Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair

You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.

Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.

Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.

Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.

Total Separation Strategy

My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.

An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.

Affairs Are Addicting

Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.

The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.

The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.

Suffering from Withdrawal

After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.


The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.

Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.

The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Revell. This book is a great guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity —from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage. The authors Dr’s. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.

— ALSO —

To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)



— PLUS —

You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:


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Filed under: Surviving Infidelity

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623 responses to “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair

  1. (UNITED STATES OF AMERICA)  Its been six months and I am still hurt, confused and angry. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier without him. This is my story; I will try to make it brief. My mother became ill two years back. She wanted to stay in her home and my family needed money. So we made the exchange. Only mom began to rely on me more and more. I was exhausted taking care of two homes. I mistakenly began to stay over a lot.

    When I was home I couldn’t understand why the neighbor guy kept coming over to get my husband. I asked my husband who lives over there; where you keep going? He said the neighbor guy, his wife, and two kids… and his sister in law. My husband is 58 yrs old but attractive. The sister in law was 22 and had a boyfriend. I didn’t worry cause of the age difference, until my 18 year old son told me he saw his dad leave our home at 11:00 pm. He went to the neighbor’s house. He didn’t return until 3:00 a.m. I arranged something different for my mom and stayed home every minute from that point. But it was too late.

    One day a month later the 22 yr. old’s boyfriend came to my door and said that my husband was stalking his girlfriend. He said my husband was writting love letters and left candy on their porch and he said it had been going on for a ling time. He gave me a letter in case I didn’t believe him. I went to my husband and he said he felt sorry for her and he was mad at me for being gone all the time. He said he loved me not her.

    He told me because I was demanding details, that she came to our porch and offered to take him to dinner after she received his first letter. He said he told her he couldn’t do that. My dilema is you feel very strongly that more went on between them. I feel that he was lying. I won’t give the girl the satisfaction of questioning her. What does any one else think? And how do I get past this? We have since moved, by the way.

  2. (USA)  My husband left me 18 months ago and told me he didn’t want to be married anymore and had a “girlfriend,” a woman he met once at our house who he carried on an emotional affair with for 2 months. She found out very quickly that he was a self-centered man who had lots of issues and very emotionally needy. He dropped her when she told him it was all about him.

    One month later, he met another woman who had began an affair with, a foreign woman with an abuse history. They have been involved with each other for the past 15 months. He refuses to talk to me about what went wrong in our marriage and puts me off when I tell him we need to talk. This woman has no money (my husband is a doctor) and I believe, has manipulated him into believing that she NEEDS him. From what I can see, he has taken her to places, payed for their hotels, meals out, entertainment, etc.

    Seven months ago, I met a man and began a relationship with him. It is a long distance relationship, but it has been a very important friendship/romantic relationship for me, and has helped me heal from the DEVASTATION of infidelity. My husband only apologized to me when I told him I forgave him for his actions, but I realize now, I haven’t forgiven him, and probably never will. I was a loyal wife who stood by him while he recovered from alcoholism and in addition, has bipolar disorder. He has hurt me beyond belief and I feel that he “used” me as his support, listening device, stress reducer, etc. In other words, a taker, not a giver. The man I am spending time with is a caretaker. He is not perfect, far from it, but he makes me feel protected and cared about.

    I still love my husband, despite his actions, but I have to say I have lost my respect for him as a human being and never thought he had the capacity to betray me EVER! We have known each other for 37 years and have two wonderful children and built a life together that was very happy for most of our marriage.

    What causes people to become so disloyal on such a visceral level is beyond my comprehension. But what I have realized is this: My husband suffers from low self-esteem and an emotional void and is using his affair as just another way of self-medicating his void. She is just another drug for him. Since he can’t drink, this new drug is his replacement for the alcohol and other substances.

    I have healed much more of late as time does help to heal all wounds. However, on a very profound level, I will never feel the same way about my husband and he has lost all credibility in my eyes. In short, he doesn’t deserve me, and I deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!

    Find your self-dignity all of you who have been betrayed and be open to someone who treats you with love and respect and is emotionally HEALTHY!!! My New Year’s resolution to myself.

    1. God loves you and requires you to forgive him. When you forgive, you get healed and who knows, your marriage will be restored in Jesus name.

      1. I have the same marriage you have. Our husbands could be twins. Reading your letter I thought I was reading my life. Only difference is my husband is the one that always has the affairs. Everything else is just like you said. No kisses, hugs and no sex. Not alone, Pam

    2. Omg… I really find myself in your story. I ask for grace to be better than him at all times… that’s the best revenge, I guess.

