So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(USA) I see all these questions about sex with husbands but what is normal for just a non married couple who has been together for three years now?. We used to have sex once sometimes twice a day, when we first met for about the first year it was this way. Now all the sudden about a year ago things just changed and he has all kinds of reasons to not want to have sex, like he is tired from working, or he is not in the mood as much as he used to be. Maybe it has something to do with his age. He is 26 and I’m 29 going to be 30 this year; he will be 27 soon.
I could maybe understand this if it was not for the fact he I catch him masturbating in the shower just about every other day and he will still try and get me to give him oral at least three to four times a week, maybe more. But yet he only wants to have sex every other week for the most part… does this make sense? He has to have a sex drive to be wanting oral and masturbating every other day right? It makes me feel something may be wrong with me or something, and it is really starting to make me upset even angry, very angry.
(USA) I used to cry a lot. But this year, I made myself stop.
(USA) I have a sexless marriage for over six years now. We still live in the same house, but what does a Christian man do? You stay true to your vows. At least, that is what I am doing. Thank You Jesus for my wife and for my life! We’ve been married 26 years and going. God is good!
(USA) Michael, I feel for you. That’s a tough one. But I’m proud of you for guarding your heart and living by the vows you gave. I pray your wife eventually understand that for a man, making love to his wife is not only a physical connection, but an intimate, emotional connection.
There is an article that my wife found (in her readings on the Internet) that we both recommend you, possibly your wife (although we recommend you pray about it first), and everyone who is struggling with this issue would read. It’s found at: http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2011/07/16/control-and-sex/. We believe it holds a lot of truth. I hope the best for you Michael, and others who are in this position.
(USA) I’ve read a lot of the posts here. I am 31 and female. My husband is 28. We have 4 kids, 5 and under. We have been married for almost 7 years. My husband has always had a higher sex drive than me. We average about 3 x a week. He said he would have sex everyday if he could. We’ve had our fights and problems with sex. I would love to have his sex drive.
It seems to me that the spouse with the lower sex drive should stop being selfish and try to make more of an effort. I do because I love my husband and making him happy is more important to me than being put out at having to perform. He does his part in trying to make me more interested so I do my part.
Marriage is about comunication, love, and compromise. Regardless if you are the high sex drive spouse or the low, each individual must put their own wishes aside for the other. Each must make an effort to meet the others need. If your spouse is demonizing you for your low or high sex drive they are not acting in love and you have bigger issues than just sex.
(WEST SIDE) We have been together 15 years. For the last 11 years once a year is about average. Think we went 2 years. My drive could easily manage twice a day. I have not cheated. In loneliness I fell for someone and told her before I lost my mind. This has not helped. She considers porn cheating. She considers fantasizing while masturbating cheating. If I didn’t have a creative outlet I think I would implode.
I have tried all tactics, I pay attention to her, I compliment her, I try to suprise her. I stroke her to sleep most nights, I massage her, I cook, I put no preasure on, I look after my appearance. I still live in hope that the intense fire that used to burn in her for us may roar again.
(USA) The thing that bothers me with this issue is how when wives are being deprived physically, they automatically fascinate over a dreadful future and how they want to end the relationship. But as men in the 21st century, when we are deprived physically, we are told to suck it up and deal with it. Can anyone please explain to me honestly why that is. Has popular culture overtaken our faith in God and his principles? Where did men and women go wrong on this very simple issue of relating to each other? When did we stop obeying God’s commandment to love each other unconditionally and live to please each other above ourselves? Come on brothers and sisters, we need to right this ship fast. A generation of people are dependant on us to teach them Godly love.
(USA) My wife told me that she has a low sex drive, but she says it’s because of her own self-perception. I’m 33, shes 30 and we have 2 wonderful girls (15 mos and 6).
I do all the housework, I cook at times, pick up the girls from school, feed them and get them ready for bed in order to make her life less demanding. But no matter what I do, sex is non-existent. Once I feel the lack of interest or a hesitancy on her part I don’t pursue her any further. She’s mentioned to me that she doesn’t need sex all the time, which I’m glad she told me that. But the thing I fear the most is shutting myself down to her.
As a man, I feel the closeness and intimacy through lovemaking, just as she feels the intimacy through passionate hugs, kisses and touch. I’ve read where wives have said that they were once the wife who didn’t want sex, but as they got older they have changed, and now the roles have reversed. I don’t want to be in a situation where she now desires me, and I’ve grown content with the sexless relationship.
