So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(CANADA) How do you dress around other male eyes? Do other men hit on you? Are you austere towards other males or not? Such stresses kill a lover’s heart and thus deprive him of all sexual peace needed to nonhypocritically connect physically.
(INDIA) You are totaly right because sex is very important in life. Your husband is also interested, but he is worried about the future. That’s why he has always refused to have sex. You’ll have to help him by showing something sexy in you, which he recognizes, and then he’ll definitely come closer to you.
You should also try to remove his fear about the future and also try to help him because he’s worried about the future ruining your present. Please let me know if this works or not, and maybe we can think of something else.
(UNITED STATES) I am sixty six and have had no sex with my wife for approximately 22 years. We are people of faith, have been to therapists, but my wife is avoidant. I mean not only no intercourse, but also no foreplay, not even erotic kissing. Yet she is pleasant, cheerful, a good wife in every way . . . but avoidant. Now I am suffering from Erectile Dysfunction, I feel irreparable loss (and I cannot get back what I lost), and I cannot begin to say how this loss has disrupted by well-being all these years.
So, regardless of Bible verses, and pastoral wisdom, and everything else you might say, sometimes there is no happy ending. And I expect to go to the end of my days second guessing myself as to whether I have been a fool, and how much of a fool I have been for not finding other regular outlets for my passions. This is a dialogue I have with myself every single day. I feel castrated. Wouldn’t you?
Please don’t tell me to talk it over with my wife. That has never helped, and only makes the pain more acute.
(USA) I’m not sure if there is lack of romance in general or just in the bedroom. Unfortunately you may have to try and take the reigns and woo her to get her to remember and notice you and who she fell in love with. You need to catch her off guard. Compliment her often if you don’t do so already. Take her out on a dinner date (or make her dinner). It’s not as expensive and is more sentimental, and go for a walk after. When walking take hold of her hand. Rub your thumb on her hand letting her know you’re still there and look at her with a smile. This makes her all gooey inside because it’s a really sweet gesture. This will slowly build her up.
Then what you could do next is when there is a silent moment say her name, when she looks at you take the hand you’re not holding and place it on her face looking in her eyes and just kiss her. Start with a peck on her cheek and then a few more slowly making it to her lips. The anticipation will kill her! Then nibble a little on her bottom lip. The whole point of this exercise is to lead up to her kissing you with your tongue. If she shoots you down and pulls away, tell her to wait and that you miss this and that you miss her. She may say, what is there to miss she is always with you. That is when you need to tell her that yes, in the physical sense. But go on to tell her that you want her (look straight in her eyes and try not to let her look away).
At this point it will get real. Either she’ll get upset that you’ve got her this vunerable trying to open her up or she may go with it. Tell her you love her so much but miss her touch and of you touching her.That there is no one else for you but that you desire her still to this day but don’t feel like she desires you. If she asks if it all boils down to sex, tell her yes and no. Yes, because you miss her and the feel of her and the warmth next to you in bed. No, because you just want the woman you fell in love with. You miss how things used to be and who says it can’t still be like that.
Both you and her have to work at this not just her, being that it takes two to make a healthy marriage. If she says she’ll work with you on meeting these needs then you must be patient with her or she’ll no longer want to do it. Other ways of getting her to notice is while she is cooking just walk up behind her and give her a hug and kiss her neck. If she asks what was that for, just say, what I can’t hug and kiss the woman I love? Tell her you miss this, meaning her touch. If she turns around to face you with a smile then kiss her how I told you to previously working your way from her cheek to her lips.
Also even though women don’t come out and say it they like a man to take the reigns and be a little aggressive. Although don’t start out that way when kissing, do that very slow. Eventually you can bring in the passion and be more aggressive with the kissing. First things first. She needs to know you are still there and crave her. When she realizes that then you’ll turn her on like a flashlight. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy but at least try a couple of times. As well remember to always communicate and know when the right time is to do so. I hope this helps you as well as others. Everything I’ve said has always worked on me. My husband can be quite the charmer =o) Good Luck!!!
Almost forgot, remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!
(USA) Remember I don’t want to offend anyone on this site in anyway with what I’ve written. Also if you want I also posted earlier today my past marriage experiences with my husband on this site which may help.
(CANADA) I am 29 yrs old and my husband is 28. We are married a year now and were in a relationship for 8 years before the wedding. But I realize now that marriage is the real eye opener. Our case is a lil weird.. We were the best of friends and then passionate lovers,and were known as the fighting couple. But everything other than the constant clashes of our thoughts, we were having a good life.
I wouldn’t say I was always satisfied with the sex, but I used to let him know what’s wrong. Soon I thought I was making him self-conscious, so I stopped telling him… but all of it was fine. We got married. Things were good. But soon after a few days of marriage his sex drive went low and he liked staying out late with friends. 2 months after the wedding we moved to a different country.
