So, you haven’t had much sex with your spouse lately, huh? How much sex is normal? Well, one in five couples are living in “sexless” marriages, sex experts say, meaning having sex fewer than 10 times a year. And one-third of married couples struggle with the problem of mismatched sexual desire. It’s the main reason couples seek counseling. And in Silicon Valley, [California] where couples are working long hours to pay high mortgages or are desperately searching for jobs during a recession, fatigue and stress only make matters worse.
“I’ve been married 10 years. There were times when once in three months was a good thing,” said a 33-year-old Santa Clara County employee who didn’t want her name used. “It’s feeding the kids, getting them to bed, all after putting in a full day and commuting. I have a ‘no-sex-after-8 o’clock’ rule. When I crawl into bed, I want to go to sleep.”
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive is such a problem,” said Al Cooper of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre. It’s considered the “common cold of sexual issues of the new millennium.”
Whether sex drives are lower in general now than in years past is uncertain. But one thing is sure, Cooper said: “Women are complaining more.” When it comes to seeking counseling, it’s the women who are dragging the men into sex therapy offices. And in these instances, contrary to popular belief, it’s the husbands with low desire. “In our society, it’s more culturally acceptable for the woman to have no sex drive,” Cooper said. “When the man has no sex drive, it’s more upsetting to both of them.”
Sexless marriages seem to be the constant talk these days. You hear it from Oprah and Dr. Phil (who calls it an “undeniable epidemic”) to numerous books climbing the bestseller charts, including “The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner Davis. New York Magazine wrote a recent story about “Generation Sexless.” Young New Yorkers are so busy with their careers and demanding toddlers they have little time or desire for sex.
How Much is Normal?
So, how much sex is “normal?” Sex experts are reluctant to quantify how much sex is enough sex. (It could make some couples feel wholly inadequate, and some couples get along just fine without much sex.) But while fewer than 10 times a year is considered sexless, having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
“Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements,” said Weiner Davis, who wrote The Sex-Starved Marriage. “If both spouses are satisfied with having a sex-lite marriage, that’s great. However, it’s much more often the case that couples are polarized. It’s normal that one person is unhappy with the quality and quantity of their sex life and the other is saying, ‘What’s the big deal? Get a life.'”
Only 40% of married couples say they’re very satisfied with their sex lives, Weiner Davis said. While medical problems and some medications can cause loss of desire —including some antidepressants and some birth control pills —most problems revolve around differing and unfulfilled expectations.
Heather and Jarad, who have been married for 5 years and have a 6-month-old daughter, say it’s hard to squeeze in time for sex, or to even work up the desire, in their hectic lives. The couple, who commute to San Jose from Hollister each day, say they’re lucky to have sex twice, maybe three times, a month. “It’s the game of trying to slip it in when the baby’s sleeping,” Jarad said. “It’s a fight for time.” “There are times when I may want to. Perhaps he may not want to,” Heather added. “It’s important for me to have that time to remember I’m not just a mother, I’m his wife.”
Changes in What is Normal
Dramatic changes in men’s and women’s roles over the past decades also have altered expectations of marriage —and corresponding feelings about sex.
“I look back to my parents’ generation. They had it a little easier. Their roles were carved out,” Weiner Davis said. “Now in relationships, although we have a lot more freedom, it’s hard, because everything is up for grabs. Who takes the garbage out? Who gets up with the baby? In a sense we have to invent our marriages. And with that freedom comes conflict.”
In addition to stress and exhaustion, experts say, anger and resentment can build to the point where sex stops. Other factors in sexless marriages include subverting one’s sex drive to, say, pornographic Internet sites or affairs with other people. “I saw a doctor last week who wasn’t having sex with his wife but was looking at pictures of big-breasted women on the Internet,” Cooper said. “We see this a lot in the valley.”
Negotiate the Times
In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex, Cooper said. No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly, he said. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.
“If it becomes a major battle every time, the person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex. The one with the high sex drive feels constantly deprived, and the fights get more intense each time,” Cooper said. “We see there that the sex just drops away.” And when the sex stops, often the casual affection stops. The hand-holding, the laughing at each other’s jokes, the sitting next to each other on the couch all stop. When relationships become that icy, they risk infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.”
Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children, she said. Set the mood early in the day with simple flirtations around the house, a patting on the rear end, complimenting the spouse’s appearance. And of course, avoid bickering before bedtime. Couples with more deep-seated problems should seek counseling.
