The Deadly Fallout of Divorce

Divorce Tragedies Pixabay woman-face-2254765_1920You might wrestle with thoughts like: God wants me to be happier than this. Once we get through the divorce, the children will adjust. In the long run, everyone will be better off. But the honest truth is that divorce is a tragedy with painful repercussions for everyone involved. More important, its advantages rarely outweigh its negative impact.

Divorce is ugly even when it’s between two nice people. The notion of a “good divorce” is a definite oxymoron. Whether it is the man who walks away or the woman who leaves, the very nature of divorce places a couple in an antagonistic position. It forces each of them to look after his or her own personal (and, yes, frequently selfish) interests.

…There are many reasons why we believe divorce is a choice you will regret.

Following are six that occur most often in our research.

1. Divorce devastates your children.

Although it is common to assume that children are resilient and “bounce back” after divorce, many recent studies reveal that divorce leaves children with lifelong scars. The reality is that kids (regardless of their ages) are innocent victims of divorce. And yet they often blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriage. At the same time, they lose the constant presence of one parent. They may also lose their home, their church, and their standard of living. They may lose their sense that life is secure, and their role models for lasting love and healthy relationships. As a result, children of divorce have a higher probability of being abused, having difficulty in school, and struggling with depression. There is higher probability of acting out violently, getting involved in promiscuity, falling into addictions, failing in their marriages, and rejecting their parents’ faith.

2. Divorce confuses and disconnects other people too.

Family members and friends feel like they have to choose sides, and they feel disloyal if they still love and respect the left-behind spouse. “My heart is broken,” said the mother of a walk-out woman. “I love her so much, but she will never understand how hard this is for me.” Many times the extraordinarily valuable interaction between grandparents and grandchildren is compromised or ruined.

3. Divorce is a financial disaster —especially for women.

It’s obvious that it costs more for a couple or family to live apart than to live together. Sometimes the family home has to be sold and other assets divided. Add in the lawyers’ fees, and from a purely monetary position, divorce doesn’t make sense. The impact on everyone’s self-esteem and the adjustment in quality of life is far more severe than most women ever think possible. Because women usually retain custody of children and because women usually earn less than men, the majority of divorced women experience a dramatic drop in their standard of living. This can be as much as 27 percent, while men typically gain about 10 percent.

One person summed it up this way: When you think of the thousands of dollars a couple spends on divorce proceedings, how much better if that money were spent on marriage counseling and attempts at reconciliation. Another says, “Divorce is much more financially devastating than most wives can imagine. I know because I’ve been there.”

4. Divorce rarely solves the problem.

It’s tempting to believe that divorce is easier than keeping the marriage together, but that’s simply not true. Running away rarely solves problems; we carry them with us like heavy suitcases. If you had communication problems in your marriage, chances are you will continue to have communication problems. If there are intimacy issues in marriage, those issues are likely to follow you out of the marriage.

No matter how painful your relationship has become, you really do have a choice. You can stay in the marriage and work on the issues where you are. Or you can leave and work on those same issues in a different situation —with all the added pain and devastation created by the divorce itself.

5. Divorce sets you up to repeat your difficulty.

It may be tempting, while in the throes of a painful marriage, to assume that things would be better with someone else. But research shows just the opposite. The truth is that second marriages have about a 60 percent failure rate. And that percentage increases exponentially for third or fourth marriages. Too often the complaints heard about a first marriage are the same complaints that develop in subsequent relationships.

6. Divorce often weakens your faith.

Knowing that God hates divorce, it is not uncommon for a walk-out woman to distance herself from church and Christian friends. As her pride and self-esteem tumble, she may become like a lonely ember separated from the fire. And her faith may slowly turn cold.

The school of life, as well as many passages in the Bible teaches us that difficulties help us grow. But walking away from our problems usually does just the opposite. It promotes immaturity because we escape the challenges and hard work of perseverance and patience. Yes, it is natural to look for a way out when facing adversity. But choosing to remain steadfast builds character and helps us discover the great faithfulness of God. God has set eternity in our hearts. And He is preparing us for the there instead of providing us with what we call happiness here. Unfortunately the choice between happiness and godliness is not always easy.

