So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(CANADA) Tony, My point is that if all things were good I wouldn’t be writing here. This isn’t exactly “let’s get on here and write about the millions of good things my spouse does” I am writing for a specific issue that I am having trouble with at this point. The intimacy issue is not a “dead in the water” issue. Things are still happening but just not as often as he would like or for that matter what I would like. I am just really struggling with the trust around the drug issue. If bills aren’t getting paid and I don’t know where the money is going because he won’t share. That automatically leads me to suspect that he is using again. So the trust is a huge issue here. I want to be initmate but do I want to be with someone that I don’t trust fully? I want to get back to the trust. Given every other stressor, I can work around that. The trust is the biggy.
(USA) Let him know he can have much more sex if he can be done with the drugs for good. You’re doing this because you love him.
(USA) But only if she will actually do that. More is a meaningless term. If I go from once to twice a month, that’s more. But if the spouse wanting more was looking for say 15x a month, they will still be disappointed. To one it seems like a lot, after all, they doubled the frequency. To the other, it’s still only 13.3% of what they were looking for.
Instead of hanging something nebulous such as “more” be specific. Agree to X times/month if there is verifiable no drug use, or whatever the “hang up” may be.
After all, scripture says we are to deny sex ONLY when it’s mutually agreed upon, and even then, only for a short time. Therefore, the biblical solution is as long as there is no agreed upon hiatus from sex, then sex should ALWAYS be an option. I really don’t see any Biblical case for denial other than during short, and mutually agreed upon periods.
(USA) My wife and I have been married for more than 10 years. Our sex life has had its ups and downs but we’ve never had a dry spell longer than a month or so. I would love sex every other day, but my wife usually responds once a week or so.
The other day we hit over two weeks without sex. During the day she’ll kiss me but as evening comes she holds back and communicates with body language that she’s not interested. I asked her if she wanted to have sex, but she said no but that she would do it if I wanted. I’ve noticed lately that she doesn’t seem to be enjoying intimacy at all; when I kiss her it’s like she’s elsewhere.
She seems to care about me and worry about my feelings. We talked later that night about things. I told her I wasn’t interested in sex if she wasn’t interested in it. I didn’t want her to go through the motions to please me. She told me that it was normal for a spouse to not have any desire for it or other affection but to do it out of obligation. She even claimed that since we got married she never has enjoyed it or wanted it, which hurt me a great deal. When I acted distant the next day, she was concerned about me but seemed genuinely unaware of way I was hurt.
I don’t want to be intimate with my wife if she doesn’t want to be intimate with me. I have to feel like it is a mutual act of love and attraction, not one spouse’s need for gratification met by the other. Yet she is adamant that this is normal and what some of her friends do too.
Do you think I am making too big a deal out of this? Should I just try my best to get her in the mood on those times when she pities me and submits to affection? Is my best hope that at some point during intimacy things become truly genuine on her part even though she didn’t enjoy it at the start? Or is she wrong and it’s actually normal for me to expect her to want intimacy and to enjoy it? Would love some advice. I feel like my marriage has flipped upside-down in just a few days.
(USA) Tim, I know what you mean. My wife was sexually active before we met. When we met she was pregnant with my oldest daughter. It was made clear to me from God that she had repented of what she did wrong and that despite the choices and results of her past that God had given her to me. I say that because she associated love with sex. She wanted those who she was with to love her so she had sex with them. Her first boyfriend was abusive. She just had sex; there was no connection to it. When we got married that was still there. I felt it and I was hurt. It has been 14 years. Just in this last year has God worked in both of us. My wife would have sex just out of obligation. The more she obliged the more she hated it because she didn’t want it. That put a barrier between us. I have always wanted to please her in any facet I can. When I choose first to satisfy her and then be satisfied it helped her to know that sex wasn’t a lets just get it over with act. Depending on the time frame I would cuddle and kiss and try to work up in my wife a desire for sex. I am convinced that the only way a woman is up for sex is if she wills it. Or let me say this. If she trusts you and feels safe in you she is more easily adept to give herself to you. But I also know that this does not always work. I WILL fail her. She WILL fail me.
I have had a hard time with her falling asleep in foreplay. I would get hurt because if she is in to it why is she falling asleep. I would get mad and we get in an argument. I also suffer from depression myself and I felt unloved. I don’t associate sex with love what I associated was rejection. If she loved me she would not reject me. My wife loves me. It was made clear to me when I was talking to a friend of mine and how he says he gets sex maybe 2 times a week. Most of the time my wife will accomodate me daily. It was then I realized that she does love me and it was the rejection I was feeling as not being loved. But I also know that my wife works long hours and she is extremely busy so I can see that her being tired too which is why she falls asleep, however, she will do this if she has enough sleep too. So I am working on those moments when she is just too tired to do anything and not take it as rejection and use that time to show her that I love her and am willing to sacrifice my need so hers can be met (Just as Christ commands us husbands). I have tried to do this many times but she is stubborn and wanted to prove her love to me by doing it. Catch 22 I know.
So the real question to ask her is why she doesn’t like sex? Is it the act? Is it the smell? Is it the technique, positions, etc. There has to be something that drives her not to. But also know that if she is willing to have sex with you because she loves you and knows you have a need that she is willing to fullfil consider yourself lucky. I don’t believe that a woman doesn’t desire sex is normal. I mean she could have a low sex drive sorta like my wife. But I need to say this once I focused on her first and let her have her orgasms and shown her that sex is just not an act that I love her and this is how God created us to be she has enjoyed it more. I wouldn’t say that she has initiated sex but I think most women think men should initiate it. I agree but disagree. It is nice to feel wanted too. So if my wife were to come to me in a sexy neglige (spelling) and took me by the hands to our bedroom I would not hesitate. But I know some have done this and got rejected. Which is why I believe is why Paul said to not ignore sex from one another. Because if the two are one then sex is the avenue to experience that connection. I know so is cuddling and kissing and other stuff but sex is the main part.
