I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
My wife and I have been married nearly 52 years and have 5 grown children. We have not had any sexual relationship now for several years. And, satisfactory sex (for both of us) has not been in our marriage for about 30 years. I have always had a high sex drive and hers was just submissive most of the time until she began being resistant for at least 20 years. She never would consider counseling. I turned to pornography for a while but that can ruin a person and family as much as anything.
So, I finally reasoned within myself, that I cannot make someone do something they don’t want to do (I tried that route) and I would have to answer to God for my own self and not someone else; so I forgive her if she is doing this in rebellion. I don’t know why and she does not talk about it and just clams up and does not answer me. So, I have a happy marriage except in that one area. We are both retired now for about 2 years, I am first up and after I finish my breakfast, I greet her with a hug when she awakes and tell her I love her. How can I do this? Because, “I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.” Would I like it to be otherwise? YES! But this is my cross to bear. I will do so lovingly and joyfully. I am 75 & she is nearly 70. We are relatively healthy. People think we appear to be much younger. So, I thank the LORD daily for what I have and pray for what I desire but don’t have. She was saved when she was 13 years old, I was saved when I was 28 years old . I hope this is a blessing to someone.
Harry, not only did you bless Cindy and me with this testimony, you became one of our Marriage Missions Heroes. You exemplify EVERYTHING the Bible calls us to be as husbands. I will be referring men who write in this category (angry and in complete frustration) to your testimony. We believe God will use this to help many others. Bless you, Brother!
Harry thanks for this post! May God bless you!
The affirmation I have gleaned from these responses and the article along with GOD’S mercy is all that I have to hold fast to. I also have been in an extremely unsatisfied marriage in regards to sexual intimacy, for all these same reasons. I also have chosen to submit my needs and desires up unto the Lord as a sacrifice, but it isn’t easy. It’s very painful especially in our sexploitive society these days. I do regret to admit that I fail sometimes and fall into temptation. But this website gives me solice that I am not alone, but it seems like an epidemic that ravages our culture. Pray for and with me.
Stay strong in your faith and may peace be with be with you!
How should I stop suffering without hurting anyone?
The human ability to have an orgasm (present in both men and women) tells us that God gave us sex not only for reproduction, but also as a mental and physical release from the stresses of daily life, and to comfort one another.
A man’s sexual nature tells us that God intended sex to occur in marriage with or without emotional connection, as men are fully capable and drawn to sex without the need to first emotionally connect. Many men do not connect emotionally with their wives, until AFTER they have had sex with them.
This last point is one that many in our modern age would contend with. But the fact is, aside from newlywed couples, if normal married couples only had sex when they were feeling emotionally connected, sex would occur far less often. Just like the foundation of marital love is Agape love (love from duty and commitment, not from emotion), so too God wanted sex to come first from duty and commitment, and only secondarily from emotion.
Thanks for opening my eyes.
Great. Thanks for this article. I admire the sincerity and balance with which you wrote this article. It’s a blessing to me and, I believe, a blessing to others as well. I just want to say that, in the last line of the prayer, the word ‘behind’ should have read ‘begin.’ Cheers.
I seem to be having this issue in my marriage. I do not want to have sex with my husband. Although he has gotten better, the first few years of my marriage he was mentally and emotionally abusive, made me feel lonely, never helped with kids or anything else. He never showed me attention unless he wanted sex. After 4 separations I now find myself not attracted to him sexually. I cringe inside when he touches me or kisses me. I force myself to have sex with him at least once a week to keep him happy, but I start crying either during or after. Afterward I feel disgusted. The sex is never enjoyable. I don’t know what to do.
Heather, please get some counseling for yourself. If you continue to keep this up, you will develop an aversion to sex.
I know exactly the feelings you describe (though not for the same reasons). Men just don’t have a clue that having sex, when you aren’t emotionally connected, can be a traumatic experience for a woman. There is nothing loving and caring about what you are going through. Please seek help. My thoughts and prayers and with you!
My wife and I are both Christians, married 36 years. I still find her attractive and would like to make love to her once or twice a week. It’s simple for me. God gave a married couple this blessing called sexual intimacy, and then said NOT to withhold it from each other.
