So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) @Jeni… in reading your story about your marriage, I see a lot of similarities to my own. Although, unlike you, I never saw the situation as being because I was less of a woman because I knew I was normal and that something was definitely wrong with him. I thought we would have sex about 2x’s per week once we were married. My husband thought once a month was good. I was a sexy 21 year old with raging hormones and had to put up with a husband who thought I made too much out of it. Like your husband he was not touchy feely and never patted my behind or grabbed me while I was cooking etc. I ended up having a very unfulfilled sex life.
I tried talking to him from time to time when I got frustrated and he promised to try, but it would never last. He tried to blame me and said that it was because I gained weight etc. That was his attempt to blame me and I knew it was BS. As we got older the once a month became once every 2 or 3 months. I should have left him. I made the decision to stay with him because he had so many other great qualities. He was helpful with chores and with our son. He was thoughtful in so many other ways. And when we had sex it was always good. I just figured that God made us that way. I never cheated because I always believed in fidelity in marraige.
To this day I still feel unfulfilled!!! We are now in our mid 60’s and retired. I made the decision to sleep by myself and forego having sex whenever he daned to think of it. I thought if we were not going to have sex anymore I was at least going to have my own room and my own bed!!! I want to be comfortable. If I want sex I can satisfy myself!
After 6 years of my decision to give up on a normal marraige based on sex, my husband now runs around every morning with his stuff hanging out and loves to come into my bedroom and sit with me in the nude. Maybe he thinks it will turn me on… it doesn’t!!! Even if it did, guess what, he is getting to experience what I’ve had to go through for 45 plus years!!! Too bad.
Back in January of this year, I wrote my husband a long letter asking some questions that haunted me as to why our marraige was so sexless. Did he do it to punish me? Did he feel it gave him more control over me because I have such a strong personality? That was what I always assumed. Back in the 60’s there was no one to consult or ask if this was normal. You couldn’t google and ask questions. I was embarrassed to ask my sisters, mother or friends. I felt alone in my struggle to come to grips with the fact that my marraige was so sexless. He took many days to answer and really never gave me an answer. It was a lot of the same excuses.
I’ve given up ever trying to understand what the problem was. All I know is that it’s too late. I missed a good part of my youth, looking for love. Being stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage was not a good choice. I’m in my mid 6o’s and have a lot of medical problems so sex is not an issue in the forefront of my mind.
(CANADA) Dear Toni, Here’s hoping that your post will be words of wisdom for the many, many young men and women who read this message board. Sometimes there are things which have no answers I guess… frustrating I hear you. God bless.
(UNITED STATES) When me and my wife got together we had sex 5 times a day, because we were just so connected, we hardly have sex now. I am not mad because I love her and rather masturbate than leave her over something so stupid. One time I we did it 10 times in a couple of hours lol she orgasm more than me; she still does when we do it. However she really does want to have sex with me; she has even said it. She has crohns disease so it hurts so severely that she cannot have sex with me and it can last weeks to months. So these are the exceptions I think, if she physically can’t then why be mad about it?
Also I think our love is beyond sex (don’t get me wrong it is the best ever). I have told her many times that I only have eyes and a heart for her. I also told her that if she cannot have sex with me than do not because I can live with out it. All I want is to be loved by her and be intimate in different ways.
All these husbands on here… don’t leave your wife so quick. Just remember why you fell in love with her. Like my wife, her beautiful smile and laugh with a snort lol, how could you not love that? Wow! I ranted so much I do not think any of it makes sense. Lol sorry.
(USA) I’ve been married 30 yrs, and my sex drive has not diminished, but my wife has lost interest. We used to have sex about 30 times in a 24 hour period, when we first got married, even though I’d work 10 hours, and went to school full time. I thought marriage was the best thing for me, it would slow down when my wife got preg… to about 3 times a day/nite, but after 30 yrs old, it’s down to 10 a week, then at 40 it was about 5 a week, then now at 50, I get 3 a month, I guess I’m just not good at being nice to my wife, but I know that’s the key to having it…
For it being a necessity, I feel that is my greatest exercise, keeping our relationship close and strong, and reason why the Lord created men and women… is to procreate this world, and have people populate and pay taxes, help others, and experience what it’s like to live a great life…. write resolutions so others may experience them for themselves. I feel it should be at least 3 time a day… ha, ha, ha… really, I’m serious… lol
(USA) I feel so sorry for all of your situations and hardships. It just stinks to end up in a relationship that has changed or turned out to be vastly different from what you initially thought it would be. My situation is similar in some respect. My husband has very high sex drive and mine is rather lowish, but I’m fairly accommodating (2-5 times a week regardless of whether I want it or not). Although right now it’s a little off because I’m pregnant. I think my drive is a lot lower than normal because of how I feel.