To those wives who are hurt. I have been there. I have felt betrayed by my wife. I fear that one day she will not love me anymore or will not have the strength to endure my depression. In talking with her I know she cannot fix me only God can and I think that is where the two of you need to look to God to meet those needs lacking from each other. Look to God and ask to help with forgiveness and restore the love the two of you can have in Christ. Trust will always be an issue. But do not trust him trust in Him, God alone through Christ. Make Christ the person to take care of him not you. When you focus your mind on that concept that no matter what he does he will not hurt you. You can look to God and pray more for him to have strength, to be a man like God and to be able to forgive him from his mistakes. If he has a drug issue then he needs help. If he fails to get help pray to God that he finds a way to get it. You cannot make him do anything but God can.
Give God the control you have over him back to Him and let God be God and you be his wife. Focus on the good as Paul says, Philipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I was not being obedient to Christ in this area. Our pastor talked about being a man after God’s own heart. David commited adultery and murder and yet God still says he was a man after his own heart????? I didn’t understand it until he mentioned that David was humble. God wants a humble person. The opposite is what? Pride or self focused.
I’m sorry this is long but the answer is never an easy paragraph. I’m still finding God’s treasures and how to deal with my wife even after 14 years. I love her and can’t see my life without her and after almost losing her twice I can’t afford to be a jerk and not get my life in order and learn to be what God has called me to be. If you are not a Christian then it is difficult but the same principles apply. Any person will fail you. Don’t focus on the failure, focus on the success. God does not focus on your sin, he made a payment for our sin. He loves us greatly and because of that has made it clear how we can be free of sin. He focus on the good but as the Bible says that mans own heart is rotten but when God enters in it is made clean. When you turn your hurts and betrayal over to God he will comfort you and love you, I hope this helps in some fashion if anything it helps to reaffirm the things I need to do for myself and my wife. I even felt that God didn’t love me anymore but that is not true, satan wants you to feel that way because when you do he wins. Don’t let satan win because he can’t win over God unless you allow him to! Love God, Love your spouse, love your family!
(USA) Hello, I am sorry to say that I can truely relate to your situation, however, your getting it 3 times in a month is a lot more than I get. My husband and I have been married for 14 years next month and it has been this way since pretty much the beginning. I know that a lot of others may not believe that he is not cheating but I don’t think so, I know he’s not and I think you can relate. I have heard all kinds of things like his Catholic background may have something to do with it to he just likes cuddling. I feel unattractive and unwanted all the time. All he wants to talk about are the kids. Our kids are 19, 17, 16, 12 and 9. We hardly have little ones anymore but he claims that when they all are out of the house, he will just smother me with love and attention and affection.
I am afraid I won’t want that then. I don’t think our marriage has to be put on the back burner through the raising of the kids. It’s just an excuse. He actually bought me a toy that he likes to use on me claiming that I wanted to do something different and more fun in the bedroom. I hated it @ first. I felt like he got me that (which he was very excited about and even got highly educated by the lady in the store) because he didn’t want to share himself with me. He is pleasured he says when watching me be pleasured. I feel like he isn’t getting anything out of it and he doesn’t even get an erection.
There is a major problem with that. He had a vasectomy after the last child but this was going on before than. I know the fear of me getting pregnant again isn’t the issue because I am also on birth control (for not wanting a period) not fear of pregnancy. It seems that I figured it out. I have been a mom since 15 and I had the three oldest already when we met but I think he fell in love with the fact of being a father more than being a husband. Another problem is that he just trusts me so much that he really doesn’t bug me too much on where I am or who I’m with. It’s like he doesn’t care. The only affection that I do get from him (which seems programmed to me or routine but to him he loves doing it) is giving me a kiss before he loves or when he goes.
I am tired of the little pecks. I don’t really want him to call me baby anymore, I want to be called my name and I don’t even want those kisses. I’d much rather have a hug because it is a more extension of oneself and it’s different now so freakin mundane. You might say if you knew us that Wow I wish I was her, married to a good man after being married to an emotional and mental abuser that was hooked on drugs. I have traveled the world being that he is in the military but I feel that I have just been along for the ride. I’m like a fly on the wall. Woe lucky me! I am only 35 years old.
With this second marriage now for 14 years and the first marriage was a lot of sexual abuse, don’t I deserve to be loved, adored, shown affection, and sexually fulfilled? I don’t want to go outside the marriage which has happened before with a lesbian that I didn’t know was one. We were like sisters in Christ. My husband questioned if she was that way. I didn’t see it at first so I asked her. She said no and I told him that and he didn’t question it anymore. I told him eventually something didn’t feel right between she and I as we began getting closer an closer and he said naw don’t worry its ok and he assured me it was ok and I still hung out with her.
The more I wanted and longed to be with him, the more he pushed me away with the kids and work before me. I waited and longed for him to come rescue me but he never ever did. We ended up getting deeper and deeper as friends and she began giving me what I needed emotionally and eventually everything else. Every need that I shared with her every feeling or story I told her, she took it and played me. I was so in love with her and I still think about her more often than I should. For one, she had kids that were like my own flesh and blood and she was auntie to my kids. My husband saw our unhealthy bickering back and forth like she and I were a couple and never said anything. He even mentioned that there were times he saw her looking at me in a wrong way but he never said, “Why are you looking at my wife like that?’ Never said nothing. Eventually it did become sexual and it was great. I am not proud about that but she answered all of my needs at the time. She was hire than he was to me then, I felt really bad because he is such a great guy.
I got tired of her manipulation and control over me especially the guilt and shame she’d make me feel because we were Christians. I got fed up ran home crying out to the Lord in repentance of my sins and confessed immediately to my husband about the affair and he thought it was with one of the brothers from the church. He acted clueless. Needless to say, he forgave me but nothing has changed still as far as our intimacy and I thought we need to learn lessons in life or they bare repeating. I vowed to God that I would never cheat on him again and I won’t. But that doesn’t mean that doors or completely shut that shouldnt be opened.
