When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

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I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.

So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then here is a great article written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read this article (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:

FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex

— ADDITIONALLY —

Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:

I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:

THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO

These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.

Past Abuse Nightmares

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.

I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.

But whatever it is, please work on it.

They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.

Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful.

That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

A Time for Everything

Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).

Work on your issues.

If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.

The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.

Helpful Resources:

There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner has given me insights. Also  the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as better understanding the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s important —especially to the spouse who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially women) realize.

God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

But what if you don’t feel like it?

If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!

Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:

How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.

In closing:

Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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Comments

553 responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

  1. My wife said obviously when you wrote this you didn’t know me, because I want sex everyday. To be honest, I want sex at least twice a day. I think most women would want to be desired so much after 15 years of marriage or even be able to do it in my fifties. My wife controls the sex; she says how many times and when. She actually says no if I approach her. I try to explain to her it’s like eating, Just cause I ate once doesn’t mean I won’t get hungry later.

    I get so mad and angry all the things I read in your article is happening to me. My wife doesn’t care; sex is a burden to her. I’m afraid I will find sex else where, I’m ashamed but I’m looking at porn. My question is does your husband desire sex daily? We have attended many seminars together. It’s like we both hear the same thing like “wives initiate sex once in a while,” but she still hasn’t. Don’t withhold; but she does. I get sooo angry I feel rejected everyday. In the beginning it was ok I guess but for the last ten years it’s the same position every time and nothing else. I love chicken but don’t want to eat it everyday. Tonight when she announced what I said in the beginning, ok thinking it’s over she will never submit or try to please me. Thank you, JR

    1. Its happening now. Have married for 37 years; it was just a good happy family. We have 4 kids, two are married now with they children. We are both 62 years old but now my wife doesnt’ need sex anymore. For the past ten years she doesn’t want to be touched; she changings her clothes in the bathroom; she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s just decided not to think about as we now have two grand daughters. Me, as a man feels its not fair just waiting to see how long it will go and God will provide my happiness one day.

  2. I just read an article from Focus on the Family, which was to an extent and eye-opener. Excerpts are:

    “Research suggests that a husband’s oxytocin level increases following an act of sexual intimacy. A man’s brain re-bonds with his spouse, often making him more committed to his family, more satisfied with his wife, more invested in his home.”
    http://email.fotf.com/public/m/thomas-passion-pleasure-rsnd-tst?refcd=576302&utm_campaign=576302&utm_medium=email&utm_source=resource
    If many husbands and wives would read this, I’m sure their much-awaited miracle might just happen.

  3. Why not tell it straight as it is: refusing sex to your spouse is SIN! 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    Can you count the number of commands that tell you to have sex with your spouse and not deprive each other? Not obeying is not an option, it is SIN!

  4. I see little on here to inspire the wife whose husband is not a true partner in marriage, whose husband doesn’t respect her, whose husband has little emotional connection with her. How then is she to be eager to jump into the marital bed with this man? My heart breaks for this woman.

    1. What about the guys who’ve tried everything to please his wife and talk to his wife about the problems he’s having with her not showing love. I ask my wife what do I need to do to make her happy and to make her desire me more. She told me to help her with the kids and do more around the house, so I stepped up my game, but nothing really changed. I still have to be the one who chases her; I don’t know what else to do. I give her days after days hoping she would ask first but she takes advantage of it and gets more sleep. If I was a sorry husband I would understand the reason for not desiring me, I hate to complain to you but I wanted to get it off my chest.

    2. Oh, blame the husband as usual. I am faithful, I work hard, love her, listen to her complaints, genuinely care, clean the house, yet she uses sex to control me. I think I am being abused because not only do I not get sex but I’m called boring and constantly compared to her father “the perfect man” and made to feel small infront of other people, as if I am an embarrasment. Sorry, I cant live up to her worldly expectations. She should not have married me in that case. And having sex with your spouse is not a choice. If you love someone you will want sex with that person. I gather my wife does not love me at all and I feel many women married their husbands because they could not get their “Hollywood hunk.”

  5. This is a tough one. ‘Desire’ does not have much to do with it. We don’t desire to cut grass, mop the floors, weed-eat, wash the car, vacuum, wash dishes, clean baseboards, bathe the dog, unstop the drain, but we do it.

    It’s a 2 way street; if you spouse does not want to, you have to respect that. But, if your spouse wants it, you need to do it. Husbands & wives. I would rather have sex than spend 2 hours cutting grass, even if I don’t have the desire for either. Come on people, it only takes a few minutes for days of satisfaction. I wish my work was like that, work for 5 minutes and the client will be happy for days.

    1. You got it. It takes so little effort to please a man in the ONLY area of marriage that cannot be outsourced. Remember, you vowed fidelity not chastity. The effort to make it work is sooooo low, and yet the risks are sooooo high if you deny your husband sex, and the consequences are sooooo huge. Its a no brainer.