It’s almost universal that women do NOT obey this scripture. The blame is always shifted to the man. Sad that women are given a “pass” on this, even by Christian leaders. Conversely, no “pass” to compensate is ever provided for the man. Hypocrisy.
Women aren’t given a pass. It’s a sin. But, I can tell you that having sex Just for your husband and getting nothing out of it for yourself can make sex somewhat off putting. You say you still find her attractive and would like to make love to her once or twice a week. You also say, “It’s simple for me.” Well, maybe it’s not that simple for her.
In your case, being married 36 years, menopause may have something to do with it. Have you ever asked her if it’s painful for her? Is she having trouble with arousal or orgasm? Would you be up for sex once or twice a week if it was painful or you had difficulty becoming aroused or if you never climaxed? Or would you be up for sex once or twice a week if you couldn’t get an erection but your wife desperately wanted you too?
Many men lose desire for sex when their equipment isn’t reliable. Many men lose desire when their testosterone becomes too low. Well, sometime’s women’s equipment doesn’t work the same anymore. Sorry, it doesn’t show.
After menopause, testosterone flat lines (read: sexual desire and arousal). After childbirth, floods of hormones change women’s bodies and brains. Yet, mysteriously women are expected to remain sexually energetic and passionate despite system failures or overloads. Talk about hypocrisy.
Here we go again with every way to find an excuse. We never know the sacrifice and all a man does in order to have sex. Men are never appreciated in this manner, but condemned as not being understanding and not knowing what a woman goes through. That is the real hypocrisy! For example, have we ever celebrated men for ‘still’ wanting sex even after a demanding, tiring, and stressful work day?
When a wife doesn’t want to have sex with her husband it’s because she is getting sex from someone else. Plain and simple.
It may seem to be that simple, but it isn’t. Yes, there are wives who fit into that category. But I know of wives who have NO inclination to have sex with anyone. They just are not sexual people. I know of others that are (understandably) repelled by their husbands because their husbands are abusive, or they are so narcissistic and self-centered in their behavior that the wife is totally turned off. And then there are the wives who have physical conditions that cause pain when they have sex. And lastly, but not least (because this is a complicated situation, so there are other reasons), there are other wives who use sex as a weapon towards their husbands, and others who just don’t care if the husband desires them… they want what they want when they want it.
In other words, there are sinful reasons, plus understandable reasons, from a human standpoint. But whatever the reason, the spouse who holds back is the one who has the most power in the bedroom. And a power struggle in the marital bed is never a good thing.
Very good article. As a husband there have been times in our marriage that I quite honestly wasn’t “In love” with my wife. Even times I disliked her. But that’s when I doubled my efforts to find new things to love about her and stay attracted. It works every time. I adore my wife. But it’s pretty obvious it’s a one way street. My wife has some physical problems. So I researched ways to be intimate that would work for her. I am now probably the best amature masseuse without a license at giving her massages for hours and taking care of her “needs” first.
I do the shopping, laundry ironing, some of the cooking, work a heavy work schedule and other things. She stays home and doesn’t do the physical therapy that would help her. If one spouse isn’t physically attracted anymore to the other, and doesn’t try to find new things to love about them and blames things on something the other spouse is or isn’t doing, the marriage is probably already over. You just gotta decide if you’re gonna accept that and stay and be lonely or end it and move on.
I’m in my mid 50’s and though I’ll be devastated financially and will be leaving the love of my life, I think I’m gonna let her know I’m leaving here in the next few days. I don’t want to and I will miss her horribly. But to look at someone daily and love them and just want their touch but get less than zero coming back to you, it’s not only crushing, it kills you inside a little more every day. But I’ve done all I could. I can’t make her want me. But maybe out there there might be a few ladies who might find a mid 50’s guy, with a job, can cook a little, does laundry and ironing, shops and yard work plus hours long massages with all accompanying ambience, loves sex and intimacy, a good catch.
