So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) As the article discusses, it’s important to understand that a woman’s sex drive and a man’s sex drive are affected by very different factors. As per the usual my husband’s sex drive is much higher than mine. I think he would be happy with having sex every day, while I’m happy with having sex once every 1-2 weeks. During our 12 year marriage we have run into conflicts regarding this difference, and the resolution has been to compromise. I explained to him when he pressures me or tries to make me feel guilty about not having sex as often as he would like that it makes me resent him. As a woman’s sex drives are often tied to emotional security, this worsens the situation. He has agreed not to pressure me about sex and I have agreed to try to have sex at least once a week.
In most marriages, (except the rare marriage in which both partners are happy with no sex) sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. Therefore, even when I’m not in the “mood” I try to meet him in the middle. Sometimes when my sex drive is especially low, I read erotica. Pornography bothers me because I cannot disassociate that the women and men in the pornography are real people and I feel bad for them. I allow myself to enjoy the erotica because it’s truly just a fantasy. I think the solution is communication, communication, communication, and a lot of compromise on both sides.
(USA) If my man cares about my desires, and he does now FINALLY after 24 years. I’m an every day girl at 49. He cannot keep up with me though. He’s an every 3 days guy at 46 :/
(USA) I never thought I would be doing this, but I have been married for 24 1/2 years. I have never had a high sex drive, but my spouse has always had a sex drive even to this day. He thought that when I turned 40 that my sex drive would pick up, and I though that when he turned 40 that his would slow down. It was not so. I have always thought that my spouse’s sexual appetite was abnormal. I could get by real good with 2 times a week. My spouse wants it everyday. He wants it so much that I don’t have the desire. I am good and ready maybe in two days afterwards. He just does not understand.
I feel distraught now because I believe there is an addiction. My spouse spends a lot of time with his cell phone in the bathroom and finally when I confronted him; he said that I did not sexually satisfy him. That was hurtful. I believe that if I did it everyday, he still would not be satisfied. What is considered normal sex in a marriage? Somebody help me understand. It appears that divorce is now imminent.
(CANADA) Helen, Question. Did you ever have sex every day? If you have never, why don’t you try? Here’s why: your husband’s appetite may slow down once he’s faced with the reality of every day. I have spoken to a few men now who say that every day is actually exhausting. Give it a try?
(USA) Bridg, no I haven’t. I keep telling myself my body is not physically ready for back to back rounds. But your suggestion has been well received. I am glad I found this sight. It has been a great help to me.
(USA) To want to have sex with your wife is NOT an addiction. Make a deal. He stops with the cell phone in the bathroom and you stop telling him that he wants too much sex. Both actions prevent the two of you from understanding one another.
It’s not just him that doesn’t understand you. Apparently you don’t understand him. After all, if he’s told you he wants sex everyday and you are not willing to provide that, what part of that demonstrates you understanding him? If he were here, I’d say the same about him going it alone in the bathroom. So what I’m saying is both of you knock it off.
Sex is a great thing. In my mind, there is no such thing as too much. There may be such a thing as enough. But that may not be the same for both folks. So why ration it? If you are good with twice a week, won’t you still be satisfied if you have it more often? It sounds like your husband will.
(USA) Tony, it is not the sex itself, but it is the amount of it that I think is an addiction. I have been reading that the average is maybe two to three time a week. However, your suggestion has been well received. Compromising may not be a bad thing. Thanks for your honest input.
(USA) Helen, it really isn’t your call to say that his amount constitutes an addiction. I have yet to find in the Bible where it says there is too much sex.
It does say that if there is NOT going to be any sex, then it has to be a mutual decision. If you take it to the extreme, instead of asking for sex, I’m thinking it’s the other way around. Sex should be the norm and asking NOT to have sex should be an extraordinary occurrence where you both have to agree for it to happen.
Finally, let’s turn this around and look at it from a different perspective. Would you want him saying the amount of “not having sex” you want constitutes an addiction to not having sex? In other words, if you don’t want sex everyday, then by your definition, it’s an addiction. Do you want to be held to the same standard you hold your husband?
It’s just a matter of perspective and one could argue, using your logical constructs that your desire to NOT have sex is so frequent that it constitutes an addiction to not having sex.
(AUSTRALIA) I feel the same as you. Even if we did it everyday, which we have gone thru phases of this,,,he then complains that i’m not the one making moves on him 50% of the time. What ?!!
