So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(U.S.) Well, now I am really confused. I am 34 and my husband is 62. His sex drive is much higher than mine. Yes, I just said that. We have been together for about 8 years and married for almost 3. I used to joke to my friends that he had to have sex every 36 hours or he was unbearable. I realize now that I wasn’t joking. We are still having sex 3-4 times a week but that just isn’t enough for him.
He is retired and plays golf about 6 days a week. I work Mon-Fri. I can’t complain because I have a really good schedule. But sometimes I am just tired. But if I deny him sex like I did last week because I was packing to travel for work for the whole week and I had a really important meeting at 8:00 a.m. Oh I forgot to mention, his best time is early morning….somewhere between 4:30 a.m and 6:00 a.m. I am struggling just to get my teeth brushed and my clothes on. No, I am not a morning person. Nothing that I can control. I have been that way my whole life. So, I could really understand if we hadn’t sex. I know I was leaving for a week. But we had sex Saturday and Sunday morning. But because I refused him on Monday, with legitimate reason… I believe ….but maybe not, he didn’t speak to me for 3 days.
That was really productive, being that I was trying to work. I verified with my neighbor that he never left the house and that there were no visitiors. So, I am really not thinking infidelity is an issue. I just don’t know how much more punishment that I can take. I really love him and would swear that he is my soul mate but we are having a major disconnect.
And a little added fact, I have medical issues that cause me extreme discomfort after sex. I don’t fault him and I try to suffer in silence although he fully knows what is going on. But sometimes I just can’t function like trying to pack and prepare for an early morning meeting and having to deal with physical discomfort.
Is he selfish and a total jerk? Or, am I the one with issues?
(USA) I am with all you beautiful people out there. I recently came close to losing my life and decided that I was no longer prepared to just accept my sexless marriage and the feelings of inadequacy that resulted from my wife being permanently too tired. I will no longer be made to feel like a pervert. I m now a proud, attractive man. I have asked my wife to be more specific about what I need to do to get her more excited about a healthy sexual relationship. If there is no response, then I hope with all my heart to run into one of you lovely underserved ladies soon.
(UNITED STATES) I am at the end of my rope with my husband. We have been married 10 years, and together for 14. I do not want to have sex with him. He does nothing to make me want to have sex with him. He whines and complains when I tell him no. This doesn’t help. We have 3 young children, and I work a high stress job as well as taking continuing education courses. I am fully responsible for my career, my education, as well as all of the family and household needs. I even have to be in charge of the family finances because he is a chronic over-spender. He has become my 4th child. Not too mention that he speaks to his mother more than he does to me.
He came home from work tonight, and I respect that he is tired from his job, but the only thing out of his mouth was, ‘What’s for dinner? I’m going to take a nap, wake me up when it is done.” He got up, ate dinner, and on his way to the shower (and then bed) said, “Have you looked into herbal supplements for your problem?” My “problem” being the low sex drive.
Yesterday, I had a long talk with him about our problems and what we needed to do to fix them. Obviously, he heard none of it. I know that his self esteem is connected to his sex life–I get it. And honestly if one more person tells me to just do it anyway, and then by some magic I will be in the mood… I might scream. I have tried that. In truth, I did not get in the mood. You know what I got, a lot of hurt feelings and then very angry. I felt like a piece of meat. Violated.
And for those who say a wife denying her husband sex is neglect, what about my end? Am I not being neglected? I am 32 years old. I should be at the pinnacle of my sex life, but instead there is nothing. Throughout our 14 year relationship, my husband has never given me an orgasm. I am fully capable and actually quite easily excitable. However, he resists any efforts I have made to show him. Instead, he prefers to treat me like the women in pornography.
When we were dating and early in our marriage, he had a problem with pornography. I felt hurt by it, but forgave him and did not withhold sex for this reason. However, as time passed it became clear that he thought all sex was like “porn sex.” When I do not perform as the women in porn do, I am frigid and something is wrong with me.