  3. (UK)  “I Hate His/Her Ex” is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  4. (USA)  I have been married for over 27 years. For the past 10 years my husband has been impotent and now has no libido for the past 6 years. He has to take Viagra but doesn’t want to because he doesn’t have the desire to begin with. He has spoken to his doctor about his medications and the doctor said they are a good mix and aren’t contributing to his problem. He is unhappy in his job of over 30 years and is planning to retire next year.

    To make a long story shorter, I have had affairs. My last affair was last month and I think it has ended. I am very upset because I put my heart on the line and got hurt. I am not a fool. He has a girlfriend that he doesn’t live with that he says he loves but not sure if he is love with her. Our chemistry and personalities mixed wonderfully. I honestly had high hopes that he was my knight in shining armour. What a fool I was. After our last meeting, the emails have stopped completely. I have asked my husband to go to marriage counseling and he refuses. He does not like to kiss, hug, cuddle, snuggle, or do anything romantic or physical.

    I have told him how much this hurt me and he said this is him, we’ve been together a long time, I watch too many shows like The Bachelor, I am in a dream world, he loves me and sex is not important to him like it was when he was a younger man. To be honest, I was never never all that sexually attracted to him even when I married him but I thought it would grow in time. He was angry with me for years for not wanting sex as much as him and he and I went to counseling many times because of this. But now that the table has turned and things have gotten progressively worse to the point of him being more like a father/brother to me than anything else, he refuses to go to counseling and says that if I don’t like it, to leave. My emotional, sexual, physical needs are not being met. I feel lonely in this marriage.

    Cheating didn’t help but I thought the last man was going to be different. I need to be cherished and loved. Being in a sexless marriage doesn’t mean just the sex is missing, it is everything else…all the sweet gestures and little things. I have asked my husband or a divorce a couple of times and he was very upset and said he would try to improve and knows he has not been much of a lover but that he loves me. Well, he does get warmer and sweeter but just for a week. Life is tough. Just thought I would share. Thanks for reading this. Oh, by the way, not that this matters, but I am considered a very attractive woman. Yes, I am insecure at times.

  5. (SOUTH AFRICA)  I met a woman through a church activity where we were seeing each other quite frequently. We tried to convince ourselves we were just ‘friends’.

    I was in the final stages of divorce (not because of her) and of course she was unhappy in her marriage. We didn’t have much contact until I decided to send her a hello message over the holidays to which she responded positively (we didn’t see each other during that time). Our chemistry was incredible from the first private meeting we had. She tried to do the right thing and keep me at a safe distance, but I did everything in my power to seduce her.

    We met every time we could find time, and because we had no privacy the tensions were extremely high. One thing led to another and a few months later we slept together. Shortly after this she told me that God has told her to end it, but I convinced her to keep a platonic relationship going. Of course this never works and our affair was discovered. After this, she said that we should not have contact anymore and she has done that by ignoring my occasional messages.

    I love her unfortunately, a married woman. I wish I didn’t. Should she continue to ignore my communications it would settle things in my heart in time, BUT, if she doesn’t, the possibility continues. We look for a glimmer of hope and continued exchanges will feed that hope, no doubt. It is no absolution for what I have done, but if you leave the door open, someone will come in. Someone will be ready and willing to give you what you crave, unfortunately at a great cost to all concerned.

  6. (CANADA)  It’s interesting to see how we quote the Bible and also ‘judge’! Please, he who is without sin cast the first stone. Right is right and wrong is wrong! If you have done wrong ask for forgiveness, receive forgiveness and move on without looking back. Until you find yourself in a situation you truly cannot say how you would react. All self righteous women, judge not! Those broken hearted women learn from your experience, and move on. Life is full of ups and downs. You win, you lose. Seek Christ he is all about forgiveness. Life is too precious to waste on regrets, MOVE ON! BE HAPPY.

  7. (USA) As a woman who’s husband cheated, I cringe every time I read a comment by a mistress saying that obviously the wife didn’t give the husband what he needed, otherwise he never would have strayed.

    My husband never talked to me about how he was feeling before going out to cheat. The cheating started as fun and games and fulfilling sexual urges. Through a very painful physical and emotional affair, the addiction that he suffers from became apparent. We are both in 12-step programs dealing with the effects of his behavior. (For the sex addict – SA or SAA, for the partner – Sanon or Cosa) and going to couples’ therapy. Sex addiction is a very powerful, progressive illness that leaves a lot of turmoil and pain in its wake. As a result of the affair, my husband has damaged the trust I have in him and his relationship with his children. It is going to be a lengthy process to repair the damage, but I am hopeful that it can be repaired.