(NAMIBIA) I don’t understand. I am totally confused. When I started reading through these comment I became more and more confused. All I wanted from this website is to find out if I am normal or sick to want sex almost daily. That’s all. Can someone just answer me, please?
It’s normal to want sex with your wife everyday. I do. I’m normal. My wife for the longest time didn’t understand that sex is the way that I feel emotionally filled.
Now that we have sex everyday we talk more, I care for her more deeply, I am more prone to help around the house, and I’m way more patient with the kids.
What isn’t normal is to go outside the bounds of your marriage. No porn, no clubs, no adultery. Stay focused on her. She will come around, pray for strengh and wisdom. I’m convinced God wants you to be intimate with your wife often.
(PUERTO RICO) Hello CJ and everyone else that is here with the frustrations of being married to someone that does not want to have sex. I have been married for 31 years to a man that does not want to have sex with me. I stayed with him because I had children early on in our marriage. I got married when I was 21 and he was 29. I feel like I have sacrificed my sex life as a woman. I stayed married with him because of our children but it has been very difficult for me over the years.
I have been rejected by my husband so many times my self esteem just plummeted. I always thought I was ugliest woman in the world. I felt like I was a monster, but yesterday I was looking at pictures of me when I was younger and I was really beautiful. I wished I wouldn’t have felt that way for so many years. I do not recommend other people to stay with someone that is constantly rejecting them. It is very hurtful.
About a year ago I decided to move to another bedroom. That way I don’t have to feel his body next to mine and that helped me. Right now I have accepted my life without sex. It is better than sleeping with someone that rejects you. I have thought about being with someone else but I guess I have never dared to do it. I would tell anyone in this situation to LOOK FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE A HAPPY AND SATISFIED LIFE.
(ZAMBIA) This site has awakened me to reality. The reason I came to site was to find out how much is enough sex in a week -and I’m shocked at the discovery. My hubby and I have sex every day. I’m sexually active the whole time unless I’m really exhausted from work then we skip few days. I sometimes initiate sex myself. We have no problem in that department. I thought I should check if we are overdoing it.
I feel for the other couples that have dealt with this for months or a countable 10 times in a year. I am 34 and hubby 43 and we are very close. However, our friend couple are experiencing the same thing most couples on this site are and we just wished we could help or offer suggestions.
(AUSTRALIA) I’ve been married for 15 yrs. I am 41, hubby 52. It used to be good 2 x week… even with 3 x kids all under 4 years… first 5 years of marriage basically babies, babies, babies.
I never said no unless it actually hurt (right after babies maybe) or if I was actually very sick. I always participated and gave oral and got sexy clothes and suggested and tried all different positions. 2 years ago I found out hubby had an affair, 3 years previously (he told me, guilt got to him )… paid for kind?… while things were good with us in the bedroom and I thought other areas also things were good for a while with me initiating it every time as I told him he wasn’t allowed to touch me.
We slowed down a bit cause we decided to have another baby. During pregnancy, I was very sick with evening sickness 5 months then got fatter, and it got harder and maybe only 1 times month… had difficult birth and basically only 6 times in last year weve done it.
I don’t want him to touch me anymore. I am angry with him for affair. He says I don’t love him cause I didn’t make moves on him 50% of time??? even though I never or hardly ever said no and even did some adventurous stuff in the car at my suggestion. Now he says if only he could have it 1 x week with me trying it on him 25% of time then he’d be happy… But he wasn’t happy with 2 to 3 times and me never saying NO???
I have chatted with friends about sex life and I only know 1 friend who has the supposed normal 2 times a week… most of them maybe 1 x month or less.
He thinks he is so hard done by (which he is right now) but I need to feel good about our relationship again. I want to try but I am scared he will never be happy. Anyway, baby 4 born 1 year ago.
(USA) I’ve been reading this post it’s very sad that couples use the economy, kids, and work as an excuse not to have sex. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 3 kids and take care of his parents. We both work full time and my husband owns his own company, which is a 24 hour heating and air company. Our life is very busy but we find time for sex. We have sex every chance we get, morning, afternoon or night. The most we haven’t had sex was 4 days in 5 years. So come on people, find time for each other; get out of your routine.
(USA) I truly feel for some of the women I see post on this blog, but I am at a loss for what to do in my marriage. I have never felt so separated from my wife as I do now. I have always had a higher sex drive than her, but the chasm has gotten much wider over the years. I work full-time and pastor a church. My wife is a stay-at-home mom of 2 wonderful boys (5 & 2). I help with dinner, bathing the kids, and even laundry when I feel she’s getting overwhelmed. I do not have a pornography issue, I don’t cheat (emotionally or physically), yet we are in the middle of another 4 week stretch where there is just no interest on her part. I’m ALWAYS the one to initiate and then made to feel like I’m asking too much.