Is it Normal for you Not to Be in the Mood?
“I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said ‘I wasn’t in the mood when I started, but I really got into it,'” she said. “One of the best ways to make it happen is to be receptive to your spouse’s advances.”
It’s advice that the 33-year-old woman with the “no-sex-after-8” rule didn’t take. She and her husband are separating. “The world is just very busy,” she said. “You need to have a two-income household. You pay a price for it.”
This article came from The Mercury News— Feb. 14, 2003. It was titled, Is it the New Epidemic? written by Julia Prodis Sulek. It’s not written from a Christ-follower’s view point but we think it’s very sound advice.
We, at Marriage Missions, don’t feel that God would have us “pay the price” of sacrificing our marriages because we’re too “busy” to have sex. Scripturally we feel that God wants us to work with each other. That is as long as it doesn’t go against scriptural grounds, to accommodate each other’s sexual needs.
Scriptures Concerning Sex
The scriptural basis we see for this can be found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 where it says,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Below is an additional article on what is normal in how often you and your spouse make love. It also addresses some of the issues mentioned above, and gives suggestions to help you in the ways you may need it:
• Sexual Frequency in Marriage: 3 Common Questions
You can also read about other specifics on this matter in the SEXUAL ISSUES topic. Just take your pick of what you want to read.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(SOUTH AFRICA) You need to be strong for the sake of your children and give it some time. Maybe something is on his mind.
(AUSTRALIA) Huh, I thought this only happened to me. I am married to a beautiful lady (over 20 yrs), who doesn’t do sexy anymore. Everything else is more important. She doesn’t have time to make love. I have given up hoping for it – just leaves to frustration on my part. Over the past 10 or 15 years she has gradually reduced what I’m allowed to say. I’m no longer permitted to touch certain parts – oral sex is basically a one way street (and it ain’t going my way!) etc etc etc. I’ve given up trying, the sex is down to a quickie once a week, maybe, most of the time (if I’m lucky). Everything in our life has become what she wants, where she wants, how she wants. If I say anything I’m picking a fight.
I reckon we’ll be down to nil sex in another year or two – she actually used to tell me she can live without sex (that and no are her favourite words). There’s an old joke – men are like tiles, lay them right once and you can walk all over them. That pretty well covers us.
(USA) Chris, This sounds familiar. I believe the pattern your wife is showing indicates that over time she is becoming more “self centered”. It’s obvious she’s compartamentalizing you and her involvement with you, and it’s not erroring on the side of more sex or intimacy. It’s funny how she wants to also limit your communication.
I’m going to describe my situation and the trend in it and I will think you find it similar.
1. When things where good: Wife used to listen to me talk, and actively communicate, even if it was a subject that she had no experience in. Today: Wife does not like to communicate to me. She will moderate or limit what I’m allowed to say, easy and quick to anger.
2. When things were good: wife used a tone of voice and body language that would draw me in, one that was attractive. It was lovely. Today: Wife uses an obscene tone of voice, also body language is aggressive and predatory. She is very short in conversations.
3. When things where good: wife would like to watch me do activities, or spend time with me. For example, we felt pretty good watching a TV program together, and there was no rush of time. Another, is I could be working on my car or something, the wife would admire me or come and see what I am doing. Today: We don’t do anything together anymore. If I am in her physical presence she gets angry. If the activity is something she is not familar with, she will not spend time with me.
4. When things here good: Wife would go out of her way for me. Helped me a lot. For example on the way home from work I could say “honey, when you pass by the store can you please get me item XXX?” Today: I dare not ask any such question. Wife will not divert her path for me. It’s obvious she does not want to spend time on me. All of her plans do not involve me or consider whether they are setting me back.
5. When things where good: We made love (ML) almost every day. If I went to bed before her, she would initiate. There was no rush in time, and the sky was the limit with respect to variety or location. Today: Sex rate dropped to 2 times a month in 2008, and I did it 5 times in 2009 to today.
6. When things where good: wife was all over me, in front of anyone. She would rub my shoulders, liked laying in the bed with me, sitting on my lap. Today: She moved me to a separate bed room and put the kids in the bed with her. Then she moved me out to a hotel. She does not like to be close to me, actively running.