I realize that some may say that my lack of climax with my husband is why I don’t want to have sex with him. However, we dated 4 years before we married. This was a fact I knew going in and was not a problem. I enjoyed sex as a means of affection and closeness with him. I do not care if I ever climax with him. I manage that quite well on my own and feel no guilt/shame for it (I only mention that because some have posted that they do feel embarassment/guilt).
I just want to not feel like I’m a horrible human being for being aversive to sex right now. I want to know what can I do to explain to him that the constant harassment, the trying to force me into sex while I am sleeping, and the trying to secretely (yes, he really did) medicate me with a “sex vitamin”…are only pushing me further and further away. I do not want a divorce, but something has to change.
(USA) I have read a lot of these posts and can only say, wow, my situation must be really horrible. You’re lucky if you are getting sex at least once in 3 or 4 months. You would be doing way better than me, I mean way way better than me.
So here is my situation, we (my wife and I) have not had sex now in almost two years and counting. When we first got married, it was a typical marriage. Two, three or more times a week. We have been married for 14 years now and we dated for about year or two before. The first few years of marriage were great. But by the second kid, things quickly degenerated into nothing, complete evaporation desication and other word you can come up with. At first it was just once a month, then once every six months. Till now where I can honestly say we probably had sex maybe two times in the last four years. It’s probably even longer than that. In fact I could probably actually count the number of times we actually had sex altogether which would probably not even fill up a small piggy bank.
I have heard those same excuses: I’m tired, not now maybe tomorrow, or women just don’t need it. I’m beginning to wonder if women even like sex at all; I am seriously doubting it. I am finding it hard to believe that women on here are complaining about the lack of sex. In a way, it sort of blows my mind.
For me, at this point masterbation seems to be the only route left for me. I’ve begun to question why am I even married at all. The only reason that we had sex witin the last two years was because I looking elsewhere. And honestly I think she thought that was only way to keep me. But trust me we weren’t having sex before that incident, like sex twice in four or five years. Talk about a dry spell, a desert would get more love than I am.
And what’s funny about all this is that I am supposedly the perverted one. Or like the excuse I got when I mentioned that I need it was “people don’t need it” and that she could be quite happy not having sex ever again, seriously.
And get this on top of all that, I do the dishes, I do the laundary, I sometimes even cook or at least help with the cooking. I drive my daughter to school all the time. And I work, in fact I’m the only bread winner in the household. She doesn’t work. So lately she has taken up trying to play the stock market because she feels that she can’t get a real job. It would be nice if she actually made money on the stocks but trust, we are not rolling in money at all.
Honestly, I don’t even want to think about it anymore, it is so depressing.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I agree with the scripture presented by Marriage Mission. It is a responsibility for the couple to agree to take care of each other. Remember the wedding vows, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, … in good times and in bad times.
Sex is supposed to be a good time created or initiated by one or both partners. In the case it is initiated by one, and always by one person all the times, the other person tends to be passive, and develop a receptive mood mechanism, which makes the passive partner to now receive suggestions. And if he/she does not feel like having sex, he/she will reject thinking that he/she has to be begged for it. That is where the enemy starts causing incontinence, deviations, and finally unfaithfulness.
For me, there must an honest and truthful talk between a husband and wife when it comes to sexual needs and how they should meet them together. The couple should speak and not avoid the subject like in most of the times. Some couples think it is sinful to talk about sexual needs, which is completly wrong.
(USA) I understand the frustration. My husband and I have been together 10 years and married for 2. Prior to the wedding his sex drive dropped. I understood because we were both tired and under a lot of stress with the building of our house. I feel like his passion for me has never returned. I am not ugly, even though I feel that way now. I know that I gained quite a bit of weight but he assures me he’s okay about it. He knows that I work hard and diet like crazy. I am not a sit on the couch, munching potato chips girl.
Over a year ago he stopped sleeping in the bed with me. I didn’t find offense to this because before we married, he was most comfortable on a couch vs. a bed due to a car wreck.
I honestly have to say that I can’t remember the last time we had sex. I think it was about 4 months ago. He thinks it was 2. We don’t have kids but we do have several animals and a farm.
I know he gets off to internet porn. He thinks he deletes it but it really doesn’t go away. And I have to admit, I have had my own private times too but I don’t do it to visions of other people.