Nice article. There are many, many reasons for lack of sex. It can be something in the marriage or it can only reside mostly with the woman. Also sometimes than man can withdraw from sexual interest as well (and not just because of hormones/ED or cheating). Couples and individual therapy can be helpful. One issue that is difficult to address, especially for Christian women, is that they are sexual creatures as well. They can suffer from the same “boredom or temptation for others” that we often attribute to men. Marriage and Monogamy can take work – lots of work – for women as well. It is not uncommon that women stray on nice stable caring husbands these days – yearning for some “alpha bad boy” of a man. I would encourage some men to balance their roles as kind/helpful partners (house husband) and also as strong male figureheads in their own home and life outside the home (leaders).
Great insight, Andrew. Thanks for sharing it with us.
My $ .02… Don’t be a “nice guy;” your wife will lose respect for, and interest in, you. Instead, be a “good man,” one who does what needs to be done, be it your job, yard work, helping around the house, WHATEVER, because that’s what a good man does without the need for praise, etc.
Don’t depend on a woman for your validation. The Jezebel spirit is too ingrained in most women today and they will seek out every opportunity to discredit and “invalidate” you.
Get your validation from your job well done, the respect of your coworkers, the love of and for your kids, and most of all your GOD. Your wife will either respond positively to your example and your leadership, or she will by her rejection of you make known her inner heart. Period.
Thank you so much for writing this, Alan. I was blessed. You were right on spot. Thank you. Thank you.
Joe, I’m glad this spoke to you; I’m still struggling with this issue every day. Peace and strength to you.
Music Industry, Hollywood and the media in general has really made it tough. As a young male growing up in the late 70’s in junior high school and high school exposed to sex, drugs and alcohol, it’s difficult now in marriage to be clean, sober and celibate. It seems the longer we’re married the more she says no and the more she says no the more I want it. Trust me, I’ve heard every excuse a woman could give to say no. Though I’ve forgiven for this one excuse it’s hard to forget and to forget the hurt I felt when I heard it. “No. Not tonight, my hair hurts”.
I have been married for almost 33 years. Just prior to our marriage my wife-to-be started acting funny about showing affection to the point that she nixed the “you may kiss the bride” section from the service. Prior to that, things had been a normal, pre-marriage Christian relationship. Since, however, it’s been a nightmare. I have never been kissed since. We tried intimacy the first night of our marriage and it was a disaster — all she did on the honeymoon was cry. It hasn’t gotten any better. Our only real “intimacy” was when she wanted to have children, which started about eight years into our marriage. Every two or three years she would decide she wanted another baby and we would be “intimate” for a couple of weeks until she conceived. That ended 17 years ago.
Every now and then since, she might try to “help” me but with no real intimacy involved, though I tried everything to help her feel good. That even ended several years ago. Her only response, from the very beginning, when we tried to talk about it was “I will cook, and clean and wash clothes. That is how I will show my love.” It has been a nightmare for me. I feel like a sperm donor and financial partner in raising a family — but not a husband she has loved. We have gone through many things of life together as Christians and for 26 years I really believed one day God would change all of this. But slowly I realized he wouldn’t and I have given up hope.
I’m now in my mid-50s and financial problems have plagued us for several years. I work two full-time jobs and am trying to get out of this financial crisis. But I feel my “financial partner” status has failed her and now I don’t even have her respect. I have lived a life of guilt, unmet desires, etc. I have never had an affair, but I have tried to find ways to satisfy my desires. Of course anything I did only led to more guilt. I don’t understand why God has forgotten me. I believe there are things in her past that haunt her, but she never allowed counseling to deal with those at any deep level. She loves her children and has made it clear that they are her life (along with her new grandchild). She is a wonderful Mom.
Meanwhile I am so lonely I can’t even explain. I tell no one about this because I don’t want to undermine her before others. I am alone in this Hell. I often wish God would just take me home. I would love to be in a loving relationship where intimacy is shared as a normal part of life. I long for this. I don’t understand why God allowed me to be in this marriage and why He hasn’t intervened. I am not a young man but I still think of sex often. It’s been almost 33 years but I still can find no peace. I don’t accept this is the way it was supposed to be. I find myself shutting down, especially now that I work two full-time jobs. Meanwhile she goes about her days, enjoying life with her children and grandchild. I am nothing more than someone who puts money in the bank to help pay the bills.