      1. Same goes for a woman too. There are plenty of women that need sex or to be touched, and the guy does not want to. I know occasionally that there are health issues that prevent sex, but the woman can be satisfied other ways. Come on guys, do your homework or someone else will do it for you.

        1. And same thing to the ‘wives in name only’. If you don’t take care of your husband, another woman will. Maybe a few other women will, repeatedly and better than you.

    2. I have sex all the time without desire. I also never get any satisfaction out of having sex, but if it makes my husband happy, I can do 5 minutes of sex now and then. Who needs desire or satisfaction as long as one of us is happy?

  6. Best advice is for the men to work on improving themselves. She is probably cheating or looking to cheat. Christian and church-going doesn’t change human nature.

  7. Just a little background, my wife is 67 and I am 56. Married just ove 2 years. In the beginning we made love at least once a week. The last 9 months or more, she is “still satisfied ” from the last time, sometimes about 2 weeks ago. But she will “take care of me”, or she says I can “use her body”. Well I don’t want to complain, however I don’t just “want to be taken care of”, or just “use her body”. I would like her to want to be a participant in the act of our “love making”. Am I wrong???

    1. No Mike, you are not wrong. Of course you want your wife to be on the same page as you sexually. That is pretty normal. But you and your wife are different in many ways; this is one of them. She loves you but doesn’t desire to make love to you as often as you want to. She can’t manufacture that “want” just because you and she may think that should happen. But even though she doesn’t want it she is willing to be there for you. Even though she doesn’t understand your desire to be intimate in this way as often as you want it, she wants doesn’t want to leave you hanging. Her choice of words is unfortunate. She shouldn’t say it that way, but she is saying it out of frustration because it makes no sense to her. And when we’re frustrated and/or confused we don’t always say things the way we should.

      I’m sure there are aspects of your marriage in which you don’t want to do certain things but you do them for your wife because you know they are important to her. A lot of time conversation falls into that category for many husbands and wives. Many men don’t see the need to talk about certain matters as often as their wife does. And many men don’t feel a need to even talk about subjects. They seem mundane to them, but they are important to their wife. Their wife probably wouldn’t understand that. To her, close, intimate conversation with him is her way of emotionally connecting with him… just as making love is his way of feeling close to her physically as well as emotionally. Will he always “want” to talk to her to the extent of what she would want him to talk? No. He can’t manufacture up wanting to do something just because she wants him to want to do it. But the fact that he WILL do it because he loves her is at least something good.

      I don’t know if this is what is happening with you and your wife, but the fact that she loves you enough to not shut you off completely because she doesn’t feel the need is something good. Many wives think that just because they don’t feel the need he shouldn’t and so they turn their back completely on his need. That is selfish… just as it would be selfish not to talk further over and over again than one spouse feels is necessary. Marriage is a partnership, not one spouse keeping the other spouse hostage to their all of their wants and wishes. It’s a give and take relationship on multiple levels.

      I’m not sure that I’m explaining this to you right. It’s such a fuzzy and confusing issue. And it’s difficult to explain. It’s also difficult when we want certain actions from our spouse and our spouse doesn’t and just can’t seem to want to want to do it. All I can say is try to be as unselfish in how you approach love making. Give your wife grace on her attitude. And make it a goal to pleasure your spouse, rather than just yourself. If you are giving and you look for ways to give your spouse pleasure inside of the marital bed, as well as outside of it, you will do well. I hope this gives you at least a peak into your wife’s motives in all of this. It’s more complicated that that, but give her grace and look beyond whatever you can in this.

    2. Sorry for saying this in advance, Mike you need to understand, your wife is 11 years older, not 11 years younger. If she is willing to let you, you need to be OK with that. I would be, but your wife needs to ‘fake it a little’ But after you cross that 65 year mark, desire really goes down, especially for a woman. Remember that…

  8. I do not like this article. My husband has a sex addiction and he just read this justifying his actions and blaming me for his cheating and sinful ways. This just encouraged him to make himself feel better because I need to be a good wife and please him.

    1. No one, are you not having sex at all with your husband? 2 or 3 minutes of sex goes a long way for a man.

  9. Thank you for your article and thank you to the many people who have taken the time to give constructive comment. I’ve found it helpful. Over the last few years I have, from time to time, searched many sites for help, advice and (mainly) understanding on this topic and, more often than not, I’ve found that responses seem critical of Men or seem to imply that Men are just doing the wrong thing or are somehow to blame for the withholding of sex from a wife. I’ve never dared comment on this topic before, but somehow feel the need to do so now.