I feel like crap when I use the toy. I just use it on myself and he doesn’t really care but I feel like I’m cheating with his permission so it’s ok. I hate it though. I want sex. I need to be sexually fulfilled by a man, not any man, my man but he won’t do anything because he thinks everything is just great and that I HAVE the problems and issues and need to deal with them. He doesn’t want counseling or won’t seek help why he doesn’t really get a real erection or whenever we do have sex which is really rare, he doesn’t stay erected long or makes excuses why he either can’t get up or went down so fast. When he is in, I can tell when he is no longer up and he pretends that he is still going so I fake it too cause I don’t want him to feel bad. He just doesn’t see a problem or won’t get checked out.
I’m suffering and I just don’t want to ask or pry anymore. I cry and cry and cry so much to myself or my sister and I’m tired. Everytime I do talk to him about it eventually he just says he is sorry that I’m not happy and that it’s not fair for me to be with someone who makes me so unhappy. We talk about splitting up then we eventually get over it until the next go round instead of facing and dealing with the issues. If I was financially able, I would leave because he’s not willing to work on the issue. I often make excuses about sleeping in the bed. I feel sick on my side of the bed, literally, and sad so I go to the couch. He just takes my excuses for what they are and sleeps peacefully without me next to him. Sorry so long. I could go on and on but I will end here. Thank you for reading and if anyone can help, please try, thanks.
(NAMIBIA) Listening to you made me think about my own cousin, who’s in a similar situation as yours, about the husband who had a vasectomy. It is also very difficult for her too in this instance and I can tell you from a councelling perspective, that it is not just for you that it’s difficult. Normally men are the hunters and women are the receivers.
Imagine yourself, as a man how he feels about this issue, it’s not as if he is passive about this. It hurts him too, for not satisfying you. A man’s manhood is shown in his sexuality. It’s very hard for him not to stay up inside of you everytime. My dear, all this is the result of that vasectomy. Why do you think he told you to buy a toy, definitely not for the fun of it, but because he feels inadequate as a man and for the fact that he cannot satisfy you.
Believe me, he does not think less of you. He probably loves you more than you’ll ever know. All I can suggest to you, is to take this issue one more time to God. There is nothing that He cannot fix. Abraham was past his age and believed God’s promises, and eventually there was Isaac. Hannah got Samuel when she was also very high in age, what about you. God will never give you what you don’t deserve. He loves you so much.
He has already forgiven you for the mistake you made. It’s about time that you forgive yourself. Sow a seed in your marriage, and what you want from your marriage, write your request together with your seed on an envelope and water that seed in prayer everyday. The fervent effectual prayer of a righteous man avails much. Even if it takes for you to fast 3 days or more, do it. One other thing the Word says, seek first the Kingdom of God and all else will be given unto you. Therefore do that as well. Seek God’s face everyday and be happy in Him who created you including everything else in this world.
I want you to look at yourself and see God’s light in both you and your husband; For God has given us the spirit of love, of power and of a sound mind. Speak forth the Word into your circumstances, send forth the Word, decree and declare what you want, my dear. Learn how to speak and be positive in God. Jesus said ANYTHING you ask in my name will be given unto you. Believe that you have received it and you’ll receive it. Ask not in fear or hesitation, but in confidence, in faith. Come boldly to the throne room of grace. I believe that everything will work out for your good, and not just for your good but for everybody who reads this message that trusts in God whole-heartedly. Be blessed.
(UNITED STATES) Your words pierce me to the core of my heart’s desire. I’ve been praying for 14 years since reunited with my husband after a short-term separation, for a marriage that is fulfilling for us both. I desire intimacy so much, not just physical sex. I’ve cried buckets of tears and wonder if I have to stay in such a marriage with a man who says he loves me “once in a while” and never kisses me and yet thinks having sex once every two weeks (if that much) is ok?
Our communication is something terrible and therefore we don’t talk. I’ve suggested counseling but he refuses. I’ve now decided to look for counseling on my own in search for answers and possibly a divorce down the road. I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and wonder today if God just doesn’t want to help me in this area of my life. I used to believe the scriptures about praying about “anything” but for some reason my marriage and “intimacy” is an area above and beyond His reach.
I know this sounds silly, but I can’t emphasize enough of the pain that I feel when reading of others experiencing the “loneliness” or the lack of “oneness” with their spouse for I totally understand. I’ve been married for 25 years and this has been such an issue with me. He is a decent, hard-working man that is stubborn and clueless to my needs. (For years, I thought I was selfish for asking and didn’t know that my “needs” for affections, hugs, respect, …etc. were valid.) I do think he has issues that he does not or will not recognize therefore does not see the affects it has on us and our marriage. I’m so ready to throw in the towel. Maybe, just maybe, is there a miracle out there?
(USA) Please help… I am a 26 year old female who has been married 6 years. I got married young and had never had sex prior. I grew up a in strict Catholic home and my parents were not open to talking about sex. We got married and went on our honeymoon. Ever since we started having sex I’ve had pain during intercourse. I also get urinary tract infections almost guaranteed after having sex. I’ve gone to 3 different doctors over the years. No one has been able to resolve the pain although I take antibiotics to prevent the UTIs. Every doctor tells me that everything is fine. No STDs, no obvious abnormalities. I pretty much gave up on ever finding an answer by year 4 of our marriage- we don’t have good insurance and I’d paid enough to have doctors not help me.
I would try to meet my husbands sexual needs a few times a month even though it wasn’t a pleasant experience for myself. My husband has an extremely high sex drive and since we’ve got married this has caused much strain and pain in our marriage. When I did get UTIs, he would push to have sex before they were resolved. It always made me feel like he didn’t care for me. I want to meet his needs but feel like I can’t. He is not happy-neither am I. We’ve discussed divorce a few times, but we really care about each other and always decide to try and work harder to make it work. We’ve gone to counseling a few times but neither of us have felt comfortable enough with the counselor to bring up these issues. I feel like I should just tell him to divorce me because I feel like I can never be the sex partner he needs. He is at the point now where he is resentful towards me and feels like I’m denying him. When he brings it up we’ll try to have sex but he gets frustrated because he can tell when it hurts me. Need help…
(USA) Maybe there is something about the sex act that is causing the problems. You mentioned that pain is causing you to have an issue. Is it possible that your cervix is being bumped causing discomfort? Is it possible that his girth is “too large”, causing the vagina to be stretched uncomfortably due to the width?