We realize that some of you reading this are in such dire circumstances that you must leave. If that’s true —if you’ve carefully and prayerfully considered your options, sought counseling, done everything you can to make your marriage work —then we certainly aren’t sitting in judgment. The road before you will be hard. We hope you will rely on your heavenly Father, who loves you no matter what. He is there to comfort, guide, and help you grow through this new kind of adversity.

Consequences of Divorce

But before you reach that point, we pray that you will think very hard about the consequences of divorce. We have found that people who think about walking away usually minimize the consequences of divorce. They believe they can beat the odds and make another marriage work. Many believe that their children will get through the trauma of divorce without any scars. They rationalize away their moral and religious beliefs by saying that God wants them to be happy. And yet they make a choice that leaves a wide path of pain for others.

You may think it would take a miracle for your marriage. But again, God is in the miracle business and nothing is impossible with Him. With His help, you can not only survive, but actually thrive in your marriage.

The Bible says that we leave an inheritance to our children’s children. If you intentionally leave your marriage and forsake your vows you made on your wedding day, you leave an inheritance of regret. We don’t know anyone who is proud of his or her divorce.

But if you stay in your marriage and with God’s help it turns around, think of the wonderful inheritance you will leave for others. It will be a legacy of faith and faithfulness. That is truly a rich and worthy gift to pass along to future generations.

Marriage Missions Editors Note:

This is what the Bible has to say on this subject:

“When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.” (Numbers 30:2)

“Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the Lord your God with your own mouth.” (Deuteronomy 23:23)

“It is a trap for a man to dedicate something rashly and only later to consider his vows.” (Proverbs 20:25)

Remember:

“…the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth. She is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:14-15)

“When you are making a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools. Fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, ‘My vow was a mistake.’ Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the works of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.” (Ecclesiastes 5:4-7)

This article comes for the outstanding book titled, The Walk-Out Woman: When Your Heart is Empty and Your Dreams Are Lost. It is written by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray, and is published by Multnomah. We HIGHLY recommend this book! It really is a “must-have resource!” It’s especially beneficial for women who really need practical help to breathe new life into their marriages, which may seem hopeless.

This is what the authors have to say, concerning this book:

“We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started ‘keeping score’ and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, and getting connected again with your husband. There is also help for resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.”

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Filed under: Separation and Divorce

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52 responses to “The Deadly Fallout of Divorce

  1. (UNITED STATES)  My dearest brothers and sisters in Christ, I have read what has been written by most of you as I read I felt your pain. I know  divorce is difficult and I know you cry yourself to sleep. You pace the floor and burn the midnight candle at both ends, days become mixed and you are awake all night unable to sleep, unable to forget. The pain is so deep it is like there has been a death and there has been one.

    I could go on and on because I myself am divorced and it cut me deeply. I would like to encourage those who are divorced to keep your eyes on God for he will be there to comfort you and to direct your path. He will give you His peace help you build your life again. I am not saying it will be easy but as you lean on Him and trust in Him he will bring you to a place of acceptance. There is no counselor who can out do our Lord. We must be people of faith and of hope and come to understand the Lord understands what you are going through.

    I have learned to lean on my Beloved because He was and is my hope and the reason I survived this devastating divorce. It has taken seven years between separation and divorce. I learned to press into God and he turned my nights into songs of worship and adoration. He gave me understanding and wisdom to manage my time and energy on what was good and not to focus on the negatives. He has used my situation to speak to those who are thinking of divorce and stopped them from making a mistake. My life story has caused some men and women who were thinking of cheating on their spouses to rethink and turn away from causing another pain and committing adultery.

    I am aware there might be some who are living with regrets. I can say God is a loving and forgiving God. We must understand in our mind and hearts that regrets, anger and not being forgiving, does not move God. But faith and forgiveness moves His heart and hands. And as we trust Him, He will heal your broken hearts and help you walk in peace with Him, with yourself and even those who has caused such deep pain.

    I did read one who confessed to another they would find themselves in the same situation. Please keep the faith and believe just how great our God is and let the confessions of your mouth be full of faith, for we serve a Mighty and Glorious God who can turn a negative into a positive and an impossible situation into a possibility. Do not under any circumstance make a treaty or agree with the enemy of our souls, the father of lies. Put your trust in God alone.