At the least I feel she no longer finds me attractive; at the worst I feel she doesn’t love me anymore or has someone else.
I feel conflicted in being the one to always initiate because she acts as though I’m always pressuring her to have sex. I completely give her a pass when she’s on her period, but during the other times, I feel utterly rejected. That’s how I ended up on this site. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being unreasonable.
I know I sound like a sobby, whiny husband, but I’m truly at my wits end here.
Have her read Dr. Laura’s book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
. Chapter 9 will help.
You need 3 things. Food, Sex, and… I forget the other thing. If all you get is food, her life will stink, because for sure yours does.
(USA) I found this string of posts because my husband has been feeling sexually deprived. We are both 29. We started dating in 2007. We moved in together after dating only three months and then about a month later I found out I was pregnant. Then when our daughter was only 3 months old I became pregnant again. We ended up moving in with my mom for a year and moved back out on our own when our second child was about nine months old. We just got married fall 2012. Life has been kinda crazy. I couldn’t understand why sex is so important to him. It just hasn’t been a top priority for me. Working full time and raising almost Irish twins is draining. Reading posts from those on the other end of this sex issue has opened my eyes a lot and I’m hoping I will be able to up my sex drive somehow or at least let him seduce me when he tries instead of pushing him away. Any suggestions are appreciated. Thanks for opening my eyes everyone.
Use a vibrator. Get the Magic wand. When you know that you will orgasm every time when you make love together, it changes your mood and desire. My wife now climaxes multiple times, all the time. It was a total game changer for her. It’s a bit intimidating, but worth trying out for the sake of your marriage and your husband’s emotional well being.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. I am 36 and he is 38. We also have a 1 year old. I am concerned about our sex life because all these doctors on tv and the articles I read say that sex is very important to you health, not to mention makes for a better marriage. The first year we averaged 2-3 times a week. Now, we are averaging 1-2 times a month and on my part it is forced and not all that enjoyable.
Here is a little more back ground. I have never been a high sex drive person, even as a teen. I have only had like 5 orgasms in my life. I have had to fake it so many times and I am tired of faking. I honestly think there is something wrong with me. There is also things like the fact that I lost three pregnancies and went through multiple fertility treatments in three years. My husband’s libido also completely dropped too. We found out that his testosterone dropped because of a pituitary problem of which he is on meds for, but it has only slightly increased his sex drive. I am also on cholesterol meds that have a side effect of lowering sex drive. Like I need that to happen.
So now it is like when he actually wants it, I am like thinking lets get this over with or just say I am not in the mood. I don’t know what to do to improve things. I have tried telling him things that might help get me going better and he will be all for it then he only tries it once then it’s back to the same old thing. For example, I am not at all turned on by all the tongue action. I have showed him the kind of kisses that turn me on, but its always back to the tongue jammed down my throat. I want to think that if I actually got something out of sex that my drive would be higher for it, but maybe not.
I have been concerned for a while, but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal when I bring it up. He just says that he loves me, doesn’t know what he would do without me and that we have a great marriage compared to other people. We both work hard, share taking care of our daughter, home and animals. We hardly ever argue. We agree on what we want for our future and how to raise our kids. We both believe the same about religion. We both love family. We have a few similar interest like loving movies and traveling and we have our own interest too. So he doesn’t understand why I feel like we are roommates instead of married couple.
I have been thinking of suggesting couples (sex) therapy, but don’t know if he will go for it or even if it will help. Or should I just leave it alone. What to do, what to do?
(US) We’ve been married 23 plus years. Wife is 72 and husband is 62. Wife is retired. Husband is a farmer, works outside 8-10 hours a day. Wife provides meals, clean home, and pays for most her bills from social security. Husband provides a home from parents, electrical bill and gas for vehicles. Sex is nil. Too tired he says. Wife given up on intiation. Still cuddles at night in bed. Husband will hug wife if wife hugs first. Husband will kiss if wife kisses first. Husband has no affection during day, no pats, hugs, just interested in getting work done.
Wife reads history/fiction, crochets, plays cards with other ‘old’ woman, husband has no interest in cards, doing things with other couples, very antisocial. When having sex, once every six months, husband impatient for wife to get herself excited. He lays on top and squirms a little and is done. No afterplay, no words of affection. Wife would like to have at least one experience of a loving sexual event before dying. Won’t happen as adultery is out of the question. At least wife has roof over her head, clothes on her back, food in her belly. Sigh.