7. When things where good: wife loved cooking for me, helping me out, iron clothes, many many acts of service which were obviously reciprocated. We LOVED each other. Today: Wife will cook for her and the kids, and not prepare anything for me.
8. When things were good: My wife and I shared the “center”. So it was focused on the relationship. IF I did well or got promoted, she carried a lot of pride in it, living through each other. Today: Wife tends to go against me in a negative competitive manner.
9. When things were good: My wife gave me respect and also “social protection”. So she wouldn’t go airing my dirty laundry, or embarrass me in front of large groups. She would also respect my affairs, and any plans of hers would account for whether they would affect me. Today: Wife does not show me respect and will embarrass me in a heartbeat in front of a crowd of people. Her plans do not take into account any of my logistic, and many of them will even set me back in various ways and she does not care that it does so.
All of my stuff really got blown out starting in 2007 when she cheated on me. During her affair she stopped having sex with me, and pretty much shut off or reduced many behaviors and acts of service. During and after her affair, she initially had a guilt, but reversed it into anger at me to preserve her ego. I couldn’t do anything right over this time period. Much of what was lost was never recovered, and any thing that was slightly recovered was lost again as we do not live together.
What your wife is doing is a bad trend. You know as well as I, that if you take care of the relationship, that you can have that intense desire and love forever. It is likely that your wife has cheated on you, and it would be a logical reason for why many of the acts were removed or reduced.
I wish you luck, and I think you should start a list of “delliverables” and determine what has changed for the worse. See if you can start working on one item and reverse it.
Also, it may be that your wife has reduced her desire for you due to a physical thing. Weight gain, or maybe you don’t have a lot of life energy in you. Make yourself attractive to almost anyone who would be interested in you, do it for yourself – and your wife may just bite.
(USA) The affair got it’s own paragraph, so I don’t see how it could be missed,
“All of my stuff really got blown out starting in 2007 when she cheated on me. During her affair she stopped having sex with me, and pretty much shut off or reduced many behaviors and acts of service. During and after her affair, she initially had a guilt, but reversed it into anger at me to preserve her ego. I couldn’t do anything right over this time period. Much of what was lost was never recovered, and any thing that was slightly recovered was lost again as we do not live together.”
I’m thinking that is or was the biggest rock in the jar.
(AUSTRALIA) Tony, I was in fact responding to Chris, not DaddyL.
(AUSTRALIA) Maybe it would help to start by asking your wife what she wants or what is bothering her. Don’t make assumptions; don’t tell her your complaints. Ask her if something you do is bothering her. Ask her what she needs. Then listen to what she is really saying. If you get defensive, it won’t work. Just listen and keep asking for feedback. Women will respond when their needs are met. If yours doesn’t, it’s time to get professional support.
(USA) Maybe SHE needs to check with him. After all, she’s the one who had the affair, etc.
Al, normally your advice would be spot on. However, his wife has acted in an abusive fashion by having an affair. I suggest that if this is still on-going, that he treat her like the abuser she’s demonstrated she is and separate until she is a safe spouse.
(AUSTRALIA) Oh, Christ didn’t mention anything about an affair. I must have missed it.
(USA) Al, Women have needs as men have needs. What if some long term behavior patterns in our wife have changed? It could have changed just due to her growing up, new experiences, or a new crowd that she is listening too. If it changes for the worst, there will be problems.
I guess what I’m getting at in short, is when one is unhappy or both are unhappy, perhaps both need to listen to each other.
In my case, it would be me listening to a wife who simply does not give as much of her self anymore, and is looking for quick returns back to her. Plus, she has it in her mind that she will not “answer to me.” I know I’m not the only one. These behaviors and viewpoints took years to solidify, over the time that her direction was changing, there was much argumentation – for the obvious reason. We don’t “fit together”, like we used to.
She is focused on the change in me, where much of it is that she makes being around her more unbearable. She does not want me to be comfortable around her or to feel secure, she said this in her own words.
Many times we have to look at the recent picture, say the last 3 years. “Is this person someone I trust and I want to be with?” Sometimes they have de-volved into a person that you can’t do this with. We may account for the MLC and give them time to come out of it, but there are no guarantees.
(AUSTRALIA) If you already know what the problem is, you obviously don’t need to ask. I was more directing the answer to Chris, who seemed to be clueless about why his wife was distant and unresponsive toward him.