But his drives are always consistent and I feel like he doesn’t understand or even try to. He sometimes will approach every day and the sometimes he doesn’t approach for 4 or 5 days (I worry or suspect something is wrong at that point and it usually is then I get some sort of lecture). Right now it’s the everyday thing and I try to be as accommodating as I can, but I just don’t feel good (i.e. morning sickness, pregnancy ills) so it’s usually about once a week or so for me, but for him it doesn’t matter. With or without me he has an orgasm every day.
I used to be okay with it, and I still don’t think too terribly much of it because at least he’s getting what he needs right? But it does bother me a little when he whips out the vibrator and does his thing then rolls over to go to sleep. It’s uncomfortable being there for what seems like it ought to be a private matter. It also makes sex seem cheap, and less of a bond and more of just physical satisfaction. I understand the difficulty of having a low drive, low need wife, especially right now with my situation. But why does our sexual situation feel so weird?
(CANADA) That does seem a bit odd. Just thought I’d reply since no one else did. You sound very accommodating though, I did not agree to sex once while I was pregnant.
(USA) I have been married for 14 years and the first 6 was very hard on me. My wife gave me little sex 1-2 weekly, but no affection or anything that could lead to sex. You might think that’s not bad but I was in my early 20s and that was not cutting it. I am a very tall and attractive man and after 5 years of being on the back burner my resolve was weakened and I fell into temptation. I felt horrible about it. I didn’t want the other woman; I wanted my wife but she didn’t want me. I also felt bad about using the other woman to only meet my needs.
I sat down and thought long and hard about what to do. I realized that maybe I had set the bar too high and some compromises had to be made on my part. I couldn’t reduce my sex drive nor would I want to but I had to lower the bar to help her get over it. Most importantly I had a long heart to heart talk with my wife and thank God she finally realized how unhappy I was and how close to disaster our marriage was. With time and a lot of forgiveness, our relationship has healed and I am getting it 4+ times a week. I know that this won’t work for everyone, but I just wanted to share my story and to tell everyone to pray for better days.
(MAURITIUS) I have noted since a year back that my wife refuses to change her dress in front of me. She always finds excuses to avoid sex with me. But I know that she has good libido.
(NIGERIA) I have gone through some of the postings on disparity in sex drive leading to some spouses either wife or husband feeling very hurt and in some cases a divorce has been the sad outcome. That being said, I need to mention that sex is very important for a healthy marriage and it is a pure, holy and excellent gift that God has given to spouses to enjoy and it is intended to glue them together in happiness and enjoy.
Looking at the scriptures, it has always baffled me that people downplay the importance of sex in marriage to their own peril. It surprises me that we are quick to refer to the operational manuals of electronics and other equipments we purchase so as to use them properly. But, yet we we fail to the operational manual for married life and married sex -the Bible. In 1 Cor. 7:1-5, we see clearly that God does not want husband and wife to deprive each other sexual privileges, so much so that he gave control over one spouse’s body to the other and vice versa. So, that when you say ‘no’ to your spouse whether you are the husband or wife you are actually holding back what does not belong to you and the King James version of the Bible calls it fraud (i.e. do not defraud one another).
It also says, saying yes to your spouse’s sexual advances is ‘due benevolence’ meaning a ‘due kindness’. So saying yes even when you don’t feel like it is anticipated and expected as an act of kindness. Now, I know and do agree that people do get that tired, everyone does, but it shouldn’t be a habit, the usual rather than the exception. I believe that the major reason why spouses easily say no to their spouses is a result of selfishness and a lack of the fear of God and a regard for his word in their lives. You say you love your husband or wife and yet you find it very difficult to give him or her yourself sexually under the guise that you are tired. It baffles me how people have time to do all that they want to do and will also go out of their way to please other people, but when it comes to the most important person in their lives after God – their spouse all they want to dish out is pain and misery. Tiredness is in the mind, in other words you can master tiredness.