    I know we tend to congregate with people who are hurting, like ourselves because in those we find understanding. But I encourage you to congregate yourselves with people of faith and those who will stand with you and pray so that we can become a better person with greater understanding, walking in forgiveness in mind and hearts. Also, so we can become the difference that will make the difference because of Him, who lives in us and who is our hope in glory.

    I came into this web site because I just became engaged and I am taking this real slow for I desired to know where I need to work in myself. Me and my fiancé want to learn together and give this new relationship the chance it deserves through his love and grace, as we pray together.

  2. (USA) Too bad that the focus is not on the husband AGAPE-loving his wife, laying down his life for her, cherishing and honoring her, nurturing washing her with the water of the Word, living with understanding of her, etc. She responds — he initiates, she respond (just like Jesus Christ who initiated, and the bride of Christ who responds to His love). Jesus did not wait until we we were “submitting” to agape-love us. Not at all. His example is of sacrificial, SACRIFICIAL LOVE and humble service.

    Jesus laid down His life. The focus in Malach is NOT “God hates divorce,” it IS to the husbands “do not deal treacherously with the wife of your youth.” Four times it says not to deal treacherously…and says that in doing so, which ends in divorce HEAPS VIOLENCE upon her.

    YES, the wife has violence heaped upon her, and it disgusts me to hear of Christian leadership backing the husband in a divorce, because ultimately, they are also at fault for NOT holding him accountable to the fact that he was not agape-loving his wife. NO Christian wife is going to file divorce on her Christian husband who truly LOVES her and lives with understanding of her, it just is not going to happen.

    Wonderful news that Paul writes five times to “husbands, agape love your wives.” “Head” does not mean ruler or boss — there is no heirarchy in the one-flesh union of Christian marriage. It DOES mean “source of life/strength”

    Jesus laid down his life! I know of a man who refused to pay $85 to get Godly counsel from a wonderful Christian marriage ministry, but is wholeheartedly spending ~$10,000 on atty fees, plus tricking his elderly mother into buying him a house… where in the world is the “laying down his life.” The WIFE is not told to do that…. the husband is.

    Jesus never told the Pharisees that they had the right to get involved in couples choosing divorce. His point was ALL about the fact that we are ALL sinners, and that God looks at the heart. Otherwise, the penalty for lust and hate would both have been death. And Jesus did not do that, nor did He instruct His disciples or apostles to get involved with divorce. His focus was all about LOVE.

    Some thoughts to ponder.

    1. “NO Christian wife is going to file divorce on her Christian husband who truly LOVES her and lives with understanding of her; it just is not going to happen.” My Christian wife filed divorce against me -her Christian husband, who truly loves her and truly lives with the understanding of her. NEVER underestimate the power of Satan against the weak-minded.

      A year and a half ago, my wife would have been ashamed to know anyone who would do what she has done against me and my beautiful children. She was always the first to speak out and let someone know what they were doing was going to harm their children and their walk with God.

      Now, she’s a moral relativist who’s in denial and justifies all of her actions. Our pastor and our Christian marriage counselor don’t know what to do about her. She hears only what she wants to hear and remixes everything that they say so it comes out to justify her actions. She lies to them and spins everything so it sounds like it’s all my fault -and yet I’m the one who is 110% committed to our marriage.

      I sit back, broken hearted, held and comforted by God and just look at her with amazement. Two years ago, we were the couple that everyone said would never get divorced. We never believed in divorce. We told everyone else for 15 years that we didn’t believe in divorce. Now she swears she has never said or believed that -and that EVERYONE who says she said that is a liar and is wrong, including her mother, her brother and all of our friends.

    2. Don’t know where you are finding churches that back the husband in divorce. When my ex-wife had an affair and sought a divorce, the pastor asked me what I did to force her to have an affair. They wouldn’t confront her as described in Matthew 18.

      The modern North American church appears to be pro-women getting divorces and anti-divorced husband. Don’t know where you are finding churches who are supporting husbands getting divorces. Seems they’re in the blame men, even if it was his wife having an affair and choosing the divorce model of ministry.

