Soon she did all of the initiating, and I rejected her about 70 percent of the time. This made her angry and sad too. So sex faded to about twice a month –and this was within the first year.
Two years later we were on a slow decline, and we were bickering and snapping at each other all the time. Then she decided that she wanted a baby, so she began initiating sex all the time. I knew that she just wanted a baby, and wasn’t trying to improve our relationship, so I rejected her even more often than before. I think we began to almost hate each other.
Then she got pregnant. Immediately she stopped nearly all physical contact with me, even hugs and kisses, which for me, were better than the sex we had. She had a rough pregnancy, and we had sex only six times in twelve months (she spent three months recovering from some complications). I became more bitter than ever during this time; I gave her what she wanted, and now she wouldn’t even hug or kiss me anymore.
We just had sex recently after months of nothing, and it was about as boring as I remember. The thing is, that I know she was making an effort this time. She initiated it, and did most of the work this time too, but still no foreplay.
I am sad, and I almost feel like getting a divorce, but for three things. I am a Christian. She hasn’t cheated on me (I’m sure, even though she is very attractive). We now have a child together. And, she really is a great person. She has almost all the qualities and personal I would ever want in a mate. But she is extremely stubborn and will not even try any of the things that interest me. I don’t know what exactly to do, but I don’t think this marriage will last another two years like this. I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks for listening to me, and I would appreciate ANY advice!
(UNITED STATES) From reading this article I have a feeling worried for my marriage’s sexual health. In some articles I have read where the writer thought that 300 times a year was too much. The subsequent comments were split down the middle in support and against that opinion. It was the respondents that were older and in long committed relationships that were in support of that opinion. Is the reality of long term marriage that bleak when it comes to the psychological health benefits of an active sex life?
“Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people are celibate —some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons —healthy humans have a strong desire for sex. In fact, lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric illness.” -What is Sexual Addiction-Michael Herkov, Ph.D
My wife and I are very experimental and have replaced quantity with quality. We incorporate mutual grooming, outfits, toys, and various bondage-domination/sado-masochist play into our routine. At the beginning of the relationship we would average to about 20-25 times in a week. This tapered down after six months to about 70 times a month. Now after seven years it’s down to 45 times in a month. The stage of her ovulation cycle determines the amount and intensity we indulge ourselves with each other. There is only three or five days spread through out the month where we do not have sex, which we make up for when we resume our sessions.
Our birth control of choice is natural family planning. We have a son that was conceived on the pill. After switching to NFP for five years with no pregnancies my wife took three regiments of the pill for the purpose of acne control. During this time we observed that which we already knew; that oral contraceptive is destructive to a woman’s sexual health. I am sure when a couple only copulates less than three times a week the decrease in drive and diminished female sexual response may go unnoticed. The menses that was released during these oral contraceptive cycles had a sickly appearance. The sex for both of us was not to the gratification level we are both used to.
There are mental issues that have been brought to the surface and it was by addressing these issues that we have been able to remain naked to one another. Without proper communication sex life suffers consequentially. When reading articles that mention high-achieving couples having sex less than once a week I cannot help but wonder. Do they talk? Are that which they talk about the things that their partner needs to know or are they chattering to keep the silence at bay. People forget that silence is a conversation tool that requires great listening skills.
I deeply enjoy my wife and want to keep enjoying her but from what I have been reading it seems that the way we carry on is unrealistic.
(MEXICO) I spent the last hour and a half reading the comments and I have a little trick I would like to share with you guys: At night when she is in bed take her an aspirin and a glass of water and give it to her, she’s gonna ask why? Tell her it’s for her headache, she will say: I Don’t Have a Headache …. Ahaa!! Busted!
I know she will find another excuse to not have sex but it will be funny the excuses not to have sex with your loved one.
(AUSTRALIA) I have read a few posts and people are not happy with a couple times a month. If only that was the case I would be a happy man. What do I do? I have tried everything people have mentioned, romantic nights, massages, etc etc nothing has worked. I am so sick of trying with the emotion coming from my wife. I have always said I will stick with her for the kids but years without sex, does not seem normal. She expects me to go the rest of my life like this? No way. You only live once. Like I said I have tried everything from 1000’s of marriage sites and still nothing :-(
(USA) What some may say would have been a mistake, even though it was the truth at the moment you said it, was to tell her that you would stay with her for the kids. You were attracted to her and not the unborn children you had with her. Now it is in her mind that you are in it for the kids. Some how you first have to convince her that you are in it for her.