If the cervix is being bumped the husband can adjust his motion to stay in shallower depths. If it is a girth issue, you can use more lube or wait longer until the body naturally lubes itself.
Also does the husband have to have vaginal sex every time? Maybe while you guys work through your issues you can switch to other forms of sex.
(USA) I commend you for doing what you did and truly saving yourself for marriage especially with all the temptations in this corrupt world. I went from one nasty relationship since 14 years old and raped by the same guy that I eventually bore 3 kids with and married @ 19 to a sexless marriage. I can agree, it hurts my heart to discuss such a situation because my husband now, who married this young girl with 3 kids and a prior crackhead husband, is really an awesome man. I mean he is a good man and when I complain about our lack of sex in the relationship, he says how good he is in his own defense. I think that I fought myself a lot because it all happened so fast. I prayed in church that God would send me a good man that would except my girls and love us and take care of us unlike the marriage I was in at the time. I was really specific down to him being preferrably military because I felt they were stable and mature. I wasn’t flaunting after a military guy. I just moved to a small town and found out about the air force so I thought they might be good men. I also, because I am saved, asked God to fix up the one that had just walked out on me for crack again. I only asked that so I wouldn’t seem selfish but it’s not what I wanted at all.
Needless to say, I met my husband, now, the next day at church. I didn’t know he would be my husband and I wasn’t really interested in him but we talked so deeply and he was so nice and when he met the girls, his heart just melted. We clicked right off the bat. I did notice that he never pressured me for sex or disrespected me in any way and that was good but because of what I knew in life and where I came from where fornication is a virus, I thought what is wrong with him? He eventually told me that it was because he was scared to come at me like that because I was a Christian. That was awesome but at the time, I still wasn’t able to appreciate those words because of my background.
I eventually pressured him into sleeping with me by I guess, putting him down or really questioning what was wrong with me. I also had insecurities of him leaving me because he was too good to be true. I should not have done that because it was sin, not only against my body but against God. We did get married even after we almost were separated because he was pressured by friends not to be with me because I had baggage. He followed his heart, so I did get a divorce at 21 and remarried 4 months later at 21. I love him for that and because he is good but we have struggled since early on because I spend lots of money according to him and I’m not working a 9-5 but I’m an entrepreneur. Those are his views about me which he never disrespects me but he wishes I would get a real job and save lots of money, be totally child centered and educated.
I want a relationship with my spouse. He thinks that people should not be able to have kids if they don’t sacrifice their entire lives for the kids. I think there needs to be a balance. We need to work on our marriage also. I love the kids, which we do have 2 together now and he did adopt the girls. I also love my husband and want intimacy with him. He only wants to talk about the kids all the time and nothing else. The kids are now 19-9 years old. They are self relient and he still uses them as an excuse.
I feel like when we met, I was closest to God. Because of the blessing of a man that He sent me, maybe I took my eyes off of God and started looking for things in my husband. We have struggled in church and everything for years. To him, he is fine just warming the pew and going to church on Sunday morning and that’s it. The Airforce is his church and God. I want to be involved in church. I need more than just a “good” man. He needs to be God fearing and walking and talking and righteous because there are a lot of “good’ men that are still going to hell. I don’t want him to go there. I love him but now he won’t really even go to church anymore. I stopped or went in and out so he just stopped. Now I am back in and I ask him does he want to have Bible study with me before we go to sleep and he says no. He’d rather watch tv. Its scares me because this family is really vulnerable for all kinds of attacks from the enemy and they do come and we still don’t have a prayer life, a solid foundation in God or bible based marriage.
I would give all this up if I could have stayed where I was and had my relationship with God and the closeness and intimacy that I had with God and the church. I probably would still being single and chilling and loving life but I can’t go back and I hope that this marriage becomes grounded in the Lord or I don’t know what to do. Pray for me please because I feel like I am paying for my walk away from God which wasn’t evident in the beginning because I helped him get the Holy Ghost and baptized and we were in church as a family. Going, I might add, but not really in because he only wanted to go on Sundays cause the kids had school during the week and he had work. He would go though but I complained it wasn’t enough or some churches we just chose and weren’t sent there by God so I complained to now he just really doesn’t go anymore and is comfortable chilling on Sunday mornings and ok that his family is going to about 4-5 different churches. He thinks that because he’s not going to church that everything is good now. But he’s being decieved because he is the head of household not me. Nevertheless maybe this is why we never had a real solid intimate life with each other because we didn’t have on with God.
(USA) I agree 100%. We just had our 4 year anniversary & have been together for 10 years. I feel the exact same way. I am dying a little bit inside every single day. Some days I try to think that I don’t care, but I do. We have an 18 month old and just lost a baby a few weeks ago. I am wondering if at 27 years old, I am dooming my life away. We both have great jobs and people think we are so cute together, but I am so confused. I get the goodnight peck or the hello/goodbye peck. I want to kiss passionately & feel something.
I am not the type who goes looking for trouble, but I feel like if the right opportunity presented itself, I would cheat. That is so out of character for me, but I cannot beg and plead for him to seek counseling anymore. I love him like a best friend, but no longer like my husband and I don’t think it phases him at all anymore. I truly feel I deserve better because although he is a great guy and fantastic dad, he is not a lover or a great husband anymore. I am so sorry you are going through this too.