I love him and don’t want to divorce. I would never cheat. I am not sure about if he would. The man I know wouldn’t but no one ever knows.
So to those complaining about having sex once or twice a week, try once or twice every four months. Then you can really have something to whine about.
(USA) Hey everyone. My husband and I have been together 10 years and we still have sex like we are teenagers. The key is to spice it up …always keep it changing. I like to try on sexy outfits while he is at work and take some photos and send a couple throughout the day. Hopefully by the time he gets home his mood is good. Then put on those sexy outfits and strip down in front of him …another thing I like to do is slip into the shower unexpectedly. Go down on him while he is sleeping. He will think its a dream and when he wakes up …trust me he’s going to want it …I hope this helps. I guess, just keep it playful.
(USA) I am the wife in the xxx-less-than-i-want relationship. Before we got married, my husband wanted sex all the time. He said his last relationship failed because his ex never wanted sex…I promised him that would be no problem with us because I want sex every day if I can get it…
Well, before we got married – we had sex at least two to three times a week…now, we are lucky to have it once a week. Its great when we do have it – but the frequency is awful.
I have repeatedly asked him what is the problem – especially since he bragged that he bedded two or three different women in rotation before me because just one couldn’t handle his libido level…I am thinking what libido?
Because the sex we do have is so amazing, I am hopeful that he can increase his desire to at least a consistent twice a week…we will see.
(INDIA) As per my knowledge, belief, experince & statistical information I have collected so long, it seems that following is the normal or average frequency of sexual activity in Indian married males :-
21 to 25 – Almost everyday to 6 days per week .
25 to 30 – 5 days a week.
32 to 37 – 4 times per week.
37 to 42 – 3 times only.
42 to 48 – twice in a week.
48 to 55 – only just once a week.
55 to 62 – every two weeks is enough.
62 to 70 – It occurs very rarely say just once in a month.
70 to 78 – Twice or thrice a year.
78 to 85 – Sexual activity is almost stopped, no actual intercourse happens; but
male partner requires company of his wife preferably or otherwise some
female & may perform foreplay if gets chance to do so.
85 to 92 – No erection takes place, no ejaculation, nothing! Just imaginary sex!!!
Whatever stated above is only indicative information based on my own statistical information derived out of the interviwes of some hundreds of Indian males.
Sometimes the data shows just possibility but if other conditions are adverse, then although the male is capable of doing the activity & also needs it; cannot accomplish the above frequency.
Readers, kindly note that I shall not responsible for any danger/ill effect resulting due to my above conclusion, please.
Thanks & Regards .
(INDIA) Hey how have u been now? Did yourhusband ever understand?
(USA) Wow, after reading many of the comments posted here I am thinking my husband and I will never resolve the “sex” issue. My husband and I were married at a young age, had three children and divorced after 7 1/2 years. He remarried and I was engaged twice in those 11 1/2 years. A little over 5 years ago we decided to reunite and remarry once again.
We have had many mountains to climb with our children having their own children and needing to move in and out of our home. I have had a full hysterectomy and deemed to be in menopause 20 years ahead of my time. He has bipolar and anger issues, where as I have hormonal and men issues (mostly from my childhood). We are both aware that we have these issues. We have tried individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. We have tried medications but to no avail. We do not want to end our marriage but we both go through spurts of wanting a change and seeing no way out but to divorce. We agree to disagree, but we still both hurt in the end. I know our lives are full of changes and choices that we must make each day, but I never realized it would be this difficult. We are at a loss. What do you do next?
(US) Hi, Very sad reading all these entries… my story is a little different. I am struggling with how badly I feel for my apparent neglect of my wife of 17 years. I say apparent because I thought we were a very happy couple all these years until recently she un-vented some sadness she has been carrying for a long time. She is telling me that I stopped almost all intimacy shortly after getting married. I knew during all this time that we weren’t having tons of sex but we seemed happy so I thought we were “one of those couples…” so to speak and as long as we were happy what does it matter. Apparently I was a complete idiot and didn’t know it….she would say comments but nothing that got through to me what the problem really was….
