After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.
I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.
I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”
Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.
The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.
Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.
Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”
Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release
Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.
Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.
You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!
I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.
I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.
Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?
Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.
Ouch.
Would You Like a Me-Burger?
If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.
Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.
Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.
Don’t Make Him Beg
Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.
Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”
Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.
“But I’m Embarrassed”
I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.
That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.
We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.
Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.
Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together
Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.
Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).
This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
Good article!
I love my wife soooooooooooo much!!! She’s an awsome woman,SUPERMAN! We’ve been together 14 years; shes my L1FE! But I am simply not physically attracted to her anymore…Very sad thing I don’t know what to do about. Her body type is just that when I want but I love her so much, but I deal with what I feel like is just settling. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. We’ve talked about it; I’ve been very sweet, as much as possible, but still nothing can happen but for us to keep playing along or me finally getting overly frustrated. I find myself turning into a monster sometimes simply because I am not physically attracted to my wife!!!!!!! I am head over heels in love with someone that DOESN’T physically sexually attract me!😩😯😐😑😥🤦🏽♂️🌨🌨🌨🌨❄
Hi, CLEAN. First, I want to say that I applaud your faithfulness to your wife in spite of the fact that you no longer have any physical attraction to her. Most of the men who post under this article and share their stories, and who would be in a similar situation, have pretty much given up and abandoned the marriage – either physically or emotionally. So, I thank God for your faithfulness in the midst of a very difficult situation. You said you don’t know what to do about it. Well, I’m going to make a few very bold suggestions.
You probably know that research shows that if you do something for 30 days it will become a habit -something that is so ingrained in you that it becomes natural. I want to challenge you to get Gary Thomas’ book called, Cherish (<a href="http:// “>here’s a link)
You have allowed your brain to lock in on all the negative aspects of your wife’s physical features. You need to re-train your brain. The principles in this book revolutionized my marriage to Cindy. When I started seeing her as God’s daughter and His gift to me I wanted to do everything in my power every day to let her know that my love isn’t based on what she does, or her appearance; or anything other than God has entrusted me to love her like He loves her and gave up Himself for her.
So, even if your wife has no inclination to make any changes in herself or to improve herself, you will be committed to love her and “see her” differently than the previous 14 years of your marriage. I won’t fool you; this won’t be easy at first because it runs contrary to what most people would say you “should” do or what you “feel” you should do. But I can promise you this: that after 46+ years of marriage to Cindy, this one tool (Cherish) can revolutionize your marriage like it did mine – IF you are dedicated to putting it into practice.
One more quick thought. I don’t know what your friends are like, but if they are the types who think and speak negatively of their wives, you want to avoid them. You want to find some men who are as committed to their wives as you want to be to yours. I hope these thoughts help. ~Steve Wright
You are being presumptuous in thinking that she might need to “improve” herself or ” make changes”. This man’s wife might be perfectly fine in how she looks. Nowhere in his comment does he suggest that there is anything she should do, he’s just not attracted to her.
I understand the author’s point, however, when is enough enough? My husband and I have been married 8 years and have two children. We don’t argue about much. Enjoy each other’s company, but when sex comes into the equation it all goes to pot.
I have tried explaining I’m not interested right at that moment can we do it later that night? = Pouting. I have tried having sex whenever he asks = I don’t make him work for it anymore. I have tried scheduling sex during the week = That’s too restrictive. I want it to be spontaneous. I have even offered quickies when I’m about to pass out after getting 2 hours of sleep a night for almost a month because of a new baby = Why are you never into sex?
It’s never enough! Too little sex = he’s mad. Too much sex = mad I can’t win
There is always something he will complain about where our sex life is concerned. I understand men are wired to want sex, but seriously when is enough enough?!
I am at a point where I never manage to get aroused anymore because no matter what I do or how I approach the situation he will still whine and complain that it wasn’t perfect. “You didn’t orgasm, or you weren’t wet enough, or I know I didn’t last long lets wait 30 mins and do it again the right way. WHAT!!!??? When you know that’s the reaction awaiting you after the deed it’s pretty hard to get in the mood. I love my husband, but where do I go from here? Even thinking about sex gets me irritated/anxious. Someone please give me some advice. I’m at a loss and just so sick of the whole thing.
LD25ugh, I would suggest that you try making some changes that will both help you and also help your husband, and stick with them for a few weeks in spite of what his comments might be. One thing that I would suggest you try for awhile is to just pick a day and time each week when you approach him for sex, and try to stick to that schedule. That will take some of the continual pressure off of you and it will show him that he can count on some regular physical intimacy so that he will not be so obsessed with when the next time might be. Many people don’t like the idea of scheduled sex until they try it for awhile, and then they begin to see the wonderful benefits. Think of it as if you were scheduling a romantic date night… :>)
While the suggestion for scheduled sex is a good idea, there is also a communication issue that needs to be addressed. Your husband seems quite demanding and critical when it comes to sex, and he needs to see that being negative is not going to help the situation. Perhaps some marriage counseling would improve your intimate communication and get your sex life into a better place.