These are the days of our youth and we should be taking advantage of the energy and health that we have now because we are aging everyday, and the time will come when this won’t be possible anymore for some. I pray that the Lord intervenes. He knows my heart and that I don’t want to do anything to jeapordize my relationship with him. But it is hard!!! And it’s especially hard when you have a drop dead gorgeous wife, who doesn’t see herself as that!
(CANADA) I have spent the last 5 years of my marriage trying to bring love and romance back into our lives. I have been with my husband 25 years will be 14 years being married.
Literally we have not had sex at all in those 5 years. I have been fully dedicated to him and our marriage. Where do I draw the line? I feel it’s all my fault. I hate myself for feeling like ending our marriage…
(USA) Well, I’m 20 and been married two years, and my husband seems to rarely want sex! I’m in shape and I get compliments and stares everywhere. When we met we had sex all the time but now it’s once every two or three weeks and usually because I initiate!
(INDIA) I am 25 and my husband is 26 and we got married 4 months back. From the beginning we were having average sex. I heard people have sex twice or thrice at the initial days… but we had alternate days. For the first month and now, it’s hardly once a week. I don’t say that I feel the need very much, but I expect some sex at least in the beginning.
I look beautiful and he is also handsome. He always says he loves me a lot but he doesn’t show much interest in having sex and I am really frustrated. He had sex with so many gals before marriage but I was a virgin at that time.
Before marriage, he said he expected his wife to want to make love a lot. So from the beginning I have been cooperating with him. Because he had sex so many times, he became very insensitive. Whenever I complain about it he asks me to do wild sex. I am a beginner; I am not completely into normal sex. How can he expect me to do wild sex???
Please, can anyone suggest to me how to control my sexual feelings? People here are unhappy for not having sex after 10 years of their married life, but in my case it’s only 4 months and we both are physically fit and we are not having sex.
(PHILLIPINES) Is there anybody here that can give me a piece of advice to be more understanding with my situation with my husband? I am 31 years old, my husband is 59. He has some health issues, a diabetic, has problems with his liver, which means he is taking medicine everyday.
I mentioned these things because it is what I told myself, just not to feel depressed. I told myself to be more understanding with him but still, there comes a time that I can’t understand. I felt very ugly and often have self pity. My friends don’t know about the problems I am facing. I never had the guts to share this with them. I am afraid to be laugh. Who would have thought a young wife is craving sex from her husband?
What I am able to hold onto in our marriage is that I am very sure he is not cheating on me, plus he is still the same person like before. He still gives me a kiss everyday, still tells me how he loves me, touches me, but it doesn’t lead to sex. I never initiate sex with him, afraid he will just reject me. I am not ugly, not fat, I don’t have body odor but it seems he doesn’t want to have sex with me. We still hold hands while watching tv and when we go out of the house. He dances with me sometimes without a music. Does he still love me because he still does those things with me or he is not more attracted to me? Or are his health problems the reason why he doesn’t desires sex anymore? I am lucky already if I have sex once every two weeks.
Please can anyone tell me what is the problem? We don’t have kids. He works on the computer here at home, so most of the day he is just at home. When he goes out I am always with him, so cheating for sure is not a reason. Could it be because he is 59 so he doesn’t want sex anymore?
Anyway, when we have sex it always satisfies me. But I want sex more than once every two weeks. I cannot tell him how depressed I am. He often tells me how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have me. I do all the housework washing, cleaning, cooking, gardening, ironing of clothes, and a lot, lot more.
Before I married him I would say there were men who want to have me. But I picked him because he is a sentimental man, very sweet, and he made me happy. I am Asian and he is European. He often told me how he likes my looks. But then why do we have sex only once every two weeks?
There are times he is lazy, just sleeping almost the whole day because at night he cannot sleep. I tried to understand that he is not healthy, so maybe it affects his sex drive. But what I will do? I love him so much. Is it possible that someone can love a person but is not thinking of having sex with that person? How could he tell me how beautiful I am yet our having sex is rare?
Often times I cry at night. I feel all this self pity. Last week we looked to see when it is the time for me to be fertile because we want to have a baby and this week is the time. It starts from Monday to Friday and today is already Wednesday, but still no sex. I told him several times, we will try it this week. I don’t want to beg and remind him about it but deep inside it hurts me so much to know that I am young, not ugly, yet my husband is not sexually attracted to me.