(USA) I saw your comment was recent and just wanted to throw in my sympathy…
My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have been married almost a year, no kids. It feels so dismal to already be losing any sort of romantic connection, and feel like he just doesn’t GET it. He is a once-a-month minute-man type when it comes to the bedroom and I could go everyday. If this is what it is now, am I really doomed to these feelings of being unattractive, frustrated, neglected, having made a mistake, etc for the rest of my life? (which seems to be your feelings too)
I sleep in nothing, do all the initiating, etc…. still no response. And you hate bringing it up because that turns into bickering and more hurt feelings which is even less conducive to romance.
I too always thought I would never cheat (and have been nearly tempted in the past but held firm), but with this kind of neglect, I’ve even started dreaming about it every night! Has anyone found help since they posted?
(EGYPT) I have exactly the same problem and don’t know what to do. I am very frustrated and feel that this is the end of it. I don’t know what to do and exactly like what you are saying, I start fantasizing about things and trying to live in the sex story that I don’t have. I don’t know what to do and need help. And I always thought that MEN ONLY THINK INSIDE THEIR PANTS :( WHAT A SHAME.
(CANADA) I feel bad to read all these problems but happier to know I not alone. I think about sex about every minute of my life. I’m only 31 and my sex life is about once a month (maybe) for about 3-5 minutes. We’ve been together for about 7 years (not married) our child is almost 3 and he blows me away with how great of a dad he is. I truly believe we would not be together if we didn’t had a child.
I’m so depressed I hate looking in the mirror, I feel so ugly, fat, short, my boobs are not big enough, my hair, legs, arms, etc are not nice enough. I’ve talked about it to him so many times. I’ve even told him I’m gonna grab the first man I see walking down the street and have my way with him…if he doesn’t start acting like a man (to put it nicely).
What bothers me the most is how I feel about myself now. I know I’m attractive but the way he makes me feel with non stop rejection is painful. It’s always the same reason “I’m tired or stressed out from work.” I don’t know what to do. I’ve done and tried everything a man could want, even asked a couple to join us (which didn’t work out). I’m tired of doing everything for him and getting nothing… There, I finally let it out… help please.
(IRELAND) I thought I was the only person that was abnormal here. But luckily, I’m not. It seems as if it’s becoming a trend or something. It’s so frustrating and upsetting. Me and my husband have been together for 5 years, married nearly 3 years, and have a 20 month gorgeous baby boy which we adore. I’m lucky to get intimacy once a month and only if I make the move.
I spoke to him about this issue before but he doesn’t seem to get it. We can’t really blame the baby that’s in the house. When we first met we were like the average couple, once or twice a week when we saw the other and were living in a different house. Once we moved in together it started going downhill. Like once a month, if lucky.
After getting married and having a baby, if I don’t make the move or like begging for it, I don’t even get that. I get rejection most os the time. I feel so cheap, unattractive, and sometimes feel worse than a prostitute. At least a prostitute is a profession where they get paid for doing it. I have to beg for it and I still get none. Once I tried to pretend to be someone else on the phone and tried to get him into a different character, pretending that we would be cheating on each other to spice up our sex — only to end up being told not to do stupid things like that any more. I wish I could pretend to cheat on him like getting dressed up and going out a few times to see what his reaction would be. Why haven’t I done this yet? Just to make him jealous or get some reaction out of him? I don’t want to cheat on him. I just want to make love to him — no one else. Why is it so hard to get it from him?
He is a good provider, a hard working man, a good father, and a really caring person. Am I asking too much here? Do you ever feel like you love the person so much and care about him so much and that’s why it hurts so much? If you didn’t love the person, it wouldn’t even bother you that much. You want intimacy and making love… not just have sex… there is a big difference. It seems the no intimacy thing is getting worse. I’ve found lately I get upset easily. He raises his voice to me, saying his love for me is meaningless. He used to give me a kiss every morning and nite, the flames are dying down… There’s no passion anymore. I’m crying here while writing this cause it hurts so much.
(UNITED STATES) I understand how you feel and what you are going through. I too have been married for the past 8 1/2 years to someone who doesn’t put any priority and value on our intimacy. From the moment that I first spoke with him, I knew that he was the right person for me in my life. He was kind, gentle yet strong. He was hard-working and loving and his heart was filled with God. But, from the moment that we were married things began to change. What began as a beautiful, passionate loving relationship turned into a monotonous, robot-like, passionless one. I have always been extremely attracted to my husband and when we are together it is amazing to me.
We have two children together, two boys, who we both love very much. I have always been a very passionate, loving woman who desires and needs to give love and receive love in return. I’m not ashamed to say this. This is who I am. My husband is thoughtful, giving and he’s a wonderful provider. But, the only issue we do have is that there is no intimacy any longer in our relationship. This started about 5 years ago. Well, the worst of it did. Our intimacy was not good at all (the frequency was low that when we would make love, and when we did it was not very memorable).
I tried to speak with him about many times and he said that I was right and that he would try harder to pay more attention to this in our relationship. But, it would only improve for a short time, and then it would go right back to the way it was. I was frustrated and I felt very alone. I didn’t feel as if there was anyone that I could speak with about this. The more I spoke with my husband, the more annoyed he became. So, I would stop trying to talk about it for a time to see if this would help. But, he went about his day and never bothered making any effort at all to try to improve things. I asked him if he still loved me and if he was attracted to me, he said yes, of course.
So, I asked why no matter what I did to get his attention, from lingerie, to initiating intimacy, cards, music, candles, massages, etc. he did nothing to respond to me. He told me he was tired, and stressed from work, and that he didn’t put much effort into that part of our relationship. I explained how important that part was to me (I even explained this to him before we were married and he asked me if I was prepared to receive all the love he had for me.)
Well, all that love never happened. He seems happy with the relationship the way it is. I am very unhappy, lonely and very frustrated. I don’t want to be with anyone else, but I find myself thinking often of the few relationships I had with other men before I met him. I find myself missing all of that again. Yet, I don’t love anyone else but my husband. He is my friend and my companion and I want to spend eternity with him… but, I don’t want to be miserable any longer.