    In short, we’re 45, married 20 years, been together since 18. We have two great kids whom we love and adore. I’m not an especially confident man, but I do know I’m a great dad to my kids and I do know I have devoted a great deal of time, energy and love to my marriage. Life has been tough to us, and we’ve been through terrible times as a team together and we were both terribly neglected as children before then. My wife was raped and then nearly committed suicide shortly before we met and I have had the heart-breaking task of trying to heal this horrific damage since then. Making love was never frequent or ‘easy’ to initiate but used reliably to happen if my wife was tipsy or occasionally when her many defences were somehow lowered. We were so in love and, although she was often defensive or emotionally fragile and difficult, I was able to ‘hold’ her, comfort her, nurture her and be there for her. I felt like I was her cherished boyfriend then husband and I knew she loved me.

    Sadly, since my son arrived 14 years ago something shifted and she devoted herself to him 100% and then, 3 years later, to our daughter as well. She had hours of cuddles and attention for them and -literally- none for me. It was like I was completely shut out. Forget sex, there were no hugs, cuddles or touching of any kind in bed. Worse, she somehow became more and more actively hostile to me and angry with me for, essentially, no reason at all. Then I had a breakdown myself and was hospitalized for 6 weeks for anxiety and depression. Now, years later, somehow I remain unforgiven for abandoning her with the the kids and this always comes up if the question of physical intimacy is raised by me. We haven’t had sex (or even a cuddle in bed, though I’d desperately love one) for a couple of years. Before that intimacy was very rare, with frequent gaps of a year or more. I’ve DESPARATELY wanted sex and love but I was always rejected if I indicated even a hint of desire. I learned to respond on the rare occasions she wanted it and keep it hidden at all other times.

    We’ve both had plenty of counselling but this problem just won’t shift. Nowadays, If I raise it as a problem then I am just ‘thinking of one thing’ and immediately shut out. After plenty of prayer and approaching the issue from all possible angles, I fear that this is just the way it is going to be. In short, divorce isn’t an option, an affair isn’t an option and I need, I think, simply to bear this cross. But it is cold and lonely, and it hurts deeply whenever the topic of lovemaking is raised on tv, in magazines, online or in church etc. Sometimes in the last couple of years I think I should just kill myself so that my wife can focus on the kids and her busy life without me getting in the way, but I know this isn’t really an option for me. It seems easy, but it is so hard to suppress/control sexual desire for so long. I just don’t get how this fits in with God’s will and The Bible. Perhaps one or two people reading this might say a quiet prayer for me, this stranger on the Net. Thank you and God Bless.

    1. Fletcher, I most certainly WILL say a prayer for you. Your life and marriage in many ways mirror mine, although we have not had (at least up until now) the problems you mentioned, we are now struggling with our daughter’s depression and bipolar disorder. She was just released this weekend from a residential treatment center and I see no real improvement.

      We recently tried to attempt intimacy and I was able to satisfy her manually, although as is par for the course, she controls the when/how, etc and I am left unsatisfied. She is not, and never has been particularly interested in sex, usually claiming one excuse or the other over the years.

      She has plenty of time, energy, motivation etc for her numerous church, civic, and charitable works, probably as a means of being “out of arms’ reach” and too tired for any intimacy to speak of.

      I would like to be able to tell you it will get better, but 25 years of denial and neglect have convinced me otherwise, so I won’t insult your intelligence by mouthing platitudes. You have made it clear that divorce is not a viable option, and I suppose that for the foreseeable future, it isn’t for me either. All I can do is wish you Peace and strength this day.

    2. Fletcher, your story is a tough one. I hate to say this, but things probably will not change. It’s not uncommon for a women to give her children all her attention and none to her husband. Grandchildren will arrive & it will start all over. My suggestion is 2 things, 1. Don’t fight it, cant win. 2nd, Get some time consuming hobby, golf, big motorcycle, (you are in England so you have those cool British motorcycles) something to consume a lot of your time. Plus you can be with other guys who are neglected by their wives.

  10. I have an entirely different one. I’m 31 and my husband is 37. We met when I was 17. He taught me all I knew about sex. We’re married for almost 9 years now but we dated for 6 years before marriage. We used to have sex every day. He practically turned me into a sex addict. Now we can go on for months without sex because he doesn’t want to, while I’m always craving it.

    Last year, he didn’t ‘feel like’ for almost 10 months. I was super frustrated because I had become an addict. It got to a stage where masturbation didn’t seem to be enough. I then became friends with a colleague whose shoulder was always available. Platonic turned romantic and before you know, in the 6th month of no sex with my husband, we had sex. It was mind blowing. Nothing I ever experienced. He was my second man. I became hooked.

    Now my conscience won’t let me do it again, but I always reminisce about it. My husband doesn’t do foreplay anymore. This is a man that used to spend hours on foreplay with ice cream etc. Now he just goes straight to the point. Cums in about 1 and a half minutes, moves straight to the bathroom to wash up, and heads straight to bed snoring away, leaving me very dumbfounded and dissatisfied. So, now, most times I say no to him. What’s the point?