A good marriage takes two. One person catering to another’s needs or demands will only result in resentment.
I read the article and although it is enlightening a whole lot, I still am lost. I have been married for 13 years and if there is something I really looked forward to was making love to my husband. I knew in marriage I am going to have the most fulfilling sex. We talked about it and were on the same page. I have never had sex with anyone else and he was a great charmer before we got married. In the first two years, we had sex, and fulfilling sex every other day. It was heavenly. I was very busy with my postgraduate studies but made time for him.
I cannot place a finger as to what happened but he just lost interest. It has been 10 years of extremely lousy sex. By lousy I mean he will find me asleep, with lights off he starts groping me for a 5 minute jig. This rarely happens though as he is completely disinterested. I initiate and he will do a good job but it won’t happen again until a month is gone. He will not talk about it (he generally never wants to talk about anything that affects our marriage). He once told me that sex is overrated. I feel so bad and defrauded in some way because we have absolutely no emotional connection as a result. Most often, I do not feel like talking to him, even on phone because there is nothing really to talk about. I have given him hints about how to revive our married life but it falls on deaf ears.
I am 35, raising three children but I cannot help thinking about my relationship with my husband. I want to make it worth the while. I want him to look at me in the eye and say I have offended him in one way or another that is why he won’t get turned on…but he will not speak. Over the 13 years, I have told him how his alcohol addiction deals us a blow but that is another thorn because he says I am trying to change him. Please show me a father, raising three children, who drinks all night and sleeps all day? This happens almost every week. I won’t even know where he will be drinking and with whom on those nights.
I have seen a counselor as he will not come with me, doesn’t believe in external solutions. I have tried to make peace with it but it is so hard. Please pray for us and give me constructive ideas that can help.
Caroline. Your husband has obviously withdrawn emotionally in your marriage relationship, and there can be several reasons for that, most of which you unfortunately have no ability to influence. His frequent drinking is certainly a sign that he is frustrated in his life. BUT… You asked for some suggestions: The best resource I can point you to is the book “How We Love”, by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. You can go to http://www.howwelove.com to learn more. It will give you some great insight into how to draw your husband emotionally back into your marriage relationship. And if you can get him to read it and discuss it together, it will help you to get onto a path of healing for your relationship. Don’t give up hope… :>)
To be dead honest, feminists fail at Christianity. Why? The Bible says the husband is the head of the family. Just like Christ is the head of the Church. So if you’re going to be questioning Christ…then you might as well not be in the Church. Likewise if you’re going to be the one wearing the pants in the house or want to be the one wearing the pants then you shouldn’t be married in the 1st place because you will not be able to satisfy the requirements of Scripture.
If I am not in the mood why should I force myself to have sex with my husband then? I went along with it before just to please him and all it made me feel was used. I have low sexual desire and my husband has a much higher sex drive. I honestly forget sex exists a lot of the time because I have a thousand other things on my mind. I prefer to cuddle, hug and hand hold over sex anyway because that honestly meets all my needs for intimacy.
I am middle aged nearing menopause and my body no longer desires sex… I honestly feel like I could be celibate for the rest of my life if I weren’t married. I love my husband though; he is my best friend and soulmate who I want to spend the rest of my life together!
SP, Your comment could have been written by my wife, and I can imagine that many wives are in a similar situation as you are. I’m sure that my wife has felt that she needed to have sex with me to keep me happy, but she didn’t really have any desire to do it, especially through menopause. There have been many times that I could tell that her heart wasn’t in it at all, and that always made me feel like I was just using her, which I never wanted to do.
You wrote “I prefer to cuddle, hug and hand hold over sex anyway because that honestly meets all my needs for intimacy.” That’s very true, and my wife would say the same thing. It has taken many years, but she has finally come closer to the understanding that I need sex to feel emotionally connected with her, just the same as she needs cuddling and conversation to feel emotionally connected to me. We are so different in what we each need to stay emotionally connected to the other. The more we have been able to understand and embrace the differences, the better our marriage has become.
Hello. I also have extremely low desire and could go through life quite happily if I never once had sex again. However, I’ve learned a LOT about having compassion for my husband. Interestingly, the thing I learned that helped me the most is this: The chemicals in your brain that give you that happy, connected feeling come to the woman BEFORE having sex — usually through things like holding hands, cuddling, etc. But for a man, they primarily come AFTER having sex. We’re wired differently.