When I was pregnant with our second son, he wouldn’t make love to me at all… in 2 years we made love 3 times.. and everytime was uneventful. I asked him to make love to me all the time when I was pregnant because I felt very sexy and wanted him more and more, but nothing happened. He seems content talking about work issues to me while I’m taking a shower in front of him and he never notices me at all. Even when I’m standing in front of him naked, he makes no effort at all.
I am very petite, but yet have curves in the right places. I have always been the same weight, 124 lbs in a 5’6” frame. So, I don’t think that it’s me physically that he doesn’t want. He has always prioritized his career more than anything else in his life. I’ve asked him if he has someone else, he always says no. If I don’t make an effort to start the intimacy, nothing happens. And, when I do, he just gets sleepy and puts no effort into it at all. When we are together…the last time was 5 months ago, it is really wonderful. But, that rarely happens.
I know I have a stronger sex drive than he does, but I don’t think that I can spend the rest of my life being ignored. At this point, saying “I love you” to him doesn’t feel very good. When he kisses me on the face, I don’t like it anymore. He knows that I am hurt by all of this. I recently told him that if things do not change, then we need to go our separate ways. He doesn’t take it seriously. He thinks we will be together forever, no matter how he treats me. He figures that because he is a good provider and a good father, I have nothing to complain about. He has no problem at all sexually, maybe his libido is low.
It’s difficult for me to look at him because I am very attracted to him, but I know that any flirtation or touch will lead nowhere. To me I don’t understand because I do everything that a woman could possibly do to make her man happy, I run my own company and raise two beautiful boys, and yet when he looks at me, I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have all of me… all the time. Especially when I’m willing and ready to do so. I’ve tried everything and nothing has changed. I desire to be loved completely, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I wish he showed me that he needed me and wanted me. Then my life would definitely be complete. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.
(U.S.A.) I understand completely! Yesterday was my 12 year anniversary. My husband never even said Happy Anniversary. I worked all day and I came home and he is out with some friends at a Halloween party. It’s now after 1am and I am by myself.
We have sex maybe once a month, with almost no kissing, hugging or even hand holding the rest of the time. I have wondered if it’s me, but even though I have gained weight since having our daughter, I am 39 but I still look in my late 20’s and everyone says I am still gorgeous and my figure is not bad, voluptuous (like Marilyn Monroe). I have wondered if he’s just not into me sexually anymore, but he says that he is. I have even wondered if he is homosexual, and have talked to him multiple times about my feelings of sexual abandonment and how it makes me feel. He says that he understands and that he will work on it, but he never does. I have even let him know that if he is homosexual, that I would be supportive. However, his answer is still that he is not.
I feel unappreciated and extremely sad a lot of the time. Sometimes I cry because I feel like he should be with someone he is attracted to, since I am obviously not what he wants. Although in my heart I know he loves me.
Sometimes I feel lucky that his libido is so low, because I know he’ll not cheat on me. I will never cheat either, because I love him so much. But I am tired of having to masturbate if I want to have an orgasm. And I feel jealous because I know that he masturbates, and if he does that, why not have sex?
I feel like we are roommates, or worse, that I am a ghost drifting through the house because he doesn’t notice me. He NEVER tells me that I look nice either. I used to get all dressed up for him in sexy clothes so he might be interested. But that stopped years ago because one day I put on a corset and gloves and thigh high boots, the whole 9 yards. And when he came home and I finally got him in the bedroom and was kissing him, he pulled away and told me that I should get dressed because we needed to go to the grocery store!
Not only that, but I have also stopped initiating sex because I know he doesn’t have any interest. He only has sex with me once a month because he knows I will complain otherwise. And, HOW can I feel like I want to have sex with him when I know that!? I am not going to force him to do something he doesn’t want to do…so I wait, and when I do get it, I don’t feel into it because I know it’s sympathy sex, so I don’t contribute that much. I don’t even give him oral sex often anymore, because I am at the point of why put any extra effort into it.
It is now almost 2 am, and he’s not here. I give up. I am going to bed.
(USA) This post is directed @ Cindy from Canada. Im a guy w/ a very strong sex drive. However, w/ all due to respect to you Cindy this is what seperates you from the other women posting here whom I have some empathy for…You stated “I think about sex about every minute of my life.”(verbatim) While I can understand you being deprived, you have pent up feelings and you’re “starved” (sexually). BUT I have to say this & I will do so on “egg shells” As strong of a sex drive as I have – as the man I know I am, I can say you very definitely have the signs of being a Nymphomaniac.
I’m not berating you, please do not be offended. If you think about sex literally as you stated you do have some problems. Are you a stay at home mom? Refuse to work? Don’t have many hobbies or interests? Do you sit on your PC looking at porn? It’s not healthy to think about sex every minute. There is so much more to life & your life should not revolve around sex (every minute, as you put it) and if it does, I would suggest personal 1-on-1 therapy. Even if you were to get plenty of sex, I can ascertain that you would still not be satisfied.
Nymphomania is a unquenching desire for sex that literally can never be quelled. In fact, the more a Nympho receives it the more she will want it. You know you’re a Nymphomanic when sex is the all consuming thought. I’m not giving your man a pass here, Cindy; he’s not keepin his end of the deal. BUT even if he was, you wouldn’t be sexually content either. One thing I’ve noticed b/c I have been around the block many a times, unemployed stay at home moms w/too much time on their hands tend to be the ones that are over-top sexually frustrated & have obscure sexual tastes as well.
I think this is your problem. You need more to do more with your life. You are the only woman on this forum that just doesn’t mesh with the rest of women posting. These other women are literally sexually deprived and would be content with 3-5 times a week. There’s a woman here whose husband performs for 2-5 minutes and she gets it once a month if she is lucky. I cannot truly feel empathy for you as I do her. Sorry, Cindy, the truth hurts & you definately need counseling.