    1. Wow, don’t quite know how to answer this one. Glad your conscience won’t let you do it again. That is good. Stay faithful. Sadly damage is done. Guys lose interest because excessive stress from work and home. But to go that long without any sex is unusual . Many husbands would like your drive. But, some guys don’t like to much drive from their women. They like to be the aggressor. It is the male or guy way. Try not to ask for any sex at all. Let him start being the aggressor.

  11. I am 79 yrs old. It is not a question of sex. My wife is a caregiver. I am 10 yrs older than her. I am also a veteran; Army, 1960 to 63. She only comes home on weekends. She just seems to be fed up with me.

  12. My Family and I need prayer… I’ve known my wife for 28 years and we’ve been married for 22 years. We have 4 wonderful kids and we both contribute to parenting. I’ve always have been supportive of my wife, whether she wanted to stay at home with the kids or pursue college courses etc. Unfortunately, my wife has zero sexual desire for me and even leaning in for a kiss can be awkward.

    I find myself thinking about sex more due to the lack of not having it. Our frequency is barely once per month. I totally understand about being tired and Family commitments… I’m dumbfounded because I do 80 to 90% of the cooking, I help fold clothes, wash, clean, and put our two youngest to bed. I come straight home from work with the exception of stopping by the store for the Family…

    I feel so rejected. At one point my wife told me that I could have a hall pass to fulfill my needs outside of our marriage. I said absolutely not. However, it’s been so difficult maintaining self-control and still trying to love my wife through whatever she’s facing. I miss having intimacy. When I say something about it to my wife she either reacts with anger or says that I’m being sensitive – so I suppress my thoughts more.

    We haven’t tried counseling yet and I’m not sure what type of therapist can help with our issue. I think my wife is no longer excited by me, but she hasn’t said anything about leaving me. I’ve already covered the whole thing related to, “is there some one else”. She told me to listen to my gut. What the heck does that even mean?

    I pay for my wife’s community college costs and I want her to succeed in life. I have never said anything negative about career choices or stay at home parent choices. Even with my optimism, it seems like once a person reaches the lack of desire point, there’s no going back.

    I need more than a platonic relationship with my wife. I’m at a crossroad and some advice.

    1. Timothy, You need to find a female Christian counselor and see if your wife will go to a counseling session with you. If your wife won’t go with you, then I would suggest that you go alone and ask the counselor to help you figure out a plan to court your wife and draw her back into your marriage relationship. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you asked your wife “Is there someone else?” and she told you to “listen to your gut”, she is almost guaranteed telling you that there IS someone else. That’s also why she told you that “you can have a hall pass”. She is looking to legitimize her behavior by getting you to engage in the same behavior. You need a counselor who brings a woman’s perspective to help you navigate through this. I will pray for you: Oh Father, Please intervene powerfully into the marriage relationship of Timothy and his wife. Disrupt whatever relationship his wife has going on outside of their marriage. Do whatever is necessary to cause her to turn her heart back towards Timothy. Give Timothy the wisdom to know how to court his wife in a way that is irresistible to her. Draw them back together by Your healing hand. I bring these requests to You in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus, Amen!!!

  13. I am not sure how to respond to any of this… For the past 15 years, my wife has had zero desire for me whatsoever… One tries to react to any reasonable situation, and it become unreasonable very quickly. None of this seems right, as I perform 99 percent of the housework, 100 percent of the finances, 99 percent of the cooking, 98 percent of helping with homework, etc. She performs absolutely zero tasks for the family (or me) and it never seems to be enough. What to do?

    1. Sorry Bill, 1st, lift her up in prayer, The Power of a Praying® Husband is a good book. Is she suffering from depression? Sounds like it. It is OK to take meds for this. Some of the depression meds increases sex drive. Encourage her to see a doctor.

  14. My wife was one of ten children and was reluctant to get pregnant. She always insisted on me using a rubber and when I was ready to ejaculate she insisted I get out. This was very frustrating to me.

    When she became ill with cancer, I masturbated to relieve myself. She often told me when she was gone to find a good Christian woman and not sit around and pine. When she was gone I did not intend to marry again. My father, a minister, told me when a man had a good job and roof over his head women would come out of the woodwork. Within two months ten women made themselves available. After eight days one came on to me and offered me her body. I haven’t known a woman for more than ten years. I could not resist the temptation to fulfill my desire. She insisted on sex at least five times a week. Knowing it was sinful I insisted on getting a license. I obtained a license and for the next thirty years we had her desire met. We had sex at least five times a week to my enjoyment. At eighty years of age I lost my erections and now at eighty-seven still have the desire but no sex. Memories linger on.