Why is sex almost the only thing on your to-do-list that never get done or rather does not even get on your to-do-list day in day out? The Scriptures say in Phil 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. You can have sex with your spouse almost always when an advance is made. I can assure you that most of those excuses you give are not tenable before God, because you have ‘a can do all things power within you.’ The problem is you are refusing to harness it, because you think it is neither important to please and make your spouse happy or obey the word of God. Talking about sexual intercourse frequency we should remember that an average is just an average and you cannot strictly judge your spouse on that. For example, if you are told 2-3 times per week as average, this simply means that some couples may be having sex once a week, others twice, trice, four times, five times, six times and even daily. So they add all these frequences and divide by the number of respondents. That is why what is normal frequency is the number times a week that gives a given couple the desired level of satisfaction.
So in a marriage with disparate desires, you decide what frequency to settle for by the sexual appetite of the spouse who wants more sex. The reason is simple, it is the one who whats more sex that suffers when there is less or no sex in a marriage. What I’m to say now might sound hard, but I believe it is true; some people might not enter heaven, because of sexual denials to their spouse -it is defrauding and it is unkind.
Now, some people might look at my piece and think that I have not discussed all that needs to be considered. It is intentional. I wanted to point out the fact that no excuse is tenable if it has become the rule, rather than the exception. If, you have a painful past such as sexual abuse, I understand and share in your pain, but would advise that you seek counseling together with your spouse. If your spouse has offended you, please forgive.
In conclusion, I want to say that SEX is very important for a healthy marriage and family life. In case you don’t know if you are in the habit of denying your spouse sex, there is nothing you do that will be worthwhile or appreciated though you think you are working so hard to provide this and that and ensure that and that. If you doubt me, you have only one person to ask – your spouse. And you will be amazed how true the above statement. And the one who is changing in the dark, when do you want your husband to behold the beauty of your feminine beauty? When you are old and wrinkled? No, now is the is time so that when the wrinkles set in he would love them too. It is a very good and welcome thing for your husband to touch any and every part of your body. Sex has a lot of health, mental and even spiritual benefits. The Bible says a three fold cord is not easily broken. A couple must be intertwined spiritually, soulically (mentally, emotionally, intellectually, etc.) and physically (touching, nurturing, having sex to their satisfaction, etc.). By the grace of God I’m happily married and have fulfiling sexual life in my marriage. And it is my prayer that God will grant you same in Jesus name! As I sign off, please remember it takes two people walking in agreement, putting God at the center of their marriage saying, “not our will but yours be done” to make marriage heaven on earth. God bless you.
(USA) Dear Ms. Kalada, I always appreciate hearing the truth! Thank you very much for that. And please do keep me and my marriage in prayer. I know I am a selfish person. God bless!
(USA) It is really sad that somehow we cannot learn to match up the ladies & gentleman with apparent greater need & desire to try to resolve the situation & do a better job of making everything more desirable to no avail with the others out there with the same mindset. Then learn to match the folks that just don’t have the need apparently & don’t care how much effort is put into trying to make things better & more desirable (what’s the big deal folks) with each other. Assuming other general personality, etc. issues are resolved as well, then I suppose the world’s problems could be resolved for sure & happily ever after.
Other than that, I don’t know what to say as it seems there is always the partner that has the greater desire later in life & the other partner that doesn’t. Apparently the partner that has the greater desire can try everything within reason the make things better, more enjoyable, more desirable, more exciting, etc. to no avail. Perhaps it is something in our DNA or something although I don’t think it is completely 100% within families, but more an individual thing. Until then I am not sure about any reasonable solution & certainly about all the other suggestions that have been tried, tested, failed, etc.