What is the best thing I should do? Does he love me? Or maybe he is not just attracted to me… or could it be because he is taking some medicines that it made him lack the desire to have sex? Sorry about my English by the way, and I hope I am understood.
(USA) Dear Sampaguita, My heart goes out to you. This is the tough stuff that often comes in marriage (different issues with different couples — yet it’s still tough). You marry believing your love will be able to carry you through all problems, yet eventually, the issues get to you.
I’m not sure that I can help you, but hopefully, I can give you a few insights. First off, the 28 year age gap between you and your husband is HUGE. You are in different decades in your emotional and physical make-up. But it is what it is and even though I would not have advised you to marry someone that much older than you, you ARE married, and you need to find ways to bridge your differences, since that is the reality of the situation. There are some people who are able to make their age gaps work, who are in your situation, I’m sure. But they are few and far between, I’m also sure.
First off, concerning his health issues, those in themselves can cause problems in the way he can perform sexually. Not only is it possible that his desire is down because his libido may be lower, because of his age, he may have problems getting erections as often as you’d like (or at all, eventually, because of his Diabetes). He could have a low testosterone problem on top of the other health problems, which he and you may not be aware of. This would drop his desire, all the more. (This can be dealt with medically, if it is a problem.)
You ask if “it could be because he is 59 so he doesn’t want sex anymore” and my answer is possibly. Many men (& women) as they grow older don’t want it as much — not all, but many. And then add onto that the physical problems your husband has and that could also play into the lack of desire. I don’t know what he would have been like as a younger man, but you can’t change his age, nor discredit it.
You could be the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world, but if he can’t physically do as much, THAT in itself could be slowing down your love life. He may not want to discuss this with you because of embarrassment. Please know that. It shouldn’t be, but it is possible. You need to reach within (hopefully, with God’s help as you call out to Him), to pull up all the maturity you can, to deal with the issues you’re facing.
I have no doubt he “likes” your looks, but he is at a slower, more settled time in his life. It’s not about you, but rather about the reality of life issues. Do what you can to try to respectfully make your needs known to your husband (and not just cry silently). He can’t read your mind (and often your emotions). Marriage demands that we do what we can to act as maturely as possible, and expecting your husband to understand or know your needs and understand your emotions, without explaining them to him, is asking too much. Do what you can to help him know what you need when you need it and see if you can find a way to build relationship bridges concerning those things that are causing division in your marriage.
From what I read in your comment, it seems like there are pockets of love, affection, and supportive behavior, concerning your husbands actions towards you. He actually sounds like a very nice husband who loves you very much. You just have to trust that when he tells you he loves you — that he means it… even if he doesn’t say it over and over again. He just doesn’t express it the way you think he should.
Do what you can to help him to help you sexually. You may need to be more of the initiator. You may not think that’s the way it should be, but again, it is what it is. It’s better to initiate than to suffer in silence (or to to have someone else who is friskier in that area, yet he is not as faithful or stable or loves you as much).
And if your husband can’t perform, then see if a doctor can help you with that. Again, this is all grow-up times. You sound like a very sweet woman… I hope you can do what you can to make the best of your marriage, even if it’s not all you had hoped. Focus on the good, lower your expectations, and as God to show you how to bridge the gaps you have that are dividing you and your husband. I pray the best for you.
(USA) Hi, I’ve been going to marriage counseling with my wife several, most of the time 3 or 4, times a week for half a year now. She will not have sex with me. Over the last 3 years we have had sex 4 times. I plead with her and sob. She says she just doesn’t understand and that until she feels connected I am to masterbate, which is what “her” counselor, also says.
I just can’t find anywhere biblically that says it’s my job to satisfy myself. She is an amazing woman, we have been married 12 years. I have never and will never cheat on her. I’m home every evening, early. I help around the house, I always help cook, clean, play with the kids. I really bring my A game out of sincere love. Put one of them to bed. I take my wife on a date every week, but the truth is, once the kids are in bed I feel like I can’t breathe, so often I will go outside, or sit in the hot tub. I know I’m escaping, but being with a lady who doesn’t want me hurts very bad. She says she loves me, but refuses me.
8 months ago I told her it had to change, or I didn’t know how I could stay in the marriage. Nothing has. We’re currently reading the book, sheet music. I noticed she was underlining everything she wanted me to change, very small things, but my point being she’s not looking to change herself. I could easily underline the entire book.