(CANADA) J. I feel the same way. Before marriage, our sex life was great. We lived separately while dating and sex was served each time we met. But after tying the knot, sex is basically once every 10 days and only when I give a massage to her and it had to be a quicki. My wife acts like a piece of log during this time too. Marriage has been so far, less than two years and I feel depressed. We do cuddle and say “I love you” many times. Once in a while she’ll be teasing me and talk flirtive, but it ends up just a foreplay on words and no action. I’ve tried initiating many times but it ends up nil.
We are not even 30 yet and it feels like we turned ninety. Why tease me and yet no action? When there is action, it’s usually me doing a log. I’m so sex depressed. I do romantic stuff and cook dinner, and do the cleaning so that we have the whole night stress free. There is now no oral or foreplay prior to a quickie. Do we need therapy? I told wife when I needed sex, and she usually says it’s too late or she’s not in the mood. I just don’t know.
(USA) I know these posts are old, but in reading them, it’s so reflective of my married life. I, with you, am experiencing a wife that “maybe” allows “courtesy sex”, but it’s to the point now where she’s my roommate-living with me, sharing the costs.
I recently had a cancer scare, and she acted like I never told her ANYTHING. To me, I was “on my own”, no words of interest, no words of encourgement -but the most painful-no hug! If she would’ve just put her arms around me, acknowledging we’re “in this to win this”, I would’ve LOVED HER MORE THAN I DO! As of now, she’s an income ’cause we’re ROOMMATES!
(USA) Though this forum is old, I can relate to you, except I am the woman. My husband sends me hot text messages during the day promising great sex, only after I get ready for bed, I come out of the bathroom to find him sleeping already! I get so frustrated, I end up masterbating in the bathroom while he sleeps.
My sex drive is high right now. I am 40 and my husband is the same. I am a good looking woman who is physically fit… I’m starting to feel like he is telling me he wants it because he thinks that is what I want to hear. But I want action to go along with the talk!
(USA) Actually, I have that situation with my husband, but I’m in your position. My husband is very attractive (model/actor), but I’m not unattractive. I’m 5’6″ and 115 lb. and no guy can say he doesn’t look at me twice walking down the street. But I can’t compete with porn or random average girls he sees on a daily basis apparently. We haven’t even had a long relationship, and I’m in my mid 20s he’ just 30. I’m always up for sex, twice a day or more, if possible. But it’s always on his terms. He works very long hours 11 am to 11 pm. That + the commute puts us at around 2 hours of face time per weekday.
I work just as long hours and have a longer commute, but I never turn him down for sex. He would never perform oral sex on me (and according to him on any woman), even if I do for him. And it’s extremely embarrassing (especially for a woman) when even trying to do that or trying something cute/flirty to initiate him into having sex with me receives rejection or even anger from him. And usually it’s things like “why are you touching me?? I’m not even done eating dinner yet.” Who says stuff like that??
To add to my own humiliation, I never reject him when he initiates because it has become so rare. When we do have sex, it feels like another way for him to masturbate. Far from the days when we use to make love. He doesn’t look at me or puts us in a position where I’m turned around and he just watches TV while doing it till he’s done. And that’s it. It does end up being quickies around the house, in bathrooms/kitchens/hallways. I guess for him it’s a way to add excitement, but for me it’s just annoying because it’s uncomfortable and feels like a waste of the rare chance we get to do it but I still do it to make him happy. It’s not women who are selfish. Some people are just selfish in a relationship where they know their spouse is always ready to offer them everything even if they get disrespected.
(USA) I’m glad I found this forum. I am 36 years old. I feel like I am a pretty good looking guy. I take care of myself physically and I’m in good shape. My wife has struggled with body image issues, addiction and gender identity issues as well. There’s a lot at play here, but the bottom line is that she has no desire for sex at all. We have sex on average between once a month and once every 3 months. When we do have sex it feels more like it’s her fulfilling her duty than passionate lovemaking. She isn’t affectionate either she doesn’t really like to be held much and even when we do have sex she doesn’t really like to be touched much. She says that I’m too heavy (I weigh 160lbs) and that she feels “squished.” The only thing that keeps me hopeful is the fact that she’s willing to receive counseling.