Neither side should have the right to say, “I want you to make those chemicals released in my brain, so that *I* can feel loved and connected, but I’m not going to return the favor.” Husband and wife need to BOTH put forth effort to meet the other’s needs.
I have always had a higher sex drive than my wife. On our honeymoon she stated it was for me not her. Over the 18 years of our marriage sex has been treated as something she had to do. She has not been interested in years. She told me to ask for sex when I wanted it. I asked for sex, she got undressed and just laid there. Then she told me it hurt, I asked can we do non-penetrating things, she was surprised but happy. However, she would only allow penetrative sex. I was confused, you say it hurts but won’t do anything else.
I tried to ask about lotions/positions that may help. She replied:”its ok, I’m fine, I don’t want to talk about it again.” I could see she was uncomfortable so I stopped asking. After 2 weeks she came to me accusing me (asking if I had an affair – no I didn’t) asking why I had not asked for sex. I told her I could tell she was uncomfortable, I was hoping her body would heal. She literally laughed mockingly at me. So I started having sex again. Then she tells me I was sexually abusing her???? I am so confused….
Same age as couple in article, the trouble I have is that for me sexual intimacy is emotionally fanned..for him it seems like it’s just a physical need…all the time. As the person in the article mentioned, he gets mean and irritable if it’s not like every three days. That in turn, pushes me even farther from the desire to be intimate. But, I feel like it is always we wives that have to cater to their needs. Something needs to be said for words of love and kindness and effort on the man’s part also.
I cannot tell you how life-changing reading this ONE PAGE of your website has been for me. It’s like someone gave me permission to not have to “perform” all the time. I could totally relate to how Nancy feels in this article!! I always thought it had to be 100% or none as far as sex goes. I never considered the “snacks” you spoke of! This has been such a stress relief reading this. My husband is already much happier, and I believe this is going to be a marriage changer for us, and we were honestly at the brink of divorce. I have one condition, and it’s that I be allowed to “respectfully decline” one “invitation” per week. And he is not allowed to be offended by this because I’ve conveyed to him that I now respect his manly desires and choose to be what he needs me to be to meet his needs. And I can do that now with “snacks” instead of the full deal each and every time. Thank you SO VERY MUCH for this article. It has truly changed my life!!!
WOW I actually read the introduction to this article ! I think everyone should read this before commenting in this section.
This is just the best article. I understand these things now, but I sure didn’t when I first got married! I wish someone had handed this article to me on my wedding day! Thank you for writing this!
Thank you Angela for sharing this with us. I agree… I wish I would have known these things earlier in our marriage too. But I thank God that I know them now, and that we can share this article with others so they can give grace and love in every area of their marriage. We pray it continues to bring insight to those who need it.
Excellent and accurate article. Thank you for confirming what I already knew but needed to see in writing by another woman walking the walk.
Thank you L.B. It’s always good to hear from those that benefit from what we have posted. This area of marriage is SO misunderstood. Most wives and husbands misunderstand where the other is coming from and how we are wired. We hope this article helps in some way. Thanks again for the affirmation.
Hi. This is a good article. I’m struggling as a husband myself. Maybe two to three times a month of sex. There is always an excuse. There are situations that I can understand, but to never be able to have sex when I need it is plain hurtful.
I read in the comments a lady saying that she feels used when she gives her husband sex when she is not in the mood. My wife feels the same way too. I think it’s wrong thinking and poor understanding of what is taking place. I look at it like this. Babies need food and nurturing to survive. You can give the baby food, but that alone is not enough. A baby needs love. Families read books on how to nurture a child. But no one seem to read the book on how to nurture a husband.
My wife came from a background that she rarely saw examples of a loving couple. It takes a lot of patience, but we are growing despite our faults. The one thing I want my wife and other women to understand is my need for sex is not a selfish desire born out of a place of male domination of women, being overly sexual, or greedy. It is a legitimate need. Some women fixate on every little thing, but completely look over this one need as if a guy just has to deal with it if they are not in the mood.
Yesterday I asked my wife for sex, but she wasn’t in the mood. We both had some sleep and were up talking and everything felt good. I had to work in an hour and wanted to get some in before work. She told me tomorrow or the day after that. I said that’s not cool. I’m going to be thinking about sex all night at work. I agreed with her on one condition, “Don’t make me have to ask for sex tomorrow. Be the one to initiate it.” The next day her period started and she said nothing until I asked. She is going on with life as if everything is ok.
The funny thing is she expects my affection to continue to flow even though she has no idea I’m hurting on the inside. If I bring up the topic of sex she will totally not get it and be upset with me even more.
I jokingly think if my sex need was a sink filled with plates maybe she would prioritize it some more. It is crazy to me to think that a wife would prioritize taking care of the bills, doing hair, cleaning things, going places, taking care of kids, working etc… over meeting the one need that only she can fulfill as a wife. A man can get the need met by some other woman, but he is faithful enough to only seek relief from his wife.