    The depths that my husband and his mistress went to to sneak around behind both of our spouses backs is unbelievable. As a result, she has lost her marriage. He feels guilt and shame. And I know that I can’t trust what he says anymore unless he seriously undertakes recovery. I do see the behavior as part of his illness and every phone call, text message, or visit with the mistress was his “acting out” behavior that he used to cover up some void or pain he feels inside.

    Looking at reality, he didn’t give up his marriage, we slept together every night and made love daily. His mistress also knew that she was being lied to. She became jealous that he was seeing someone else. Did it dawn on her that the someone else was his wife and family? Probably not.

    While my husband professed his love for the other woman I see that it is living a total fantasy. Wouldn’t we all love to be in a relationship where we could feel completely free of any pressures (financial, kids, home maintenance, etc…)? What a great fantasy. Part of being an adult is accepting the responsibilities you have in your life; including loved ones. Life delivers external pressures. Adults talk about them and try to work through the problems to find solutions. Even if my husband and I divorced and he went to live with his mistress, day to day reality would creep in. The same pressures of life are always there. Affairs don’t fix the problems, they only cause pain.

  8. I’m very exhausted. My husband left me 15 months ago, but claims he didn’t leave me? hasn’t returned? At points he has been so angry, blamed me for the whole thing. I’ve been cursed at, shunned, ignored for days. I’ve been told everyday by my husband that he loves me and he is returning, but he still he hasn’t. If I ask, he gets mad. If I say I miss you, need you, or come home he gets mad.

    A little history, prior to him leaving: I found he was texting another woman, lied yet again. She was claimed she was a family member …not true. I did ask him about both women and all the calls and texts, at the end I was made to feel crazy ,and he even replied “maybe I’m the one being abused?” These are just examples of many comments… I’m weary. I’ve been texting my heart out, calling him, taking off work early just so we can have time. I don’t know what else to do. Every time I see him I will ask, am I the one? Do you really want this? And each time he replies yes, but he won’t call me, come by; he makes no effort. But he says he loves me.

    Please, I’m terribly confused, heartbroken. I’ve been praying everyday all day long. I have many people praying for us. I do pray for a miracle and help, guidance, God’s blessing in our marriage. Like I said so many details, but the one important detail is, he isn’t home. i don’t know what to do. Please, anyone have some advice? I’m not giving up, but I’m lonely and I’m alone in this.

    1. I feel your pain and pray for your heart to find peace. My husband left and walked out on me as he was having an affair. He was confused, also said I love you. We separated, even tried counseling, went back together for a short time. The lies started again, girlfriends too. He was mean and distant much of the time. I really listened and loved him so much. I never cheated either on him. I ended my marriage & it was very painful. It took many years for me to get thru so much disappointments in my life. I’m in my fifties living alone, single. I feel much happier than ever. Sure I miss affection & having a man around at times. But the hurt & looking back I lost a lot of my own identity for men. Got so wrapped up in it all to try to please or keep the relationship happy. But after many years, I realized how many mistakes I made!!! I rediscovered myself and now try to find my own happiness.

      1. Maybe your husband never wanted responsibilities. That is not your fault. But sometimes we try to create the person we are married to when in reality they are not that person at all. And, shame on them for getting married and worse yet having children where so many lives are hurt.

  9. My wife had an affair some years ago. From time to time she’s still in contact with him. It really bothers me but her argument is that she has tried to do her healing with complete sparation but it hasn’t worked. So what she wants to do is take control of whatever power this person has over her. She says she has improved greatly. It’s been about 10 years and multiple dicussions that became cyclical. I’m not sure what else to do.

    1. Hello Juan, I suffered the same fate. I simply let my wife go. I realized, letting her go and move on will make me win. Now, I`m looking for opportunity to annul our marriage.

  10. From what I have been told, total abstinence from alcohol and drugs as used in AA and rehabilitation centers has only a 20% success rate. Not very good statistic. And, love may be a drug but it involves the human process not a chemical process. Affairs of the heart are totally different than drugs and alcohol! I think when most people stray on a spouse there is already something wrong and the only reason they drop the affair is the fear of losing their money.

    I was with a married to a man for over 10 years and he ended it abruptly and told me he did not want to discuss it. After all those years, being dropped abruptly means he got caught and did not want to lose his money as I know that was very important to him. That is wrong too; money should not interfere with life. I am still very sad and it is not my fault his marriage made him find someone else. Doesn’t anyone have empathy for the other woman especially one of 10+ years, where we talked everyday?