(MYS) I had been married for 20 years. Lately, I found my husband was looking for a prostitute. He told me that it was because of the pressure and stress of work and he needed entertainment. But, I knew that was not the first time he was with the prostitute. He was asking for forgiveness. What can I do? Till today I still cannot forget he had cheated on me. Often, I ask for sex but he will try to push me away saying he is tired. What can I do to improve it? or……
(SOUTH AFRICA) We are a married couple and work hard and crawl tired into bed most evenings after 12pm. But we are never too tired for intimacy with each other every day, and refuse to accept that excuse- because it energises me as a woman especially if I am very tired. It relaxes me if I’m stressed and keeps us happy because our physical needs are satisfied. We also sleep better.
You don’t have to make huge efforts every day, but keep it flavorful. Do something different and very special on occasions when there is time available. You won’t believe how much it helps to open up communication between us, and keep the fires of our marriage relationship stoked.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Cindy, Understand your husband. He is currently lost and does not know what to do, Trust me. I am in the same situation as him. Understand him more and listen to him. I do hope he changes his ways. He was lost and hopefully he finds his path back to you. I used to do that before (online chatting with hookers), but when I realized that it might hurt my wife and family, I stopped.
(USA) I’m a woman living in a sexless marriage. It’s horrible. I felt like a freak because usually men are the ones who complain about no sex but this website has changed my mind. Our children are 11 and 8 now, and don’t need as much care. I don’t understand why my husband has no sex drive. He says it’s stress about his job. What’s worse is the few times he’s been interested lately he’s had problems with ED. I feel so depressed.
(USA) Cindy, Is the husband willing to check into this problem? Just because he doesn’t feel like he has a need, doesn’t mean he should be ignoring your need. It is real and valid, and valid if the roles where reversed.
If he has any care in this matter, he would not mind going to get a blood test done to see if his testosterone is low. Sometimes stress and not taking care of yourself can drop your hormones down and it will drag the sex drive down with it. The ED can be stress related or perhaps he anxiety or performance concern. Allow him to work on it with you.
(USA) Well, where to begin. I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years now. I am 38 and he is 46. We decided to have a baby in 2008 – and after conceiving our daughter in Oct of 2008 we have not had sex since…After the doctor said we could resume our “normal” activity – he kept coming up with reasons not to be intimate. I was busy with a new born and the months rolled on.
Now, that it has been 12 months since her birth… I am at a complete loss of what to do. During my pregnancy – the doctor had us abstain from sex – I had a very high risk pregnancy… so I understood that time. But now, to have gone a complete year without any contact – I just know it is wrong on so many levels. He is very busy with work… but he was before. I have not changed physically… in fact I am 5 lbs lighter than before I was pregnant. It’s just killing my slowly every day. My self esteem is at an all time low.
(USA) Olivia, Its amazing someone can go a year, and their partners needs don’t even cross their mind. Being busy, not having enough time, not feeling like it are EXCUSES. There is always enough time.
I was reading an article and it said that even if you consider your partners needs and what is important to them for even 10 to 15 minutes per day, that is enough to start making a “good relationship”. In many of our cases, the spouse may not even have spent a grand sum total of 10 to 15 minutes in a whole month thinking about whats important to us, they may have even spent literally ZERO minutes considering what is important to us…
Its not trivial, and its not childish to worry about this. It’s part of marriage and ANY relationship, even a friendship where there is no physical intimacy. I’d look at getting outside help at getting your husband to open up to you, church based and a sexual counselor perhaps. But the problem is always going to be that if the partner does not think there is a problem, and the partner does not want to fix it – it’s not going to be fixed. You will have a problem.
Consider how much time you are willing to ignore your needs before shifting gears. So I’d look at church based councelling and a sexual/maritial counselor. After some amount of time after this you are going to have to shift gears on him, and this is going to be cheating or leaving. Starting the divorce process.
There are a great many people out in the world who have been in your same shoes, who will make sure they NEVER do this to someone they care about. Me, I’m going to treat mine like a billion dollars. So there you have it.
(ZIMBABWE) I am 28 been married 1 and half years. My husband only initiates sex once or twice a month and I am frustrated. Sometimes he says sex is not important; sometimes he gives all sorts of excuses e.g my brother is sick or am trying to make money so I don’t have the energy. I’m frustrated. I can’t imagine 1 more year into the marriage. He hardly spends time with me; he is always with the boys or with his brother.
I haven’t conceived in one year and I think it’s becoz there is hardly any sex in the marriage. I really don’t know what to do. All I ever asked from him was sex only once or twice a week but he rejects me all the time. Please help.