    3. The logic of this falls short when we learn that women reject the ultimate provider of Agape love, Christ. If wives, Christian or otherwise can reject Christ, it shouldn’t be impossible to understand husbands being rejected by wives, Christian or otherwise.

      1. England, as women live on emotion they must renew there mind so they can keep the flesh in check otherwise they will ruin there marriages and children and husbands.
        Women were made for men as helpmates but now they have become men, taking over their role.
        When I was married I just wanted my wife to honer me then I would have let her go anywhere, but it just made me mad as it was like being single. Most girls walk round, single parents, no dad, no marriage. What generation of kids will be like nomads, rejected, insecure, out of control, sexually immoral.

        Seems like end time people are being set now. Seems like something big on the horizon. Matthew 24

  3. (USA) I have read all the posts above and wanted thoughts from others on realizing after you signed the divorce papers that it was a mistake and the possibility of getting back together.

  4. (INDIA) I’m a Hindu guy. I had an affair with a girl for 5 years and we married in court. After some days she told her parents. From that day they hide her and made her completely change. Now she has filed a case for divorce… please pray for me.

  5. (USA) Sites like this anger me at times. There must be good sides to divorce, like peace of mind, no longer worrying about your spouse cheating, no more physical, emotional, or mental abuse, etc. I am a Christian but this is a difficult time for me. I have left my husband due to emotional abuse and very heavily suspected infidelity. He admitted to an emotional affair but I think there was more, and he continually visited the city where the woman lived. He took pleasure trips with his friends and said they were business trips, he was physically and emotionally abusive, but I was supposed to stay married to him?!

    Divorce can’t weaken my faith any more than my marriage could. I cried out to God to save my marriage, I tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING. At the end, I left. He humiliated and shamed me in our home in front of a friend -I couldn’t take it anymore. I am confused about so much -the marriage vows recited at weddings are NOT in the Bible, as far as I’ve seen. When we say “What God has put together, let no man separate,” how do we know God has put couples together?

    I don’t think God approved of my marriage to my husband. I am so tired of praying and waiting. I feel like I took control of my own fate and left. Had I waited on the Lord, I probably would’ve either gone crazy or taken my own life. This may sound harsh and if anyone responds, I hope it isn’t the holy-rolling, cliche throwing type. I need honesty and understanding.

    1. (USA) I agree here “Amen.” I like when you say “divorce cannot weaken my faith anymore than my marriage did. That is the truth.

      Abused in every way possible and I’ve held on for nearly 24 years. Excruciating and his infidelity is not “again” but never ending. It’s been in his heart and mind to do since the beginning because of his low self-esteem. Always is their low self-esteem and selfishness.

      I had not “enjoyed” sex for 9 years and 2 months but still tried to submit. 5 years of him on the couch, private e-mails and no ring as he was friends with someone from work who came after him for money and says so. And he had the audacity to say he hadn’t had sex for 10 months. Hard to do from the couch and I had even gone to the couch crying begging him and to come back to our marital bed! Humiliating myself. Talk about justified in having an affair? I endured it all but still, faithful. Just a word of kindness…

      All I can say is Satan is a liar and destroyer of families and God’s judgement is fair. Hang on, we are in the end times.

    2. (USA) THANK YOU! I have been married to a preacher for 20 years. In addition to the “sainthood” they are awarded for being God’s spokesman, mine also had a mother who believed he was the most wonderful man in the world. Add into the mix that he came from a long line of preachers and his last name is well known within our denomination and you have a recipe for disaster.

      “Bobby” is known by all as the most loving, kind, tender hearted and pure man anyone could ever know. But Bobby has an issue… he is a sex addict. And after we married he believed that my sole job was to satisfy his every disturbing and perverse sexual request in order to keep him from sin. I was sent to therapists to identify my “sexual dysfunction” when I would cry and beg him to not be mad at me for not wanting to do certain things. He also corrected me by saying that God was not pleased with me for not submitting to him and if I was a truly Godly wife I would do whatever he requested.