I’m an amazing confident, loving man, that supports and cherishes my family. There are plenty of women that would do a lot to have a man like me, but I don’t want another woman and I can’t stay here, yet biblically I can’t see any grounds for leaving, as there isn’t marital unfaithfulness. Must I stay like this forever? Is there any grounds where it’s ok to separate if she denies me, and how long do I have to wait? Is there anything I can do to help her? She simply has a much more negative view on life than I do and a very low sex drive. Besides that she’s amazing :) Thanks a ton!
(UNITED STATES) I am 39 as is my wife. We almost divorced recently because I had a 3 yr affair. My wife has never in 14 yrs approached me for sex. I started to feel like it was me, maybe I was a lousy lover. So I contacted an old flame and we hit it off like gangbusters. Soon after we had sex and she said I was not the issue. I feel three times a week is not too much to ask. I always make her feel like a lady and she is more than satisfied when she finally gives in. I just don’t think I should have to argue and fight for affection.
I came back to her as I do not want to lose my family. I just don’t know if I am strong enough to live in a sexless marriage. I am so distraught. She says all I want is to get laid every night. I don’t view it like that. As I say, three times a week would suffice. I just don’t know what to do. Am I to go find lust somewhere else? I’m so lost and frustrated.
(USA) Scott~ Looking OUTside of your marriage is going to destroy your family. Period. This is really, really selfish, and I’m not saying it because I am a woman. I am the one in my marriage who does not get enough in regards to sex… There is OBVIOUSLY an issue here going on with your marriage and it is manifesting in your sex life. You need to look at your own behavior, on a daily basis.
You need to really get interested in your wife, and in WHY she is not interested. Guaranteed she gets all tingly when she looks at some hottie on tv or some hottie flirts with her, JUST like you do. That’s not to make you jealous, but to rise above it and to be aware that you are not doing your job as a husband and leader, and you need to be the one to make it happen for her. Maybe she is not doing her job as wife… I don’t know. But YOU are the one in charge.
Jesus led by example, in Love. So please, if you truly want change, then that is what you must do. Maybe she is dealing with depression. Maybe she feels like she does not please you. Find out. And then find out how to convince her that you love her. ~C.
(USA) That was a horrible thing to say. He’s not selfish to cheat on a wife that won’t have sex with him. She’s the selfish one. He just made a bad decision and broke the rules. So maybe his wife should have sex with him. And when you bring Jesus into it, you just sound stupid.
(USA) Oh yes Cheyenne, women are fabulous at playing the victim. She was not fulfilling his needs.. full stop. The shaming language about “not doing his job” is logically unsound (really, have you been to his house?)
(USA) Scott, I feel for you. I have struggled for 7 years, after my son was born. I have a sex drive like a teenager and my wife, well, lets say 1-2 times a month is more than enough. The quality? I can write the script every time, never wavering. I am at a loss of what to do, the fights, the coldness, looks of disgust and made to feel like I have asked for too much. It’s difficult. But never stray if you want that family and keep asking the questions. One day you may find the answer and you will have your family and God to thank.
(US) J Michael – Although I do not agree at all with what Scott has done, your comment was a perfectly kind and helpful comment for Scott. As for Brian – you know, I actually can not even put into words how horrible that “advice” is. How dare you say she is the selfish one. Maybe she was, a little, BEFORE his affair. However, once he broke his vows, there is no comparison.
(BHUTAN) I am a 36 years married woman and have two kids. I have been married for the last 13 years and have extremely satisfied married life. We do have have sex at least once or twice a week. We do indulge in foreplay and have tried oral sex many times but sometimes I feel dirty. I have never and will never try anal sex. I feel my sex life is normal, like an average lady of my age. I do watch pornography sometimes, along with my partner, which is a good beginner for satisfying sex.
(US) I am 27 and my wife is 24. We have been married for 4 months now, and are having a difficult sexual life. My wife and I haven’t had other partners, and I guess we are still learning!
During the first 2 months of marriage, my wife used to have some pain during intercourse and I helped her to overcome it completely. It was a long wait for the first time… Now, there is a different issue – she is not excited and has a low sex drive. I always initiate (maybe once a week) and though she doesn’t say no, I easily know her lack of interest. Nowadays I feel like a pervert, even to initiate. We end up having sex once in 2 weeks..
She is a nice girl, no stress related or other problems for both of us. I have tried to talk to her and she gets sensitive!
I hear and read about other newlyweds doing twice a day (or others at least twice a week) and feel jealous. Or confused.