(UNITED STATES) I can only be thankful that I’m not in the same situation that many of you are. My wife and I have been married for two years, and our marriage is the healthiest I think I have ever seen. We have our problems, as anyone will, but they rarely touch our marriage… and there are some very specific and explainable reasons for it.
For many of you, both men and women, it sounds to me as if the problem you are having goes much deeper than a simple problem with sex. You have problems with selfishness and/or communication issues on the part of your spouses/partners (and probably with defense mechanisms in yourselves).
Let me start off by telling you about one of my problems… I used to have a terrible pornography addiction. It started before I was even eleven years old when I started having sexual fantasies. I spent the next seven to ten years in hell. When I was about nineteen, God broke the power of pornography in my life. I could have been free of it, but by then I had so worn myself out I didn’t have the willpower any longer to walk out the change. It took until I was twenty-two years old to really begin changing the old habits. That was when I met my wife.
There are still times when I have to fight those old urges… And there are times when I lose the battle and give in. It happens less and less, lately. I’m learning that it is possible to WIN that terrible fight, but there are times that it has put a strain on us both. (This is one of many problems that we have. We fight money problems, the demands of a new baby, various physical and health problems, relationship issues with parents and siblings, and all the other battles that people in this fallen world fight. We are not perfect.)
Our relationship, however, is still the healthiest I’ve ever seen, despite the fact that my wife has known about every single mistake I have made and every single battle I have lost. The best hope and help that I can offer you is to tell you, as best as I am able, what my wife and I have based our relationship on–the three principles that, put into practice, create a healthy relationship–and give you my best advice on how to deal with your problems (hopefully backed by what the Bible teaches all the way through).
1. To have a Christian marriage (or, really, any sort of Christian relationship), you must be willing to give everything you have and everything you are for your spouse. In the same way that Christ gave everything for us, we must be willing to do for our husbands/wives.
To have a HEALTHY marriage (or relationship), BOTH parties must be willing to give everything for the other …and I mean absolutely everything… Forget dying for love. If you are not willing to commit to your spouse that you are willing to live an absolutely joyless life for him/her FOREVER, then your marriage will eventually fail and either fall apart or turn into a shell that has no meaning. …And you must be willing to walk this out, no matter what the cost, when the going gets hard. Before my wife and I got married, we committed to each other that no matter what, we would do our best to think of the other first, and we both make a daily effort to remember that vow. (This does not have to go both ways, but remember, there’s a reason the Bible says not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. More on one-sided relationships when I’m finished with these three principles.)
Love is not just a feeling. Love is many things. It is an act of the will (a choice), a commitment, an investment, a struggle, a battle, and finally, sometimes, a feeling. If you aren’t willing to choose, commit, invest, struggle and fight for it, then you will forever pursue the feeling and never gain the fulfillment.
2. To have a Christian relationship, you must be completely honest. Always. No matter how much it hurts or how hard it is. This is called transparency, and I force myself to be transparent with my wife even when I hate myself for it. There is nothing in life that I have found to be as gut-wrenching as admitting to my wife, who I love more than I love myself, that I have betrayed her. That I went and watched that strip tease video or went looking for that porn.
…Watching the pain cross her face, seeing the betrayal and rejection there and knowing that I caused them. …Knowing that I have created a wound that I cannot heal, done a wrong that is so grievous I cannot make amends. …That hurts worse than anything else in the world.
To have a healthy relationship, you must have trust… and total honesty builds trust like nothing else. …She trusts me. She would never believe that I am hiding something from her, even if everyone else she trusted told her I was, because she knows that no matter how badly I have screwed up I will not hide it. There is nothing I will hide from my wife, and because of that she trusts me absolutely… and I trust her just as much.
That kind of trust is not something you can build in a day or a week or a month. It takes years of consistency and NEVER hiding your faults, no matter how much it hurts EITHER of you. It is also the second most important part of a healthy relationship. Building a relationship on anything less than total honesty is as bad as building a relationship on blatant lies, and it’s usually harder, because truth and lies are not even as stable when mixed as a lie is when pure.
3. To be a Christian, you must be defenseless. This is an area that my wife and I both struggle with at times. We both came from somewhat troubled backgrounds, and any human being’s response to pain is to build up defenses. In fact, protecting ourselves from pain is human beings’ primary consideration in life, most of the time.