Everything is different here. We bought a house and he got a job which makes him travel a lot. He is only home on the weekends… but he is not happy with the life here. He wants to move back, so much so that he has become a nagger. He keeps nagging all day long… which makes me annoyed.
He tells me I am like a stone who doesn’t care anymore… and his way of punishing me is to not have sex with me on purpose, not sleeping with me in the same bed and not calling me when he is away –not even having a good conversation with me when he is home. It kills me when I see him laughing and chit chatting when other people are around. As soon as he would be left with me alone for 5 minutes it feels like he has lost all the liveliness that he has ever had.
Every time I would like to discuss a matter it ends up with his saying how big a mistake it was that he got married to me… or that he just didnt want me to lose face in front of our friends and that is the only reason that he got married to me.
I am so annoyed with my life that I drink each night to sleep and have gained over 40 punds in the last 6 months. I feel real bad about my body but I can’t help it. If I don’t drink, I feel even worse. It has been more than 6-7 months since he has initiated sex and 3 months since he has rejected my initiation, even when I can feel that he’s aroused.
I feel ugly from inside and out… I know you would call this abusive relation. I have had it… I need help. I can’t live in a sexless, emotionless, alone life anymore, and my ethics and upbringing do not allow me to divorce.
(AUSTRALIA) I love her but I am not happy!! I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I’ll just work more and exercise every time I can… :0(
If I’m lucky, we get 15 minutes sex session every two weeks. It’s so boring that I don’t know whats worst, little and boring or nothing, avoid mediocre sex is my latest option… and I am equally miserable.
The only change is that we are talking less and less. :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0( :0(
(US) Married 43 yrs. My wife came from a home where her father cheated, and was violent. I came from a home where my parents had sex every night, and always were affectionate towards each other. We get married, go on the honeymoon and she turns off and no sex for the Honeymoon. The rest of our married life was pretty much the same. We’re retired now and no sex for the last 5 yrs. I tend to shut my mouth and let it go, which is not good because you just sweep it under the rug only to come back up later.
She will not go to therapy as I’ve gotten appointments and she refuses. The last big fight we had on this she said just come back in bed (I have been staying in the extra bedroom) and I’ll do what ever you want. At that I said, “here’s what we’ll do… no sexual contact, just holding etc. every night. She comes to bed and I do the holding, scratching etc. She’s not applying herself to help the problem. She has a mental issues. I’m not sure what will work. I pray God will help me with an answer.
(USA) George, I pray for you also. Remember, the best way to respond to things that hurt us is to do that which is most difficult and be vulnerable. Opening our hearts, telling the person that we love them, telling them what we want, not getting upset, just being honest, is the best way. Best of luck.
(US) This is all about unhappy women with few exceptions, like every other internet site and complaining TV show. I’m a man, 48, a good father and husband. I stay in shape. After 20 years of marriage, and about 10 years of sex 2-8 times per year, I’m tired of trying to play romance.
My wife (who doesn’t work) always has an excuse. The kids are awake. The kids are asleep. We have to go somewhere. It’s late. It’s early.
It’s crap. If I made enough money, I’d divorce her this minute. When I get a new job, I probably will. That will hurt a lot, because I love her, but she doesn’t love me, obviously. Marriage is just business for women.
(AMERICA) Hi, My Husband and I have been married for 9 yrs. We make wonderful love (sex). But if we don’t do it except once a week, he’s on my case saying, this is why men cheat; your sex drive sucks and he really makes me feel bad… I mean coming once or twice a week when I don’t want to have sex, is that bad??? Who’s in the wrong? What do you think???
(USA) If you are suggesting that it’s wrong want to have sex with your spouse more than once or twice, then I’d say you are wrong on that front. However, his approach in expressing his disappointment is not going to get him very far.
It’s my belief that there is no such thing as too much sex between a husband and wife. However, there can be too little. So if he’s saying there isn’t enough, then accept that and use it as a means to get closer to your husband.
If you are telling him he wants it too much, it’s likely he’s just as hurt to hear those words from you as it is for you to hear the words he uses to express his disappointment. Since you are here, you are the one who gets the advice to follow. What are you doing to find a way to enjoy and provide as much sex as your husband wants?
(USA) Sonia, I’ve been somewhat where you’ve been. I actually just posted my story today. Anyway and I don’t mean to offend anyone and hopefully you’re not embarrassed but… have you ever climaxed? Like I said I don’t mean to offend in any way. Reason for asking is once a woman receives her climax she tends to crave sex more and more. I can’t normally climax during sex at least the screaming climax, unless it’s with the help of a vibrator which has become a friend in the bedroom with me and my husband.