As a man it may be a stretch to convince her that your life would fall apart if she was not in it. Our sense of self preservation keeps us from openly admitting this whether it is true or not she has to believe this. It is different then being convincing in the seduction game by believing the lies you tell women in order to get them to surrender.
The first thing sex therapist do with couples, married as well as uncommitted, is determine where the trust deficits are and build a foundation of trust. After a good base is established then gradual erotic experimentation with periodic shocks to the system can be applied to your forms of sexual expression. There is no limit to this except what you agree upon that day.
After reading the first couple of pages of comments the sexual issues are so deep professional help from outside the marriage would be necessary yet expensive. Conversation with your spouse is cheaper which in reality that is all a therapist is doing is to teach us how to communicate. The uncomfortable conversations are the most gainful as long as respect and consideration present.
(USA) I just wanted to comment that I’m 53 years old, and my wife, and I have sex anywhere from at least once aday up to 3 times a day. It’s fun to try different things to spice things up. We never get tired of sex. I don’t know if this is normal for two 53 yr old people to be this sexually active, but I hope we are still at it at 100.
(AFRICA) Hi, I have been married for four and half years and my wife seems to have a serious problem with my sex drive. If it is only once in a week, she tells me that I am a weekend sex person. I am sure that on average, I can safely say that we had sex once a week for sure. Sometimes it’s two times but rarely three times.
Just to give a little back ground. In the past four and half years of marriage, we have moved from one country to another, I had a complete melt down, and ended relations with my parents due to my parent’s obvious abusive behavior. At the moment I am studying and working and will be looking for a new job at the end of the year. Sometimes I have to work more than 10 hours a day and then study whenever I get time.
Now she has started to become to fussy about it and asks repeatedly for a divorce. I am kind of an introvert and usually don’t do romantic gestures such as kissing, flowers and etc. I feel extremely harassed and abused by the constant mention of my sexual drive. It has in fact further put me in to sort of an isolation box.
Can anyone suggest what should I do? Should I get a medical check up or anything else can be done. I guess the time for our marriage is running out and I am extremely tense.
KM, It would be a good idea to get a check up. You might have extremely low testosterone. Also, if by any chance you are pleasing yourself on the Internet with pornography — that needs to stop. You may be receiving a false type of “high” from the pictures that you’re viewing (if you are). Starving your eyes for only your wife can help. Also, we have an article (among many) on this web site that it would be good to read. Even though it’s written to women on the subject, you could look through it to see if there is anything there that gives you a clue as to why you are low on your desire for your wife. I’m thinking that depression and life circumstances have caused a lot of this, but I’m thinking there is more. Please read, Sex: When the Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love.
Also, please don’t allow yourself to buy into the state of mind that just because you are an Introvert and “usually don’t do romantic gestures such as kissing, flowers,” etc… that it’s okay to stay that way. There are lots of things that I didn’t “do” before marriage that I realized were important to start doing afterward. I committed to marriage –not to staying single in the way I conducted myself.
Your wife is crying out for romance. She’s crying out to be connected to her husband. Don’t retreat… you married this woman. You pledged your love to her. So follow through with your pledge –the love you vowed to give her and romance your bride. Four and a half years is a short time to be married. You need to step up as a man and say to yourself, “even though I wasn’t this way… I need to become this way because I’m married now and marriage is for grown-ups, and I will lean toward maturity and press on to show my wife the love I promised.”
In doing so, you may find the feelings kindling up a spark that you never knew possible. Don’t marry this lady and then retreat from showing her love. She needs it. Do what it takes to spark the love in her and the love in your own heart. Go and get tested by a doctor to see if you may have low testosterone levels or perhaps you’re on depression meds that also interfere with sexual drive. If so, that needs to be altered, as well. Be pro-active. Please don’t put your wife in the spot of begging and wanting something from someone else, when she has a husband who could and should give her what she needs. She needs you –all of you –your presence and your intentional gestures of love including kissing and flirting with her and buying her flowers, etc.
I believe as you do this and quit looking at what you aren’t used to doing and want to do or don’t want to do… but focus on showing love to your wife –through random acts of kindness, getting a check-up, finding ways to bless her with kissing, holding hands, giving her little gifts so she feel cared about, and stepping up the amount of times you approach her… I believe you will be amazed at how she is created to please you back. When her love tank is full, she will fill yours. Please prayerfully consider all of this — otherwise, you will end up divorced. Please don’t allow yourself to fall into that pit. Fight FOR your marriage. I know you can do it if you become more pro-active — and I don’t mean for a short time, but for the rest of your life –that’s what you promised your bride. Be a promise keeper… participate in being a marriage partner, rather than an excuse-giver. You will BOTH benefit from this if you do.