(JAPAN) Wow – I looked up articles to advise about marriage/sex problems, expecting to find someone who has the same problem as me and then I get on here and realise how ungrateful I have been. I am 29 and my husband is 34. We have been married for 6 years. We both work. Everyday we walk to our commute together and come back home together. I cook him dinner and we spend time watching TV, chatting and I feel at times things are perfect. But when it came to sex I felt that I had to initiate every time.
This is where it gets tricky -I would initiate and get turned down. Somehow along the way sex 3 times a week became 2 times a week… and it’s down to one and I felt horrible. It’s like he didn’t want me, like I was inadequate, like I did something wrong. If it were a perfect world for me I would want it everyday. So I thought something was wrong -and I wanted advice how to fix this. But after reading everything, I think I should actually be more appreciative and thankful. I had thought my marriage was sexless. That being said, I am not trying to be arrogant or anything, but to those who are in sexless marriages, or partners with low sex drives, to hang in there.
(AUSTRALIA) Well I might not be right person but it might help someone. Living with a wife for over twenty seven years and having lots of children would like to say something which may work. Lots of my friends came to me in past asking for advice about marital relationship and sex etc. My first advice to every man is the same as it was twenty seven years ago that after finishing with sex keep your wife cuddled with you and keep petting her till she goes to sleep. It is due to the reason that by nature you are strong and she deserves that type of bonding from you. Remember your arm would be the best pillow for your wife.
It should also be remembered that motherhood is a basic inbuilt psyche of the female and sex for her is a tool towards that natural desire. If you are a good father as well, then usually sex would remain enjoyable for both of you. There is no average rate. It could be every day or it might be three four times a year. The answer to that question is “It depends”.
After being married for five years once my wife objected on our rate. We were doing three to four times a week. I took her to talk to a newly married wife with the confidence that her rate would definitely be every day. But to my extreme disappointment that newly married couple was doing less than once a week. Anyhow I worked it out and till today our average would be around three times a week. My understanding is that the stronger partner should have to work it out (here I mean the one who has more desire of having sex). Believe me, I have seen very happy couples in my life whose rate is once a month and unhappy couples who were doing every day.
Relationship also demands sacrifice. If a person claims that he loves his partner and is not ready for any sacrifice then he is not true in his love. Making strong rules like 8 PM is my sleeping time and that’s it is only a selfish attitude and will end up in conflict. Flexibility from either side is key for good relationship. Be accommodating and be passionate. If you are really loving then such rules will automatically meltdown.
Anyone who wants massage etc from his or her partner and the partner does not do that then he or she needs to initiate it first then I am sure it will become mutual in the end and both will enjoy it. If your partner is in hurry to put on her pajamas and you don’t want that to happen then my advice would be to put her up on you and let her sleep like that without doing anything. I hope after a few attempts like that would mould her to sleep with you without any hurry of putting on pajamas. Remember no one likes to be seen by the kids like that and that is usual fear women have. In the end I would like to say: “Don’t worry Be happy”
(USA) Faheem, I just read your post after I posted mines (LOL). That was beautifully insightful. I am glad that your marriage is still going strong. You are an example you know, not just by how long you’ve been married but the way you’ve been married. My parents were married for over 40 years, but as a child you can feel the division, the un-mutually silent grievances. It was almost like there was arguing, gripes and complaints all the time, minus the yelling and harsh verbal-edge.
(INDIA) Hi, sex is important for a healthy life. You are 24 and your husband is 29; you must do sex 2 to 3 times in a week. I am 34 and I am performing 2 to 3 times and sometimes 4 to 5 times and sometimes at one time. So enjoy it. Your age is still young. Have some good food and physical fitness for your husband.
(USA) Life began through sex, or do I have life confused with sin? Things are twisted in this life we live. I used to know what my role was as a wife. Now, I don’t think it matters, just as long as I recognize my place. My place seems to be over there, out of the way, until sex comes up. Then I need to be ready. I will be asked out of sheer respect, of course, but as long as I don’t get that confused with having a choice per se.