It is not usury to have sex with your husband when you are not in the mood. It’s you coming to his rescue. It’s you protecting your marriage and the mental health of your husband. It’s as if women smell blood when your marriage is having problems in this area. They pop out of nowhere. It’s easy to avoid temptation when all sexual desires are being met, but dreadful when they are not. I’m not the cheating type, I couldn’t forgive myself if I did. It’s just hard.
Ladies be a hero to your man today.
You are so entitled. That’s “not cool”.
He may think he’s “entitled” but most of what he said is 100% true!
You stated this SO well! I wish more wives understood this issue. They understand their own, but too many completely miss this side of the sexual need/want issue within marriage. I didn’t for many years. But I thank God (and so does my husband) that I woke up one day after reading about this side of the wife/husband sexual matter. I questioned, talked and listened a lot to his perspective and was flabbergasted that most women (including me) never really get it, as far as what a husband needs and wants. I’ve talked to a lot of men since then about this, and it has been eye-opening, to say the least.
Of course, many husbands don’t get it as far as what a wife needs. But that’s another matter to deal with in another article. I/we keep praying that this web site will help to wake wives and husbands up to pay attention to what their spouse truly needs. (We get a lot of positive feedback, but there is still a long way to go.) And then, we hope that they figure out ways to make it work for both of them within the marriage relationship.
To just look past it, ignore it, and dismiss it because it isn’t their perspective truly is not good, to say the least. We are partners. And if a spouse has a legitimate need, then we need to find ways to learn more about it and find ways to meet each others needs.
Thanks for stating this so well. I hope your wife gets an epiphany moment that opens her eyes to not only fulfilling her needs, but yours as well so you BOTH feel validated, cared about, and loved.
I don’t like the way ‘Just Looking’ refers to sex only as ‘meeting his need’, or ‘getting some in’. Nowhere in his comment does he speak of what his wife might need, or how he might help her to want and enjoy sex. His wife might have a different story. I don’t think he’s stated it well at all.
When I read articles like these, I feel like it is the blind leading the blind. A spiritually advanced civilization will no more need sex than it needs conflict. What this article does is justify, no actually, it encourages an endless cycle of sense gratification.
When a man throws tantrums for lack of sex, it is no different than a boy throwing one for his toys. His hormones are there to produce offspring. If that has been accomplished, there is no longer a need to obey the demanding hormones. We are on this Earth to evolve AWAY from animal behaviour toward a non-physical life of eternal love. How in the world can the human species evolve if we continue to advise women to satisfy a husband’s carnal lusts?
You basically said to evolve to a non-physical life of eternal love. Mmmm, where do you find your doctrine? Advise women to satisfy a husband’s carnal lusts? I would not exactly call a mans desires “carnal lusts.” Plenty of women have desires too. Humans have been physically intimate since the beginning of time. Even in their older years. Remember Abraham & Sarah? You sound like a person who is single or dislikes men.
From a scientific aspect you’re wrong. Higher evolved species (if we’re going there) would have developed habits and other tendencies for pleasure or whatever else we saw fit. What the article states in a simple manner is sex is a vital aspect to a healthy mindset when it comes to males and even females. Meaning, the sexual release we get is a vital component to other factors of our physical and mental health. When we orgasm or have physical intimacy we relase a whole group of neurotransmitters that drive our clarity, focus, recall memory, motivation, relaxation and so on. Did you also know there’s lower cases of prostate cancer in men that orgasm regularly?
Spiritually is very important in our lives but we were also made and exist in a physical world bound by physical properties …chemistry, physiology, anatomy. We’re not evolving into higher dimensional entities, we as a civilization are working and changing (evolving) towards learning ways to handle issues within our societies but we’re physical creatures none the less and we’ll always need sex for survival of our species and our needs being met. Basically…”Sex is physiologically needed” Yes! Some people are born asexual meaning they don’t need sex like that but those are either rare gene expressions, environmental factors or flat our choice but the whole species is not like that.
I have to agree your comment comes off as though you hate men or have a personal issue with the topic at hand and you are not looking at it objectively.
I’m also a believer but I’m a professional in science related fields and blend my beliefs together. God made us beautiful and we’re the apple of his eye. Be blessed.
I’m so happy to read a sensible post. Telling me I have to satisfy a man or else he’ll be pissy is so demeaning to me.
Not much different than you getting “pissy” when you cant go shopping, can’t see family, can’t soak in the bathtub, cant watch your favorite TV show; pms’ing.
Thank you!
My husband is the monster type, married 51 years and haven’t had sex for 40 years. Too old to fix or care any more.
Hard to classify him as a monster…..
Ya that may have been a smart move!