(UNITED STATES) I understand everyone! I’m so frustrated with my marriage. Me and my husband have been 2gether for almost 13yrs. We’ve been married 9 out of the 13. We’ve been 2gether since we were in high school. We have 3 children and live a pretty hectic life. Like everyone else we want to give the best for our kids. For the past year(maybe longer) our sex life really has gone down hill BAD. “Normal Sex Amount” for us WAS about 2 or 3 times a month. But most recently we havent had sex in over a month. By the time, we get home from work,school baseball games etc., there’s seems to be no time for US. I’m usually EXTREMELY TIRED, or he decided that he wanted to catch up on the PS3.(ughh) We sit on seperate couches,i usually will head to bed first, then he will come to bed once he finishes his game. So by that time, i’m out like a light. I remeber the days we’re we would SERIOUSLY go 7times a day. I know that almost impossible now, but i would love for our sex life to improve significantly. PLEASE HELP!!
(USA) What a blessing to find this message board! I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years. Very early on in our marriage, my husband took a lot of interest in ME and in SEX. Very quickly that started to wane. He would not initiate sex any more. When I initiated (at least every other day) he would either respond… or withhold. I would try various ways to get him “going”…such as kissing him passionately, wearing nice lingerie, telling him that I wanted him, etc. More often than not…he would reject me…saying he was too tired, too stressed, etc.
I keep myself physically fit, and am considered to be very attractive. He rarely touches me except for when he wants to have sex. He will hold my hand and thinks that doing this is really something special…
On his birthday (the first year after we were married)… I gave him the “gift” of sex every single day. It was something that I had read about and really wanted to do. I wanted it for both of us because our love life had really become very poor. He was all excited about it… and it went well for the first 2-3 months… then he became dis-interested and made up excuses why he didn’t want to have sex.
For the past two years we have argued many times about this. He gets VERY angry at me for not having sex enough. He never initiates… and I find it kind of crazy that he is complaining about something that he could have control over. I would never refuse him if he did. I have told him that and reassured him of that many times over.
I continue to initiate, and he continues to either withhold or will respond half-heartedly. He DOES continue to be angry about the amount of sex that we have.
Last night, I asked him to please start initiating and take that responsiblity for the next few months if he is so unhappy about how I am doing it. HE REFUSED!!!
I am at my wit’s end…I feel like there is no pleasing him whatsoever. He told me that our sex life is a “1” on a scale of 0-10….and that he considers me now just to be a good friend.
For the last 3 years… I have initiated sex often and in many different ways. He likes to control the outcome… either having sex or not. Sometimes I feel like the reason HE doesn’t initiate is because I will have control over the outcome??? Your thoughts and comments are much appreciated. Thank you.
(USA) Carol, you are a good wife! I love how you put that you nourish your husband with the GIFT of sex every single day. There are so many gifts we can give one another.
On the problem with your husband, it sounds like you want to give it to him, but he does not want to ever initiate. So he will not take it when it’s there. He complains about this, and it literally drives you crazy because YOU know he can have it when he pretty much wants to.
He may be playing this particular game with you, due to an esteem issue. You said you are taking very good care of your physical persona. Perhaps he is turned off due to not taking care of himself, and it makes him feel badly about himself in comparison.
You sound like a great and loving wife.
(USA) I’ve been with my spouse for 21 years (we went to prom together back in the 80s), and married for 14. I love her dearly, and can’t imagine a day without her. However, we’ve been having intimacy issues for the past couple of years. Honestly, ever since the birth of our second child, things have been…dry. I thought 2009 was the worst year, from an intimacy perspective, ever. I think we had sex 3 times. 2010 stands to be just as bad…the only time this year was Valentine’s Day. We’ve had a couple close calls, but no cigar. She never initiates, and when I do…it’s as if I can do no right. Everything I do either tickles, freaks her out, or comes across as (ironically) too tentative, or too pushy. It’s not that all I want is sex. I want the whole enchilada. It’s as if she withholds all intimacy for fear of me wanting sex (Why can’t we just cuddle, she says). It’s just that (a) I really like it [and never get it, so every ‘intimate moment’ I just try to capitalize on], (b) I kinda need it to validate myself, and my worth in our relationship, and (c) I just want to connect with her on that level again.
It’s not like I’m a slacker Dad. I’m involved in the kids’ lives. I make dinner. I clean the dishes. I mow the grass, am the sole breadwinner, and do EVERYTHING that I can do to hold up my end of the deal here. All I want is to be “wanted”.
I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish I knew how to fix it. Any advice would be fantastic.
(USA) What you may be doing wrong is that you are doing everything right.
(USA) Hi Daddy L… I am not sure what you mean by your comment. I was wondering if you could explain.
Like many others on this board, I am very frustrated by my husband’s lack of attention and affection towards me… but yet he wants me to be the one to initiate sex all the time… and for me to have the “burden” of responsibility for that whole area of our relationship.
A woman knows when her husband “wants” her… and I just don’t see it from my husband unless I get things moving along first. I asked him if he has been “self-satisfying”…and he said “yes”…and I asked him how often… and he said “very often”. Come to find out that this has been going on for a long, long time.
No wonder he has no desire towards me… his sex drive is satisfied by his own hand. It makes me feel very betrayed. It would be different if I told him that I don’t want to make love… but I tell him that I DO… and that I miss him… and that I want him. Nothing I do is ever good enough in his eyes… he is never content.
(USA) Carol, You and your husband may be on some wierd “power dynamic” where he won’t initiate because he loses some “upper hand”. When “power” gets into relationships, it usually messes everything up.
I believe your husband should show he desires you and I’m just not believing that the palm of the hand can be the source of his sexual desire. It’s possible that he is also in an affair and using his sexual attention towards someone else.
I know what you mean when you say “nothing you do is good enough in his eyes.” It’s a bad feeling and I am learning that some people do this to others who are having esteem issues of their own. They will treat their relationship partner poorly due to their lack of self-worth. Some of them are not aware that they do this.
I’d encourage him to intiate sexual actions or to indicate desire and love for you on some of the occasions. I know that the way things are going on today is emotionally draining for you.