(UNITED STATES) Hello everyone, please be patient with me as I finally get off my shoulders and chest what has been there a VERY long time. I have been married to the same woman for 20 as of March 24th of this year and we are both still young. I am 43 and my wife is 39. We have 3 children with one out of the house living her own life, and the other two 15 and 9.
In the last 24 months we have been intimate 4 times. Prior to 2 years ago the track record is just as dismal. Before all the advice comes in saying try this and that, I will tell you I have tried not instigating but still holding hands back massages foot rubs evrything possible for weeks at a time with no requesting anything from her, just doing it massaging her until she falls asleep and telling her how much I love her, tried talking about it, asking what was wrong, her agreeing and saying ok we can work on it and then the night of intimacy takes place. Of course stamina is an issue I might as well be a 16 year old boy with raging hormones doing it for the 1st time and those are the greatest 2 minutes, explaining as it becomes more regular the time would become a non issue because practice make perfect. I do not leave her hanging by the way I make sure that she, for lack of a better phrase, I make sure she gets off.
So after the night happens the morning comes I am happy smiling good morning honey, I love you. I make dinner the next day, breakfast the next morning, weeks of the royal treatment, baths, candles, dinners, massages, you name it. I mean we’re talking about drawing a buble bath in a candle lighted bathroom pouring water over her shoulders with her robe and towel warming up in the dryer and wrapping them around her just as she gets out of the tub. The kicker is doing all those things with no expectations no implications no requests. But after a couple of weeks I make the 1st request with no success and ultimately as mentioned in the article after a while of spinning my wheels any form of intimacy is lost and we sit on separate couches. I pass out in the front room with the tv or the kids rather than go to bed… I avoid all physical contact with her not to be mean but again 16 year old raging hormones with the wind blowing.
So I avoid that situation… She acts as if there is something wrong when she invites me into the bathroom to talk when she is showering or bathing and I don’t go in because I don’t want to do that to myself. I see her in the tub, even with bubles covering her and I am going to get excited but I know there will be nothing but me going to bed frustrated after the fact. I have talked; we have arguments; I have asked and begged her to tell me what was wrong and I get nothing. I ask if it’s me. Am I doing something wrong? Is it something that has happened in her past? I have covered every single base. I did the doting husband telling her how beautiful she is. I just wanted to say I covered every base there is to cover to try find a resolution.
You know, I have heard because I’ve been reading these types of articles and support groups for years and never once shared anything until now. I read many of these and I honestly never judged anyone but when you see the one that says “I am just going to wait until my yougest child turns 18 and then I’m going to leave/ask for a divorce.” I used to get bothered when I saw someone write something stupid like that. Now I understand how someone’s frustration could bring them to think that way or self justify an affair. I have not had an affair, I don’t watch porn or disrespect my wife by looking at other women. Also I am not hideously ugly. I am constantly compared as a dead ringer for Bruce Willis and as far as my ability in that area I am not lacking.
So I finally shared now what… I am beyond frustrated. I am not just confused and hurt. Can a marriage with no sex survive? Is it only a matter of time before I look for the nurturing and affection I so greatly desire? I mean is there a breaking point before anger and frustration take over? I don’t think a person saying they are planning to leave when their youngest child turns 18 is accurate. I think it is just inevitable.
(CANADA) Hi Plissken. Wow, I feel so much empathy for you, and anyone, male or female, who is so kind to someone for so long, with nothing in return. It’s hard to believe that there are such kind people in the world, but, very comforting too. Sex seems to be the trickiest subject of all. I read so many of these posts and am in awe of how so many people honestly and bravely put forth their stories. So many people (me included) find it very difficult to write these things down, because it means we have to admit them to ourselves. So Bravo to you for your bravery, for your honesty, and, for being so kind to your wife.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if there is anything you can do about it. I was your wife once. When a woman (I can only speak for women) does not want sex, is not interested in sex, I honestly don’t think there is anything a man can do to to change this. My ex husband of course never really tried like you have, all he did was grab at my body parts and tell me that there was a thing welling up in his brain. I can tell you that this is a sure fire way to turn your wife away. But you have not done this, and for that, I commend you highly, it is very touching. But what I can tell you is that if your loving methodology is not working, if your wife can actually relax while you rub her feet, and she is still not aroused, then unfortunately there is not much more you can do.