My husband is a very sexual man, and prefers sex on a daily basis, or at least five times out of a week. Well, his job has put a strain on our sex life and on my health as well. He can only come home on the weekend and my immune system has adopted another theory that sex is a foreign substance and is bad. So I get bacterial vaginitis every other week it seems. Sometimes I don’t tell him there is anything wrong, because I sense he honestly doesn’t want to hear a reason why we should not have sex. But it gets pretty bad and I have to go to the GYN to get some meds. The meds require me to stay away from intercourse until its completion. Needless to say I am on meds now because I am typing this when I should be sound to sleep from the love making the night before (smile). I don’t mean to make light of a heavy situation, because everyone is having a real tough time here.
Being a woman is not easy, and being a wife is pretty impossible. I won’t pretend to know what a man goes through, nor will I justify it with my outlook on books or articles written by men. Yet, I will say that sex is important for marriages. Whether we have it or don’t have it is important. How much we have, well that is quantifiably a measure of agreement. GOD says it is good to be apart for a time, but it has to be mutually agreed upon and not too long, otherwise sexual immortality becomes a problem. It is also written that our bodies are not our own, but that of our spouses.
First off, I don’t crave sex nearly as much as my husband does, and I think it is because of a lot of little things that have led me to believe that I’m not respected for who I am. I used to feel very bad about it, but then got used to it, so to speak. He loves me tremendously when we are having sex on a regular, but he has a hard time communicating his love without sex on the regular. Now, I’ve come to many conclusions: sex is the only expression of love he knows; I am nothing more than legal sex that needs to be coaxed every now and again to keep it pleasurable; or I am obligated to do it because that is what GOD says. So, I choose to believe the latter. However, it’s been about two weeks since we’ve had sex and porn has now become the issue again. I used to feel very betrayed by the porn, but I am realizing at this moment of abstinence that we are not as close as I would like and it’s not about me. I am just the wife and the mother. Sometimes, my heart grieves from this realization, but I am thankful for the truth.
So my question is: is marriage for the sake of legal sex?
(CANADA) Jan. Wise, wise, wise, words. I don’t care what anyone tries to tell you. I will join you in solidarity on the concept of marriage being for the sake of legal sex. Unfortunately, the answer to this question is yes. The reason monogamy exists is to secure access to sex. It’s very sad, as are many other truths about life, but, I have a master plan! Come with me, follow me, and join the club who has decided to meet male paleolithic brain with female paleolithic brain. Step inside the female brain who accepts how a man is built. Step inside a world that is actually TURNED on by how a man is built. Step inside the female brain who lets her man *bleep* her because that man is the first man, the last man, and every man in between who ever bleeped a woman.
The bottom line is that for men, it’s very primitive, for us, less so. Let youself venture into the world of the primitive, let yourself be Eve, Jane, let you and him represent all men and women, because that is the way it is, a man is built that way, you are built yours… not easy but after tragedy, this is the only way to see it. God bless.
(USA) Wow Bridget! Thank you for that. Your response was encouraging. I’ll continue to keep this in prayer, along with everyone else struggling with these issues. Remember, “with GOD, nothing is impossible.” Thank you my sister, for opening my eyes to a possibility that could very well be true. And too, I have to keep in my mind that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness…”
GOD Bless you as well!
If you’re getting vaginitis every other week there is good chance your husband is bringing it home to you. You need to both be treated in order to stop the cycle. You probably got it when he had sex with you and has been carrying it ever since.
There are a couple emotional issues that can be the probable cause of the vaginitis. They are as follows:
1) Anger at a mate.
2) Sexual guilt.
And/or
3) Punishing the self.
It just one of these or all of them. I recommend asking our Abba which one it is for you unless you already know…
Wow Jan, wow, I have to say you’ve opened my eyes to how I should look at my wife. Now I’m not sexy crazy or anything like that but when we do make love that’s the only way I really show my love to her. She’s more then that, she’s my best friend, my wife and the mother of our two kids. She does so much for me and I don’t even acknowledge her great work. I only show her some kind of attention when I want to have sex. As of now it’s starting to feel wrong of me to do such a thing. However, there are times where I won’t have sex for a month or two then she gets frustrated after a while because there are days where I just do not feel like doing anything sexual. That’s when she thinks I am cheating on her and that is not the case, I have never cheated on anyone in my life.