Do you think it could be your libido is the reason why you don’t want to have sex as much? I do think your husband may have jumped the gun a little with once a week because that still isn’t fairly bad as opposed to some married couples going a month without having sex. I think once you get your release in the bedroom more, you’ll enjoy the bedroom activities. Plus there is always ways to spice things up for you and him. Also another thing to help in the bedroom not sure if you do or not, is talking dirty. In all honesty I’ve come a long way with that. I’m still not as outspoken as my husband would like and sometimes have to tell him “look sweetie can we just be quiet and enjoy the moment. I’ll let you know things when I really want to say it but am not going to say it just because lol because it just seems a little silly.”
Also, not sure if your husband knows this or not but with women we can be turned on and off like a light switch. He needs to understand that he may need to not romance you per say but flirt with you here and there during the day and you with him that way by the time the day ends you’re both sexually frustrated and will be in the mood to have sex. Remember I used to be where you are. I used to think, will he stop baggering me for sex already! He practically wants it every day and I just can’t do that. Will he just ever be satisfied to where he won’t ask for it?
Well, after what I went through with my husband, I am pleased to say he finally is and he doesn’t get it every day. Two to three times a week is sufficient and then if you’re feeling really frisky in those days make it more than one session. Work them to the bone that way lol you have your break and you aren’t bugged by their nagging lol. Trust me, if you work at these things it will get better but you must first try. Good Luck!
(USA) I’m having same problems but want my marriage and everything it has to offer. I recommend the 40 day The Love Dare
book to anyone before making an irrational decision. That’s what I’m doing and it’s already giving me hope.
(USA) I hope it works better for you than it did for me.
(USA) Thank you… What did it do for you and your spouse?
(USA) She kept on having her affair and got the divorce she wanted.
(UNITED STATES) I am in my second marriage. My first was a complete disaster. We thought we were in love or was it just me? We were together for 5 years before we decided to tie the knot. We didn’t have intercourse until we were married. I mean we did other things, but I think I should have noticed the signs then. She wanted to wait to have intercourse when we got married. I didn’t mind.
Well, when we got married she insisted we use condoms any time we did do it. She couldn’t use the pill because she was prone to blood clots in her legs. I found out later why she insisted on condoms. She wanted nothing to do with children. Well, as time went on she became more distant. After three years we ended our marriage. I had no choice. I found out she was fooling around with someone else. This someone was a friend of mine and he was married and had a vasectomy a couple years earlier. She wasn’t using condoms with him. She would have sex with him and have sex with me so I wouldn’t find out. Well, lets put it this way, I found out one night because she forgot to do something before we had sex. I’ll let you figure what that was.
My current marriage is like heaven. We have sex 2-3 times a week and sometimes more. I am now 56 and my wife is 48. I thought I would never meet a woman that had the same drive as me. We never say no.
(USA) For all of the women that talk about wooing them again or getting them in the mood for several hours, days etc, as a lead up to being able to have sex with your own wife, this is hilarious.
These are the same type women who always end up divorced. Why don’t the women have to woo the man for days at a time or for hours before having sex and get him in the mood to go through with it?
People need to understand that when you get married you know how sex was and you know what you’re getting into. So if you marry someone who always enjoyed a lot of sex then expect that not to change.
Also you’re two different people so one may want sex and the other might not be in the mood… at that moment the one not in the mood simply needs to ask themselves hmmm… what if I was in the mood and he/she wasn’t… wouldn’t I want them to have sex with me? Quit with all the preconceived notions and tv stereotypes; just be real.
John, I’m going to reply to your post here using your last three words – “just be real.” I’ve been married nearly 40 years, and like you, early on in our marriage I would have thought what you were saying made sense. But what I’ve learned is that while I could GET sex from Cindy if I needed it, the act of sex was all about ME and had nothing to do with what her needs were. That’s not “making love.” Fortunately, over the years I did “get real” and discovered that my sexual fulfillment increased a hundred-fold when I began to “romance” Cindy the way she wanted and needed it.
Men often think foreplay is the first 5 minutes in the bedroom with their wives before they get to the actual “reason” they’re there. Not true. Foreplay is a series of things/acts you do throughout the day to show your wife how much you love her, are thinking about her, and CARE about her needs. It’s the call from work just to say, “I love you.” It’s the act of helping her by cleaning up the dinner mess so she can just go sit and relax. It can be vacuuming the house, washing her car (without being asked), finishing leftovers (I know, this sounds weird but Cindy actually told me last night that one of the ways I could get her “in the mood” was to finish the leftovers in the fridge. Guess what I did?).
My point is, John, you need to “get real” if you ever want to have a really fulfilling sex life with your wife. It took me years to figure this out and I’m still learning and applying what I learn.