For me, I don’t know exactly what turned my desire back on, but I can tell you that when it did finally come back on (it was off from Childbirth to 9 years), I was not looking to my husband. My point? I don’t think you can turn it back on for her. But you are not alone, and it is not your problem to solve. I swear this to you. Of course now that I am turned back on by a man whom I love deeply, I have promised myself to never, ever, barring hospitalization, say no to him. I believe that once a woman says no once, there is no turning back. A woman must never let herself get into the headspace where sex is not a priority. It is the most dangerous thing you can do for your marriage. I loved my husband deeply and for a long time, yet I believe that this one act of refusing him destroyed us. Note to self, never repeat. God Bless.
(UNITED STATES) Bridg, Thank you for your kind words and support. It did take a lot to finally come fourth and write about my problems. I do love my wife and would like nothing more than for her to enjoy that part of life with me. I was sorry and scared to read that your problem ended in a way I would hate, I would really just like more than ever for her to desire that in her life. I told her about this site marriagemissions.com and when she did read some things the only thing she saw was I am trying to manipulate her and twist scripture into my favor…
Before anyone else thinks that… I opened the area that covers sexual issues and told her I was not pointing any fingers in her direction. So I apologized profusly explaining I am trying to help our marriage sustain another 20 years. I tried to explain that I could see how if I were her I could see how she might take offense to what she was reading but it didn’t change the fact that she thinks it is twisted. I even went as far as to show her the areas to which it was the husband depriving the wife and the same words applied to him as they did her. I told her I am just trying to cement the spiritual part of our marriage and wanted to share with her on another level all together.
This is so very confusing. We read several posts together and I got a lot of sighs and “thats ridiculous” comments. When I told her I was sorry for bringing it up to be honest, I told her I talked to our eldest daughter about this site, although not the area that we are having trouble in. I told her this would help her and her new husband of 1 year to get past the hardest parts of their marriage and they could over come any and all obstacles with God. I explained to her there is scripture to address every problem they may encounter and that I would help them if I could.
I guess I am only going to have that in my life through infidelity or a friend with benefits situation. Unfortunately I have too much self respect to do that and I won’t disrespect my wife by looking at porn on the internet. So the final outcome is unknown and scary… I do not want to be a statistic. Well anyway …Thank you again for the words of encouragement.
Well at least some woman gets it.so sad he had to wait and you must be happy be a distant memory. So sad men have a beautiful wife and what follows is (I’m tired and not tonight or tomorrow night or the next) divorce. Don’t say anything like the d word to your husband ever. It’s not going to change or make him feel guilty for wanting what is his. We’re sick of it and if you don’t provide a husband’s right you will change our desire and not want to provide security for you.
(US) This article has helped a lot. For a second I thought I was really a sex fein too. Reading this makes me not feel alone. It’s good to know my life is normal. I’ll take most of the women’s advice and make life more pleasurable then the bed. I love my wife and hope to love her the same or even more 20 yrs from now.
(CANADA) I have been in a marriage for a long time. I am married to a man that makes drastic attempts to manipulate and make me feel guilty for not wanting sex. Men don’t seem to understand what a horrible turn off this is. Not only that but it brings up red flags. Women need to feel cherished, not used as some kind of sex toy. Women’s needs are just different then mens. They don’t crave sex as much as men do and for them the relationship has deeper meaning then just sex. Sex is a two way thing, not just intended for men.
To all the men that constantly ask your wives for sex, it’s no wonder they have no desire. If she’s not interested, she’s not interested. Don’t harass her. If you want her sex desire to increase or return then get off her case and let her ask for it when she’s in the mood. There is nothing worse than a sexually aggessive man that only thinks about his own needs.
(USA) Sue, This can be turned around as well. It is not a one way street. Many a man could write:
“I have been in a marriage for a long time. I am married to a woman that makes drastic attempts to manipulate and make me feel guilty for wanting to have sex. Women don’t seem to understand what a horrible turn off this is. Not only that, but it brings up red flags. Men need to be desired, not used as some kind of laborer, or ATM machine. Men’s needs are different than women. They don’t crave conversation as much as men do, and the relationship has a much deeper meaning than being celibate. In fact every other relationship I have is a celibate relationship. What makes the relationship between my wife and me special and sacred is the physical aspect of it. Without that part, it’s a very shallow and run of the mill, everyday friendship.
“To all the women who constantly deny your husbands sex, it’s no wonder they have no desire to serve you or to just sit and talk. If you want his desire for those little romantic gestures or conversation to increase, then get off his case and proactively initiate sex. Don’t just wait until you are in the mood. There is nothing worse than an asexual wife who only thinks of her needs and calls her husbands need for sex shallow.”