(US) My x was the same way he would please himself rather than us doing it together. I always asked why and one day he finally told me it was because I took long!! This was because I wanted more than a quickie. Through out our 10 yr marriage I found out he was looking at porn online and lied constantly. Eventually we went to Christian counseling separately before together and when the counselors got together they both decided that it would be best if we went our separate ways. I had been sexually abused as a child he used it against me and was also very verbally abusive. He showed no remorse and I had a lot of resentment. I do not condone divorce but feel choosing pornography and masturbation to sex with your spouse is equivalent to adultery.
(USA) Eric, I am on the other side of this, in my own marriage. Here are my (encouraging) words to you. 1) I love my husband and find him attractive. In fact, everyone does. He just happens to be voted as one of the top hottest men in our area code! He is the breadwinner, and I appreciate that. I think he is an awesome father. My unwillingness to have sex does not reflect on these qualities whatsoever. 2) Unfortunately, my husband also tries to “capitalize on” every intimate moment that could possibly lead to IT. I know this, I see it coming, and it hurts me that he can’t just love me for me without expecting sex in return.
I would love him to rub my back because he wants to show love to me rather than because he has an ulterior motive. And he always has THE ulterior motive. This is offensive. I reiterate: I wish he loved me without the “sex factor”. I recommend… showing her you love her and don’t expect sex. Back rub, but no sex. Snuggle, but no sex. After a month of doing this without having sex, she might stop resenting the “capitalizing”.
(USA) I found this and thought I should share for it’s the secret to having a very great marriage and this is a key to a successful life. Stay blessed.
Understanding Spirit, Soul, And Body -By Andrew Wommack. It reads: “Did you know a Christian can actually die from sickness or disease while the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lies dormant within them? Or did you know that believers can be overcome with depression, anger, and bitterness, all the while possessing God’s love, joy, and peace in their spirits?” To read more, go to: http://www.awmi.net/extra/article/spirit_soul
(USA) It saddens me greatly to see all these women on here that have these problems that I myself share. I’m a 30 year old guy, I’m with someone that’s a few years younger them me. See what gets me, is from what I’ve read most of you ladies are married, have kids, or something of that sort.
We dont have kids, we aren’t married yet… everything’s great, except the obvious thing that brings me here. Our sex life is pretty much non existant. Once a month if I’m lucky. I’ve tried romancing her… taking her out on dates to set the mood to the best of my ability. But in the end I usually get turned down. Now her reasoning which I understand, is the fact that she has anxiety issues that mess with her arousal moods. However, now that she’s on meds for it, she’s doing ok. I just guess I hoped it would help that too.
After a while I’m sure the guys would agree with me on this… it’s hard to romance a woman when all the body wants is to ravage. If you understand what I mean by that anyhow. I’ve tried talking to her about it and her reasoning is always the same… she’ll even tease me by getting into provocative positions while clothed… rubbing me before bed. But never anything further. And I think she starts to sense my frustration at times cause she responds with “I love you.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love her to death, we’ve known each other for a long time. It just in the end makes me feel unattractive. I don’t wanna leave cause of sex, to me that’s not the greatest excuse. But I don’t know what to do anymore. Anyhow… I’m just glad I’m not the only one that has his problem. I wish you all the best.
(USA) Wow… I have said the same thing to myself over and over that you are saying. I too feel that I have a roommate, not a husband. We have been together for 5 years and have a three year old. I have not had sex with my husband in 8 months and we do not sleep in the same bed either. He sleeps on the couch and me in the bedroom. I have asked and asked about sex and he says the same thing every time, he is not a machine, and that he has no sex drive at all. He says it’s not me but I can’t help feeling like it is.
We do have a large age gap. I am 32 and he is 47. However, when we met we had a great sex life. It has just been since we had our daughter that we have no sex life. I am so frustrated at this point. I did have an affair… I only did it one time and will not do it again but it just felt so good to be wanted by someone. My husband and I have no contact at all. He does not kiss me, hug me, he won’t even sit on the couch with me and watch a movie.
I don’t want to wake up 40 and be in the same situation. I am thinking about divorce but it makes me feel so bad to think about splitting up my family, as my husband really loves his daugnhter and really, for the most part, is a great dad. I want a husband not a roomate… this sux. He swears he is not having sex with someone else, but something is really wrong.
(USA) Hi, Thank you all so much for this post and the reply’s. It has made me realize that there is something wrong with me. I am 32 and should be getting close to my peak of sexual desire, but if left to my own devices I am only interested in sex about once a month.
When I was younger my husband and I were like rabbits. We have been together for almost 16 years and married for 6. We don’t have any kids. My husband is to the point where he feels like he should just get used to not having sex. I feel so terrible right now because I am making him feel this way. I don’t turn down his advances but he is tired of being the one that makes sure we have a sex life. I love him so much and am at a loss as to what to do now. I am thinking about herbal supplements and am setting up an appointment with my doctor. I was hoping that someone here might be able to give me some advice, or have been in a similar situaton and managed to resolve it. Thank you all again.
(USA) I can relate to a lot of you. I have been married 20 years and I am lucky if I can get my wife to have sex once a month. I have never cheated but have had numerous opportunities over the years which I have turned down. We have talked about the infrequency before which almost always ends up in an argument. She says that we are in the average range for having sex. I completely disagree…
(USA) I feel really bad for all those who are going through this in there marriage. I’ve been married over 20 years and can’t imagine the pain of not getting my sexual needs met by my husband. I think there’s a misconception in the term “average range for having sex”. When one is not getting their sexual needs met it ties into so many other aspects of the relationship. In my experience communication is the key, being able to verbalize what you want and being specific. No one is a mind reader. Fulfilling each others fantasy’s and keeping romance and a lot of spice is required, it’s that genuine desire for one another.
There are natural herbs that will boost your sex drive, for those who are wanting something like that. I have several girlfriends who are going through not getting enough from their hubby. In all of their cases, their man is looking or very addicted to porn, which probably produces a cycle, he does this, she does that, she does this, he does that. I would be looking for what is the cycle and try to break it. God Bless.