(USA) I’m with Rob. I finally gave up after so many attempts. I too felt like I was the one with the Over drive problem. My soon to be X-wife averaged 1 every month and a half to 2. I understood she had complications due to an affect caused by birth control pills. We worked with a doctor on the matter. 3 Years later. We are at the same rate. The doctor suggested she improve her diet, never attempted to even try. I had turned into a bit of an alcoholic due to not having anything else to do.
Our relationship aside from that, I held a hand all the time. I tried to be supportive. She can’t have children, works a part time job and is always tired. She is attractive. But it feels like putting on make up is the only thing she puts any effort in. (I know I sound bitter.) I did this search online to make sure I am not crazy. As of today I have lost all desire to reconcile. This has played with my esteem, health and confidence.
Before this marriage I would get complimented on how much of a great lover I was. Now I have gotten, you’re not as good as you think. My answer is I never got a chance to prove it with the quality and quantity being inconsistent. I know it’s not me. Fortunately for me, part of my culture is full of beautiful women that take pride in their men, and honor for the things she complains about having to do. It’s discusting to have to talk about something that should be so natural in marriage. I won’t force a thing ever. I will divorce this corpses and fly to that little island in the Carribean and see what might be my birth right.
This has all been very painful, but I’m decided it’s done and I want to feel wanted again. Thanks.
(USA) This article is a good reflection of a lot of marriages. Sadly, mine is one of them. We have been married for 14 years, and for the past 8, sex has been a source of great emotional pain for me. At best, we have sex once a month, but there have been times when we have gone for over 3 months. My wife says she has never been physically attracted to me, but that she loves me and I am her best friend, that she fell in love with my heart. She sees being intimate as an act of selfless love on her part, but admits she is just not that into it, and does it for me.
You have no idea how bad that makes me feel about myself, and about sex. I just don’t understand. I mean, I’m not a bad looking guy. I am fit as I exercise regularly (avid runner), I dress well, and I’m a gentleman. I try to always put her needs first; as a result, I never initiate sex because I know it’s not something she really enjoys, at least not with me. When we have discussed this issue, she has told me that there was a time in her life she really enjoyed sex, albeit with someone else. That has created a permanent image in my mind of her being passionate, more expressive, and surrendering herself in a way she never has with me. I feel awful.
I think our marriage resembles Jesus’ comment to the Pharisees -white wash tombs, but full of dead men’s bones. We look good on the outside to everyone else, but inside, we are just dead. Or at least I am. The sad thing is that we get along great in every other way. We share the same faith, the same values. We enjoy each other’s company and have many interests in common, all except the bedroom.
My wife isn’t mean about it, just matter of fact. And when we are intimate, I can’t fully enjoy because I know she isn’t into it.
I love her, but I’m also resentful. I don’t plan on divorcing because I took those vows before God and I intend to be faithful. But I know this is not His will. I have suggested counseling, but she avoids that topic at all cost. She says we are the norm, that her other friends are the same way. If they are, then I know their husbands are miserable like me. How can we remedy this?
(CANADA) Tim, I will pray for you. Ask your wife to read the article here on this board: https://marriagemissions.com/to-wives-why-is-sex-so-important/comment-page-16/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A%20CommentsForMarriageMissions%20%28Comments%20for%20Marriage%20Missions%29&utm_content=Bloglines. Make sure she knows that it goes both ways, that the words ‘man and men’ in this article can be replaced by woman. Good luck.
(USA) Thanks Bridg, I appreciate your prayers. I will suggest this article to her, but she has read similiar things before to no avail. Like I said, she is not mean about it, just not that into it with me. I don’t understand.
DON’T get married! Why? Most men, and I’m talking about REAL MEN (not pathtic, I worked so hard today sniveling boys) work a minimum of 40 hrs a week (we wish) and more like 50 -70 hrs is the norm. So we go to work, and work like dogs. We provide trying to improve the family life, style or needs for the “woman of our dreams” and in return we hope for a hot (not from KFC) dinner and a glimpse of her body other than wearing sweats and her saying, as you try and kiss her “I had a bad day”. Again? I say. Well it’s the man cave or beer headed my way again.
So she had a bad day 1, dropping kids off to school 2, meeting girls for coffee for two – four hrs. 3, taking nap before picking up kids and she dose some laundry and dishes. The self deserving attitude of stay at home moms. Ya, this is what men want! The kicker is “when are you going to clean the tub”?