Intimacy is the greatest cause of pain in human existence. To truly get close to someone, you must be defenseless toward them. You must give them access to the most vulnerable parts of you, with no reservations AT ALL, and in this life the one guarantee you have is that if something can go wrong it will. That means that when you open up to someone you will certainly be hurt by them.
This is an area that seems counterintuitive to most people, and that people don’t often understand, so I’ll expand on this a bit. …It is a guarantee that people who are close to you will hurt you. Beginning with this as a given, what then should your response be?
When human beings are hurt, we have two possible avenues for dealing with that pain. One is to immediately build up our defenses, curse ourselves for allowing the hurt in, and curse the one who caused the hurt (enter bitterness). The other is to break down and bawl. No, I’m not joking, though I am, perhaps, exaggerating.
The most effective way to deal with your pain is usually to let it hurt you and not to hide it. (Example: “My God…. MY GOD!!! Why have you FORESAKEN ME??????” Tell me Jesus wasn’t hurting. I dare you.) I know that for myself, when I see that my wife is hurting, my first reaction is to try to FIX IT. …So if your spouse cares about you more than themselves (which is to say they care about you in any way that has any meaning), knowing that they have hurt you is going to cut them to the heart.
So where do you go from here? I’m guessing that, if you’re reading this, you’re probably in a sexless marriage or one that is headed in that direction. (Or, like me, you just successfully resisted the urge to go looking for porn–Thank God. …Or maybe failed to resist that urge, in which case all hope is not lost… Press on… and look around for resources about sex, porn and brain chemical dependencies. It might just help.)
At any rate, if you are reading this, I’m guessing you or your spouse has a problem with one of the three things I listed above… and possibly with several of them. …Well, the answer is simple, but carrying it out is probably the hardest thing you will ever do.
This next paragraph is going to sound horrible, but it’s true. If neither you nor your spouse loves the other more than yourself (or loves God more than yourself), then do yourselves a favor and get a divorce right now. Save yourselves years of fruitless pain and mutual bitterness and go live alone in your selfishness. At least then you might start to see the source of your problem is yourself and be able to cry out to God for help. (Yes I am dead serious. Search your soul. If you don’t love your spouse enough to live the rest of your life in pain for him/her, then all you are doing is USING him/her to satisfy your own selfishness. …And you’re going to hurt worse and worse until you finally just end it.)
If even one of you loves the other more than yourself, then there is hope. If you’re here reading this, I’m guessing that you’re probably that one. Well, you have your work cut out for you. Those three principles I mentioned above may not be the only things required for a healthy relationship, but they are the primary tools you and God will use to repair the seemingly irreparable mess that your relationship is (or is becoming).
Your first job is to pray. Ask God to empower you to learn those things… To learn them and to live them, even if you are the only one who does so. There was a reason that Jesus said if your husband/wife was not saved and you were that you should not seek to divorce them. With His help you have the power to bring them both to Him and back to you.
Is your spouse’s disinterest in sex hurting you? Show it. Show the hurt, without pushing them away. Break down and bawl if you have to, over and over again if that’s what it takes… but do not raise a hand to hurt in return. Learn what it is to love someone even if they’re hurting you. Tell them that you love them. Show them that love, and the hurt that you feel because of their rejection.
I promise you… Even if they don’t hear you, God will. Those who mourn will be comforted, and God takes care of his own. There is light at the end of your tunnel.
(USA) Jared, I just want to point out, I’m in a similar boat to many of the people who have been “blown out” on this message board. Looking back, there was one thing that would have given my marriage a chance to still be fruitful. We should have had peers where the spouses adore each other.
If your spouse has peers who are single or are married and always complaining about their spouses, or causing trouble, don’t discount “transferrences” over time. In my case, all of my wife’s peers where either single and not liking to be committed, or “baby mamma’s” and maybe gay or lesbian or simply man hating asexual. So there was ZERO good advice which could come from the peer group. I don’t blame the peer group; I blame her because she usually would provide them information to get support for doing things she wanted to do to me anyhow.
Anyway, good luck. And make sure you guys have enough “good” peers to be around.
(AUSTRALIA) Jared, what you wrote is inspiring and touching. If every spouse was that self-aware and took responsibility to grow in intimacy, the marriage can only thrive, even through dark and troubled times.