Well I’m so confused again by women’s comments. Why is sex so great and romantic the first two years or one if we’re lucky.
What follows is “it’s a turn off”. Really? I’m going to say it’s a real turn off going to work for 70 hrs a week and I’m quitting my job!
(CANADA) I so feel for you. I am in a sexless marriage with my wife and it sucks big time. I have tried and tried but to no avail. We have made love 15 times in the last 5 years. Bummer!
(USA) My wife and I have been married for only 3 months. She is a beautiful sexy young woman. I am 18 years older than she is, and I do tell her she is beatiful and sexy. I do things for her that I know makes her feel wanted and appreciated. As a man, it has always been important for me to do everything I could to put her first in my life because I do love her so very much. I also know that she loves me dearly, and we tell each other that everyday.
The problem is this: At age 62, I have a tremendous sex drive, and my wife’s sex drive is very low. I want her to take the initiative to be the one to approach me for sex. You would think that I would be the one with the sex problem, but that isn’t the case! I had my first sexual experince at age 10 with a girl that was older than me, and it has been going strong ever since. I want more from her than just once every 2 weeks. Infidelity is not he problem, so what do I do? Geared Up and Ready to Go!
(INDIA) I am 30 years old man and my wife is a year younger to me. We have a daughter who is 20 months old. That is a brief about my family. I am going through crisis time and I need help suggestion, or whatever I can get. I am an Indian, and I married a partner of my choice. In this part of the world there is something known as “Arranged Marriage”, where your parents can look up an alliance and get the guy/gal married. So from that perspective I knew her before we got married.
We have seen each other through tough times as live-in committed partners, before getting married. Sex is a hush-hush subject in this part of the world. Based on the time spent with each other prior to marriage I was aware of my partner’s appetite for sex, and I knew then I will be a happy man on this aspect.
The trouble started after we had our daughter. After birth of our daughter she kept in mind that she was also a wife, and even if we could not have sex, she would understand my need. Honestly it felt heavenly, as she was balancing her role as a mother and a wife. The very effort she made made me feel very blessed. This is one need I want one person to fulfill and frankly, the effort put forth was worth appreciated. But there came a slump, quite immediately after this.
This was the phase when I knew her physical condition was better, post child birth. This is when the frequency was may be 1-2 times a month, and I had known this was just a phase. As our daughter turned a year old and the frequency stayed as 2-3 times a month. I started to feel discomfort, and started to give signals.
I was expecting an improvement in the frequency, and that is when I was told by her that I should be happy with what I get in life. This is phase when frustration started creeping into me. By nature I try and be as helpful to my wife as I possibly can be, and I make it a point to help my wife with daily chores. Thanks to my bachelorhood days, I’m aware of the pains of having to do things all by myself.
At this juncture, I have communicated to my wife numerous ways, that sex is a need for me. I also suggested to her we need to plan the day, to make time for sex. I also told her “we have steal time, to make time for sex”. The motivation for sex for me is desire to make love. Things started to get nasty in my mind, when I one day she told me that her friend told her, that she has sex with her husband maybe once a month. What really amazes me is we have started talking to each other in striking deals? If she needs something she would wrap it around my need for sex. And I have started feeling my wife is hanging a carrot in front of me, no matter how much I walk that carrot will not be with me.
I have told my wife that is one of the many things that is crucial and I would want from her only. When I tell her she then listens with no arguments sometimes, and sometimes telling me that I should be happy with what I get. I have told her this would leave me frustrated, and that it will show in some manner. I will not cheat on her in any manner as it is a matter of principle for me. But I am losing it; porn started creeping into my life. The attitude, with which I was using it, is sad. My wife is aware I have seen porn, and she believes it is act of a loser. In some way I agree, but I would like her to see beyond. I am using some time tested measures to keep myself away from it, and in a way I like it.
I have a problem of narcotics and alcohol, and I’ve been away from both for good 9 years. It is an everyday effort. I believe losing oneself is one of their greatest fears, and I am facing it now. And this frustration within, how long will I be able to carry on?
All in all, our daughter is very important to us, but we will be able to enjoy that when we’re there together. We’re mortals, and life can sometimes do really shocking things. I would like suggestions to understand where I am going wrong, and start it off where can I start from.
(CANADA) I don’t understand why people mention how good looking they are here in relation to sex? Don’t you love each other? …signed, confused.