      Then came the verbal abuse. Yelling how God had forgiven his sins but God would deal with mine on judgement day. Every house chore, meal cooked, laundry cleaned, sock folded was criticized and corrected and if I acted irritated he would verbally remind me of my place. Then, the lying began. He would talk with my friends behind my back “seeking” their wisdom for how to deal with me. He made contacts with my counselor, my doctors, my own family. Years later my father would tearfully confess to me that Bobby had convinced him that I was the problem all along, secretly campaigning his desire to be a wonderful husband, even to a difficult wife. He even tried to develop relationships with my boss and coworkers in an attempt to charm them so if I dared to tattle they wouldn’t believe me.

      Then things started to get scary when I found out he’d been having internet sex for several years. I thought for sure this was God’s way of getting him help and saving our marriage. Finally! But alas I was in for the biggest betrayal of all. Bobby lied and said he only had some inappropriate conversations with some women he met in chatrooms. And then he went on to explain that it was my mental illness that had pushed him over into that sin. He began a campaign to convince the eldership of our church as well as my support system of friends and family that I was mentally ill and they all worked together the could get me the help I needed. He convinced our elders to help him fight for custody of our three children whom I had raised while he was out saving the world.

      So I had to make a choice. Stay married to a man who was aggressively campaigning to have me committed in order to save his own skin or divorce him. After 20 years of abuse I made my decision and with incredible support from friends and family, I filed for divorce. For taking a stand I have lost friends and my home church. But I now realize that sometimes God reaches down int the pit and pulls you out. Other times he drops the rope and expects you to pull yourself out.

      To the people who have commented, I agree with you that divorce is horrible. It is heartwrenching, it hurts the children, it hurts everyone. But I think the bigger issue is whether the church is as intent on addressing abusive church leaders as they are the wives who file for divorce. There are biblical divorces. Sorry, there are. Jesus gave conditions where these divorces were appropriate. And he gave them for a reason. I believe the reason is to save the other spouse from abuse and disrespect that God never intended for us to live with. Yes, many horrific marriages have been healed by the hand of God. But those individuals need to acknowledge that many abused women have also been healed by the hand of God by removing them from their marriages. Lets put our effort into addressing the cause of the divorce rather than divorce itself. That’s how marriages can be saved.

      1. How sad if he was looking at porn. That’s adultery, which qualifies for divorce. There is so much porn everywhere, even in church women dress seductively. It is a big problem as porn is pure lust, fueled by Satan. As men yeild to it, it gets worse. He can’t be a leader now because a leader can only be married to one wife not divorced.
        But I don’t want to take sides as I know there are two sides to every story. But GOD’S love for his bride (as depicted)in Hosea is unbelievable- He brought her back from a pimp! 1 Corinthians chapter 7 says those who marry will have much trouble. It is hard. If he had unnatural sexual desires, that could come from childhood, not being loved by a Dad. Marriage is life layed down and is big commitment.
        Female seduction is a big deception as well. Tactics women use to get men purely from lust isn’t Biblical and it goes on in church with devastating results. Shakespeare said this of lust: “It’s a false heaven that leads men to hell.” Proverbs chap7 Any christian that hasn’t spent time in and studying the Word of GOD is in for trouble. And to lose focus of the cross is fatal.

    3. Dee, I can give you the fact that you are not alone. It will be almost 2 yrs. Now since I did my husband’s laundry and I still ask God when will my tears and awful pain in my heart and whole being go away. I am still the wife to a man that has told me Point Blank he never Loved me. I went completely numb. I will never forget as I asked, “But you said it in Church, Vowed to God in YOUR church, had me convert to your religion, in front of a whole congregation of people, how can you say that?” He told me with a laugh, “I was ACTING!” Just like that. In a tone that was no other than, ‘You couldn’t tell?’

      I was just completely at a loss for words. I mean I FROZE IN TIME. This wasn’t happening. Yes, I knew he was mean tempered; he had a bad childhood. He had given me a very sad, long, heart wrenching tale of his Mother’s remarriage and the Stepfather’s constant beatings. Then his wife cheated on him and wouldn’t let him see his child. He was so sincere and broken hearted.

      We were friends for over a year and he was so much in my life that I didn’t think it odd, but I should have. He got angry. I was going to a dinner party to a married couple and he wasn’t invited. I told him we should see other people. I didn’t hear from him for a week and I got a call. He sounded frantic and said he needed to stop over. When he came over he was acting weird and kept fidgeting in his pocket. I sort of felt sick becuz I suspected what was up. Yes, we ended up married. It was wonderful at first. He showed me off like he just struck Gold. He made me feel so adored and cherished.