I agree with your point that we can show our hurt and communicate it without hurting the other person. And pray. For me, there came a time when God specifically delivered me from the marriage relationship because it was toxic and poisoning all of us. The cost of being a marriage partner to an emotionally immature spouse was too great and the damage irretrievable. You can pray and you can do the right thing, but if the spouse is hurtful and contemptuous, there is nothing you can do to change that behaviour. The longer you stay, the more you take the hits, even if you stick to your boundaries.
I also agree that the problems in the area of physical intimacy have their roots elsewhere. How is a spouse supposed to feel sexual when there is a lack of trust? How do you give yourself to a spouse who has sexually violated you before? Even before the sexual trauma can heal, you are sexually assaulted again. If it happens over and over again, there can be no healthy sexual life. And the more you try to read and follow the general advice on opening up yourself, the more violated you feel. Meanwhile, the abusive spouse gets frustrated at not getting his entitlement of being sexually fulfilled and finds excuses to be abusive in other areas.
(ZIMBABWEAN) Someone please help. I am 28, hubby 31, married for 1 year but hubby can’t have sex more than 2 times a month. He always gives excuses. Is it normal for a 31 year old to have a low sex drive? I haven’t conceived in the 1 year simply becoz he just doesnt have sex with me. I’m frustrated. I can’t imagine 1 more year in the marriage like that.
(USA) Wow, I can relate. My husband denies me sex quite often. I feel fat, ugly, and not sexy. He says his back hurts too much. Let me get a toy out and he’s all over it. I’ve even wondered lately if he is gay. He told me once in the beginning 16 years ago that I wasn’t sexy. That hurt, but I still try. I wear sexy nighties. I also feel like I’m living with a roommate that could care less if I’m really here or not.
About a month ago we split up for 5 days. When he came back we had sex, and he smelled of sperm. He does have back problems so I try to understand that this could be the reason, but I have always felt denied in some way or the other. We don’t communicate very well. We never get past level 2 of communication. We are Christians. I pray about this a lot. I need more than he can seem to give me. I don’t want to have an affair however, I don’t feel loved. I try to talk about this, and I get no where. Is it wrong to divorce for these reasons? Please can someone give me advice, I am beside myself in this matter. I love him, but I don’t feel loved. Signed, lonely
(AUSTRALIA) Wow, I’m so floored to see I’m not alone. I’m 33 years old and have been married less than a year. When my husband and I were dating, we had sex nearly every day. Now I’m lucky if I get it once a week… even then, it’s always me initiating. Half the time I get rejected. I can’t tell you how terrible it makes me feel.
I’ve tried everything to entice him… outfits, toys, dirty videos for us to watch together… nothing works. I’m starting to think that maybe he’s just lost interest in me physically or just doesn’t love me anymore. I’m a very sexual person and I can’t handle just once a week. I’m just devastated.
(USA) It’s my belief that most people lie about the frequency of sex in marriage. They do it so they don’t sound as bad as others. At the least halve it. If they are saying they have sex twice a week it’s more likely once a week. Don’t feel ashamed if your frequency is not twice a week.
(UNITED STATES) As men we have to do, willingly and sacrificially what the scriptures command of us. When we first receive the love of Christ, we can then share the love that is patient and kind and in return our wives will give of her themselves, willingly and sacrificially because of the divinity of the order of submission: husband to Christ, wife to husband as unto Christ. When this divine connection takes place so does the connection between the husband and the wife, back to God’s original soverign plan. Please! Don’t forget to pray and have time of devotion “alone” with your wife, cleansing her through the word of God as we ought to. When the wife is secured spiritually, everything and I mean everything will be just as God intends, that what he put together, let no man put asunder.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am reading everyone’s concerns here, and I myself am very touched. My case differs from others because in my marriage I am the one who is having a low sex drive compared to my husband. At first I didn’t understand why we had to have sex every day. He is a great lover, attractive and very caring. I think lack of sexual drive on my side has nothing to do with him.
However, I have noticed on the days when he sends me an sms (or call) telling me how much he misses me and that he cant wait to hold me in his arms and make love to me… we end up having great sex later on. So I think with some of us, sex starts during the day in your mind while you are in your office. Maybe my advice would be please keep the love thing going during the day. Try and make your spouse see that he/she is missed and needed at all times. Then an advice to the spouses like myself would be they should not hold back their bodies anymore because those bodies no longer belong to them but to their spouses as well. That’s what the Word of God teaches us. Thanks and God bless, Noni