I feel like you are ignoring the people who don’t ever enjoy sex, are asexual, have no libido, or are sex-repulsed. If a partner can’t have sex without it feeling like a chore, is that healthy either? Should they just stick through it and not complain? You didn’t mention talking about why the partner doesn’t want sex, and I think the article was lacking here. Plenty of people don’t consider sex a good thing, and being told they should just say yes is invalidating. Also, not even mentioning people who don’t feel sexual attraction makes asexuals feel broken, or wrong. What are your thoughts on them?
If you don’t enjoy sex, have no libido, are asexual, etc., then you should NOT have gotten married. But you DID, so sort it out and get help. They didn’t ask to be celibate in the marriage.
And please, don’t insult my intelligence by saying you “didn’t realize you felt this way” before you got married. Nearly 25 years of rejection has taught me otherwise.
My thoughts are very clear. If you’re Asexual, you better darn well express that concise and clear, the first 10 min of the first date, because if you’re very or ambiguous with the other 99.9 percent of us and trap us in a sexless union then you are the uncompassionate, terrible person. You’re free to not crave sex, but most of us connect with our partner in that fashion. So, in all due respect, don’t even start.
Hear hear! I’m not sure I’m totally on board with the “within the first 10 minutes of the first date” part, but once it becomes clear that marriage is a definite possibility, then this issue (as well as many others) MUST be addressed. It may or may not require formal counseling; a simple heart to heart sit-down may suffice. But get this issue into the open, talk about it, deal with it, and come to a decision. If either you or your partner/fiancé/etc. are ambivalent, take a step back, do counseling and call off any immediate plans for a life together. Pray and search your souls about this vital issue in marriage. If you still can’t come to agreement on it, it’s time to part. Period. Better to be heartbroken for a season than dissatisfied, frustrated and filled with regret.
Here is the Catholic view of the Marriage Debt. My wife and I have only had marital relations less than 20 times in 12 years. Its a huge struggle for me especially since there are months on end where we don’t come together in the marital embrace.
https://ronconte.wordpress.com/2015/12/18/the-marriage-debt-the-obligation-of-spouses-to-have-sex/
Good day. My husband and I are married for 12 years. I am having a problem that has been addressed in this article. I think the problem is that because of my dissatisfaction I just shut down. Firstly, the business of our life and with no support from him. I work a 07h00 to 16h30 job, come home to clean, cook, help the kids with homework and bathe the kids. Some days it will include the washing because weekends church activities are a lot. He only helps me when he wants sex and sometimes even if he wants sex he won’t help me. When he wants sex I will see him buy cooking or help the kids with homework and while still busy catching up on something he calls me to bed.
Secondly, he will never give me a good bye kiss or a hello kiss; when he does that I know he wants sex today and that just puts me off. I feel that I am only loved when he wants sex but out of the ordinary I am not. I raised the concern with him but he is always right and he knows everything
Thirdly, there is no foreplay and if it happens it is just a disaster. Again, if he’s satisfied he don’t see a problem
Fourthly, he does not support me financially. If I ask him for money, he will ask me what have I done with the money. Hence I pay his car, our elder son’s school fee and my school fees as I further my studies and some things that needed to be done at home. Last month I didn’t do my hair, he didn’t bother to ask why and I asked him for money to do my hair and he told me he doesn’t have any. The very same week the girls who were going back to their home as they finished writing their exams and he gave me money to give it to them to buy something on the road. What about me?
Fifthly, my husband never supports me in anything I am doing. I support him as a pastor in the ministry in such a way that my studies are left behind. I will be writing an exam the following day trying to study for exam he will want sex.
He is very quick to complain about me depriving him sex. At some point he took the matter to our elders and I tried God bare me a witness on this one I tried to give to him every time he wants it until lately 2 weekends following each other we were so busy that there was no time to clean the house or do laundry and he complained about it and I was working hard to catch up with that work that I am so tired and he wanted sex; and I was very tired I tried and I couldn’t do anything. The following day I just commented that I am tired as I work and come back to do the laundry after work. He was so upset with me that even now we are not on talking terms and he wrote me a massage that hurts me so bad that even now I want to quit this marriage. I feel that he only married me for sex and nothing more. The last time we went out for dinner or lunch was January this year, the last time we went on holiday is the year 2012.
With his hurtful massages, how must I show him love or have a desire for sex with him?