      It lasted a whole 2 month’s and then you can basically slide in your STORY. I felt like you were me. Just like I wrote your msg. Except after he cheated and was packing his stuff like no big deal the first time, I broke down and cried so hard I got very ill. I was in to have a surgery for something else and during the pre-op they said the doc cancelled and was refusing me his services, to find someone else.

      My EkG’s (and I knew something was up because they changed machines 2x and did four tests) told me I had very recently suffered a stroke or heart attack. I said ” Huh?” Soon after, I really did have a TIA. He started being gone more after that, more porn. He would call every hour but if I called him he never answered. He started smelling like booze. It got worse. And there is worse, but I can’t put that on here.

      So then he takes off after selling our house and leaves me living in my car in a Winn Dixie. I find out he was fired from his good job for drugs. I didn’t even know he did them? It explains why he didn’t want us going to church anymore. The Pastor had mentioned he was concerned about something. My husband claimed he had been rude to him when he tried to ask for personal help. I thought it was for his anger perhaps or us. As I don’t do whatever he was doing I wouldn’t know how to tell. I thought he was drunk.

      All I know is he was mean, always told me to shut up. Everything was my fault and I didn’t fulfill his needs. Of Course Not! He was never around. So now the IRS wants to LEVY my disability, which I didn’t know they could do, but yes. I tried to divorce him but can’t get legal aide thru the county, State, court or public asst. unless I straight out divorce him and give up all rights to support. Yet I am still liable for half of all debts incurred and he unknowingly racked up A LOT, including a NEW car for another female. She smashed it already but loans still due. Yay!

      So I’d have to sue him since he took off. The Sheriff won’t serve him because the State won’t process his address since it is a large business corporation plaza place. It needs to be a residence. So Criminal Investigations has told me, also my docs. So why don’t YOU leave? And one told me to get a concealed weapon permit since he is threatening me. But no I can’t kill anybody. Guess they can just shoot me because I tried everything.

      I haven’t lost my faith in GOD but I certainly lost my faith in the Churches and understand why people stop going. All I needed was to get Some Pro Bono Legal Help because over 800 amo. dsblty is over limit so I don’t qualify, was to get a letter from the Church that married us, or from a clergy saying our marriage is irretrievably broken and in best interest to my health, and being, it be ended. But Nooo. They say if he won’t do counseling or talk to them, they won’t do it. I still went there without him and cried and prayed for us.

      A lot of good it did. He traded me for a Minor. Good for him. Hope he is happy. If GOD thinks I am forgiving that, then I think he will still let me get a Divorce if I do. Because I know he wouldn’t want me to defile my body after he has been with that. I saw her Mugshot. No Thank You. Congratulations to them; they make a Lovely Pair. I just can’t believe people are that hateful. I could never do that to anyone. It’s not even acting. I don’t know what that is. But I really am now looking at EVERYONE Different. I don’t like it that he made me look at people a whole different way. I always only saw the Good. Now I’m thinking, “Please, don’t be another crazy! I can’t take another one!” Just pray this grieving ends soon.

      Dee, I think we are just sad because we both lost our loves. And we are both believers in GOD, Who is 💘 and just maybe we Get sad at funerals. But these were 2 that we can be ok with now. We can start fresh and be born again. So what if we are older. I’d rather have the wrinkles, then go thru THAT AGAIN! I’ll keep you in my prayers Dee! Every butterfly I see, I will think of you out there somewhere and know your new life is happier! GOD BLESS!

  6. (USA) My wife filed for divorce today, it isn’t my choice. She isn’t open to anything. I have been praying for help in my marriage. But when it’s done she wants me to stay in the same house with her and our two girls. I Love my wife and girls. So what do I do?

  7. Divorce is bad. Period. I did not have any other choice when my husband of over 20 years abondened my son and I for a young co worker. I tried to save my marriage with counseling. But he still wanted the young woman. I filed for divorce. Yes , it was a heart breaking decision to make. Today, 3 years later I have recovered and I have peace and happiness. Being single is ok because evil is gone out of my life. I do not deserve my spouse to lie and cheat on me. I am free now but I feel the pain it caused. Especially to the child. When someone cheats on you it’s disrespect and abuse. I know God had a great plan for me. I left it all up to God. And with Gods help and my awesome attorney I am at peace now.