    1. I only feel sorry for the mistresses who were not aware they were mistresses. If you knew you were dealing with a married man then no, I have no empathy for you. If you were not aware then yes, I hate that you had to endure this pain.

  11. I’m married to a sex addict who has had numerous affairs, finally diagnosed as a sex addict. He does all his treatments, goes to all his counseling sessions, and is very remorseful but still can’t be honest about what happened during that last affair. The last affair was 3 years and would have continued if he had not gotten caught. It consisted of meeting at her house three mornings a week for one hour of sex. Somewhere in there she said she thought they would marry one day even though she knew he didn’t love her. I want him to answer my questions and stop telling me it was just about the sex. I don’t believe it for a second!

  12. What if the cheating husband has a love affair for over two years and then because his wife files for a divorce he stops chasing the other woman? He does most everything right to win his wife back but will not block all contact (email, phone, or social media). He says that does not matter. He hasn’t talked to her. But to the wife it matters a lot. What is the wife to do?

  13. Hi, after just getting over an affair and returning to the normality of a good relationship… I can say these type of relationships really screw with your head. I have learnt that affairs happen in good relationships (human nature to want more; it’s as simple as that). The affair will create the most euphoic highs and heart wrenching lows… that not even the purest class A drugs could ever come close to.

    You may think you are in control of it… but the simple fact is the nature of this relationship evokes such powerful visual emotions in you that it’s possible that you will never be the same again. I mean the confusion it can create (affair fog) can take a long time to figure out.

    You may think this person is a personal gift from God. But the ground reality is very, very different. It’s only natural that at some point you’re going re-enter earth’s atmosphere. And when you land… lets hope you haven’t messed everything up that was real and good in your life.

    It was easy to get into the affair but getting out of it was possibly one of the hardest things I have ever done. The pain was unbearable, not necessarily because you are in love with your affair partner or so I thought, but because you love you. When you’re around that person you feel beautiful, attractive, smart… Absolutely bullet proof. I think if you could put this in a bottle it would simply be the most addictive drug on earth. I think ending the affair is so hard because you feel you lose that part of you that you loved so much… like a lead character in a movie. It didn’t really exist… Ouch.

    1. Hello, OMG! You hit the nail on the head when you said, ” I think ending the affair is so hard because you feel you lose that part of you that you loved so much”…when I was with my affair partner I felt beautiful and sexy and adored but only for the moment. Now, im a mess but crawling my way back up…I enjoyed reading your post and I hope your doing well…Thanks!

    2. I don’t know if you’re still around a year later but EVERYTHING you wrote resonated with me 100%. If you read this please let me know how you’re doing. I still struggle terribly almost a year after my 5 year affair ended for the exact reasons you wrote about. Thank goodness I didn’t lose EVERYTHING in my life and am back “where I belong” but it’s a struggle still…

  14. I knew a man on a dating site past 2 years. I’m Asian, and he is white. We have huge differences in all aspects, lifestyle, education, family background, language… nothing similar. He told me he was divorced for over 2 years (in the first few months I didn’t know he had 2 kids after 13 years of marriage). Despite this I just knew he was separated for more or less a year before he knew me, and that he was trying up for new relationship a few times before me.

    It was a tremendous journey persuading my family upon this interracial relationship. I’ve been through a hell against our family culture. I met with a few lawyers for advice. Cultural became my main concern until I finally made it through. He went to my house meeting my parents and family to ask for my hand. My dad finally agreed and this put me to tears. It comes to the day we start preparing for our marriage papers. I asked for his divorce certificate and he was not able to manage to provide it. Later I found out, he WAS NOT YET LEGALLY DIVORCED. It was all messed up!!! All the things I told to my family sounds like a lie.

    The relationship went too far before I realised all things. We had an intense relationship by then. I kept pushing him to finalize the divorce. He paid some lawyers from his country to do that since he was married not in my country. After 8 months of waiting I didn’t find any answers so we agreed to pay $10000 (we share the payments) to a local lawyer to allow him to have polygamy licence (allowed in my country but strictly prohibited in his).

    I still don’t know what I am doing now. My parents are preparing for our wedding next month and I’m still waiting for his polygamy licence.

    1. What? Have you lost your common sense? Yes, you let your relationship go too far up to now, but what makes you think that seals your fate in making a good decision now? You are planning on marrying a married man. Do your parents know? If not, they should. You shouldn’t keep this type of secret from your parents before you would marry. Think about it… with this polygamy license, not only are you obligating yourself to share yourself with his wife (and he could totally sleep with her if he wants), you are also opening yourself to allowing him to introduce another woman into your trio relationship with him, his wife, and then you. What would stop him? Honesty, loyalty, faithful love, and a “promise” not to? He has already shown that he breaks all of those values.