One of THE best tools I’ve ever seen that can help couples understand the dynamics of the way husbands and wives view sex and what it takes to make it GREAT in their marriage is the teaching by Mark Gungor called, “The Tale of Two Brains” Tale of Two Brains – DVD
which comes from his marriage seminar, “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage – DVD
. You can purchase one or the other (or both) through the link I’m providing. It will be one of the best investments you’ve ever made. I would also suggest you go back to our web site and go into the Romantic Ideas section where you’ll find a lot of creative ideas on how to MAKE LOVE and not just have sex.
John, I know you’re an intelligent man from the way you articulated your points; and most intelligent men are open to new ideas on how to improve their lives –especially when it comes to sex. So I hope you’ll re-think your position and begin to explore what God’s design for love making really is: Husbands and wives putting the needs of their spouse ahead of their own (self-sacrificing like Jesus).
You can say, “Nope, not me. It’s too much work.” Well then, all I can say is, good luck with that! It may work with some women, but not many. If you want true intimacy, as well as great sex, then you’ll keep gender differences in mind on these matters.
(S.AFRICA) John, As a woman we need to know that we are not just OBJECTS of sex. We need to feel loved and cherished so that we can respond to “making love” and feel fullfilled and not just used. Thanks Steve, for your understanding – now there is a REAL man.
(USA) I’ve been with my husband for 10 years married for 8 years. I was the wife who never had the desire to have sex, never greeted with a kiss every night before bed, morning before work or afternoon when coming home. He would need to remind me of it. It didn’t help that my family growing up was not affectionate.
When my husband and I started dating things changed and I learned about affection… that is until I became pregnant. Sex had always felt like a chore, one more thing to check off my list of things to do once I got home from work. Two years after being together I became pregnant. Since the birth of my first daughter seven years ago, I just hadn’t been craving sex and chalked it up to doing so much around the house with the new baby. My husband and I would have sex if lucky once a week but sometimes it would stretch to once every two to three weeks and I wouldn’t care. I would think my husband was a sex fiend. I always felt like he was baggering me and then we would both get aggravated with each other.
Everything came to a head three years ago when we had an argument because yet again, he asked me if we were going to play after going out for dinner and a movie. I don’t know. I just snapped and argued about how he wanted sex so much and I’m not like that and that maybe he should go somewhere else then. We didn’t really talk for two weeks. He was on the verge of moving out. Don’t get me wrong, we loved each other. That wasn’t the problem it was the desire. Through those first 6 years of marriage we’d go back and forth between arguments on how I never wanted it and how I just would rather him go watch a porn video.
After those two weeks we had time to think and in the end talked everything through. Those two weeks taught me that yes, I love him but did I desire him? I did desire him and I worked hard after that blow up to show it. I still faltered though here and there. I never told him again to go watch porn though because I wasn’t feeling it. I did tell him though that sometimes I would do it for him more so than for me, which he didn’t like but it was true for me. We talked about seeking marriage counseling if we got to that point of another argument. We tried to fight so hard for our relationship so it wouldn’t get to that point again.
A year later we found out we were pregnant. After I gave birth to my second daughter I noticed I had desire. My husband and I would have it sometimes two sessions at a time two to three times a week lol which he is loving now. We were both like wow, we owe our youngest daughter so much because it was due to the hormone changes from the pregnancy. At least that is what we thought.
Three months after the baby was born I was looking into a birth control contraceptive called Mirena. I used to take the pill, Ortho-tricycln lo, after the birth of my first daughter. I did my research on the internet and found the culprit to my almost divorce! I was livid. The pill was destroying my libido!!! I found the Mirena which is an IUD had basically no hormonal affect on the body. I can now say I have an extremely healthy sex life with my wonderful and patient husband.
Still thinking back at those 7 years I get so mad! I knew it had to be hormonal but didn’t think it could be the contraceptive. So who do you think is watching the porn now? Haha! What is really crazy is now we have all of our friends in the same boat as us a few years ago except with them it’s their husbands who lack the desire. I try to give them my point of view and how maybe their spouses need to be evaluated by a Dr. just to make sure there isn’t anything wrong. At least then you’d know if you need to move further and seek counseling. Also it did help learning the difference between love and desire.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Sex is a very sensitive topic but an important building block of marriage. Communication is the only solution on this issue. Spouses need to put aside their pride and discuss their need for sex. Being friends with your spouse makes it a lot easier to say what you need in your marriage. Sexless marriages makes one grumpy and resentful of the other spouse.
I know this because I was once deprived of intimacy for almost a month because my husband was always worried about our financial situation at the time. We argued a lot about everything and eventually realized that we urgently needed to talk to save our marriage. By God’s grace we are now able to discuss anything, no matter how hurtful it might sound to the other party without being offended, especially sex. Going out on dates regularly also revives the relationship and encourages the need to want to have sex with your spouse.
(UK) Your husband is crazy not to be with you as often as you are reasonably expecting him to. Ask him to have a small interest in your needs and you will have an even greater interest in his. He may just need a little blue pill after all. Try it!