  8. Hi. I’ve been married for 7 years, we’ve been through lots with my husband and practically we started from zero everything. He recently got a new job, got promoted to a manager position and he started changing. The way he was looking up at himself, to be in shape all the time like if he were still in his 30’s, anyway he also started threatening me bad, verbally especially, telling me how fat and disgusting I was; he never said something like that to me before and I suspicious of an infidelity.

    I was soo correct, he was cheating on me with a girl from his work, and all the time he denied it. I begged him to do marriage counseling and everything to save our marriage, but he was, yes we are gonna be doing but he never moved a finger for that. I waited patiently for him and his verbal abuse for 3 months, the situation never changed and then moved out and filed for the divorce. He tried to trick me again with “fixing us”, but it was only to save him from paying alimony or going through divorce again, because when we got married he was already divorced.

    Until one night I found him with the girl. I confronted him but he still denied it. I got soo mad and depressed because I wanted to believe him, but that was a lie. He said many times he was sorry and cried over the phone and said that he really wanted to try, BUT his actions say something different. I got angry, depressed and a lot of feelings that I surrendered to God for comfort and guidance. Therefore, I still feel I have to go through more, all I ask is for counsel and a little bit of guidance in my situation. Thank you.

  9. I found out almost 2 years later that my husband divorced me and married the woman he left me for. I am devastated and I am afraid to tell the kids. When he left one child was suicidal and another turned to drugs, promiscuity, and stopped attending church. 4 years later for them to learn this it’s going to bowled them for six.

  10. We want to help you understand your husband better and show some ways you can encourage him to listen to your hurts and anger. We want to help you understand more about yourself as well—why you may have started ‘keeping score’ and how you have built a wall around your heart. We’ll talk about realistic and unrealistic expectations and the dangers of creating a new fantasy with someone else. We’ll also give you strategies for taking care of yourself, and getting connected again with your husband. There is also help for resolving conflict, dealing with anger and loss, remembering the good times, and pressing closer to the Lord.”

    My ex-wife was the culprit and the one guilty of all of this. She didn’t bother, didn’t want to be bothered, didn’t want to make it work, didn’t try to make it work was self-centered, selfish only thought about herself. She literally destroyed my life, hurt beyond human comprehension, didn’t care that she hurt me, made it all about herself, it was as if she was incapable of seeing that she was the culprit and not me.

    The devil/flesh had her right where they wanted her. She then preceded to lie to the pastor of our church 4 or 5 lies…said I didn’t like the church, said she felt uncomfortable, said I had ulterior motives…of course when you are dealing with a narcissistic person this is what they are going to say. Thing is said to this day. I don’t know why she wanted to be in a relationship/marriage. She had been in 1 marriage and 4 relationships and they all failed. So I really wonder who the stupid one is here… LOL.

    1. The thought keeps coming to mind as I read the comments you have left under other articles that hurt people hurt people. As a matter of fact, that is the title of a book that you may want to read. Here is the link to it: Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself and Your Relationships. I don’t know for sure if this is the case with your wife or not because I don’t know her or you. But it’s a possibility. Other books come to mind too. But in your circumstance, I would recommend that one first.

      Here’s something else that’s posted on our web site that you may want to go through: https://marriagemissions.com/married-narcissist-jimmy-evans/. Prayerfully watch and read through it. I’m just not sure if that pertains or not. Pray about it. Above all, prayerfully consider the fact that she may be hurt from her past, and now she is living a life where she hurts others–whether she means to or not.

      Whatever it is… you need to NOT get caught up in the shrapnel she is projecting as she explodes in her unhealthy lifestyle. If she wants help, that’s one thing. But if she doesn’t recognize her unhealthy life pattern, you will just get caught up in the whirlwind of it all. Pray for her; pray for you, and ask God to show you how to put one foot in front of the other to walk towards healing and wholeness. If she is to join you on this journey, God will show you. But if not, then you are to walk it without her, at the very least, at this point. I pray strength for you as you do.