Men want the woman he married and not a mom they left you for. We’re not smart or complicated. You rule Over us and we would lay our life down for you. You have no idea how far we will go to please and comfort when you just give US A LITTLE ATTENTION. I know it goes both ways, men know this but your the woman who knows us and what makes us tick. Don’t get lazy or: well that’s why we’re here at this thread isn’t it.
I pray for your peace and love for all of us on this site looking for “WHY DOSENT MY SPOUSE ——–? One last comment; wife’s, wear your under-wear when he gets home and see if he cleans the tub with you . I’m sure it will be the cleanest tub on the block!
(USA) I’m 30 and while I think the sex life between my wife and I is fine, she really thinks there’s something wrong with me because I don’t want sex every time it’s offered. She wants sex everyday and sometime I try but physically just can’t and now I’m scared to even try because if I can’t finish it leaves her feeling bad and if I don’t try she feels bad. I don’t know what the heck to do. I’d think 1-3 times a week should be adequate. But the other issue is that she wants to get pregnant so bad I think I’m doing a diservice to our future by not being able to perform daily or when she wants of. Help me!”
(USA) Kevin, Honestly, I would be thrilled if my husband had sex with me every week and estatic if it was 3 times a week! Of course, that’s because mine only wants it every couple months :( …Anyway, as a woman who recently went through a long period of TTC, I understand the wanting sex more often in an attempt to not miss the opportunity to get pregnant. Perhaps if she watched her cycle or used Ovulation Prediction Kits so that she knew for a fact when she was ovulating vs having to guess, she would know when it was important to have sex with you for baby making purposes, vs when she wants it for other reasons.
I will say that you should speak with her because the pressure is probably what’s making it difficult for you to perform. She needs to let you relax (if only it were that easy for me!) and realize that you’re not “doing a disservice to your future” as you put it, the baby will come when it’s good and ready. When you are meant to have a child, the baby will be sent to you.
I am currently 6 months pregnant and we only had sex once a month for a few months (3 maximum) in order to conceive that time (we had taken a long break after a miscarriage last year so we tried for a year and a half total but only 3 months from the time we started again after a 9 month break). So it is EASILY possible with you only having sex one to 3 times a week, she just needs to know when she ovulates to make the most of your time together. TTC sex is most definitely the most stressful kind of sex, so make sure that once you know when she ovulates either through Natural Family Planning or OPK’s, that you also have just for fun sex too.
Also, understand how upset she will be EVERYTIME she gets her period during this process. It’s definitely a hit to the soul, especially the longer it goes on. However, both of you should know that even healthy couples having sex everyday only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant during any given month so if you’re new to this, don’t be too discouraged if it doesn’t happen immediately. Sending baby dust your way and good luck with everything!!!
(UNITED STATES) I have been married for 15 years I married my highschool sweetheart. We went through a lot before we got married. My husband was quite the sex maniac before we married, even a womanizer. However, he settled down and we married. We had our one and only child in 2000 and after we had our child it seemed our sex life has been troubled ever since. When I met my husband he was not my first but I was not as experienced as he was. However, sex is like riding a bike once you get the gyst of it you are okay. As a matter of fact once you learn you get better and better. I actually think this is what happened in the case of my marriage.
After I had our child he got weird. He wanted to manipulate our sex. He claimed it was because of the fact he wanted us to wait four or five years for another child. He never cleared his decision with me. I was already on the pill and I was truly thinking maybe wait one or two years. But he was so serious that despite me being on the pill he limited our sex. Next thing I know we are not having sex and he seemed okay with this. It went on for three or our years with minimal sex and a complete end to any affection because that would lead up to sex. For him this seemed the perfect plan to keep us on track of getting a house and our finances together.
Well, we got a house and after I finally got up the courage to tell him this was not working he seemed to try but it then faded again and again. No matter how much we talk about it, it seems we keep rounding out to a sexless marriage for the majority of the years that we have remained married. We’re good friends and as long as I’m not trying to hug kiss or have sex it seems our marriage is okay. And let us not forget the most important other detail as long as I am not mentioning it he is okay. My sex drive is extremely high and my needs do outweight his. The last conversation we had is that he feels sometimes he can’t please me.
Well, I did not tell him but a lot of times he does not complete the job. I really think with all my heart he may have an issue medically. But he is too proud to admit it. Whatever, it is I’m sick of having a marriage in which we go months without sex, on an average it’s shameful how much we have sex.