Sometimes I think to myself is there something wrong? Should I be more sexually active I ask myself. After all we’re both 29 years old and I don’t believe we’ve even reached our peak yet. Or did we? I can also relate to the pornography, as well. I don’t know about your husband, but I’m speaking for myself, for me it’s wishful thinking, wishing I could have someone that look like the woman that I see on the Internet. Then I think to myself would my life be different if I was with any of those women? Even woman that are just out for a little after a noon run?
I say all of this because speaking from a man’s point of view my wife is on the heavy side and it’s not from having kids. I’ve been with her for almost 11 years, married to her for almost 4 years and I have never noticed it until recently that all of the women in her family are big. I have to say this scares me because if she’s already big. What will she look like when we are older? Now I know what you’re thinking and you’re right. I should just love her for her. She is an awesome woman of God, she is an awesome mother and wife. It’s said that there is no big Sin or little Sin, Sin is Sin, but if I had to put a size on it I would say my big Sin is pornography, and lusting after other women. I look and don’t touch, so the world said.
I just think that we should all just pray for one another that where we are weak the Lord can make us strong. He said when two or three are gathered in his name he is in the midst of us. I pray for you right now Jan, that everything works out between you and your husband, and may God bless you both. Take care of yourself and God bless you. Thanks for truthful words. Some times a man need to just sit down, read and listen to what women are trying to tell us as men. Every man needs to read what you have written.
There is a skinny woman in there somewhere. My wife lost 80 pounds recently, and even wore a bikini in Maui on a recent trip.
She has repented. Being fat and unsexy to me was a selfish thing she was purposely doing. She took my love for granted and only realized that it was time to change when her friend was cheated on by her husband.
She has changed back to the woman I married, but better and wiser. She doesn’t see me as a pervert, but rather as a partner, lover, and companion. She is more worried about me being happy than her. I am the same way her happiness above mine. We are so happy now.
I stumbled on this page and read your comment Jan. I thank you for your honesty. In my own experience, God’s intention of marriage is a reflection of His relationship with the church (believers as a whole).
As a male in my 30s, sex can overtake the mind and alter my behavior. However, Jesus calls us to fight the desires of the flesh. My sexual relationship with my wife was frustrating in my 20s. I felt like she was denying my love. With a little guilt, she consented my needs more often than she wanted.
But then at 26, she got cancer. For a year and half, she was unable to have sex. During that time, God showed how I had a relationship of performance. I loved her because she pleased me. But then she couldn’t please me.
After reading Ephesians 5: 25-33, I learned that Jesus’ unconditional love for us is what is expected of me as a husband. I have rid all the unhealthy, performance-based expectations I had on my wife and now love her regardless of how she makes me feel. Our relationship is healthy and now she feels I’m the one who is not having enough sex. I hope my words bring you insight.
Thank you Chris. I, also, am in a similiar situation. It’s sad how most men are so selfish until they almost lose everything. It took almost losing my wife for God to make me see how selfish and ‘conditional’ my motives were. I hope your wife is doing well. God bless you and yours.
Nearly 40 years ago I married a girl who had been born out of wedlock and was told by her grandparents that she was the result of her mother “doing wrong”. Since she conceived our only child she put sex out of her life as much as possible. When I would ask if she wan’t to “make love”, she would respond with “whatever you want” rather than giving me an honest answer -especially since I had stressed to her than anything other than “yes” meant “no”. I have tried to honor her wishes, but it has been a miserable time for me.
Now that I have had a radical perianeal prostatectomy with severe damage to the nerves in that area, she has decided that she wants affection that I can no longer fulfill. Again frustration increases. I have considered divorce but family duty always prevented that. Now it seems the only way left.
I’ve been with my partner in 12 years. We were married 8 years ago and since we got married we have less contact. Unfortunately, I think she has a low sex drive. She can’t even wear the lingerie I bought for her unless I ask her to wear it. I feel that I am married to a woman with no interest in sex. We have 1 kid. I do all the things I can, I work, massage her etc. but nothing happens.
I don’t know if it’s normal but my wife and I maybe have sex 72 times in one year. I work graveyards so that makes it even tougher, plus with two kids in the picture. My son, the youngest likes to sleep in our bed… grrr.