So in the last year that all of this has come out during talks and counseling I think I have finally learned/realized how a woman needs to be treated and “feel”. We now have amazing sex and more frequent sex…usually at least 1-2 times every two weeks up to 3-4 times a week. But my wife is having such trouble dealing with the pat feelings that she sometimes would rather be alone….this hurts me as I truly love her and I tell her this but she seems to be depressed or unable to believe me.
I am curious to hear other stories of people that have sort of “turned things around” intimacy wise but still have trouble with emotions and sadness. Thanks!
(UAE) Sorry to hear about your situation. I am a guy, and I have been through something similar to you, luckily we are managing to resolve it.
There is no way on earth that a normal guy can go for 17 days or more without getting it. Just no way. I for one would do it twice a day every day if I was allowed to :). Is he perhaps getting it somewhere else??? Quite possibly.
(USA) Just another male pervert -no- sex with wife for sixteen years. I still remember my friend when she hugged me when we were both crying (over something bad) and I pushed her away (because I might do something bad). How many times I thought over the years that I would love her to hug me again! But I fear I would not push her away again.
(USA) While I scroll through and read many of these posts I have very mixed emotions. The first being saddness and the second being frustration. Being the spouse who isn’t really interested in sex and who, I guess has a low sexual desire, I feel very saddened that my lack of interest brings on any of these emotions or hurt feelings within my husband. On the other hand, there has not been one single post that even remotely tries to evaluate ‘why’ it is the other spouse (man/women) has a low sexual desire/interest. So many of these posts scream “emotional issues” among either the composer of the post or the person they are writing about.
I myself, realize that our biggest issue is what the article I just read calls…”a full plate life.” Things weren’t spectacular in the bedroom beforehand but after we had kids it really took a downward spiral. Plus, I am in school, I work night shift, am raising two young kids..etc. I feel overwhelmed and mentally & emotionally exhausted 99% of the time. We could take a weekend trip or whatnot but it would take me a whole weekend just to be able to wind down and feel relaxed/energized enough to even want to do anything else or have sex but then it’d all be too late.
I do not feel this way on purpose but the way I and my body has to deal with constant stress and exhaustion may not be the same way my spouse or someone else deals with it. This kind of stress has been going on for years in my life so it’s not exactly gonna resolve in a day and then I’m suddenly going to feel like super frisky woman either. I try to relay this to my spouse but I don’t think he gets it AND it is NOT me just making up excuses. I do care about my spouse but with all this other stuff going on sex feels like another job instead of something that’s supposed to be enjoyable. There are so many other details that could be added to this story but I don’t want to write a book here. Good luck and Godbless everyone on both sides of this sexually frustrating coin!
(USA) OK, it may not happen overnight, but until you take the steps it takes to eliminate anything you can under your control today, it will not start at all. If you are too stressed and too exhausted, what are you doing to ensure you relax, or say no to requests, delegate chores to the kids, etc?
Of course your spouse doesn’t get it, just as you probably don’t get how he could want to have sex several times a day or week.
What can YOU do to eliminate the causes of your stress and fatigue so that you are feeling frisky most of the time? Can you make an agreement that if certain stresses are removed, you will do what it takes to restore your desire? Can you make an agreement that he’ll get all the sex he wants if he meets specific needs you clearly spell out?
What are you doing, including requesting help from your husband and kids to arrive at a solution that meets his legitimate need for sex and eliminates all those things you’ve cited that kill your drive?
It doesn’t sound like there is anything that can’t be solved. Since you are the one with the low drive, it’s you who has to drive the train, to clearly explain what it would take to restore your drive to a level that you both find pleasing.
You’ve done a good job of explaining why you don’t have the drive he wants. What are you doing to address those things and to make a case that encourages him if he acts in certain ways, such as helping you with stresses and just general business? Will he be rewarded with a wife who really wants him as often, if not more than he wants you?
(USA) You might want to know how he feels and put that into consideration, as well. It’s not just your life. You sound like my wife. That’s just how it’s going to be. That sucks.