      Dearest “International”, please don’t do this. I sense that you will DEEPLY, DEEPLY regret it. The interracial differences will just be the tip of the iceberg as far as the differences you will have to live through. Remember that marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. He has already shown that he is not capable of keeping that type of commitment. Please don’t believe that it is all his wife’s fault for the separation. This man has lied to you in the past… what makes you believe him in this? Please, please, please stop going forth with this “marriage” in which YOU will be married, but will he? WAKE UP! Don’t stay in this fog you are in, to allow yourself to settle so low, just for the sake of marrying. And then think of the mess you will have on your hands if you have children together. Will you be concealing his other wife, and the possibility of more to come because of this polygamy license?

      No matter how far your relationship has traveled up to this point –even if you have had sex together, and you paid for a dumb license, please don’t allow past mistakes to continue on by making this even bigger mistake. Present and future mistakes do not erase or justify past mistakes. Stop the insanity. Please know that marriage is sacred. Don’t marry someone who does not see it that way or show that he honors that commitment. I hope you will very prayerfully consider what I am saying here. I trust that if you do, you will NOT marry this cheater.

      1. I too am in the same situation at the moment but not totally the same as Interracial Marriage. I also met a white man online and became friends for 6 months chatting, skyping, video calling, and all. He then planned to come here in my country last February to finally meet me and became official. Now we are in our 6 months relationship when he told me everything about his relationship to his considered “ex-wife”. He told me he was divorced almost 3 years ago and unhappy for almost 6 years already.

        Before this mess happened for a month now, he was so in love with me, told me lots of sweet moments, planned the future with me, planned another trip to see me (which always leads to cancellation) everything he can talk about we talked about it. He assures me every single day that he loves me so much and what he and his “ex-wife” are just for their sick son. His son has OCD and Aspergers which is terribly worst case already. What he told me about his situation – why he lives with his ex wife in their house is because of their sick son and also it is expensive to pay for both houses and taxes. He usually assures me that there is nothing going on with her and him. They even slept in different rooms as what he told me and no sexual things happened between them. This is what he told me about it..

        During the 5 months we were together, I was on cloud 9 as well as him. He became so happy and he said he realized that after being lonely and unhappy for long years he can be happy again. He even planned to buy his own house; he even showed me some houses to consider and we planned to have our small family. I was so happy and he even showed very happy when we talk. We communicate every day since he got up in the morning until I go to bed in the evening after my work. He told me everything what’s going on in their house and with his kids and even his ex. Then, he told me that July after his daughter graduates from high school he will talk to his ex to sell their house and separate totally. I waited and waited and waited which until now didn’t happen. Last Month I tried to push him to tell his ex to sell the house and talk to her and all. He then become anxious about it and seems like he doesn’t want to do anything. However, he tried talking to his ex but she always tries to avoid the topic.

        Then last month too, they talked and they decided to stay being together for their son until he gets better in special school and all. Then he told me his ex asked him to try more maybe they will find each other again but he told me that no matter will happen he will never go back to her because he doesn’t love her anymore. But sadly, they had sex twice on that night and told me next day I have to move on. He has to stay for his son and even it’s very painful for him he has to let me go. I was in total shocked what’s going on?. Then after 2 days we talked over skype again and he told me what they had decided so i have to accept it, but even then he told me that it’s me he loves so much. It’s me who is his true love, and it’s me who he can see his future with.

        On that month he told me he is not totally divorced; that even blew me up for good. All along he lied to me and everything. We decided to stop and cut off all the communication because he wants to stay and fix his marriage and I even told myself I gave up. But every night when he is going to bed, he calls me or sends me messages in skype that he can’t live without me, he can’t take the pain because he loves me very very much. I too became stupid and accepted him again and again. Last week he told his wife about us, about me, and what he really feels for me. Then his wife told him she will forgive him because she’s still in love with him and will try to give all the attention, love, care, and intimacy he needs.

        They tried but he told me no change at all because it’s hard and it takes a lot of time before it will recover. I can’t understand because even he decided to fix his marriage and even he pushed to get the therapy next month. He is still telling me he loves me so much and he has in the deepest part of his heart hope that we can be together someday. This action from him makes me very confused to let him go or stay. Please give me some advice or encouragement what to do. Thanks.